Second Opinion Consultation, Please Help!

[tphillips117]

Hi All,

I could really use some advice. I've been with my Therapist (T) for about 3 months. Before him, I was with his collegue who decided to retire in 6 months, so I was referred.

My therapy sessions are very stressful. He seems not be be a good "leader" in the sense that he wants me to direct the session from the moment I walk in to the moment I leave. I have expressed my discomfort with that, numerous times to no avail. He will often say "well, what would you like me to do?" to which I reply, "I dont know".

What I do know, is that I do not trust my T. At my last session, I thought I spotted what looked like a tape recorder on his belt. At the time, I could not bring myself to ask about it. But as soon as I got to my car, I shot him an email and asked. I got a very cold reply: "I never record my clients. I have my phone and an old school pager on my belt". I thought that was fair enough, but not exactly the response I expected.

We have a lot of awkward silences. I have sent him emails trying to explain myself and then when I get to my next appt. he will say that he got my email, but didnt reply because he didnt know what to say. He said that I could write him anytime I wanted, but he may or may not reply. Ummmm, ok, I guess?

I've decided that this isnt working for me. I WANT it to work! I want to leave my T only as an absolute last resort. But it cant go on like this, so I decided to make an appt. with my previous T (My T's friend and collegue) and maybe get some practical advice or insight on how to be a better client. Better in the sense of being secure enough to be more open. Better meaning, being more productive. Because right now, I have horrible stress from going to therapy. I'm no better off than I was three months ago, and I know that I have a good bit of responsiblity in that.

I'm a litte unsure how to proceed with the consultation. What questions do I ask? Will my session be shared with my current therapist as I signed a waiver allowing them to discuss me when I first transfered. I could see this getting really awkward, but at the same time, I'm trying to hard to save this!

What do you guys think?

 

[safenow]

What do you guys think?

I think you need to get another therapist. If you cant' talk to him after 3 months, you are not a match. In my humble opinion.

How did you feel about your last therapist? I sounds like you two got along well. How long were you two together? That 6 months? How long did it take you two before you could talk to him?

In the first place, a good therapist doesn't want or expect you to lead. It is their job to lead you, not visa versa. And that crap about, "you can email, but he may or may not reply?" Then why even email? Not a good match. At least it sure wouldn't be for me.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

I am sorry that you are struggling with all this. It is important to take note of how you are feeling as it is important. At the very least it is imperative to discuss it with your therapist. I think we have to weed through what can be due to general problems with trust or misunderstandings, a therapists personal approach, and a more fundamental mismatch. So you talking about this is good! :)

Did your previous therapist work very differently? Did you feel differently about therapy then?

I am not at all saying that you should discount your feelings but will say there can be reasons for a few of the things you discuss. Many T's will accept emails but not answer them. That can be to encourage trust as an email is a distanced form of communication. It can also be that there is an absence of body language and that information gathering is limited as a result and so a T would rather speak it though face to face (I have had both those reasons). It can also be a boundary issue for some T's. I personally have never had a T that answered my emails.

Not being led at the beginning and throughout the session can have a lot to do with the approach that the T works with. Any of the non directive therapy approaches will very seldom lead you in a session. There are proper reasons behind that too and it isn't done to torture us even though it feels like it is! The main one being that they do not want us to feel control led by them and rather feel empowered and in control ourselves. That can feel very frightening I know. That does not mean that this is the right approach for you or not but that is the situation.

It is important to ask yourself if you have clearly told your T that find his lack of response to your emails very distressing; that you cannot continue with the sessions as you are etc. Also if you ask your T what he feels about situations. For example if you feel he was defensive when you asked him if he was recording your sessions did you actually ask him if that was how he felt? We can easily slip into mindreading which can cause us much unnecessary angst and pain.

There is no way your old T should share anything with the new one at all as it should be confidential. Did you sign anything that says they can share information?

I also truly think there is nothing that you are doing "wrong". However you are in therapy is what it is and therefore "right" and it is rather a matter of finding a way to work that will allow you to progress. I don't think you can force yourself to be more trusting or force yourself to feel more able to talk. I certainly have tried and it hasnt worked so let me know if you find a way! Do you think you are possibly putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do things you are not ready to do?

I rather think this is probably about communication. About getting your therapist to fully understand the situation and then after that whether he is able to adjust the way he works enough to help you feel more comfortable. Or/and able to support you enough through your discomfort whilst you deal with all the difficult uncomfortable (painful!) aspects of being in T. Like those silences. Maybe to be more accepting of how hard it is for you and that you are not doing anything wrong.

I would just say exactly what you have said here to your old T and talk it through.

This could very well just be a mismatch for you of course. If you don't mind saying more then what therapy have you had in the past? Does he specialise in trauma and what approach does he work with?

I had this link from before so thought I would share. My reasons are not properly covered in it though. [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/201012/silence-in-psychotherapy[/DLMURL]

Good luck!

 

[Hashi]

Like Abstract, I'm wondering what his therapeutic approach is. Awkward silences and his "what would you like me to do?" response to you asking him to lead sounds like it might be some sort of psychodynamic therapy where the therapist is very "hands off".

I think the idea is that if the therapist is sitting back (sometimes quite literally, even to the point of sitting behind the client) then the client's own voice can emerge. I tried seeing a therapist with this style once, and didn't find her resolute silence and occasional, abrupt statements at all helpful.

Only if you don't mind saying - what are your reasons for being so determined not to leave this new therapist? It wouldn't have to mean leaving therapy, you could seek out someone more suited to you. After three months, to be still struggling with the therapy approach and feeling a strong lack of trust doesn't sound all that hopeful. It isn't the right basis for trauma therapy. I don't think it reflects on you as a client or your willingness to do the work. It isn't a criticism of the new therapist either. Sometimes a therapist and client aren't a good match, with nothing wrong about either of them.

At any rate, if you still want to try to make it work, I think that needs to be feeling that you have other options if it doesn't. If you're trying to make it work thinking that you must, or that this is your only chance, then you won't be able to see and evaluate things clearly. You'll only be adding to the stress and setting the stakes impossibly high. I think it's a good idea to talk to your previous therapist, and would suggest doing that with a mind that's equally open to this new therapist working out, or not.

Regarding confidentiality, I think you need to ask your old therapist in advance for the level of confidentiality you want (not to discuss the content of your meeting, not to even let the new therapist know you had a meeting, or whatever it is). If the old therapist won't agree to your request, then you need to decide whether you're comfortable to go ahead on that basis. If he's going to share things with the new therapist, you might want to email the new therapist yourself in advance and let him know that the meeting's going to take place.

 

[winterose]

Here is a good link about the questions to ask about therapy, hope it helps :)

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/08/14/key-questions-to-ask-when-choosing-a-therapist/

 

[Abstract]

I have to say that I also wondered why it is that you must make this relationship with your T work. Three months is a significant time. I know for me that I did not want to give up and that that wasn't the right decision for me at times. That doesn't mean that I didn't learn from the things I found difficult about those realtionships but regardless of anything else I did find them difficult and so need to have someone who is able to work with me and around these hurdles. If I can actually get myself to tell the T about them that is! :p

Tphillips, I also thought you might find this thread interesting: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/inside-our-heads-whats-going-on-in-the-therapy-room.27721/[/DLMURL]

Just to be clear though that regardless of why and what is happening you deserve to take your feelings seriously and something needs to change so that you feel safer. I also agree with what Anonymous said in the thread. I think its a combination of taking our feelings seriously and checking our perceptions of our T's motivations and approach with them directly. Listening to ourselves and asking our T and listening to them.

I hope that makes some sense! :rolleyes: Hope you are doing OK and that you had a good session with your old therapist.

 

[tphillips117]

I canceled my consultation. After I made the appointment, I had a heart to heart with my T. I did not feel any better about any of it, so I walked away from therapy and sent my T an email and said that I would return in 6 weeks. I need some space from feeling like this. I need to decide if this is worth my time and money and if he is the person to lead to me to the life I really want and need.

I know that im my own worst enemy in this. I have a very hard time with trust. Everytime a question gets asked, I can literally feel my external cement wall getting thicker. My brain screams out "DANGER, DANGER......!!!!" All I hear in my head are the words I heard nearly 20 years ago when I was arrested "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and WILL be used against you...". I look at him and all the other therapists Ive seen, as the enemy. I cant help it. Despite saying that outright, no one seems to get it. I dont feel understood. Dont play head games with me..if you dont understand me, tell me to take a hike so I can try to find someone who does. I'm sick of this!

 

[safenow]

I don't feel understood

Over the years I went through a lot of therapists before I found one who finally got it. He really listened to what I told him. As he fed back to me what he heard me say, I could tell he got it. I finally got the real help I needed for so many years.

Good luck. Be sure to read all you can get your hands on. Here is something that might help, if you are willing to try it:
A book called: "Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal" by Belleruth Naparstek. Good luck to you.