@beaneeboo I simply can't get through all the posts, but I had one impression from the beginning and it remains: I think your T responded from the start with what he did and how he did for his own business and financial concerns. Not as a testimony against you, or inferring anything else.
Thank you for this
@Tinyflame ..I welcome everyone's perspectives (as long as they are respectful, which you have been)...
Or to put it another way (I think I'm just old enough or have have so many experiences and input also from others), think. Perhaps think of it this way as one potential explanation, as your T he cannot speak to you of his personal business. His practise is very much a business, whether it is his own or he is employed there. Financial demands, costs, cost of living and inflation are at a 40+ year high. People (likely including him) are struggling in ways post-pandemic that has not been seen here in this generation. Above it all, he sounds invested in trying to help you. That said, it's reasonable all of the above factors would make him angry- but not at you. At the situation, at the times, perhaps something else, others' demands. And you have no idea of his own struggles. he may feel so disappointed he is somewhat angry at himself and not wanting to have to tell you what he did, in the way of leaving you more wiggle room to cancel; that he wouldn't if he didn't have to.
Thank you for this fresh perspective... it's not something I've considered and actually, making the whole picture much bigger ithan the interaction between me and him is helpful...
Bearing that in mind, and I say this very gently, ptsd, suffering and trying to get better is very self-centric.
I am beginning to see this also... and also feel it on a visceral level ...
Others can be thinking a million things unrelated to us.
this is really good to keep in mind.....
Yes, we bring our shame, our fears, our self-recriminations, paranoia and doubt. We are wounded and not always easy to deal with. He could very well be angry too at the system that doesn't fully facilitate the opportunities for all to receive the care they need.
This isn't something I've addressed with T.... thinking about it though I imagine he would have feelings about the system here and its failings.. the mental health care in this country is awful, esp where we are...
However, equally when to trust?
this is the biggest challenge for me...I don't have a radar of when to trust... only when not to...I can't guage this easily... but I'm beginning to see with this latest blow out of sorts that this is what needed highlighting... that I don't trust... so I'm beginning to see it...I just have no idea how to manage it... when to trust or how to... but I'm going back to face the work.. so I'm hoping that's part of it
Well, weigh the actions of the other, quality and quantity. Because when will enough 'proof' be enough? (In my case I'd say- in honesty- the truth would be never. I had to choose it. Because it was true. It was deserved and more than earned.
People here have reminded me of this throughout... and it's helpful to hold on to... people do mistakes...I make mistakes...T has made mistakes... but this is part of relationships....weighing it all up, I do see that he cares, he's trying and he's helped me work through many things other Ts haven't even got close to... and I think it's this knowledge which is helping me to go back and go forward...
I've realised that I have grown feelings for T - not in an inappropriate way. I mean in a way where I've seen someone cares and is, in as much as a T can be, there for me in the way he can be. This actually makes me cry (writing this) because there's no one in this world who knows my life like he does. And who stays around and still cares, shows belief and encouragement of a better future. And i think this is why the first jarring email suggesting I go to his professional body to complain about him was so upsetting,. Because it was so far off the mark, so incorrect in his assumptions of me. It basically threatened my whole world I had in my head about who he was, the support he had provided to date. I think I felt used in that moment by him. Make me believe one thing. Then turn on me and discard me. But I can see this is a dynamic left over from the abuse. And I'm beginning to see that, even though I don't think his response was necessary or appropriate given the relationship we have, my reaction was coming from that usual place of mistrust. Of a young part.
It was a symptom of ptsd and mental illness not to choose to choose it. Fear. Much of it. And i remember the moment I realized it was high time I gave what was the only thing ever appropriate. (Lucky for me.)
Wow. This is a strong and impactful statement. Can I ask, when you chose to do that, what did that look like, how did it play out and what did you feel?
You are not an F up and I don't think you were passive aggressive. You are doing great. I think you were both trying to communicate.
Thank you this means alot.
Lots of people here are being encouraging despite reading T's intentions as different to how I've taken them. And this is a new concept to me. That I can be skewed in my understanding of T's intentions and at the same time I'm still doing great in my journey, and that I'm not a f*ck up and I'm not a bad person. That being wrong doesn't mean I'm bad.
ETA< I don't have DID but I've had enough anxiety sometimes to not recall words 2 seconds later, or be able to stop shaking, or remember how to get home. And shame or guilt. And lots of internal messages of don't say- don't say- don't say. But, it's still not safer to not try. And somewhere in me I knew who and what was safe.
Thank you. I really don't think there's a big gap between some people who experience PTSD and people who have DID or other DDs (i have OSDD) ... they are all mixed up any way... so we're all the same at heart... there are likely specific incidences where my sypmtoms play out differently to your average person, like with the amnesia I experience.. but I think all the rest of it (parts, trust, relational issues) are experienced by us all somewhere along a spectrum... so I find your feedback very useful ..
Best wishes to you. It will be ok.
Thank you for your time and your care