I Miss My Mom

[piratelady]

I've been thinking a lot about my mom lately. I miss her. We live in different states, so I only see her a couple times a year, if that. I've been thinking a lot lately about the past.

There is a lot that I don't remember about growing up. I have virtually no memories of my first step-dad. My mom had to leave for a while during the summer before my senior year in high school. I have no memories of that summer. I know something bad happened, I have some ideas about what happened, but no details or real memories.

After that summer and for years afterward I was so angry at my mom. My mission in life was to get as far away from her as possible and cut all ties. I did that for a few years. After my suicide attempt, my mom was called and she came out to see me and try to help me. My anger was still too much and I pushed her away.

From reading on this site, I wonder if I pushed her away and was so angry at her because she left me that summer, with my step-dad and those he kept company with. She left me with him so she could handle my brother who was acting out. I never made that connection before. I think it's good that I finally have. I think it will help me to process the feelings associated with that summer, despite not having the memories.

I think I felt abandoned by her. She had to give her time and attention to my brother, who was acting out. Because I didn't require her time (because I was well-behaved), I was hurt in some way. That made me so angry at her. She has shown me though, over the last several years, that she loves me so much. I have really forgiven her. My brother, on the other hand, I cannot forgive. I'm just not there.

I have been so depressed lately, and I just want to talk to my mom and to have her take care of me. I dread visiting her sometimes, but I have to admit, if I'm not okay she has a way of making me feel better, even if only doing something like making my favorite meal. I just feel like I need to talk to her.

I sent her a facebook message to tell her that I love her. She replied that she was blessed to have me for a daughter and what a wonderful person I am. It just makes me want to cry...in a good way.

 

[Abstract]

I never made that connection before

She had to give her time and attention to my brother, who was acting out. Because I didn't require her time (because I was well-behaved),

Hi Piratelady,
I think its wonderful that you have made the connection. I have found that very helpful. I relate a lot to the situation you describe in some respects. Sadly my mother isn't able to support me safely but regardless my anger and hurt feels disproportionate. But really when we are in trouble and not supported I think it creates deep wounds and so our feelings are entirely legitimate. I can see why you felt abandoned and unsupported.

Do you think you could discuss some of this with her? I did with a very small part of it and even though her response was not what I hoped it did help me. I think its best to prepare for a response we don't want though. It was very good assertiveness practise for me.

sent her a facebook message to tell her that I love her. She replied that she was blessed to have me for a daughter and what a wonderful person I am. It just makes me want to cry...in a good way.

That is lovely.

 

[discarded]

You should go to see her if you think that is possible. It is great that you have forgiven her and can see why she had to leave you. I miss my mum very much too, it is a year tomorrow that she passed away. She too always had a way of making things seem so much better, always had the right things to say and had a very positive outlook.

If you can't see her in person can you chat to her through facebook or perhaps skype her. My bet is she would be just as happy to see you too.

 

[piratelady]

Do you think you could discuss some of this with her?

I don't think I ever could. It would break her heart. She already questions if she was / is a good mother. Part of that is due to my brother's actions. He is very angry with her and doesn't treat her very well. He continues to make her feel like she is a bad mom. If she found out that while she was away for that summer bad things happened to me, it would just add to that feeling.

It's in the past. I don't blame her anymore and don't see anything to gain from telling her about it. I'd rather just remind her that she was good to me and that she is loved. Yes, she made mistakes, but everyone does. I don't want to throw that back at her. The cost is just too great, in my opinion.

Discarded: I am going to see her at Christmas this year. I told her a weekend or two ago. She is ecstatic and is already asking what I want for Christmas dinner, lol. I have two more vacation times this year, I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it out there for either of them.

Normally she calls me every weekend. She didn't call this past weekend, maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit off and miss her. I will have to call her this week some time.

I am sorry to your mom passed away. It is so hard to lose a parent.

 

[piratelady]

I was finally able to talk to my mom today. We talked on the phone for a couple hours, it was a good talk. She is more observant than I realized. We talked about my upcoming trip to go see her (it will be for Christmas, so quite a while from now). She commented that the last time I was out there, she could tell my brother caused me a lot of stress. That caught me off guard.

I always thought I hid my stress and emotions well. That I was rather stoic and people couldn't see that what they said or did affected me. It seems she can read me well, or I'm not as good at hiding it as I thought. She doesn't know about my PTSD. I told her I was still seeing Borris (that's what I call my therapist -although that's not his name, lol). I told her that he would help me to learn to deal with my brother before my next trip and she didn't need to worry about me.

I don't know - it's kind of nice to know that she notices that and keeps it in mind. I think she does a lot to try to protect me from the emotional hardships my family causes me. I almost feel guilty for being so angry with her all those years. I said some incredibly hurtful things to her. I guess the important thing is how I treat her now and going forward. Either way, I feel bad...

 

[Abstract]

I think its wonderful that you have a mother who has all these qualities. :) And I think it is wonderful that your mother is intuitive enough to pick up some of what is unsaid.

I think you need to forgive yourself for directing anger at her in the past. I think its common to direct anger at a parent when we feel unprotected even if it is not that parents fault at all. And it can take a while to figure it out. In a childs mind their parents are all powerful. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with her now and that is all that matters. I am sure you mother doesn't dwell on it anyway as it seems she has had much bigger problems with your brother!

 

[piratelady]

I usually do ok with feeling guilty about my anger towards her. Then she goes through another difficult time and I start to feel bad again. She's suffered (is still suffering) a lot. My guilt comes back when something else happens. Like she had another surgery this past week and I started to feel bad again.

She doesn't know I feel bad or anything about what I have gone through in my life. I don't want to add that burden onto her with everything else she has to deal with. My therapist wants to help me change that and to start leaning on people when I need them and not worry that I am a burden. Maybe I'll get there some day.

 

[Abstract]

Piratelady,
It helped me when I started to understand that sharing can almost be a gift. And that truly letting others in is about trusting them to be strong enough to take care of themselves.

Often we have these patterns when we have grown up feeling responsible for everyone elses emotions and wellbeing. Realising we are not that powerful is very freeing.

 

[nursenurse]

One of the most powerful things a friend said to me was that I don't ask for help, that I don't give people the privilege of showing their humanity, their gifts, by allowing them to help me. It's still hard, but I can't be everything to everybody, and once in a while, I have to give someone the chance to be something to me, if you can understand. I think, Piratelady that you and your Mom are so lucky to have each other. You now have wisdom and maturity on your side. I look at things this way. What do people regret the most when someone close dies suddenly? The answers I have invariably heard are a) not having said I'm sorry, and b) not having said I love you. You never need to get into complex explanations. Those are two of the most healing phrases I know.