Can You Relate?

[safenow]

Just so you all know. I saw the therapist yesterday, and sent some notes so the little could get the help they needed in grounding.

I found out it was my feral child. He ask for her to tell him how they ground. So while showing him how she breathes. He taught her the correct way to breathe. I didn't realize she didn't know. Then, when she showed him her teddy Diana, she said the 5-4-3-2-1 game. But didn't know how to play it. She had the bear sitting on the desk and kept looking at it. From time to time she would touch it, but didn't know it was okay to hold it. So he taught her the color game. Now, the one who didn't know how to ground has ways to ground. He was very wise in how he handled the situation. I am so glad we had them ask him to read the last page of our notes before doing or saying anything.

Today, she is much calmer. Thank goodness. I've actually been able to have some peace today. LOL.

 

[MagiLisu]

As others have said, I cannot relate to the multiple personalities as such, but I can relate to the feelings of 'knowing' your in a familiar surroundings but not 'feeling' that you are in familiar surroundings.

I find that I have to constantly talk myself round when I get into a situation like that. I hope in time all of you learn how to live together and cooperate with each other.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

There are so many ways this sounds just like what I go through and almost as many ways that it isn't, I think we're all unique. Unique people with unique personalities, histories, trauma, abusers, friends, social systems, support systems. Every person and every situation is unique and yet there's so many things that are the same and I like to hold on to that to prevent myself getting lost in it all. So whilst I don't know exactly what you go through, I know that I experience things very similar. I know you probably know all that already, so here are the ways that my flashbacks are similar to yours:

I either wake up and don't know where I am or I loose where I am, in a way it's more scary loosing where I am because I don't like losing control. It feels more real when I wake up and don't know who I am or where I am, a part of me thinks its a dream and tries to wake me, the other part assuredly knows that it's real - I think this is more real and I shut down, it washes over me (like rocks). In flashbacks there isn't one sense that doesn't get affected, maybe not all at the same time, but sometimes. I can't feel the pain as if I really was back then. I feel confused in my room and that shakes my foundations as that is the ONE place I know I can feel safe and when that's taken away from me my world falls away, then when I realise it is my room I get even more confused and don't feel any safer. The worst part is once it starts, even if I get it to stop for a while I comes back again and again until I break and I've lost a part of me and I haven't got that back yet, I hope I do. It never completely goes but it does back off until the next time. I also get excruciating cluster migraines that get worse and worse until the flashback comes. Admittedly that's mostly with new memories.

More recently I got terrified because I couldn't work out/remember who I was and I was confused every (literally) time I looked up and saw any of my surroundings I felt so lost and confused. I got the migraines and even if I tried to hold on to what I knew they caused more and more pain until I couldn't hold on anymore. I didn't get any flashbacks, it was like one part of my head wanted to show me them and the other refused to let it. I felt like I was losing it (more than usual). My inner self and outer self seemed further and further away from each other, I heard screaming that I don't know if was from a flashback or my head. I began to think maybe I had DID, there are other signs (over all and recently) but I think now, that mostly they can be covered by the PTSD/Depersonalisation/Derealisation, but I'm still not sure. If I've got anyone in there I definitely don't want to upset them. But I think it's just the above with self-soothing and rationalisation. Time will tell (if someone else doesn't get there first :P) So I am different in that I don't think that I have DID. And despite the fantastic advice you and other gave me on my intro post, I haven't been able to test your grounding tools yet, so I don't know what it's like to be able to ground myself. Not very helpful I know. But I hope you feel better.

I don't know if that helps, it was very focused on me and not you. But you asked what I get, that's most of it. But it's not always the same - it never ceases to surprise me - I wish it would. I haven't got a therapist yet, but I'm waiting for one.

I'm glad you got some peace. Take a breather!

AJ
xx

 

[safenow]

you asked what I get, that's most of it.

i want to thank you for sharing that, Kas_Can_Fly. I know it's not easy to share these types of experiences with people. But I am glad you were brave enough to share with me.

I haven't been able to test your grounding tools yet, so I don't know what it's like to be able to ground myself

I'm sorry to hear that. I think you might find, once you are able to do even the smallest part of bringing yourself into the now (grounding) totally, it can give you a peace you've probably never felt before. Or, if you have, you have forgotten how it feels.

I haven't got a therapist yet, but I'm waiting for one.

I hope for your sake, you get one soon. Up until I processed my session with mine yesterday, I was angry. I was thinking "he didn't do anything". But, the reality was, he did exactly what I ask him to do. And that was to help my little.

I know you don't know exactly what your issues are yet, but you are doing the right things in talking about your issues in a place where people understand and don't put you down or mock and make fun of you. No one here will call you names, or tell you to "suck it up".

And thank you for talking to me, and being happy I finally have peace again.

I hope in time all of you learn how to live together and cooperate with each other.

In spite of the fact that we got triggered and had a small set-back, normally, we do live together in peace and harmony. We function very well, thank you. I appreciate your kindness in wishing that for me. I too pray that you can live in peace and be able to handle all your triggers in a manner that can bring you peace.

 

[MagiLisu]

Thank you safenow.

Kas_Can_Fly, I too hope you find a therapist soon, I feel that a good therapist is a valuable source of support.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you, although I think I should clarify that I meant that I haven't needed to, I haven't dissociated or had flashbacks I seem to have caught on to something. I'm holding on for dear life! But that's so much better than having no control. Thank you very much.

AJ
xx

 

[maddog]

Hi Safenow. I too am only now seeing this thread, and so chiming in late with what will probably be no meaningful input or feedback at all.

I know many, and I do mean many, people with DID, as I regularly attend a trauma treatment programme where the majority of patients have DID. I am very much in the minority in having *only* PTSD and DDNOS. When I first discovered this fact, I was confused, resentful and a little scared. What was I doing here? Why hadn't someone explained it to me? What if I unintentionally did or said things that caused people to switch (which I did by the way).

Thankfully it didn't take long for me to realise that there were far far far more similarities than differences in terms of what we all experienced, and while DID certainly poses unique experiences and challenges that I am thankful every day not to endure, I actually found that I stopped feeling alien and awkward very quickly. I now treasure many of these people as good friends and feel quite privilleged at having been allowed to be privy to many accounts of their lives, some of which I relate to, and some of which I can only empathise with as an observer.

I say all that to say that what you describe in this thread is extremely similar to many many accounts I have heard from my friends with DID. I personally relate to much of the dissociated confusion about time and place, particularly on waking, to the difficulty in "owning" and controlling my body in such states, to the extreme body pain and somatic memories, and to the displaced emotional states that come along with such experiences. I am paraphrasing you of course, hopefully with at least reasonable accuracy...

Personally I find that one of the great challenges for me is to manage and regulate the terror I experience when I find myself caught in these dissociative experiences. In some strangely ironic way, that fear is greatest when I am "present" enough to be fully aware that the sensations and awarenesses I am experiencing are not representative of reality, because those are the times I fear I am going crazy and losing control of myself. Managing my fear and resulting behaviour through those times is the only way through it, yet is undoubtedly the toughest part for me.

Recently, during EMDR, I became more fully aware of what I am, perhaps inappropriately, referring to as a non-dissociated identity. It's odd and confusing, in that I am fully aware of the apparent switching in my consciousness, and so of course this isn't an alter in the true sense, but there is a very definite "part" of me - a young child with a knife who is being forced to harm herself by her father - who has a system of separate thoughts, feelings and potential behaviours that are not consistent with my current adult self.

It's taking me a long time to get my head around this and to start to try to feel safe about it. Not meaning to hijack your thread, and sorry if I have, but really I just wanted to say all of that to offer a hand of empathy and support to you. I truly and genuinely respect and acknowledge the unique struggle of dealing with DID that cannot be fully appreciated by anyone who doesn't have it. It takes a courage, and a level of insight and self awareness, and a grim determination to survive, that are among the greatest markers of human strength that I have ever known.

Hope you're feeling better and calmer following the help of your therapist.

Maddog

 

[safenow]

this isn't an alter in the true sense, but there is a very definite "part" of me - a young child with a knife who is being forced to harm herself by her father - who has a system of separate thoughts, feelings and potential behaviors that are not consistent with my current adult self.

I believe, you will find, as you begin to accept that "inner child" and teach yourself healing, it will merge within, and you will be in a good position to help others, who like yourself, don't have DID, but can empathize with us. What you described is exactly how it feels to have alters.

I hope that makes sense. Sometimes, I know what I want to say, but by the time it comes out of my mouth, or my fingers, it's sort of messed up. *blush*

 

[anna_spanner]

Ahh I lost my reply :(

I too am multiple and it can be really complex. I've been quite unstable recently and have often found myself not knowing where I was or feeling I was in different places. This has been through both sight and physical sensations and pain. Most common difficult times are when I've switched to one younger, of which I have quite a few as they don't usually understand.

I find it helpful having different grounding techniques to try depending on situations, and other things available eg my soft toy rabbit, some 'safe' but fairly strong fragrance, mints. I am also going to do some flashcards reminding me of the year and I am safe etc.

I'm still learning a lot, in some ways it's quite new to me. The 'coping with trauma related dissociation workbook' is helpful.

You're not alone. I know it's scary tho
Anna

 

[safenow]

The 'coping with trauma related dissociation workbook' is helpful.

I've requested they put that book into a kindle version. lol. Thanks for letting me know.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Hi there I know this is an old post
However I wanted say you are not alone I had 4 personalities going on at once. I'm down to two! You are not alone.

 

[safenow]

Hi PerfectlyFlawed,

Sorry, I haven't been around for a long time. I've been dealing with a lot of medical issues. But I am pleased to say I survived again. LOL. Such is life, eh?

Thank you for caring and making that comment. There are many of us out there. I"m so glad you only had four of them. And two is not bad, my new friend. Not bad at all.

Safenow