Hello,
So, when I was a child I was in hospital a lot... From 1 year old to about 8-9 years old, I had to visit hospital many times. Sometimes I had to stay there for days (I remember crying a lot due to loneliness). There were some uncomfortable exams and procedures, but I don't remember much of them, except that I tried to hide etc to avoid getting into them (so obviously I probably have been forced to them)... I also had to go through two surgeries. My illness was in certain ways noticeable to others, and I was bullied at school because of it. I felt very ashamed, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me or that I was bad and the illness was punishment. I felt like an outsider - separated from other people and separated from my own body. I felt disgust about physical touch.
I started undereating since I was about 7 years old. My weight was VERY low at some point, and even though my weight went up a bit after the worst point, it anyway stayed very close to anorexic level for 14 years of my life (so at the worst it was far on the anorexic region)... I've just now got my weight to barely normal with a lot of effort.
I also have neglected my other physical needs for a long time... Not these days though.
As a child I had many irrational fears and nightmares all the time. In my nightmares I regularly lost control of my own body. I was unable to stand up and walk, or swim to the surface to breathe, or my body jumped of a cliff against my own will.
When I as a teenager came to contact with things related to my possible trauma, it made me crazy. Nothing really bad happened (from some outsider's perspective), but for me it felt like the sky fell down on me like rocks. I was tearful, panicky, anxious, depressed and breaking down... I felt like a huge bloody wound in a world of daggers and blades. Also ashamed. Majorly. This emotional downfall of mine caused great distress to my boyfriend as well and almost broke our relationship. I finally got over it after some years by avoiding and protecting myself from any triggers... Avoidance is mostly working to this day, but still, if I accidentally see something in TV, or hear people talking about certain things, it causes me great distress... It kind of feels like those things robs me of my happiness, destroying me. There is a great deal of shame and fear.
Do you think I have a trauma? I wonder if there is something crucial that I have forgotten... Is there any way to help oneself recover the memories from early childhood trauma? Or is it even beneficial? Should I just keep trying to avoid? If I do avoid for 20 years or so, does this problem just pass by itself?
So, when I was a child I was in hospital a lot... From 1 year old to about 8-9 years old, I had to visit hospital many times. Sometimes I had to stay there for days (I remember crying a lot due to loneliness). There were some uncomfortable exams and procedures, but I don't remember much of them, except that I tried to hide etc to avoid getting into them (so obviously I probably have been forced to them)... I also had to go through two surgeries. My illness was in certain ways noticeable to others, and I was bullied at school because of it. I felt very ashamed, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me or that I was bad and the illness was punishment. I felt like an outsider - separated from other people and separated from my own body. I felt disgust about physical touch.
I started undereating since I was about 7 years old. My weight was VERY low at some point, and even though my weight went up a bit after the worst point, it anyway stayed very close to anorexic level for 14 years of my life (so at the worst it was far on the anorexic region)... I've just now got my weight to barely normal with a lot of effort.
I also have neglected my other physical needs for a long time... Not these days though.
As a child I had many irrational fears and nightmares all the time. In my nightmares I regularly lost control of my own body. I was unable to stand up and walk, or swim to the surface to breathe, or my body jumped of a cliff against my own will.
When I as a teenager came to contact with things related to my possible trauma, it made me crazy. Nothing really bad happened (from some outsider's perspective), but for me it felt like the sky fell down on me like rocks. I was tearful, panicky, anxious, depressed and breaking down... I felt like a huge bloody wound in a world of daggers and blades. Also ashamed. Majorly. This emotional downfall of mine caused great distress to my boyfriend as well and almost broke our relationship. I finally got over it after some years by avoiding and protecting myself from any triggers... Avoidance is mostly working to this day, but still, if I accidentally see something in TV, or hear people talking about certain things, it causes me great distress... It kind of feels like those things robs me of my happiness, destroying me. There is a great deal of shame and fear.
Do you think I have a trauma? I wonder if there is something crucial that I have forgotten... Is there any way to help oneself recover the memories from early childhood trauma? Or is it even beneficial? Should I just keep trying to avoid? If I do avoid for 20 years or so, does this problem just pass by itself?
