Poll Does Your Family Neglect You Emotionally?

[saffy]

Instead they tried to make you look like you were the one being stupid and annoying for even asking for more than a nod.

It is a horrible feeling isn't it Philippa. :(

I hated it and throughout my time of being ignored and pushed to the side lines I always believed it was because it was me. I was not worth their time or effort. (I am an only child though so less competition in that way). I thought it was because of me.

I now realise that it was just the way they were and when I looked further realised they did not have much time for anyone else really unless it was to boost their own ego.

I understand how hard it is for you to get even a bit of attention without feeling guilty for asking for it. Mine had a knack of making me feel like I was intruding and was not equal to them at all but a much lower person who did not matter. In the end I said actually I do matter and if you cannot see that then the problem is yours not mine. ;)

In the end I stopped reaching out for something they were incapable of giving. :)

It was a relief actually I did not seem so needy and did not put myself up to be rejected again or disappointed by their actions as people. They were who they were despite of me not because of me. Hope that makes sense.

(((HUGS))) to all on here who needs one :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

ps fathers and sons always have other things in common and males generally find it hard or do not comprehend going into deep and meaningful conversations :) (no offence meant to all the lovely males on here ;) )

 

[Philippa]

It is a horrible feeling isn't it Philippa. :(

I hated it and throughout my time of being ignored and pushed to the side lines I always believed it was because it was me. I was not worth their time or effort. (I am an only child though so less competition in that way). I thought it was because of me.

That's the brainwashing effect of being treated like a nuisance and unworthy.

I now realise that it was just the way they were and when I looked further realised they did not have much time for anyone else really unless it was to boost their own ego.

Yups. (:

Mine had a knack of making me feel like I was intruding and was not equal to them at all but a much lower person who did not matter. In the end I said actually I do matter and if you cannot see that then the problem is yours not mine. ;)

Perfect conclusion. I was always treated as though it was just normal that I was not as important as the men in my family are...though I'm sure they would deny that if you asked them. They didn't even know that was the underlying message they gave with the things they said and did.

In the end I stopped reaching out for something they were incapable of giving. :)

That's really all you can do, and it's an important step towards letting go of the need to get what they can't give.

It was a relief actually I did not seem so needy and did not put myself up to be rejected again or disappointed by their actions as people. They were who they were despite of me not because of me. Hope that makes sense.

Yes, perfect sense. You stopped blaming yourself for the way they are...you saw reality, and it helped you escape the mire of your brainwashing.

(((HUGS))) to all on here who needs one :)

Thankyou, much appreciated. :)

 

[saffy]

How do you see your father and brothers now Phillipa? out of interest.

Does their actions still bother you or have you come to the same conclusions that I have?

Sorry if this open old wounds you do not need to answer if you do not wish :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have one sister and we are no longer close. She has never emotionally supported me. I have emotionally supported her. I have had to make some strong boundries and not confide in her anymore because she is a big gossip and tells exaggerations to other family members. I hardly hear from her anymore. She has never had it in her to be there emotionally for me.

 

[Philippa]

No, that's fine saffy.

I do not see my brothers or father anymore, as I've cut all contact with them. I pretty much came to the conclusion that you did, and I know it is to do with their own issues...especially my fathers. He has trained my brothers to treat women the way they do, by the way he treated my mother when we were kids...and SHE taught them that women will put up with it, because she never stood up to him.

I cannot really blame my brothers for the training they received, but that doesn't mean I want to be around them.

 

[Philippa]

I have one sister and we are no longer close. She has never emotionally supported me. I have emotionally supported her. I have had to make some strong boundries and not confide in her anymore because she is a big gossip and tells exxaggerations to other family members. I hardly hear from her anymore. She has never had it in her to be there emotionally for me.

Sounds just like my mother.

I don't expect my father or brother to be emotionally supportive, as they simply aren't capable of it, and I would never trust my youngest brother with anything emotional. My other brother has shown me some emotional support in the past when I needed it, and it was a hard decision to stop contacting him...but he is my fathers "mini me" and acts as his eyes and ears, and I don't want any contact with him whatsoever.

That brother has turned more and more into my father over the years anyway, so whatever emotional support he was capable of showing me at one stage, does not appear to be there anymore.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I rarely hear from my sister anymore. She is the one who calls me. She has not called in a long time. Whenever she calls I put on my happy face and say I am doing good. She always remarks on how good I am doing and we talk about her and her life. She gets no new information on me.

I know she is really sick and mabe dying and I am sad about that but I am relieved that I do not have contact with her. I am better off. My family was destroyed by my dad. He called her the bad seed and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. She is really messed up.

At least the family I have now is there for me. I am grateful for that. If I need something they are there. I consider myself blessed.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well... my sister FINALLY called. After watching the football game, after she had a good night's sleep, after she took the dog to the vet... so I know where I stand in all her priorities.

I sure am glad that I have other sources of support (like here)! If I had to depend upon her and her kids for it only, I'd be support bankrupt!

 

[Changing4Best]

Well! In reading here, I see a pattern of bad or no support for us here. It is 20-25% of us finding support in our families, but 75-80% not! That is sad, really. But it may well be a deep rooted problem that has lead to our being diagnosed PTSD in the first place (or at least been a part of the reason why). That is my conclusion here, the one that I suspected would be the case. No wonder there are so many of us who found this Forum and find it to be so helpful!

 

[saffy]

Hi Phillipa

Thanks for sharing. :)

I have done much the same as by choice estranged myself from my family too.

I do not expect them to do anything now so am not disappointed with them for not doing what I thought was expected from them as parents. They were bad role models, as you have said with your father. God help the women your brothers get hold of ;)

Sorry to hear that your sister did not priorities you Sheila, but at least she called I suppose. Does she know how much it hurts when she is so flippant about calling back?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

Saffy, can I ask...did you actually tell your family, formally, that you would be having no more contact with them?

I felt like it was the better, more right thing to do, but I couldn't bring myself to, and so I slowly just stopped calling, texting, emailing, and gave no forwarding address when I moved, so dad couldn't find me. It might be the cowards way out, but I just did not feel that anything I said would be taken seriously anyway, and as much as I have every reason to reject them, I have major problems rejecting others. It's something I have made some two steps forward, one step back progress with over the years, but I wasn't able to this time. I just slipped away.

I have had terrible trouble dealing with the fact that I am causing them to worry, and they are old now and will soon die...IF one of them hasn't already, and I totally missed it due to having them all on block on my phone. I have conflict with these aspects of the estrangement. Some days are easier than others. I still second guess my decision a lot though, unfortunately. Other times I'm sure I did the right thing for me...as hard as it is.

Oh, and yes, I have often thought "god help the women they marry" :D I actually used to actively warn women I saw them trying to pick up in bars, about them. They both vowed to never take me out to bars with them again, when they planned to go on the prowl. Probably a smart move from their point of view.

 

[Changing4Best]

Sorry to hear that your sister did not priorities you Sheila, but at least she called I suppose. Does she know how much it hurts when she is so flippant about calling back? Saffy :)

Actually, I think, because our parents treated us the same way, having had never enough time for us as kids, she probably has no idea. That is an excellent point. Although my mom and I became quite close after I became an adult (and I miss her so much) not so toward my sister, my sister never had the example set of being close like that. There was actually a time when my sister used to call me every Tuesday night. Then I decided to take a class that night, and it all got messed up. She's never gotten around to calling me hardly at all since then. I guess I just need to face up to the fact that it will be my responsibility to call her.

One nice thing she did do was to offer to send me a $20 phone card. I guess since she wants to do that, I should be happy and just take it upon myself to do the calling, not leave it up to her. That card will give me an hour on the horn with her. If I called with my timer set for 15 mins once per week, that would use the card wisely.

I see now that I need to take the initiative. I just have to keep my focus on that and all should be well. There, I think that chip on my shoulder just fell off! YEAH!!!