First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[GreenFrog2]

Note: not sure if this sort of story can be posted???
Note: may trigger the reader.

I had my first major suicidal episode on Friday. It's really hard to talk about this, but I want to share because I am so scared that it will happen again. I think I did well in dealing with it - I'm still here. Am having some residual feelings about it, but nothing to horrific.

I had some really bad news around lunch time, and on top of everything else I really could not deal with it at all. (I can't talk about what it was that happened - within itself not the end of the world, but on top of everything else that I have been dealing with - way, way too much).

The news was delivered by email, and I just froze. Then I hyperventilated and had a panic attack. I was able to click on the forum tab and facebook and distract myself from the distress / terror / shock for a time. Then it started to sink in. The first suicidal thoughts were "I just wanna die", " I want to curl up under a rock and die" - stuff I have had to deal with off and on for ages - I use meditation for this, which helps OK.

Then I started to really think about killing myself - out of nowhere I was planning to stab myself, cut my wrists, drive to the country and use the garden hose to get exhaust fumes into the car.

I could not believe how totally my survival instinct abandoned me, or how intense and strong the compulsion to hurt myself was. It was like I was being driven by this incredibly strong force

So, I went to my safe place - my bed. I played my meditation tape over and over and over - and the thoughts just kept on happening over and over and over. I was more terrified than ever before. I slowly convinced myself that the only option I would allow myself to do was the car exhaust - I then convinced my self that it would be too hard, that I did not have the energy to undertake that plan because it was too complicated.

Didn't really believe that, if I had let myself I think that I would have and could have done it. So, the deal then became that I must stay in my safe place / bed until 5pm as I could contact the crisis line at the time. But, then I had to come back to bed - no pretending that I was OK. Then at 9pm I could take 2 emergency sleeping tablets, which I did. I slept until 4am and then had my last sleeping tablet - which knocked me out until 8.30am on Saturday.

So I had about 8 or 9 hours of this incredible urge, drive , desire to kill myself. There were breaks in there, thankfully, but what a truly evil thing to experience. I had thought that I was going through a really tough patch, but would get better - now I am really not so sure

I was thankfully really groggy all day Saturday and most of Sunday - too tired to even watch much of the tennis. To tired to think much - even had a nice few hours in there of peace and respite.

I am proud of myself for being able to be aware of what was happening, and to care for and comfort myself - I was kind and gentle to myself through the entire experience. As a first timer I think this was pretty good, and a testament to how much progress I have made.

I coped.

But I am now concerned about it happening again - is this likely, will it be frequent, will it always be so bad????

Happy to receive small, quiet pieces of advise about this - not up to reading about too much of other people experiences for now. Just stuff on what happens next???

 

[Abstract]

am proud of myself for being able to be aware of what was happening, and to care for and comfort myself - I was kind and gentle to myself through the entire experience. As a first timer I think this was pretty good, and a testament to how much progress I have made.

That is amazing. You really need to be proud about this!

will it be frequent, will it always be so bad????

I don't believe there is any reason why experiencing this now will mean it will be frequent or the same if it happens again. I think these things happen for certain reasons and having had it happen in the past certainly does not have to be one of them.

What is probably more helpful and relevant is to break it down and see what it was about the circumstances that challenged your pain level so much.

For me I have found one of the biggest things is when I think there is no way out or no solution or that there is no way I can ask for help. As a result I have developed certain ways to address my thinking if I find myself going down that hill that do seem to help.

Be proud of yourself as you saved yourself here. :happy: Take care because you are important.

 

[discarded]

Just the fact that you fought so hard to overcome your thoughts of suicide speaks volumes in itself. Your desire to live is far stronger than your feelings of wanting to die. Be proud that you were able to use startegies to help you through it. Your stress cup was obviously well and truly over flowing. You need now to work on getting your stress cup emptied about.

((((hugs))))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think your ability to cope and deal with what was happening to you was amazing. You should be proud of yourself for that and know that even if there is a small chance you have to deal with those thoughts again that you know how to handle them.

Proud of you. :tup:

 

[anni]

Gosh gosh gosh yes, agree SO much with all of the above. This should be in the ' Success Stories ' thread. You described exactly how tough it IS, fighting through this dreck, the unreasonable condition of one's head, how it's much more than an impulse, it's a series of lies your head keeps feeding you. I dislike speaking in genuine superlatives because there's just nowhere to go up or down from there, if you know what I mean but I'd like you to know that I'm as impressed as it's possible for me to be. THAT and a nickle won't even buy you the tip required to buy a cup of coffee, just thought I'd let you know.

Your default option, of going to bed is superb. I supposedly have added one to that over the years, which is instantly, instantly to call my therapist as some knee-jerk reaction. Failing him, to let someone know. Last time, I didn't, like an idjit ( spelled incorrectly on purpose ). Letting myself off the hook like that almost got me killed, for real. Seriously am going to bookmark your post as a reminder. Nope, not easy, it's horrible but so are the lies our heads cling to.

Truly? I'm hardly an expert, do think what Abstract said on reoccurance would have to be spot-on. If you hadn't made such a good, tough fight out of it, then possibly you'd have reason to worry. It's only an opinion based on dealing with this stupid thing for a couple of decades, please know. I'm guessing that having bludgeoned the bejeesis out of this, it's set up a dynamic making it less likely you'll have a replay.

I could have the wrong end of the stick here, all I have to go on is what it feels like to me. As someone with PTSD to whom this is vastly and also somewhat recently familiar, I can only say Thanks for sharing. (((((((SO proud of you!)))))))

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have suicidal ideation a lot. I was hospitalized many times last year. I now know that, like you, I don't have to act on these thoughts. That's the main thing to bring from your episode. You did not have to, nor did you, act on this. That is huge. You should feel proud.

 

[nimkekaa]

So, the deal then became that I must stay in my safe place / bed until 5pm as I could contact the crisis line at the time

I love the deals you made with yourself. It also seemed to me that you had a default plan of going to your bed to be safe. I like that because when my mind goes to dark places it doesn't always think very well so having a plan that you don't have to think about is very helpful.

My only thought was that you had no support until 5pm. (not your fault of course) I was wondering if there was any other supports you could access up until 5pm. Where I live we have crisis lines but there is also a crisis line at the sexual assult centre that can be accessed 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

In the end you are here and able to share what you went through so you did everything right. Thanks for sharing.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I don't have to act on these thoughts.

Thanks for stating this so simply monster - hard to remember that at the time, but this is the TRUTH. None of us has to act on these thoughts.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I am just not up to pulling myself the rest of the way out of this hole. I keep trying to think of some positive things - like how well I did last friday, but the positive is lost in the hurt, fear and confusion that I seem to have no control over.

I am so ashamed of myself - and it does not appear to matter how many people I chat to - the misery keeps flooding back.

How can I stop it?

 

[GreenFrog2]

It also seemed to me that you had a default plan of going to your bed to be safe.

This is my default plan for stress / distress - and has been for a long time - pretty sure that I could not smother myself with a pillow!!!!! But I seem to have spent way too much of the last 4 years in bed. Will need to go back shortly as am getting sad from looking at my brother's face book page. I have missed my family so much. I wish that I had been able to ask them for help a long time ago. I can't even now, can't tell them anything that has gone wrong for me - but being able to start the re-connection process has been some kind of comfort, I just hope that we can travel a positive pathway.....

 

[Abstract]

Hi Greenfrog,
I think the hopelessness and self judgement and not being able to see a way out is part of the condition and totally normal sadly. I don't know if this helps or not but what I do is remind myself very strongly that my emotions are responding in a way that won't last despite my feelings that they will never end. That my mind is presently not able to evaluate the situation and myself effectively. That I need to hang in there and just wait it out and regardless of what I think or how little I believe any of that.

I really like what Monster said about not needing to act on thoughts. I have found this enormously helpful and not just with suicidal thoughts but also with self injury and eating disorder etc. In a similar way I remind myself that my thoughts about myself and the world are unlikely to be accurate and that I need to wait. That I don't need to believe in something to act in a way that is helpful.

I also think it helps to be realistic. We don't go from On the Brink to happy and content in a matter of hours and we need lots of self care and patience and coping skills afterwards for a while. Its a shock to the system to be so close to that scary place.

This will pass even though it may be awful at present. The more you manage to do self care and stop self judgment the quicker it will pass. But even if you cant and do the minimum it will get better.

I also find a few simple affirmations can help me even though it can make me angry to do them and even though I am very unlikely to feel they will help. I find it best to not to expect to believe them when I do them. I just persevere regardless.

Being hurt and in distress is nothing at all to be ashamed of. Take care.

 

[KatB]

The fact that you are still alive shows a lot. I can not say much on this as I can relate well to the suicidal thoughts/ideations. I came out of a psych DR about two weeks ago and I am not the best candidate for this.

What I can say is that this is something all common for all of us and that some times may be stronger than others, depending time of year, seasons, and trauma anniversaries. I am sorry. I feel for you. We are not alone.