Decreasing Therapy?

[MomOfTwo]

I want to work on my issues but don't feel I can because of the work issue :(.

The other thing I've thought of telling them is to stop my benefits completely so there taking no financial hit for me being off. At least I maintain some sort of job security. I just can't believe that they can treat people so badly.

I went through the same harassment from work. No medical note was good enough until my doctor wrote that I was off for ptsd. Then they questioned his giving that diagnosis because he was not a psychiatrist so then I had to go see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. It has been an uphill battle and so much of my stress has been fighting the system for benefits I paid into.

Keep fighting. Can you go to Human Rights? That is where I started and then I got a lawyer.

 

[quaintpapercut]

The first thing that comes to mind is that it seems the first big problem is your workplace. It sounds like it is very damaging to your wellbeing at present.

Extremely damaging. I fully admit that I've lost any sense of discrimination when it comes to my dealings with them and I get triggered very easily.

Truthfully, I'm not sure if therapy is to fast. We haven't processed my traumatic incidents but we have spoken about them him - I don't really have a lot of emotion connected to them. I think the hardest part for me is learning about dissociation and realizing that I've been in some sort of dissociated or depersonalized state for a huge portion of my life. The process of having to connect traumatic events to me as a person has been very difficult. I've always known they've happened but never associated them as happening to me. Which sounds weird... I don't feel my emotions during a session, they come later and at some point within 24 hours of a session I'll be hit with a horrible dump of emotion that leaves me feeling so completely broken. I have creepy dreams to :alien:.

It gave me time to think about and process what we discussed.

This makes sense to me. Because I'm going twice a week stuff keeps coming up like a volcano. I can't catch a break because one session inevitably leads to something else coming up and so on. Its like a big game of dominoes.

Do you think its possible your therapist doesn't realise how destabilised you are?

Possible. I don't think I've done a good enough job of impressing upon him how serious things feel for me. I know its the point of therapy but I hate going in session after session like a bad news bear. Everything is crap, blah, blah, blah. I finally let him know that I've been having a lot of suicidal ideation and how concerning it was for me and he seemed surprised that it was as frequent as I told him.

Hashi, sorry to hear you had to deal with the same thing. It sucks doesn't it? It sounds like you worked in a similar bureaucratic environment.

That's how I've always done therapy - a few weeks or months of intense work, then maybe two to six weeks on coping, stabilising and reviewing things.

I like this a lot! I really do. It makes complete sense to me and I wonder my therapist didn't suggest it? Two times a week is a lot. Basically my whole week is spent going to therapy and then recouping and recovering. I want to start going out again, using public transit, being around people. It's been so long now that I worry if I don't start integrating into the real world again I'm going to turn into a shut in. I want to take the awareness I have of my anxieties and fears and try to deal with them in small manageable doses.

I went through the same harassment from work. No medical note was good enough until my doctor wrote that I was off for ptsd. Then they questioned his giving that diagnosis because he was not a psychiatrist so then I had to go see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.

This is exactly my situation. They are not satisfied with medical notes from my family doctor and question the diagnosis/treatment because I see a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I live in Canada and accessing mental health services through the OHIP stream is an exercise in patience, especially trying to find one that specializes in ptsd.

I'm thinking about human rights. Because I know if I lodge a human rights complaint everything stops. At least it buys me some time.

Thanks for all the support :)

 

[MomOfTwo]

Extremely damaging.
This is exactly my situation. They are not satisfied with medical notes from my family doctor and question the diagnosis/treatment because I see a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I live in Canada and accessing mental health services through the OHIP stream is an exercise in patience, especially trying to find one that specializes in ptsd.

I'm thinking about human rights. Because I know if I lodge a human rights complaint everything stops. At least it buys me some time.

Thanks for all the support :)

Go to Human Rights. They cannot harass you because of a medical issue and if they do you can quit and have a case for constructive dismissal. It is not easy to see a psychiatrist in Canada. They are few and far between. Depending on where you live there are mental health clinics and you maybe able to at least speak to a psychiatrist. Google Canadian Mental Health. From there you can look on their website and find resources that maybe able to assist you.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I know everything you says make sense but its astounding the mental blockage I have surrounding this. I know of all the administrative routes to take and how to navigate the system but I'm frozen. As much as I know intellectually that everything that is happening with work isn't personal, it feels like an abusive situation to me. It's bringing up a lot of emotions I imagine I must of felt during my life but never allowed myself to feel.

I'm sad at the thought of having to make a choice between my privacy and mental health and losing a career I worked so hard for. I hated the job anyways and the entire field so I'm trying to see it as a blessing. I only pushed myself as hard as I did because I used my job to define me. On paper I was succesful. If I at least had that, people wouldn't know that I was really an empty shell. It is making me take a harder look at myself and surprisingly I'm starting to see a rough outline (to quote spideralis) of who I actually am.

Do you know what else is sad? The fact that the reason I took the career path I took was because I was hoping to be noticed by my family. For them to be proud of me. Every promotion or new job I took I thought that perhaps there would be some sort of pride in my accomplishment. But always nothing. If I asked my mother to name ONE job I ever had or anything about what I do, she wouldn't have a clue.

I'm glad I started this because its making me feel stronger to not only bring it up in therapy but to also be able to discuss it and understand my motivations a bit more.

 

[piratelady]

Because I'm going twice a week stuff keeps coming up like a volcano. I can't catch a break because one session inevitably leads to something else coming up and so on. Its like a big game of dominoes.

I think perhaps you should explain this and your other concerns to your therapist. Maybe try to taper it back to once a week and see where that gets you. If it's worse: you can go back to twice a week; if it's better: YAY!

I hated the job anyways and the entire field so I'm trying to see it as a blessing. I only pushed myself as hard as I did because I used my job to define me.

This describes me so well. I have never been able to put that into words. I'm glad you said this :)

I really hope you are able to get your work situation figured out. I'm sure that would help a lot, as I'm sure it really fills up your stress-cup.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Thank you piratelady :).

I hope I do to. I'm feeling strangely hopeful after reading people's responses and my own reflection.

Yes - I can always go back to twice a week. Finding my resolve to stay firm on this :)

 

[Abstract]

QP (hope you don't mind me abbreviating - let me know if you do). :)

learning about dissociation and realizing that I've been in some sort of dissociated or depersonalized state for a huge portion of my life. The process of having to connect traumatic events to me as a person has been very difficult. I've always known they've happened but never associated them as happening to me. Which sounds weird... I don't feel my emotions during a session, they come later and at some point within 24 hours of a session I'll be hit with a horrible dump of emotion that leaves me feeling so completely broken.

This is so exactly a description of my life that it is astonishing. It never ceases to surprise me when people describe things that I am still attempting to get my head around in relation to myself and my life.

The last 3 years have been a type of awakening with another layer being revealed each time I think I am done.

From what I know twice weekly is better if the person is not able to hold trust even as a long as a week. I think I would benefit from it but have never been in a situation where it was available or possible. Each week it is as if I am meeting the person for the first time and so the whole procedure is slowed enormously. The other problem I have is that I have the delayed emotion etc but if a long time has passed till the next appointment I can no longer discuss the issue. The shutters come down. Whereas it seems that for you you can do both these and continue moving forward. And it is rather the fact that therapy brings backlash and you don't presently have enough time to recover between. Most people have therapy once a week anyway! That friend was doing trauma work and only doing every 2 sessions a month and it worked for her but I think that is quite little for most people.

The other reason someone would have twice weekly (from what I know) is if they are very destabilised and sessions are then largely focussed on coping. But as Piratelady said it can be helpful to have longer breaks between so that one is actually helping oneself and practising skills. To me it doesn't sound like you are running away and it rather seems that you know yourself and think it would be good to try having therapy less often. And as Piratelady said you can always go back to having sessions more often!

I don't think I've done a good enough job of impressing upon him how serious things feel for me. ...I hate going in session after session like a bad news bear. ...I finally let him know that I've been having a lot of suicidal ideation and how concerning it was for me and he seemed surprised that it was as frequent as I told him.

This might be important to look at and discuss with him. I may be projecting a little but I have only recently started figuring all this out for myself. I think the emboldened part is a little red flag that he may not realise where you are really at and even though it is just plain awful to discuss it I have come to think that it is extremely important that a therapist does have a good understanding of where we are. It might also be worthwhile thinking of why it bothers you to have to discuss the real unhappy truths.

I wonder my therapist didn't suggest it?

I think a therapist not understanding what is happening can interfere with that. Everyone probably needs this when doing trauma work but some of us have this type of reaction from just interacting in therapy or discussing realisations.

its astounding the mental blockage I have surrounding this

I think it is totally understandable that you feel this way. It sounds like you are worn down and dealing with many things so it is no wonder contemplating fighting this is so difficult. And I can see why it feels like an actual violation and links to other feelings from the past. I had ten years (three different and consecutive work situations) of horrible work dynamics and I was never able to do what I should have. I hope you manage to do what the others are advising you to do. Its very inspiring to hear everyone talk of how they have stood up for themselves!

Finding my resolve to stay firm on this

:):tup:

 

[Hashi]

I think the hardest part for me is learning about dissociation and realizing that I've been in some sort of dissociated or depersonalized state for a huge portion of my life.

I relate to this very much, too. I've made some bad choices in life. I find it hard to forgive myself for them, but I have to recognise that a lot of the time I was hardly even present. I didn't feel real, and I certainly didn't feel like the future was real. Its hard to look at.

The process of having to connect traumatic events to me as a person has been very difficult. I've always known they've happened but never associated them as happening to me.

I was talking about this in therapy last week! Putting myself and the traumas together has been a long process and I've had to do it in stages, a little bit more each time. Now I feel like I'm at the last stage of completely accepting that those things happened to me.

It's daunting to think of myself as a person who's been through those things, if that makes any sense.

All of this is so weird.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have made some bad choices in my life too. But the way I was raised, I raised myself. I was a latchkey kid and the oldest and the scapegoat. I did not know how to think for myself or take good care of myself. I was the perfect victim.

I have had emdr and now I have made peace with myself. Alot of bad things happened to me. But I did not know what I was getting myself into or that I would have regrets.

I feel so much better about me as a person now.

I have changed and nothing bad has happened to me for years. I can think for myself now and I avoid bad experiences because I can think things through. I am not the same person I used to be as a teenager.

Emdr has helped me so much. I am grateful for that experience. I hope to get more emdr later on when my HMO approves. I will have to wait for a period of two months before I can do it again. I am doing the best I can.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I don't mind QP :)

The other problem I have is that I have the delayed emotion etc but if a long time has passed till the next appointment I can no longer discuss the issue. The shutters come down.

I can't really remember either and was getting frustrated because I wasn't able to bring the emotions and feelings that I had into therapy. I would be at home, sobbing, feeling things so intently and then the memory of the feeling would be completely gone. I started writing myself notes because I wanted to be able to remember what it was that I was thinking/feeling. It sounds odd, but it almost felt like another aspect of my self leaving notes for me to let me know how I really felt about things. I don't do that as much now (the mad scribbling just to get it down) as I started a proper journal, but referencing it, always provides me with the memory jogs I need.

I think it is totally understandable that you feel this way.

Thanks for understanding :).

It's daunting to think of myself as a person who's been through those things, if that makes any sense.

It makes complete and total sense. I'm not able to connect events to myself and I view them largely as something that occurred outside of myself. I just don't feel anything about them. I think because I have felt nothing towards them my entire life I was always of the opinion that it meant that they weren't a big deal. Or I had the mentality of "Buck up sweetheart, its not like you survived the holocaust". As long as something didn't happen to "me", I also didn't own the experience of it. The weird thing is that for a lot of my traumas I remember the before and after, but not the middle. I think I'm really scared about having to remember the middle .

I'm so glad to hear your experience Gizmo and how far you've come. I really relate to being a scapegoat as a kid and having to fend for yourself. It's tough.

 

[safenow]

The other reason someone would have twice weekly (from what I know) is if they are very destabilised and sessions are then largely focussed on coping.

Twice a week is kin to being inpatient, but yet stable enough to live at home. In my opinion and understanding.

I remember the before and after, but not the middle. I think I'm really scared about having to remember the middle .

You don't have to remember the middle, unless you are needing to. For example, during a burglary I dissociated and was up on the ceiling watching me get raped and sodomized. For me the middle was the actual act. My therapist told me I didn't need to remember that part. I was so grateful. Because the middle is flashback material for me.

 

[Abstract]

I wasn't able to bring the emotions and feelings that I had into therapy. I would be at home, sobbing, feeling things so intently and then the memory of the feeling would be completely gone. I started writing myself notes

Again I totally relate to all of this. I realise now that it really interfered with therapy for me. And sadly as I started having some awareness of it and tried to express what was happeningh my therapist was not able to understand it at all and just insisted I must be feeling things. Which left me confused self doubting and feeling a little crazy as I had not met others who had this type of experience. Not good on self doubt at the best of times! :rolleyes:

I don't know about you but even the content would disappear. I would try to think of the week before and there would be nothing there at all. Someone said to me that maybe it is about not yet feeling safe enough to have those thoughts or feelings in therapy yet.

I am glad you could write it out and hope that you can soon feel safe enough to feel these things in therapy. I suspect we all always probably unpack extra layers of it after the session but I know what you are saying about not feeling it at all in the moment. I wonder if it wouldn't help us feel more supported if we were able to do that too. Lets hope! I wish that for you. :)

I'm not able to connect events to myself and I view them largely as something that occurred outside of myself.

I also totally relate to this part. They just feel like a story someone told me about someone else. And they have no relevance or connection to me. I have to say I had one moment where I had a connection to one thing and freaked me out. But I can see why it would eventually be healing and is what needs to happen. I just can't feel any connection to the concept as it doesn't feel real either! I seemed to have dealt with situations by supposedly "forgetting" or " ignoring" them immediately after they happened. I suspect there could have been certain changes and distress but if there was it was disconnected from anything else and I had no awareness of it.

Maybe its Ok that you don't feel anything about them at present. That your brain knows what pace you need.

I don't mind QP

Good! :)

I remember the before and after

I think that seems like a good place to start. It doesn't have to all happen at once. Once you are ready you will deal with the middle.

Most of mine don't have any normal memories at all - no images or anything. Just the equivilant of a cognitive label.

As long as something didn't happen to "me", I also didn't own the experience of it.

That exactly what it seems to be about isn't it. You actually seem to have done a lot of work on all this already. :tup:

Sorry you had to fend for yourself. :(