Comparing Rape To Being Cheated On

[Venusian]

Pencil, I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve it. I am glad that you feel safe enough here to let it out.

I understand about the betrayal and the shifts that can be made in your universe when people close to us do something or say something that affects our trust in them. I have been raped and I have been cheated on by my ex-husband. In both cases I trusted the person who hurt me and the foundations of what was my world changed. In the first instance, the rape and the torture was life threatening. It affected everything I experienced in life after that. In the second instance, I was married at that point for 18 years and never suspected that my husband would ever do what he did because it was something I would never do myself. It shifted the foundations of my world again and the trust I had built with him was gone. It has clouded everything in my life. It was traumatic even though it wasn't life threatening, it was life changing at an emotional level just as the rape had been.

Did the cheating cause PTSD? No, the rape did. Was the cheating traumatic? Yes and it affected me just as the other trauma did. It is the rape and the torture that haunts me now. I mourned the loss of my marriage and it is in the past.

 

[Core]

Pencil: Rapists very often know the victim, from acquaintance to close relations. There's also difference between trust in parents, especially with children/adolescents, and trust we put in a partner. And there's differences in individuals and situations, and I don't know what my point is... (Excuse me, brain isn't working.)

I'm so sorry for how your mother acted. :hug:

 

[Pencil]

the rape and the torture was life threatening

Yes, I understand that. My event was not violent or cruel. I did not fear for my life - I knew that it would at some point be simply over - I never wondered if my life was in danger or not; I knew it was not. I understand that fully, and I have never experienced what you experienced, and I can't equate my experience with something like that. And I am really sorry that happened to you.

 

[anonymous]

Ok, really I just read the title and the first couple of sentences.

It's all, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is relative.

I've been raped and cheated on.

They both suck. does one suck more then the other?

Who knows. They both sucked equally at the time of suckiness.

That's what's important. It's not so much comparing the act of rape to the act of cheating, but comparing the feelings of suckiness and shit that go with each.

The end. :)

 

[maddog]

I think Pencil provides the exact reasons for why we should never, ever, compare experiences as being better or worse than others, more or less traumatic, etc. Every person's individual life context and experiences, before during and after the event, significantly contribute to how and in what ways and for how long that person will be affected. Only if another person has experienced *exactly* the same circumstances, in *exactly* the same way (which is, of course, impossible) could any meaningful comparison be drawn.

Sadly, I think it's human nature for our immediate, almost unconscious, first response to information to be "what does this mean for me?" And hence our first attempt at making sense of that information is to equate it to something we can relate to, hence the tendency to rate and compare.

I like to think that I can often empathise with others' plight, and that that can be a validating thing for me and for the other person. But I try hard to never, ever say that I know what someone else is going through, because I don't, and even if we experience a seemingly identical event, it is likely that our interpretations, reactions and subsequent outcomes will be different.

Thank you for sharing your story and its meaning with us Pencil, I acknowledge that can't have been easy, particularly in a thread such as this, but your point is very well taken.

Maddog

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Btw - I have never spoken about the event when I was 12 before now. Ever.

Well done (not meaning to sound patronising) it must have taken some courage and time to get to the stage of being able to. Only my closest remaining family know of my abuse and of course the perpetrators, who know more than either me or my family as I still have a lot of gaps in my memory. I still can't use the word that describes/ the name of the act with out feeling a wrench inside and a great sickness. The first time I said that word out loud was at my assessment therapy meeting and I felt black and evil, as if by saying it I had committed the act. I hate that word so much, I don't think I can say it again, or type it. Even thinking about it I feel deeply disturbed.

 

[Pencil]

There's also difference between trust in parents, especially with children/adolescents, and trust we put in a partner. And there's differences in individuals and situations, and I don't know what my point is..

:)I think I know what you're trying to say - let me try and rephrase it for you: I think you are trying to say that often the rape and betrayal come in one package when it is done by a family member, such as a father, or a friend of the parents. And THAT must be completely devastating.

Is this part of it?

 

[Core]

:)I think I know what you're trying to say - let me try and rephrase it for you: I think you are trying to say that often the rape and betrayal come in one package when it is done by a family member, such as a father, or a friend of the parents.

Or a partner or a close/trusted friend etc., yes. Where I live it seems a lot of people that have not experienced rape or discussed rape with victims think that rape = being attacked by a random person on the street. (Of course, being attacked at random is terrifying too, in somewhat different ways.)

 

[safenow]

At age four or five, my uncle (not really an uncle) put his hand inside of me. Was that considered rape? I have no idea. From age 9 - 17 I was taught many things sexually by an uncle and aunt (real uncle and his wife) and the people within their groups. Would that be considered rape? I have no idea. At age 28, my fiance pushed me over the couch and raped and sodomized me. He said since he'd already paid for me, he owned me, So it wasn't considered rape. Was it? I have no idea. At 24, my home was burglarized and I was held hostage for 3-4 days and nights, being repeatedly raped and tortured until the police broke in and captured them. Now to me, I know that was rape. Everything that happened to me after that was affected by this last trauma.

I have been cheated on by a couple of my husbands. To me, there is no comparison. I can't read here any longer as I am getting too upset. I hope you all can figure out what is really important is that we can heal from anything that upsets us as long as we don't judge others. But lets not compare big T to little t. Please.

 

[Pencil]

Sadly, I think it's human nature for our immediate, almost unconscious, first response to information to be "what does this mean for me?" And hence our first attempt at making sense of that information is to equate it to something we can relate to, hence the tendency to rate and compare.

Yes.

 

[Pencil]

I can't read here any longer as I am getting too upset.

I'm sorry, Safenow.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

To me, there is no comparison. I can't read here any longer as I am getting too upset. I hope you all can figure out what is really important is that we can heal from anything that upsets us as long as we don't judge others. But lets not compare big T to little t. Please.

I must admit Safenow, the more I try to be understanding of everyone's troubles, the more I try to understand this comparison the more angry and upset I get. I think I should be fair and understanding because they as little t and big T are both the same letter. It's not that simple at all and the more I try to deny it the louder my head screams in pain. I'm so determined to be accepting of everyone's problems I ignored that.

The reason I looked at this thread was because I was horrified by the comparison. I read it and wanted to be open minded, I am trying to be. Maybe it's because I've been through one and not the other but truthfully I don't believe all trauma is equal - even my own. Death threats, daily kicking and beatings, being pushed off of a moving train, I don't consider it in the same boat as half an hour of the other. I thought I just didn't/couldn't understand being cheated on, but I don't know. I want everyone to feel at ease and validated. I want to be fair and non-judgmental. But I don't understand, either entirely or vaguely. So I will keep on reading to see if I can understand, maybe one day.

AJ
xx