Hi Alyce,
Welcome to the forum, and more than glad to help you out.
Pita said:
1.How would you describe your current family/living arrangements?
Married, two children (15yrs & 18mths), lovely large home (4 bedrooms, study, rumpus, family, dining, meals, lounge, etc etc etc, neat and tidy, very active within my childrens social events and upbringing, majority of the time quite happy (usual family ups and downs, especially with a teenage boy), we talk about current issues, schooling, raising the little fella and so forth. If you need more from this question Alyce, could you please post some specific sub-topics to this question so people can answer exactly what you may be looking for.
Pita said:
2.Do you believe that your experience of PTSD impacts on the people you live with? Yes/No. (if yes continue, if no thankyou for your time)
Let me first just say, that if anyone with PTSD answers "NO" to this question, they are in denial.
Yes, most definately it does.
Pita said:
3.If you answered yes to the previous question; can you describe the nature of these impacts.
So many... where to start! I think our spouses could provide more information on this question that we could, but I will give it a shot from my perspective.
- Walking on egg shells: If I get anxious then my family will definately tip toe around me to ensure I don't get worse.
- General choirs: If we are preparing dinner and missing an ingredient, then someone has to go to the shop. If my wife is handling bub, then I would have to go, which could make me extremely moody and anxious because I have little to no notice to prepare myself, and I would have to drive in peak hour traffic (Melbourne suburbs). If the house needs to be tidied or cleaned, and I am not feeling well, then my family would have to do this extra choir to pickup where I failed that particular day. Can often become more workload for them, as I become physically and mentally unfit to do anything.
- Attitude: If stressed, my attitude will change dramatically, very quickly, and remain for some time. This means my family may not tell me something, or try and divert plans to other alternatives.
- Lifestyle: My family will often negate somethings they may want to do just because I am not up-to it as such. I could be anxious, depressed, stressed, etc etc, and plans could have to be cancelled because of it.
Pita said:
4.How do the people that you live with cope with these impacts?
Sometimes they cope because they understand, sometimes they just don't cope, an arguement will occur, thus I would often get worse again, dig my heels in, and not budge, even if I'm wrong. I guess my family understand and help me suit the lifestyle I require to live a fairly normal life. If they don't adjust, then my life, and theirs, turn to custard very quickly.
I think it comes down to how much family love one another, how close they are, and how willing they are to learn and help we with PTSD deal with each day. This also falls back to the person with PTSD, in that I am well educated now on PTSD from self learning over the years, thus I can generally identify my own issues as they begin to occur, thus take action to stop them going further and becoming a major issue to myself and my family. An example would be yesterday, where I had an overall good day mentally, though was beginning to feel a little sick from anxiety, though through quick identification of what was going on with myself, I had to pin point the problem, and that problem was the day before I had a very large day of work around the house and was worn out, so I stopped doing what I was doing, rested myself and didn't take myself out into any situation that could cause stress, ie. just going to a shopping center, etc etc. Last night my son sprung upon me, that I had to pick up some mates of his on the way to indoor cricket, which when he did, I got quite angry and annoyed about because of my overall mood. Whilst many parents may get annoyed about those type issues regardless of PTSD or not, it immediately made my teenage son realize I was stressed and may not be able to help him out on what he had said to his mates already, so I was forced to do it, then get myself over it as quick as possible when home. He realized he had pushed me with little warning, so he got a lift home with another friends parents instead of getting me to pick him up. Indoor cricket was at 6.15pm, thus once again, leaving at 5.30pm in Melbourne suburbs, peak hour traffic, exactly what I had been avoiding all day was now upon me. This was an out of the blue event to fill in for someone else who couldn't attend, so I did what I had to do, and told him that I he is not playing indoor cricket anymore at present, as currently I run him around with his AFL and AFL umpiring on Wednesday nights, Friday Nights, all day Saturday and Sunday. I know about these four days and what I need to do, so I am self prepared mentally to cope with peak hour traffic and so forth from the skills, knowledge and techniques I have learnt and practiced over the years, thus they are not any issue for me at the time, nor the day after. So, my families commitments I can handle, but I definately need warning for self preparation.
My son talked to me about it, and understands that too many social and sporting events off his impacts me hard, so he apologized and said he won't do it again, and will give more than a couple hours warning, ie. two or more days.
Pita said:
5. How does knowing that your PTSD impacts on those you live with affect you personally?
I actually no longer worry myself about this, but most certainly used too when I had little control over my PTSD. When PTSD is in full flight as such, and heavily burdening a person, these thoughts directly cross our minds, in that we think we should leave our spouses, children and family so we don't burden them with our problems, but as time goes on and one learns to cope with PTSD, I also learnt that if my spouse, children and family didn't want to be around me, then they wouldn't, and its not something that I should decide, but instead allow them to decide, thus it becomes a nil issue. My family know I have PTSD, they know they can't upset me outright for the repercussions it will cause, so they talk too me, at me, whatever, but definately find other ways to get their message across without yelling. Yelling definately triggers me from the military experience and background.
What we think to ourselves, and attempt to believe when PTSD is controlling us, is wrong... but most will definately think these thoughts, and this is why many relationships around PTSD diminish IMHO. The person with PTSD has often told themselves and convinced themselves, off the wrong information, thus beating themselves up constantly about others feelings, with little to no actual concrete proof that others around them feel this way. It is very hard to get yourself past these thoughts when PTSD is controlling you, and it makes things much worse.
I left my first wife to similar circumstances, told myself everything I wanted to hear, with little to no concrete information on her feelings. We beat ourselves up when with the people we love, but when we leave them, we then beat ourselves up to whether we made the right decision or not for everyone involved. The fact is, we with PTSD shouldn't make decision concerning our family with PTSD is in control... probably shouldn't make important decisions fullstop under those circumstances.
