Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking

[Abstract]

So if someone isn't talking, the extravert often thinks that the quiet person isn't making an effort, and that they don't care about other people or the group.

Or else they think that the person literally has nothing to say. In other words that are vacant or even stupid.

 

[Abstract]

It's hard to know but I think I have a naturally extrovert personality, then have become quite introverted due to trauma. Sometimes I think and act like one and sometimes like the other. So I can see both sides. I think a lot of people have a mixture anyway.

My score is very low extrovert but how I understand it is that we can have aspects of our functioning that are more extrovert and aspects that are more introvert.

Just happened to see this topic and only read the last few posts but from how I understand it the foundation of extrovertism is if one gets ones energy from the outside rather than the inside. Do we need to recoup after being with people or exposed to noise and activity or does it energise us. That can be difficult to judge when we deal with trauma as being around people can set other things off. :rolleyes: As a result I bounce around deciding exactly where I fall.

I would definitely have scored quite far down in the introvert spectrum as a child but through therapy and life experience have become more extrovert which I suspect is more my natural state (mild extrovert).

It was also hard to differentiate between shyness or lack of confidence and introversion. Especially in retrospect. Shyness or lack of confidence is largely linked to wanting to do something but struggling whereas introversion is about preferring not to do something or finding it depleting from an energy view point.

 

[anni]

Nah, I think folks, especially the genuine extrovert, are too wrapped up in buzzing around and bouncing off of other people to really be offended by quiet people? I'm actually ( true story ) an introvert, happy in my own head for weeks and weeks at a time, hate the bejeesis out of social contact, just am good at it when it's necessary. No idea on the planet why it's ok to engage to such a huge degree around here, possibly just plain like you guys.

I wonder why the author went one step further than dynamics and 'went there', with supposition on what people think about each other?

 

[Hashi]

I wonder why the author went one step further than dynamics and 'went there', with supposition on what people think about each other?

She's trying to correct misconceptions, for example the misconception that quiet people are antisocial (her point is that "social" means different things to different people, but our society has set a very extravert definition for it). The intention of the book is to validate introverts as much as anyone else, rather than seeing being quiet as some sort of problem. She didn't deliberately go there when talking about this idea about extraverts, I just saw it there.

I also saw it in her own experience of a weekend workshop that she went to which was designed to suit the introvert personality, for a change. She said, although an introvert herself, by the end of the weekend she was wishing for some extraverts to liven things up a little. An introvert looking to extraverts to provide her entertainment for her is an idea that didn't sit well with me - we're not clowns - although I think she meant it as an appreciation of different temperaments.

Nah, I think folks, especially the genuine extrovert, are too wrapped up in buzzing around and bouncing off of other people to really be offended by quiet people?

We'll have to agree to disagree! As I said, I don't think anyone is 100% extrovert. But with regard to socialising I have a very extrovert approach and am speaking from my own experience of feeling expected to keep the conversation going on other people's behalf, and - contrary to some people's belief - not being comfortable with that.

I'm not saying it's wrong of introverts to be quiet, just that I think there's often a wrong assumption that socialising and conversation are no big deal for the extraverts. I wouldn't describe the extravert side of me as buzzing and bouncing, its more that I react quickly and want to interact to a high degree. It's not about how easily I can think of something to say, it's about wanting to feel that I'm connecting with someone. So if someone is very quiet, a minimal response or lack of obvious engagement from the other person's side can be very uncomfortable for me, and it would be easy for me to interpret it in a negative way. Extraverts have feelings and sensitivities too. I think it's a misconception that they have the volume so high they can't really hear anything anyway. Just as much as it's a misconception that introverts are being rude or arrogant.

Actually, that relates to another underlying theme of the book that I didn't feel was justified - she continuously portrays introverts as careful, deep thinkers, but I'm sure there's a whole range of quiet people - nice, mean, thoughtful, inconsiderate, generous, bitter etc. In situations where I'm introverted, I'm not necessarily being cautious or processing things, I just don't have the energy or inclination to be outgoing.

The book did have a lot of interesting things in it, but I thought it was quite flawed too.

 

[Hashi]

Shyness or lack of confidence is largely linked to wanting to do something but struggling whereas introversion is about preferring not to do something or finding it depleting from an energy view point.

Abstract, I agree with your descriptions, including this one.

Where I get confused is, for example, when an introvert needs to give a lecture or presentation but doesn't want to. Is that because the "want" isn't really the person's wish, it's more how things have to be done?

 

[Abstract]

Is that because the "want" isn't really the person's wish, it's more how things have to be done?

Hi Hashi,
In my understanding presenting to a group of people will always be a challenge for an introvert as there is a preference for one to one interactions and a discomfort being the centre of attention in a large group of people. So I think that discomfort could very easily come under the "want". It is uncomfortable and a little overwhelming for introverts to be in a certain dynamic.

Then separate to that someone could have doubts about their abilities, social phobia and anxiety issues that could worsen the situation. And I imagine being out of ones comfort zone intensifies all these things and possibly causes anxiety long term to an extent as it is not something that feels natural.

I think an extrovert may need to do the presentation because it is their job rather than their choice but despite understandable anxiety that anyone would feel they may feel energised by doing something like this. They may enjoy the interaction with a group of people, enjoy being centre stage and walk away from it enlivened not exhausted.

Apologies if I have misunderstood the question.

 

[Tanishq]

Is that because the "want" isn't really the person's wish, it's more how things have to be done?

Hashi, Are you trying to point that introvert lectures may not be able to please extraverts?

I have seen the best lecturers, most of them are well balanced. Quite difficult thing to do.

 

[Tanishq]

Why I do feel like this all talk is about balanced communication in group.

I think everyone can discuss here because everyone knows they are going to be understood and accepted.

 

[Hashi]

I think everyone can discuss here because everyone knows they are going to be understood and accepted.

Yes, and I think trauma has made some of us more introverted, so we understand how that feels as well as maybe being a more natural extravert.

 

[Hashi]

In my understanding presenting to a group of people will always be a challenge for an introvert as there is a preference for one to one interactions and a discomfort being the centre of attention in a large group of people...

Then separate to that someone could have doubts about their abilities, social phobia and anxiety issues that could worsen the situation. And I imagine being out of ones comfort zone intensifies all these things and possibly causes anxiety long term to an extent as it is not something that feels natural.

Apologies that I wasn't very clear, but I think you've answered it anyway. It's that distinction between the "introvert effect" and the things added to that - lack of confidence, social phobia, anxiety etc.

Before reading the book I was quite happy to have everything bundled together in different proportions in different people. What confused me about the book was her trying to distinguish them, which I didn't find clear. Then she seemed to back pedal and say she wouldn't distinguish them. ???? The book made me feel more muddled on that point than I was before.

I ended up feeling like the book was a bit of a wasted opportunity. Some really good bits, but too much wavering, meandering and hiding in science. It reminded me of me writing an essay at university and realising I was trying to take it in three different directions at once, and had got so many sections saying different things that I'd lost the overall thread.

I wish she'd presented it more from her personal observations. I think that was what she did best, but she seemed to feel a need to justify what she was saying then got tied up in knots.

Hashi, Are you trying to point that introvert lectures may not be able to please extraverts?

Actually, I think they're likely to be good lectures because they will probably be very well prepared!

Why I do feel like this all talk is about balanced communication in group.

I agree that a mixture of introvertism and extravertism is a good mixture. That's what she says in the book. I just didn't agree with everything that she said.

 

[anni]

My therapist says it's just the way different personality types draw their energy. The extravert really does recharge and revitalize through interacting with others, plugging in and being interested . The introvert requires quiet to recharge, isn't seriously able to contribute very much to the same effortless flow the other personality type needs like they need air. I don't know. I'd just hate to see you kind of waste all that lovely energy thinking some undue burden is being placed on your shoulders, you know?

 

[Abstract]

Then she seemed to back pedal and say she wouldn't distinguish them

Hashi, I think any book that leaves one more confused has some sort of flaw. I absolutely do not think social phobia, lack of confidence etc is in any way a fundamental part of introversion. I think being put in situations that are unnatural for that personality probably potentially increases these things long term but it is not part of it.

different personality types draw their energy

And that is the true foundation of it I believe.

Someone who had no social phobia, no confidence issues and no shyness but who preferred to spend a lot of time alone, found large groups tiring and preferred such pastimes as reading and painting to recharge would be an introvert.