Ptsd "not All Wounds Are Visible" What Are Yours?

[zaniara]

I don't "like" your wounds, and the things you wrote, but I "like" your courage and the fact that you still are alive and fighting to get a better life.

And now the main point (double clearing of throat) is - that in complex trauma or developmental trauma disorder, the wounds are, by definition, invisible, outside of conscious awareness

Pencil: The stuff you wrote up there really got to me.. And I do think it's a pitty complex-PTSD is not "in the books": as in a proper diagnose. Since PTSD doesn't describe at all the severity of the damage a person who has been trough abuse/neglect/violence at early age suffers. (My therapist uses EMDR among other techniques, and it might be helpful, but it's really difficult and bringing a lot of stuff and chaos up..)

My self: the biggest wound is my lack of trust in people, and even in my self and my own feelings/thoughts. I really don't know what safety feels like. Control-issues I'm working hard on dropping, but every time I try to trust someone and let them very close to me "I" "disappear" somehow and overwhelming feelings of terror, chaos, fear, anger and other difficult feelings overwhelm me. I can handle "closeness" to a certain degree now, with just a couple of persons, but I don't even trust my best friends "all the way"; and when it gets to much I need to isolate. :(

My traumas are many; from early age. Physical, verbal and emotional violence, seeing persons and animals I loved being hurt, sexual abuse etc.

 

[Me Myself and I]

Well I've been through a lot really!! But after subscribing into this forum I've realized that my problems were nothing conpared to a lot of people in here!

But if I'd have to go into my "problems" in details, then I'll add being attacked back at college from a group of guys! Months later a guy tried to rape me but luckily I've managed to punch him somehow and ran away, I've been verbally attacked for four years at college, guys pullying my hair, touching me whenever they had the chance to.

I'm so insecure, full of fears, can't trust anyone, I hate crowds and being in public places such as cinemas, restaurants and busses!

Been through a tough period when we had the war in Libya, bombs all day long for eight long months, witnesed an assault, women men and kids shouting and screming every single day all the time! Now I can't take kids playing around loudly or shouting messing about!! I became way too paranoid, stressing out easily, mood swings and way too many things that make me everything but normal and at peace.

 

[zaniara]

But after subscribing into this forum I've realized that my problems were nothing conpared to a lot of people in here!

Your traumas are not "nothing"!! And there is no point in comparing! (I only do it to build on my own gratitude- but a friend of mine says that I minimize my own suffering.. I don't know.) But I send you a hug if you want it, and please don't minimize your pain and suffering! Please try to be gentle with your self. ((( Nabii nabzz )))

 

[Me Myself and I]

Thank you so much, warm hugs back (((Zaniara))).

 

[Pencil]

Since PTSD doesn't describe at all the severity of the damage a person who has been trough abuse/neglect/violence at early age suffers.

Yes, and we are not even fully aware of it. It is difficult to distinguish between what is 'normal' and what is the result of abuse. It's almost as if my experience of myself is like being at the eye of a storm: to me everything feels 'normal', whereas for those outside of the 'eye', things are chaotic.

the biggest wound is my lack of trust in people, and even in my self and my own feelings/thoughts.

For me it is not simply being unable to trust. I trust the wrong people, or I misread signals that show that I shouldn't trust, and I get paranoid about innocuous things. And yes, as a result I find it impossible to trust my own feelings and thoughts. I have multiple views on every person, thought, feeling, event, whatever. I look at everythign for multiple perspectives, and don't know which one is valid/true/sane/'symptom-free'.

every time I try to trust someone and let them very close to me "I" "disappear" somehow and overwhelming feelings of terror, chaos, fear, anger and other difficult feelings overwhelm me.

Ditto.

and when it gets to much I need to isolate.

Ditto.

 

[zaniara]

I trust the wrong people

Oh, YES! That's the other side of the coin.. (Maybe only an expression used in Sweden? :) ) I can do that too. I've done it. But the last couple of years I'm pretty isolated instead, and to scared to for example get in to a relationship with a man. Even as a friend. Since I can't trust my self or my judgment.

It is difficult to distinguish between what is 'normal' and what is the result of abuse.

Dito.

And yes, as a result I find it impossible to trust my own feelings and thoughts.

'' - Oh, you expressed it so exactly and to the point there!

If I don't get "crazy" when people gets to close I simply "ceace to exist"; and just "go through the motions" somehow.. (Not being able to feel, or know what I feel.) Oh. Thank you so much for what you wrote. It helped me feel less strange!


But now I think we are a bit off topic! :)

 

[Pencil]

But now I think we are a bit off topic!

Oh, I always am! I hijack threads and go off on my own tangents :D But I'll tell myself it's one of the symptoms :whistling:

 

[DianeB]

I have experienced a trauma that has 'broken the camel's back' and am currently in the beginnings of a clinical negligence case. The person concerned is currently being investigated for fitness to practice.

I started to write an epic on the traumas up to that pint but its too upsetting, sorry, so had to delete it

 

[safenow]

The person concerned is currently being investigated for fitness to practice.

There are really too many of those type out there. Not enough good ones. At least, when I was younger. Who knows any more. There are so many people who are doing some wonderful things for those of us with PTSD now.

 

[Annicus]

Being attacked and almost killed for something out if my control.

Haven't had a perfect life either many traumas

 

[maddog]

When it comes to trauma wounding, it's hard to know where to start really, other than to say that for a long time, pre-PTSD breakdown, none of the wounds - either psychological/emotional or physical, were visible, though I now observe in hindsight that at least some of the psychological/emotional scarring was far more visible to the world than I ever believed at the time.

The psychological wounds run deep of course. For me, I feel as though my self concept and view of myself will never ever heal, and that a toxic hatred and rejection of myself is a scarr deeper than any therapeutic cure can reach. Hell, even just acknowledging that fact is just me repeating the analysis of my therapist, who I trust, as even now I can't really truly identify that the feelings I have for myself are anything other than true and accurate.

Ironically, even the physical wounds are hidden - the scarring hidden on the parts of my body that the world doesn't see, thanks to the ever vigilant care of my father who made sure that nobody ever saw. The worst wounds are internal - and here the physical reflects the emotional. I have it on good medical authority that my insides are so damaged from sexual violence that no less than 4 specialists have separately given me a version of the fact that they have never seen anything like it, and have asked me to be a teaching case... though exactly what can be taught on that basis has always remained a mystery to me.

Lately I am struggling to overcome a horrible, hateful obsession with the physical damage inside of me, and its inextricabel link to the psychological damage, also inside of me.

Accepting that anyone who knew the truth of that damage could ever, ever value me as anything at all... is perhaps the deepest of the deep scarrs.

Maddog