Comparing Rape To Being Cheated On

[Core]

On a different forum, people were comparing being cheated on and being raped, saying that they were equally traumatic etc.

I explained that being betrayed is not an equivalent to rape, because rape, violence, being in a war zone etc. are highly traumatic events/situations that threaten your physical integrity, your life and/or your physical health - that the reason rape causes the psyche to suffer so is the threat to or damaging of your body/life/integrity. That, obviously, cheating does not threaten your physical health or integrity in the same way.

I also cited and gave links to both ICD and DSM criteria - that having
"experienced, witnessed, or been confronted with an event or events that involve actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others"
is the first, basic criterion and that this means PTSD can not be diagnosed without this criterion met.

But no, apparently some professor says that being cheated on gives lots of PTSD symptoms and is just as traumatic, and somebody knows somebody who's been diagnosed with PTSD because of events that did not meet this criterion, so let's not bother with DSM and ICD.

It's ridiculous and frustrating that ANYONE would ever compare the two. It's like saying "A tree fell down and hit the grass while we were standing far away, it was as traumatizing as war!" Of course it isn't!

So, upon telling someone I have many symptoms of PTSD:
"Oh, PTSD, did someone cheat on you or were your bicycle stolen?"
Seriously, has anyone been met with that kind of questions? It seems the misconceptions where I live may very lead to that.

 

[discarded]

It does sound absurd to possibly compare the 2 but all sorts of trauma can cause PTSD symptoms, not just physical trauma. Just as 2 individuals can endure the same trauma and one will end up with PTSD where the other does not. Speaking from my own experience being cheated on is extremely traumatic and although I do not have PTSD I do have depression. It is something that will affect me for a very long time to come and affect relationships I have with the opposite sex.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I personally think that it is comparing apples and oranges. How could they be the same they are not. Both are awful and I do not see the necessity of getting in a pissing match over it. None of us walk in the others shoes and can not compare our pains. It is what it is to us individually. I can see both causing PTSD. It's how and what has happened before, during and after the trauma that is also important in how it affects us. No one has a right to judge in my opinion.

 

[Abstract]

I don't know if this helps anyone but I think this article explains it rather well. http://www.thebody.com/content/art48754.html The first part is related to HIV but from "The Trauma Continuum" onwards it is relevant.

The Long Term Effects section explains what happens in the body and the differences between different types of trauma. I do believe all pain and distress is important and deserves healing and that all distressing experiences can have long term effects on peoples lives in different ways. What those effects look like differs depending on the type of experience and many other factors.

 

[Hashi]

There's a good book about bullying but something I don't like about it is that it says bullying is like rape. I know from personal experience that they can both be traumatic and that they are nothing like each other. I suppose a lot of people don't have a way to know that. It's frustrating that they feel qualified to say it, though.

I have to say that even on this site I sometimes see people comparing an experience to torture, and I feel similarly about that.

I wish people felt able to simply say that being cheated on, bullied etc is awful, without wanting to validate or justify that by comparing it to anything else. Each thing is what it is.

 

[safenow]

It is my hope and prayer that who ever made that comment never has to experience the difference between the two.

My goodness, I'm not sure who said that, but it's obvious they have never been raped. While it might be true that being cheated on is very hard to take, and can upset a person greatly, there is really no way the two are similar.

It bothers me that it as a professional person who is passing on the information, because they are not giving the person who has been raped validation. Now, there will be those who just dismiss what happened to them as a silly thing they just need to get over. How dare they do that to thousands of men and women who have suffered at the hands of another.

Rape is not about sex. It's about control and causing pain to another.

Just my .02

 

[Hashi]

PS Core, have you been able to step away from that other discussion? If you've said what you've said, I think it could end up getting toxic for you to stay and to keep trying to convince people who will never get it. Hope you can move away from it now.

 

[The Albatross]

Just from off the top of my head, and doubtless I could continue the lists ad nauseum...

Cheating: breach of trust, betrayal, inability or lack of desire to contain sexual desires or instincts, covert behavior, dishonesty, inability or unwillingness to establish monogomy or healthy relational intimacy, narcissism

Rape: Masoginy, anger, rage, control, possible sadism, criminal behavior, assault, violence, possible perversions or reinacting abuse that happened to them, sociopathic or other mental illness behaviors

No comparison in my book. I do not consider cheating a root cause for PTSD. And yes, I have experienced both, multiple times.

 

[Core]

I agree with you all. What surprised me so is that a lot of people found the comparison sensible. Being bullied, cheated on, raped, tortured - they're all awful experiences in very different ways, so why compare?

I wish people felt able to simply say that being cheated on, bullied etc is awful, without wanting to validate or justify that by comparing it to anything else. Each thing is what it is.

Very well said. I suppose it comes down to understanding. We all want others to understand our feelings, but I wish people could describe their experiences sufficiently without comparing them to all kinds of other things.

PS Core, have you been able to step away from that other discussion?

Yes, I have. There's no reason to participate when one has explained thoroughly, given sources, examples etc. :) This would've engaged me just as much had I not been raped myself, though, having seen many others struggle from being raped.

 

[The Albatross]

Core I think people think they compare because they are trying to equate emotional pain with real trauma. For me the two are distinctly different. The former is survivable, the latter is survivable "if" it doesn't result in a fatality and usually that isn't up to us. For those of us with trama our ability to survive is out of our hands - we can only look for ways to not die but can't control the events of the trauma. Also - There is not choice of participation in a trauma for us. There is choice in a relationship.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

There's a good book about bullying but something I don't like about it is that it says bullying is like rape.

Being bullied, cheated on, raped, tortured - they're all awful experiences in very different ways, so why compare?

I'm sure many people here will have unfortunately experienced both, I have been bullied by many people through out my life, two of those instances ended in threats to my life, one verbally so, the other physically. Most of the people who have bullied me (and any that were more than pointing and names) were all female.

I have also been through the other, repeatedly, underage, from a family member though I remember three men involved.

I trust men more than I trust women. I think, I know not all men are rapists, but I find it difficult to believe that most females aren't by their nature at least bitchy and I tend to presume more than that.

Even though truthfully only within the past fortnight have I admitted that the bullying might have been traumatic (compared to the rest, less so, but that doesn't invalidate it). Nonetheless drawing conclusions between trauma's are unnecessary and pointless for what is the same for one won't be the same for another. However, despite having not been cheated on, I feel that it would have less impact to the risk of one's life - then again I think that the bullying in my case at least was less bad, to the extent I didn't really (and still don't to a large part) admit that it was traumatising. But that is for me, in my case.

Whatever the case, it's a horror to the person experiencing it and no trauma no matter how small or large should be discounted as not being traumatic. I think.

AJ
xx

 

[Pencil]

At first glance the comparison seems ridiculous, especially as the word 'cheating' is used, which has connotations of low-life, sordid behavior. BUT:

When I was 12 I was 'friends' with the neighbour's 19 year old son as we often bumped into each other taking our dogs for long walks in a massive open field near where we lived. I live in South Africa, and at that time SA was in the middle of the Angolan war. This 'boy' was already a soldier, had undoubtedly killed, and possibly raped women, in Angola. Anyway, he asked me out once. I did not realize it was a 'date', I thought it was a buddy thing. My mother gave her permission. And so he raped me. I never told anyone. When I was 19 my mother said/snarled: 'After that night you went out with A you've never been the same!' All I could think of was: 'She knew! She's always somehow known!' Yet she used it as a reproach, something to beat me with. I was more affected by my mother's words than by the event itself. The reason is that I felt deeply betrayed by my mother (which happened so often that I find it odd that it still affected me).

And this brings me back to 'cheating'. When I consider the betrayal that is inherent in cheating, it starts to make sense. I think betrayal by people we trust can be deeply damaging and/or traumatic, as it changes the shape of the world as we know it, it disturbs the foundation, and all the fixed points shift. Of course the event when I was 12 affected me for a long time - it would hit me out of the blue for years afterwards. And yet, the event involved only HIM, not the structure of my universe. I also know that as I grew older and learned about rape, I thought that I could not have been raped as I never explicitly say 'no'. It was only much later that I realized that I froze - a typical response to abuse. I couldn't say no as I was completely rigid, frozen, whatever, thanks to my family. And so it is extremely difficult for me to say that betrayal is not as bad as rape. And here I mean real betrayal.

Mmmm, I'll have to think about this one for a while. But I do get your point that somehow 'trauma' has become democratized and so many people claim 'trauma' as a basic human right. It's a little Jerry Springer (or who has replaced Springer? I guess I'm a bit behind the times.)

By the way - I have never spoken about the event when I was 12 before now. Ever.