Email fallout with T - need advice please

[beaneeboo]

Not only reading between the lines, but full on voodoo zombie mode.

To my way of thinking?

Either take him at his word, or don’t. Reading 17 levels of conspiracy theory between the lines? Says you don’t. Might be an interesting experimemt to do so, however.

As a “him” test, rather than a “people” test.

Thanks @Friday .. your post made me laugh out loud

Ok so I do realise, having listened alot to others on this thread, that when I'm triggered my full blown paranoid state (zombie state!) kicks in and I see everything through that lens ... it's essentially mis trust playing out in real time...

So I am trying hard now to orchestrate going back and working this out with him... and that will involve trying to take him at his word...

I guess I'll see how it goes. I feel sh*t scared.

 

[KayW]

@beaneeboo What would happen if you turned this on it's head. You paint a pretty awful picture, so what motivated you to consider going back to him?

 

[beaneeboo]

@beaneeboo What would happen if you turned this on it's head. You paint a pretty awful picture, so what motivated you to consider going back to him?

I think the realisation that the work in trying to repair (jointly) could be worth alot in my own journey. That if anything, like others have said, walking away when things are upsetting and messy doesn't do the good work we've done any justice. And that even if I decide I don't want further therapy with him, I'll be learning how to have the courage to cross that threshold to turn up, try to say my perspective ... something I've rarely been able to do... and which is a barrier in alot of my relationships today (keeping quiet as I don't feel i have a voice).

I'm well aware this isn't an 'only me' thing. He needs to also acknowledge his own poor choice in style of communication and that the original misunderstanding is also down to him not providing the info correctly. So I'm not going in there with a mind to grovel. I really haven't done much wrong. But the way I want to deal with it (running away upset) needs to change. And I need to learn how to speak out for myself.

 

[Movingforward10]

But the way I want to deal with it (running away upset) needs to change. And I need to learn how to speak out for myself.

This is so positive and great.

 

[beaneeboo]

This is so positive and great.

Thank you @Movingforward10

 

[KayW]

I think the realisation that the work in trying to repair (jointly) could be worth alot in my own journey.

I'm well aware this isn't an 'only me' thing. He needs to also acknowledge his own poor choice in style of communication and that the original misunderstanding is also down to him not providing the info correctly. So I'm not going in there with a mind to grovel. I really haven't done much wrong.

I agree with the first statement. But in the second statement, it sounds like your expectation of repairing the rupture is for him to admit that he's wrong and take all (or most) of the responsibility for your experience of this situation.

In my mind, those feelings are connected to abuse. Like, if only we could make that abuser see they are wrong and we are good, then they will say sorry, take all the responsibility and fix everything they've broken. That's the child me fairytale, but it's an unhealthy motivation for the adult me.

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks @KayW

But in the second statement, it sounds like your expectation of repairing the rupture is for him to admit that he's wrong

No. My intention is for my perspective to be heard / listened to. I'm well aware we may get to a 'Let's agree to disagree' point with it, which is fine as long as everyone's been heard.

and take all (or most) of the responsibility for your experience of this situation.

No, not at all. Like I just said, this is about being heard. And me learning to speak up and say my truth. I'm really not trying to get into a childish way of thinking that one is right and one is wrong. I'll be open to listening to what he has to say also.

In my mind, those feelings are connected to abuse. Like, if only we could make that abuser see they are wrong and we are good, then they will say sorry, take all the responsibility and fix everything they've broken. That's the child me fairytale, but it's an unhealthy motivation for the adult

Maybe this is why you've read my situation in this light as it's in your mind and your childyou fairy tale?

For me it's not like that.

Thank you for your input, I like different views / takes on things because it pushes me to really think things through

 

[KayW]

Maybe this is why you've read my situation in this light as it's in your mind and your childyou fairy tale?

Of course. And that's why I use language like, in my mind and the child me. It's awareness of how my own experiences affect how I perceive those of others.

It's all part of PTSD and falling in to different parts, particularly child parts. Mine are not well equipped for dealing with relationships. So becoming aware of them has been part of the therapeutic process.

 

[beaneeboo]

Of course. And that's why I use language like, in my mind and the child me. It's awareness of how my own experiences affect how I perceive those of others.

It's all part of PTSD and falling in to different parts, particularly child parts. Mine are not well equipped for dealing with relationships. So becoming aware of them has been part of the therapeutic process.

It's sounds like you've acquired alot of knowledge re this which is great...I think essentially it's the ultimate goal for everyone... we're all working on it, abuse history or not.... it's really helpful everyone's comments, thank you for your input

 

[Ecdysis]

This was in my email feed today - might be helpful in terms of achieving some inner peace about it...?

Drop The Case - Rick Hanson, PhD

Enjoy the good feelings and other rewards of dropping your case. Set down the case, like plopping down a heavy suitcase. Enjoy the feelings, the spaciousness of mind, openness of heart, inner freedom, and other rewards of dropping your case.

rickhanson.com

Also, via Pete Walker, I've been learning about the "outer critic" the counterpart to C-PTSD's toxic inner critic.

It's so easy to slip between the inner and outer critic, neither of which are kind or helpful.

https://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks for v this @Ecdysis ... I'm going to try to get reading this all later today... I really appreciate you sending me these things... sometimes I get over whelmed at the amount of info out there and don't read anything... so the fact you're pulling out relevant material has helped with that alot!

I hope you're doing OK today

 

[beaneeboo]

This was in my email feed today - might be helpful in terms of achieving some inner peace about it...?

Drop The Case - Rick Hanson, PhD

Enjoy the good feelings and other rewards of dropping your case. Set down the case, like plopping down a heavy suitcase. Enjoy the feelings, the spaciousness of mind, openness of heart, inner freedom, and other rewards of dropping your case.

rickhanson.com

Yes this seems fairly simple to action...I think it gives a good template to sit back and try to reframe where you're at in hard situation with someone else like a disagreement or grievance... but only once you're out of feeling it at its worst... I will try to do this this weekend

Also, via Pete Walker, I've been learning about the "outer critic" the counterpart to C-PTSD's toxic inner critic.

It's so easy to slip between the inner and outer critic, neither of which are kind or helpful.

https://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf

This is quite a read!! I can't finish it all in one go.. too much to process... but essentially wow... there are so many things I recognise in this... and he keeps repeating about the links to these thought and feeling patterns and to the cptsd brain.. I keep thinking 'oh yes I understand this well' then reading its a common ptsd thought pattern ... not things I was aware of... it's a little unnerving to read in a way.. because I still have a hard time accepting on some days that it was trauma, that I have cptsd... and this article is making me go...'you need to wake up' ...

I'm going to keep going through it...