Sufferer I'm Losing My Grip

[Mark H]

Hello all. I found this site today by googling PTSD support.

Long story short, I was a firefighter/paramedic for the military for 4 years and worked in the civilian side for 3 post military service. I saw many things during this time and if I'm honest with myself, I believe it's why I walked away from it. During my service, I was a professor at masking my problems.. I had extreme road rage and looked for confrontations. My family passed it off as "Mark being Mark" and that's how it was dealt with. I would go weeks without speaking to anyone or was void of emotion or compassion. Now, at 36, those memories came back over the summer and my dreams became life like, and it left my sub conscious to now, I have flashbacks daily.. I'm being treated by the VA and I guess I am seeing slow results. I have been given a myriad of drugs to get the best results.

My wife and I have been dealing with this for quite some time. We have quite a bit of water under the bridge and there are resentments on both sides. The past year has been difficult, I will go through cycles and she cannot help herself but to engage me during these moments.. There have been times, that due to my lack of emotions that she has been violent to me. We are broken, when we talk the conversation goes around in a vicious circle and always ends with both of us weeping. I am stagnant in terms of my improvement.. I already feel like a worthless father husband and friend, I just don't need to be reminded of it all the time.

I have a friend who is also a veteran with PTSD who has offered up a place for me to stay, to help me find my way, to help me get better. I don't want my marriage to end, I love my wife, but when I speak to her about it, she gets angry and tells me to pack up my stuff and never come back. I just don't know what to do, I'm really struggling with trying my damnest to be a father, husband, professional and battle the demons that live in my head.. Please, and advice any of you may have would be wonderful

Thanks for reading.

M

 

[xlivingdeadgirl]

Mark, Thanks for sharing. Have you and your wife thought about going to counseling together? To me it sounds like she could also benefit from it as well as you. Would the VA possibly switch you to another therapist? I'm not sure how they work. I work at an MDs office but I know they operate a lot different.

It's very good that you have a fellow vet to help you out. I know that my vet benefits a lot from having his army friend close.

You should also check out the sister site - http://

Hope you and your family find some peace soon.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Mark, know what you mean about there being resentments on both sides between you and your wife. It happend here in our home as well. We were indepently and jointly mentored for 14-16 weeks in our church to relsove the marital issues, and learn communication skills. It worked for us.

 

[safenow]

trying my damnest to be a father, husband, professional and battle the demons that live in my head.. Please, and advice any of you may have would be wonderful

I'm sorry to tell you, Mark, but it's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work to work through what you're going through. A lot of marriages don't last due to the stress of it all. It's hard on all parties involved. You, your wife, and your kid(s) are going to have to exercise a lot of patience and practice different types of skills to get through this. I hope for your sake your wife is willing to do that with you. I'm glad you had a good buddy you can make contact with should you need to.

I have PTSD, and at one time I was married to a man with PTSD. Up until I found out he was a pedophile we lived together in relative peace. But that was something I won't tolerate. It wasn't with my children, but those from his first wife. His flashbacks I could help with and understand, because I have flashbacks myself once in a while. His nightmares I could help with, because I have nightmares myself once in a while. I could handle his anger even, But the type of man he was with children, I could not, nor would I tolerate.

Thank goodness, you don't sound like that type of man. I also recommend the sister site http://.

We've done things that we should only talk about (and they need to be talked about) among people who understand exactly. And the only ones who can are those who've done the same or similar to them. Not everyone can handle those things, especially since most of us can't. You are in a good place here and I know you will be there as well.

Good luck, and welcome to the forum.

 

[Pinkcake]

Mark H.- First...it doesn't matter how emotionless you are. Violence is NEVER okay. it tends to be swept under the run when it comes from a woman but domestic violence is domestic violence.

Second- If you have concerns regarding your custody or visitation as a father, I strongly suggest you speak with an attorney.

Third- I thank you for your service. I hope you continue your treatment.

Last- I am separated from my husband. It was at the recommendation of a church counselor. A separation does not mean the end of a marriage. It is a period where both parties, if they are truly committed to the marriage, work very hard to mend the damage that has occurred. My husband is also angry at me for the separation but as time passes, he understands more and more why I had to do what i did.

I hope you counseling helps and I hope you wife chooses to see a therapist or counselor as well.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the fourm. :)

 

[discarded]

Hi Mark and welcome. I can relate very well to your situation especially from wife's point of view. My husband has PTSD from military service and refuses to get proper help, he actually now works for DVA and assists people like himself everyday but won't get it for himself. Out of frustration at lack of communication and emotional responses I would get angry at my husband in the hope of some reaction at all. Of course all I got was more withdrawal from our relationship and angry outbursts. I ended up leaving before it completely destroyed us both.

Fortunately you say you love your wife and don't want your marriage to end. You both need help to get through this, both separately and together when the time is right. I wish you both well and hope it all works out for you.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi mark and welcome to the forum.

I hope the information and support here help you on a healing journey.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Mark, I think marriage counseling would benefit both of you. Your wife needs to have her own therapist to help her sort things out for herself.

I wish you the best. Going to the combat site would help you so much. You are not alone. I am so glad you love your family. That is your saving grace. Take good care of you.

I hope your fights with your wife dwindle down to nothing in time with proffessional help.