That the invalidation and lack of protection from their parent was in some respects worse.
Abstract, I want to take this opportunity to clear something up - though not directly in response to you.
When I referred to my mother's reaction, and saying it was worse, I was referring to that incident directly because she said something directly related to the incident. But my mother's reaction that day, and my allusion to it, can (and I think it was) seen as minimal, or an overreaction. (I'm not clear, I know.)
Here is an example: When I was 6 my mother strangled me; she sat on top of me, I was pinned down, her hair, always impeccable, was wild, her face was red, her blue eyes intensely blue. My 11 year old sister was crying and trying to pull my mother off me, but she wasn't strong enough, so she started beating my mother. I started seeing spots in the upper left hand side of my field of vision. I experienced no pain. I was calm. My memory ends there.
I only found out recently that being strangled is very painful, loss of consciousness happens quickly, many children (and women) die of strangulation, and many children die of 'fatal abuse', in other words, the abuser did not intend for the child to die. I also found out that the calmness I experienced was (there is a term for it, but I don't remember) what happens when you give up completely. Same with the fact that I remember no pain at all. I very nearly became a statistic.
This memory is far more disturbing that the event when I was 12 - as I did not need the 'boy' to love me, protect me, treat me well, etc. I did not need him for my survival. And most importantly, I did not love him.
On the other hand, I was a child, I needed my mother, and I loved her. What my mother said that day when I was 19 may sound inane, but it shocked me to my core, as it was another example of her systematic cruelty. She KNEW something had happened, but pointedly ignored it for 7 years - DAILY. The fact that she said 'You've never been the same' means that she knew I was struggling, suffering, whatever, and yet withheld help, comfort, whatever. I was 12, for heaven's sake. AND - it was the relentless beatings etc that made me go rigid that night with the male person (shit, he wasn't a boy, despite being 19) - it was simply one more painful thing being done to my body. AND - was it simply negligence or incompetence that made my mother give permission to go out with him that night? No, it wasn't, I knew her better than that. (When my sister was 12 my mother bought her her first doll. Please explain this brand of insanity to me.)
While my father used to beat the hell out of me with a belt, my mother used to watch. I have this snapshot of her - hand in her pocket, her expression one of mild interest. The best word I can find is 'dispassionate'. When it was nearly over she would run a cold bath and add huge amounts of ice. This continued into my teens. When I was fifteen I got into my last ice bath. After that I refused - I thought that if I had to take the beating, I had a right to the bruises, and that they had no right to try and hide it, or 'erase' it.
But this did not diminish my intense love for my mother.
So, what is my point? I'm not really sure. I've not spoken about these things on this forum before, and I think it bothers me that people (I'm talking about people in general, not only on this forum) find it difficult to accept that anyone could have a valid reason for a viewpoint, or a feeling, unless the person justifies the validity for feeling or viewpoint. I don't want to get into 'pissing contests', as someone on this thread so aptly called it, I am trying to explain that my feelings have their own histories, their own logic. And to me, my mother's betrayal - constant, deliberate, cruel - was worse than one act by one individual who did not feature in my landscape of love, trust, loyalty, and so on. He is one little dot on a map of a huge continent colonized by my parents. I am also not trying to justify my feelings. Anyone who thinks my thinking is skewed is welcome to think that. But we can't censor members' experiences, emotions, struggles.
