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Email fallout with T - need advice please

Thank you @Movingforward10 @No More and @scout86 ...I really appreciate your input and thoughts... it's very helpful... I will get back in more detail later as there are some great points i hadn't considered (so useful asking for opinions)...

the main feeling atm for me from all of this is that realisation that the way I view the world, people around me, interactions (esp re disagreements) is essentially skewed... I feel quite f***ed up as a result.. feel like a royal f**k up..i know this is ripe ground for parts turning everything in towards myself to let loose with self blame etc... I'm having body memories today of sorts (those which accompany self-loathing etc)... just feels really heavy... feeling ashamed etc..

i know this is temporary... and I have to ride it and not let it get the better of me..I'm m hoping once i get past this next emotion roller coaster getting back on the horse is going to help me sort through it all... I'm trying really hard
 
the main feeling atm for me from all of this is that realisation that the way I view the world, people around me, interactions (esp re disagreements) is essentially skewed... I feel quite f***ed up as a result.. feel like a royal f**k up..i know this is ripe ground for parts turning everything in towards myself to let loose with self blame etc... I'm having body memories today of sorts (those which accompany self-loathing etc)... just feels really heavy... feeling ashamed etc..
I'm reading this and viewing it as a bit of a backlash to being seen by T or others? That shame then kicks in?
But it's all ok.
💯 You're not a f*ck up. And we all see things skewed. Maybe with PTSD things can get more skewed. But it doesn't mean you're a f*ck up. If it does, then we're all f*ck ups with you!!
 
I'm reading this and viewing it as a bit of a backlash to being seen by T or others? That shame then kicks in?
But it's all ok.
💯 You're not a f*ck up. And we all see things skewed. Maybe with PTSD things can get more skewed. But it doesn't mean you're a f*ck up. If it does, then we're all f*ck ups with you!!
Thanks @Movingforward10 and @Rose White ...

Yes it's definitely a backlash... I'm beginning to see these for what they are although the experiencing of them is still just as strong and the knowledge that it is one doesn't seem to help in the moment..I like to think they are lasting much shorter though...

Thank you for telling me I'm not a f*ck up. I think I literally just needed to hear (see) that from someone else. And yeah, neither are you guys 😉.. and if I think you aren't then I should apply the same reasoning to me...

I'm going to start writing what I'm feeling and thinking tonight in my diary so I have a record as I know I won't connect to it when it's over and will forget it.. so trying to make this moment useful...
 
@beaneeboo I simply can't get through all the posts, but I had one impression from the beginning and it remains: I think your T responded from the start with what he did and how he did for his own business and financial concerns. Not as a testimony against you, or inferring anything else.

Or to put it another way (I think I'm just old enough or have have so many experiences and input also from others), think. Perhaps think of it this way as one potential explanation, as your T he cannot speak to you of his personal business. His practise is very much a business, whether it is his own or he is employed there. Financial demands, costs, cost of living and inflation are at a 40+ year high. People (likely including him) are struggling in ways post-pandemic that has not been seen here in this generation. Above it all, he sounds invested in trying to help you. That said, it's reasonable all of the above factors would make him angry- but not at you. At the situation, at the times, perhaps something else, others' demands. And you have no idea of his own struggles. he may feel so disappointed he is somewhat angry at himself and not wanting to have to tell you what he did, in the way of leaving you more wiggle room to cancel; that he wouldn't if he didn't have to.

Bearing that in mind, and I say this very gently, ptsd, suffering and trying to get better is very self-centric. Others can be thinking a million things unrelated to us. Yes, we bring our shame, our fears, our self-recriminations, paranoia and doubt. We are wounded and not always easy to deal with. He could very well be angry too at the system that doesn't fully facilitate the opportunities for all to receive the care they need. However, equally when to trust? Well, weigh the actions of the other, quality and quantity. Because when will enough 'proof' be enough? (In my case I'd say- in honesty- the truth would be never. I had to choose it. Because it was true. It was deserved and more than earned. It was a symptom of ptsd and mental illness not to choose to choose it. Fear. Much of it. And i remember the moment I realized it was high time I gave what was the only thing ever appropriate. (Lucky for me.) ).

You are not an F up and I don't think you were passive aggressive. You are doing great. I think you were both trying to communicate.

ETA< I don't have DID but I've had enough anxiety sometimes to not recall words 2 seconds later, or be able to stop shaking, or remember how to get home. And shame or guilt. And lots of internal messages of don't say- don't say- don't say. But, it's still not safer to not try. And somewhere in me I knew who and what was safe.

Best wishes to you. It will be ok. 🫂
 
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@beaneeboo I simply can't get through all the posts, but I had one impression from the beginning and it remains: I think your T responded from the start with what he did and how he did for his own business and financial concerns. Not as a testimony against you, or inferring anything else.
Thank you for this @Tinyflame ..I welcome everyone's perspectives (as long as they are respectful, which you have been)...
Or to put it another way (I think I'm just old enough or have have so many experiences and input also from others), think. Perhaps think of it this way as one potential explanation, as your T he cannot speak to you of his personal business. His practise is very much a business, whether it is his own or he is employed there. Financial demands, costs, cost of living and inflation are at a 40+ year high. People (likely including him) are struggling in ways post-pandemic that has not been seen here in this generation. Above it all, he sounds invested in trying to help you. That said, it's reasonable all of the above factors would make him angry- but not at you. At the situation, at the times, perhaps something else, others' demands. And you have no idea of his own struggles. he may feel so disappointed he is somewhat angry at himself and not wanting to have to tell you what he did, in the way of leaving you more wiggle room to cancel; that he wouldn't if he didn't have to.
Thank you for this fresh perspective... it's not something I've considered and actually, making the whole picture much bigger ithan the interaction between me and him is helpful...
Bearing that in mind, and I say this very gently, ptsd, suffering and trying to get better is very self-centric.
I am beginning to see this also... and also feel it on a visceral level ...
Others can be thinking a million things unrelated to us.
this is really good to keep in mind.....
Yes, we bring our shame, our fears, our self-recriminations, paranoia and doubt. We are wounded and not always easy to deal with. He could very well be angry too at the system that doesn't fully facilitate the opportunities for all to receive the care they need.
This isn't something I've addressed with T.... thinking about it though I imagine he would have feelings about the system here and its failings.. the mental health care in this country is awful, esp where we are...
However, equally when to trust?
this is the biggest challenge for me...I don't have a radar of when to trust... only when not to...I can't guage this easily... but I'm beginning to see with this latest blow out of sorts that this is what needed highlighting... that I don't trust... so I'm beginning to see it...I just have no idea how to manage it... when to trust or how to... but I'm going back to face the work.. so I'm hoping that's part of it
Well, weigh the actions of the other, quality and quantity. Because when will enough 'proof' be enough? (In my case I'd say- in honesty- the truth would be never. I had to choose it. Because it was true. It was deserved and more than earned.
People here have reminded me of this throughout... and it's helpful to hold on to... people do mistakes...I make mistakes...T has made mistakes... but this is part of relationships....weighing it all up, I do see that he cares, he's trying and he's helped me work through many things other Ts haven't even got close to... and I think it's this knowledge which is helping me to go back and go forward...

I've realised that I have grown feelings for T - not in an inappropriate way. I mean in a way where I've seen someone cares and is, in as much as a T can be, there for me in the way he can be. This actually makes me cry (writing this) because there's no one in this world who knows my life like he does. And who stays around and still cares, shows belief and encouragement of a better future. And i think this is why the first jarring email suggesting I go to his professional body to complain about him was so upsetting,. Because it was so far off the mark, so incorrect in his assumptions of me. It basically threatened my whole world I had in my head about who he was, the support he had provided to date. I think I felt used in that moment by him. Make me believe one thing. Then turn on me and discard me. But I can see this is a dynamic left over from the abuse. And I'm beginning to see that, even though I don't think his response was necessary or appropriate given the relationship we have, my reaction was coming from that usual place of mistrust. Of a young part.

It was a symptom of ptsd and mental illness not to choose to choose it. Fear. Much of it. And i remember the moment I realized it was high time I gave what was the only thing ever appropriate. (Lucky for me.)
Wow. This is a strong and impactful statement. Can I ask, when you chose to do that, what did that look like, how did it play out and what did you feel?
You are not an F up and I don't think you were passive aggressive. You are doing great. I think you were both trying to communicate.
Thank you this means alot.

Lots of people here are being encouraging despite reading T's intentions as different to how I've taken them. And this is a new concept to me. That I can be skewed in my understanding of T's intentions and at the same time I'm still doing great in my journey, and that I'm not a f*ck up and I'm not a bad person. That being wrong doesn't mean I'm bad.
ETA< I don't have DID but I've had enough anxiety sometimes to not recall words 2 seconds later, or be able to stop shaking, or remember how to get home. And shame or guilt. And lots of internal messages of don't say- don't say- don't say. But, it's still not safer to not try. And somewhere in me I knew who and what was safe.
Thank you. I really don't think there's a big gap between some people who experience PTSD and people who have DID or other DDs (i have OSDD) ... they are all mixed up any way... so we're all the same at heart... there are likely specific incidences where my sypmtoms play out differently to your average person, like with the amnesia I experience.. but I think all the rest of it (parts, trust, relational issues) are experienced by us all somewhere along a spectrum... so I find your feedback very useful ..
Best wishes to you. It will be ok. 🫂
Thank you for your time and your care
 
HI @beaneeboo thank you for being so kind and diplomatic. I have to really rush so hope this makes sense!

Thank you for this fresh perspective... it's not something I've considered and actually, making the whole picture much bigger ithan the interaction between me and him is helpful...
Yes ^^ everyone has their own life and all the challenges that go with it, including your T.
this is the biggest challenge for me...I don't have a radar of when to trust... only when not to...I can't guage this easily... but I'm beginning to see with this latest blow out of sorts that this is what needed highlighting... that I don't trust... so I'm beginning to see it...I just have no idea how to manage it... when to trust or how to... but I'm going back to face the work.. so I'm hoping that's part of it
^^ Me neither- I always went by feelings and overthinking and didn't think there was another way, never understood what they were talking aboutI think what is also helpful is knowing changes don't need to, or won't likely always feel good at first. Or maybe 'comfortable' is a better word. And decisions go first, then feelings are worked through (I learned),
Wow. This is a strong and impactful statement. Can I ask, when you chose to do that, what did that look like, how did it play out and what did you feel?
Well different scenario, but off the top of my head right now I'd say, it felt true, accurate, sane. I felt a bit of shame, grateful, happy to say it. And also I acknowledge trust is both ways. With my own behaviours/ self/ whatever the word, maybe trusting me doesn't feel that great, who knows? Trust is earned/ should be both ways, shown and supportegood times and hard ones. Even with a T, do they trust you to follow a Safety Plan, etc. (And I have lousy self worth, so I would see my non-existence as more a pain in the ass, paperwork etc, but you know what I mean. A complication versus feelings.)

But still, yes, just that it was right and long overdue, wrong to have not been more open to it with the repeated evidence off trustworthiness, and effort and kindness given. I'm sure the average person would be just joyous. I would be too, but I fear happiness leading to BOOM. Still though, I am amzed someone did all that for me in my life. Grateful and, -wow.
 
@beaneeboo just wanted to add one thing that I recalled. This seemed to start with the cancellation policy, and you know how much you searched the site, bearing in mind I'm guessing you felt pretty upset and confused. The feeling or perception that the policy then became available, and his defensiveness about it, might feel like he was dishonest, which doesn't feel trustworthy. But if he didn't have the policy up, and felt a need to defend that the cost was due it may be more about what he needs coming in as income, or even shame he didn't have it posted. It might have felt better received if he just said he hadn't had it posted (but then you may not have been required to pay that session). Or he might have thought it was posted and gotten mad at himself he hadn't.

Thy say trust is actually to a great degree about many moments of turning towards, not away or especially not turning against. But that takes a lot of sacrifice and consistency and I suppose in that way it is also about a certain positive regard. And ultimately trusting in someone's personality and choices to care, versus attack, defend, ignore or harm. For them (or yourself) to feel motivated enough to take what may not be the easy way, but takes the other person's perspective in to account, including wanting to not hurt them. I think your T may have felt stress over his own needs, or something you are not even aware of. Which you can choose to forgive (or not) without resentment or minimizing or maximizing it. That's one option.
 
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Thank you for both of your posts @Tinyflame .. they have been very useful, especially where you share your own experience and what you've learned from it...

[. The feeling or perception that the policy then became available, and his defensiveness about it, might feel like he was dishonest, which doesn't feel trustworthy.
Yes exactly this. It was the changing of the goal posts, telling me the rule is one thing, then saying it's another, then him getting defensive when I asked if he'd only just put the T&Cs up on his site. I felt its his right to change his terms of they aren't working for him. But he needed to communicate that with me BEFORE any cancellation issues came up, not during. The fact I highlighted that I'd looked for them and didn't find them by email or on his site wasn't addressed by him. It was met with a defensive email which was OTT. And it's at this point that everything went really down hill for me. Because in that interaction here he was treating me as if I'd done something quite wrong. That made me feel I wasn't allowed to speak out (triggering), was being unfair in some way to him (triggering) that I wasn't allowed to question or clarify a misunderstanding without being thought badly of.
But if he didn't have the policy up, and felt a need to defend that the cost was due it may be more about what he needs coming in as income, or even shame he didn't have it posted.
I really can see his reasoning for wanting a clear policy in place that 48 hrs is too little time. I've never had a problem with it. Completely understand it. It's just not ever ever what he said until this email thread so it was a big change with no warning. And no acknowledgement there was no warning. Then a defensive email which made me feel crap. I felt powerless in that exchange. That I could explain my side. But I still understand where he's coming from.
It might have felt better received if he just said he hadn't had it posted
Yep. Honesty helps in a trustful relationship
(but then you may not have been required to pay that session).
I would always have paid. In fact I did immediately. But I guess his fear is that I wouldn't. And maybe other clients of his haven't. My inner critic tells me that I have become too much for him. That I take up alot of him time, emotional mind space etc. And he's realised he doesn't get compensated enough for it. Maybe even thinks i don't appreciate what he does for me. But as I've learnt, this is mind reading! It's not objective and probably not correct.
Or he might have thought it was posted and gotten mad at himself he hadn't.
Possibly.
Thy say trust is actually to a great degree about many moments of turning towards, not away or especially not turning against. But that takes a lot of sacrifice and consistency and I suppose in that way it is also about a certain positive regard.
yes I think on both sides the positive regard has been lacking in this. If I'm honest I felt a mistrust towards him before the email began which was sparked by a very difficult session.
And ultimately trusting in someone's personality and choices to care, versus attack, defend, ignore or harm. For them (or yourself) to feel motivated enough to take what may not be the easy way, but takes the other person's perspective in to account, including wanting to not hurt them. I think your T may have felt stress over his own needs, or something you are not even aware of.
yes I can see this now. And it's helpful to think of it in this way. T is not a bad person. And I know he's worked hard to help me.
Which you can choose to forgive (or not) without resentment or minimizing or maximizing it. That's one option.
I choose to forgive. The resentment bit is hard. I do have a habit of remembering and finding it hard to let go. I'm working on how to do that.

Thank you for your input much appreciated
 
But I guess his fear is that I wouldn't. And maybe other clients of his haven't. My inner critic tells me that I have become too much for him. That I take up alot of him time, emotional mind space etc. And he's realised he doesn't get compensated enough for it. Maybe even thinks i don't appreciate what he does for me. But as I've learnt, this is mind reading! It's not objective and probably not correct.
Something that has helped me in this domain is labeling these sorts of things as fears. So rather than “I’ve become too much for him, I take up a lot of time, and he’s realized he doesn’t get compensated enough for it.” It would be, “I’m afraid that I’ve become too much for him. I’m afraid that I take up a lot of his time and I’m afraid he’s come to realize that he doesn’t get compensated enough for the time he gives me. I’m afraid he will think I’m not appreciative of what he does for me.” I find this really helps me understand that my fears are fears, informed by past experiences with other people, not necessarily my current reality. That enables me to acknowledge them and move through them a little more easily because I have greater awareness that some (usually little) part of me has been activated/triggered and thinks a bad thing is about to happen because they are still living in the past where those bad things did happen. This awareness also gives me a bit more trust that what I’m afraid will happen in current reality is unlikely to actually happen (depending on the circumstance, person, relationship, etc.)

Also, just want to say that I really admire how you are taking feedback in, incorporating it into how you are understanding yourself, your T, and the situation, and moving forward. This isn’t easy stuff, and I think you are really doing well. 💜
 
I think that's really brave @beaneeboo , and you are welcome.

I know I can over-focus on what seems scary. I like @ninja 's suggestion, and if there is much respect and esteem for one another you can say it out loud, too. Not putting someone on a pedestal, recognizing they are also human, but having a sort of childlike confidence in their feedback.

As we know triggers are ours to manage. Sure it is very appreciated if someone understands how it feels and takes it into consideration or is 'softer' on us, but nonetheless often it won't, or can't be. Often we aren't even sure what it is that really sets us off, at least at first. Or if we do it seems more- what's the word?- uncaring or agriegous?- if it seems it was on purpose. But, really, it's 'normal' and not a big deal for most people. And easier to talk 'about' than when we are in the thick of it. Sometimes it's just 'the feeling' (fear) that acts as a reminder (not a trigger) for me. But in a better frame of mind it's not such a big deal. Especially if reconciled. Sort of the difference between fear, panic, and triggering versus perspective and a sense of safety. Realizing it feels like a bigger deal because of fear, rather than justification to stop trusting. But I think it is eased along if it can be addressed.

As you said, your T is a good person and has worked hard to help you.
 
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Also, just want to say that I really admire how you are taking feedback in, incorporating it into how you are understanding yourself, your T, and the situation, and moving forward. This isn’t easy stuff, and I think you are really doing well. 💜
Firstly @ninja thank you for saying this... it means alot because with this thread in particular I've really laid myself bare and have felt pretty vulnerable... people do read into what's communicated on this forum in different ways and I know there's always a risk of being further misunderstood, or attacked in some way or hearing truths which are uncomfortable but which I need to know.... But the flip side to that is actually receiving alot of feedback from people who care and want to help me help myself... and that's pretty astounding! Your comment has boosted my confidence a bit thank you 😊

Something that has helped me in this domain is labeling these sorts of things as fears. So rather than “I’ve become too much for him, I take up a lot of time, and he’s realized he doesn’t get compensated enough for it.” It would be, “I’m afraid that I’ve become too much for him. I’m afraid that I take up a lot of his time and I’m afraid he’s come to realize that he doesn’t get compensated enough for the time he gives me. I’m afraid he will think I’m not appreciative of what he does for me.” I find this really helps me understand that my fears are fears, informed by past experiences with other people, not necessarily my current reality. That enables me to acknowledge them and move through them a little more easily because I have greater awareness that some (usually little) part of me has been activated/triggered and thinks a bad thing is about to happen because they are still living in the past where those bad things did happen. This awareness also gives me a bit more trust that what I’m afraid will happen in current reality is unlikely to actually happen (depending on the circumstance, person, relationship, etc.)
This is really helpful... and I need to keep remembering this as a technique to employ when there are disagreements... I guess it's all about owning my own feelings and recognising them as just that.. not the objective truth but my feelings... feelings aren't wrong but they may be Ill informed from thoughts which aren't healthy or useful... it can be easy to forget all that when you're in it...
 
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