General All About Him...

[Sweetpea76]

I've only been with my sufferer for five months, and am just now dealing with 'the beast' in regards to our relationship.

He is being treated for his PTSD, does take his meds, and sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and I am very proud of how hard he is working to manage it. I try my best to be compassionate and spend a lot of time listening when he talks. Sometimes he says he feels like he is taking advantage of me and using me as a substitute shrink between his sessions. I never offer advice, but I just listen, because that seems to be what he needs right now. Usually we do fine. Sometimes the conversation gets deep, but a lot of times we keep things light. I do however find myself not telling him things about myself and my life because I feel like it will cause him stress... like I will not tell him if I am having a bad day, or if I am stressed myself about something.

This is even carrying over into us getting to know each other better. Sometimes I think he is so wrapped up on talking, that he doesn't want to listen. I could sit down and pretty much tell somebody his life story by now. He might know 25% about my past life experiences.

Now that he is having a stress issue in his life (his ex is taking him to court again), he has been lashing out at me. If I say something about myself, he feels that it reflects on him and how I dismiss his feelings, or how I don't understand. For example, I was telling him about how I worked my way through college as a single mother with a full time job, and still graduated with honors. I was telling him something about my past that I was proud of... he then got upset and said that I was dismissing how hard he worked to get his degree because he was in the ROTC and Reserves until he got his BA. Nobody had even mentioned his college experience... but somehow I am an insensitive jerk.

I keep telling him that not everything I say and do has to do with him... but it seems like he is taking it that way now. Is this a PTSD thing? Or him just being a tool? At this point I know I need to set up some boundaries, but I can't even get to that point with him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Rereading this, it seems incredibly selfish of me. Maybe I'm just really frustrated... I don't know. I've spent the past week having everything I've said turned against me and related to how it makes him feel. It seems like I could say that the dog needs to be walked, and he would say that the dog was selfish and putting her needs ahead of his and I'm insensitive for not recognizing that (No... that hasn't really happened yet, but somehow that scenario was very easy to come up with :confused:). I'm really hoping this is a symptom of the PTSD...

 

[kabeh394]

Think of it this way, if you were friends "without romantic or anything more than platonic involvement", would this behavior be acceptable to you? Relationships in any capacity are a two way street.

Question 2: you are five months in and although that is a "rose colored glasses" time where you are just getting to know somebody, at some point you realize the relationship "does or doesn't" have potential for a future. If you are already having questions and tip toeing, you might want to ask yourself why your still interested in a "romantic future" with this man!

3. I am going to make an assumption here about how great he is when things is good, the best boyfriend, sweetest, most sincere, most gentle, etc. (they all are), but these men are emotional abusers, and I'm not saying that to seem harsh, or point fingers, it is a common thread among sufferers and he has already blatantly told you he "feels like he is using you", to me that sounds like a test. "Will she stay or run"?

I am in no way shape or form telling you what to do, and this may very well be a good long term fit but from what am reading, it doesn't seem like the best timing for a romantic commitment. "Take care of yourself" is a common statement on these threads, that's why we are here, to support our sufferers, and to support each other.

 

[Dallas]

I was telling him about how I worked my way through college as a single mother with a full time job, and still graduated with honors.

It feels like there are way too many overwhelming intricate details and minutiae here. He probably knows that about you already. I think it is overwhelming to him. Just love him and accept him for who he is. Leave it at that.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The thing is, he didn't know that about me. It came up in conversation. I guess I am trying to figure out if I have to be a past-less, personality-less entity just to keep from triggering him.

 

[discarded]

In my bad experience it is always about him, his military training convinced him that spouses and girlfriends are support people so that they may get on with their job and need not worry about us back home. Except when PTSD rears its ugly head they don't seem to want our support anymore. Your achievements in life, past and present are just as important as his. There may be times when he can only focus on himself but if he is receiving treatment and even on good days he doesn't take interest, then he is just a jerk and you deserve better.

 

[safenow]

I will not tell him if I am having a bad day, or if I am stressed myself about something.

I think he is so wrapped up on talking, that he doesn't want to listen. I could sit down and pretty much tell somebody his life story by now. He might know 25% about my past life experiences.

Since you are not telling him what is going on with you, of course he doesn't know. Part of healing is being able to talk to people as well as listen. Reaching out to others can be very healing for a person with PTSD. In my opinion.

 

[safenow]

I'm really hoping this is a symptom of the PTSD...

It is.

Relationships in any capacity are a two way street.

I agree with you 100%.

"Take care of yourself" is a common statement on these threads, that's why we are here, to support our sufferers, and to support each other.

Support can come in many ways. You need to set boundaries and stand by them. I'm so glad you are at this site. there are so many good people around here. I do hope you listen to these supporters. They do know what they are talking about. I'll go away now.

 

[MagiLisu]

My spouse and I have had this problem in the past. In the end I had to be sat down and they explain to me how the situation is making them feel. I got defensive and I inadvertently proved their point. It may be typical of PTSD but part of the course of recovery is become self aware of your thought patterns. I still get very defensive and paranoid but I try to recognize this and have 'the talk' with myself.

He may be suffering, but you are also suffering with him. You may not have PTSD, but you do have feelings. I do feel that supporters get the raw end of the deal. I am much more appreciative of my supporters now. I realize that all the focus was on me and that they can often feel neglected and unappreciated.

You need to discuss this with him as it's not fair on you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Take really good care of yourself and meet your own needs. You need to have a independent life of your own seperate from him, because it is too easy to get lost in meeting his needs at the expense of your own.

You have only been with him for five months which is not very long. You do not have to stay with him.

It sounds like he is dumping on you which is setting a pattern for the future. You deserve better than that. He needs to be made aware of what he is doing to you. You have not been with him for very long so you can still get out and heal from the abuse. I wish you the best no matter what you choose. Good luck.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm feeling much better today. A few days ago I told him that I couldn't take anymore of it and I needed time to myself. I then did not contact him or answer his calls the next day. By the following day he had realized that he "screwed the pooch", and was willing to listen. I was able to tell him that he was lashing out at me, then SHOW him (luckily I had some of the rants saved as text messages). I took some advice I saw on here and set up some boundaries. I told him that he needed to tell me what his triggers were, and warn me if I was ever getting close to a no-go zone in conversation. Then I told him that if I told him to "wait" or "listen" when he started in on me again, that he just needed to stop, and if he didn't then I would be gone until he could treat me like a human being again. I think it actually took him seeing what an @ss he had been to me... he could not believe he had said half of what he said.

 

[discarded]

Well done Sweetpea. That is a great achievement. I hope things are a lot better for you now.