Sufferer Damaged

[BB1300]

I was diagnosed last night with PTSD. I have never served in the Armed forces at any point in my life. I'm a 35 year old father with very loving wife and 2 children.

4 years ago we found out that our kids were sexually molested by my father in law. We trusted him with our babies and he took advantage of our trust and wounded my kids. I have never spoken about this before to any one due to the shame and and regret that I couldn't protect my children from a evil man.

I have a very loving wife she is just awesome! I never really spoke about how I felt about this to my wife but she did talk to me and she cried a lot. I couldn't show her any weakness when I needed to because I felt I needed to be strong for her.

I have carried this around with me for 4 years and now my wife wants a divorce she tells me I have changed and I'm a cold person. I couldn't take it any more I broke. I have been crying for almost 2 weeks now. I sought the help of a therapist and I'm working through the issues that are now in front of me.

I love my wife so very much everything good in my life that has happened to me has been with her. I couldn't show her any weakness because I'm supposed to be the strong one in the family. she has only seen me cry a hand full of times 2 when my kids where born and 2 or 3 times at funerals. I cant stop now. It has scared her so much that she told me I need to seek help.

A part of me died the day I found out about my children and I think it has forever changed the way I see things . I no longer find joy in what i used to love doing. Its hard not to look at my kids and see my failure to protect them. Its hard to look at my wife and see that she no longer loves me the way she used to. I know I will get through this but I just need to put it down in writing.

I just told my dad about what had happened to my children just the other day. I hadn't told him in fear that he would something to the in-law. I regret not being able to share with my wife what I was feeling and shutting down. I have never thought about getting help. I was raised to be the strong one for the family that they would lean on you for support and help and you had to be there for them when they needed you. I know I'm rambling on but there is just so much in my head that I have not shared with anyone. I have learned how to breath when a panic attack sets in. I have also learned how to some what let go although not all the way yet I'm working on it.

 

[discarded]

Welcome BB1300. What a terrible burden you carry? I think all loving parents like yourself would understand how you feel right now. It is not a weakness though but an overwhelming sense of somehow not being able to protect your children from a person you trusted. You can be there for your family now and they will be there for you if you can just let them. Your wife needs to see your pain and I doubt that she will see it as a weakness. Let her in when you feel you are ready. Don't let what this person did to your children destroy your marriage too.

Keep up the therapy and opening up on here. Maybe you could show your wife what you have written if you are unable to speak the words. You have come to a great place for support and acceptance.

 

[shoulderblades]

I just want to say that, as a survivor of child sexual abuse, I think it is wonderful you have taken this step. Many parents shocked by the revelation of their child being abused don't get help for themselves. It's important for everyone affected to be supported so that they can in turn be supportive.

It sounds like a lot of things are broken in your life right now but you are absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out for help. A parent who can't deal usually also can't help their kids in in times of need, but a parent who takes steps to deal creates a much safer environment for your kids and their emotional wellbeing in the long run if you keep working at it.

Welcome to the forum. Use this place to be your breathing space until your support networks are more in place around you. Keep talking and keep breathing, and things will get easier to process and deal with over time. *offers a warm hug*

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

There is wonderful information and support here. Maybe if she would, your wife could look at the supporters section.

 

[safenow]

Hi BB1300,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. My heart is full of compassion for you, your children, and your wife. My heart breaks for you in particular. This that happened is not your fault. You are carrying the burden that belongs to your father-in-law. Give it back to him.

I'm sorry you were taught that strong men don't cry or need help from time to time. Because the simple truth is, strong men do cry when they need to. And my dear new friend, you do need to cry right now. You need to cry with your wife over what happened. You need to cry with your children so they can see how deeply you care about them.

What you have all been through is horrific. I hope you press charges against that man and don't allow him to get away with it. I know he is your wife's father, but he is a sick man. My father was a pedophile, and I know of what I speak. My Uncle was a pedophile as well. I was never protected from these men and women. Even my aunt was a pedophile. Because of what my sister and I went through, and all my foster brothers and sisters, I feel very strongly about those who abuse children in this way.

There is an important fact you need to think about. There is nothing you could have done to protect your children. Unless you knew that he was that type of man, it is not your fault. I have seen men and women who were molested by their parents send their own children to them because they felt he/she would never hurt them." Sad, isn't it? They learned the hard way, that once a rapist. . .

BB, please, allow your wife to know why you held it all inside. Let her know you are human. Let her know how much you love her and don't want to lose her. She loves you, and I doubt very highly she blames you. In fact, she is probably blaming herself, just as you are blaming yourself.

You are going to find some wonderful, caring, supportive people here. I recommend you check out the wiki pages. Some really good information there that can help you in your healing journey.

I also recommend, as discarded did, that you show your introduction to your wife. Good luck to you.

Nice to meet you, and I hope to see you around the forum.

safenow

 

[BB1300]

Thank you all for the kind words.

I'm a Marine Corp brat, my dad was a highly decorated matser sagrent. He did 4 tours in Vietam and then finished his career out in the states, he retired when I was 12.

I guess that's where I get the tough me don't cry mentality. When I spoke to my dad about what is going on I felt so shamefull because that's not how I was or thought I was rasied. I told him that I never not one time saw him cry or get upset in all my years of him being my hero because he truly is a awesome guy.

He spoke to me about how, when he and my mom had rough times he found it hard to speak as well. He held it in. He suffers from nightmares and is currently being treated for Ptsd him self through medication to curb the nightmares.

For the first time in my life my dad openly cried in front of me. This kind of caught me off guard (I have never seen this before) but at the same time I felt such relief that the most honarable man I know feels the same things I do.

I hope that my wife understands why and how this happened to me. We are high school sweethearts and we have been married for 14 years now together for 17 years yeah, it's a long time but when you don't put a number on it seems just like yesterday.

I started making a list of all things I want to do durning the day maybe it will help me remained focused on the task at hand and go one day at a time. I'm not going to lie this is with out a doubt the hardest thing I have ever delt with in my life. I have had broken bones, cuts, and brusies in my lifetime. But all of this wants to come out all at once and it's hard to stop sometimes the flood gates are open and they are stuck open.

I will show my wife this site so maybe she can understand I have talked her into going to see someone herself just incase I wasn't enough of a shoulder for her to cry on. I'm hoping for a bright future with my wife but right now she is scared of all of the emotion I'm showing at times.

Again thank you all for your kind and supportive words.

bb

 

[WillyKat]

BB, welcome to the forum.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it to you, but everything you are doing right now comes from strength. Being comfortable enough to cry with your loved ones is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Also, its important to realize that you were victimized too. Child molesters are masters at gaining trust. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. They abuse the trust of everyone around them. So in a sense, everyone is a victim.

I'm wondering if it isn't possible that your wife is reacting to the situation in a very unhealthy way. I hate to bring this up, because it sounds like you have enough on your plate, but is it possible that others in the family were abused? Often, these things don't happen one time but are part of a larger pattern.

I wish you all the best. I know things may look bleak right now, but you're doing so many good things.

 

[amethist]

Hi BB1300

Welcome to the forum

I understand how this hurts, as my daughter was abused when she was around 14 years old, I felt the guilt of not protecting her for years.

I am a supporter of my husband now though, and agree with the others about your wife joining us here, she would be made very welcome in the supporters area.

Take care and try not to blame yourself about all of this.

Amethist

 

[BB1300]

I was having a good day today. No real issues to speak of.

Work was going good, I took my lunch break and watching you tube when I got a text from my wife asking me if I had heard a certain song in a while I said no. Like a fool I played it. It really hit home, it was like the song was written for me and my last 4 years. It was a song by crossfade called cold. As I listened I started to cry I couldn't stop no matter what I did I couldn't stop. I sat at my desk crying huddled away in my office.

I'm very new to this and this is all uncharted lands that I'm in. Is this normal for a song to to hit you so hard that it can cripple you? She didn't mean anything by it and said she didn't realize until just after she sent me the text.

 

[WillyKat]

is this normal for a song to to hit you so hard that it can cripple you? she didn't mean anything by it and said she didn't realize until just after she sent me the text.

I've spent a good part of my life crying at certain songs. Yes, I'd say it's common.

 

[dms]

Yes it is normal. Welcome BB.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)