Saffy, I wish I had your drive to push past the negative thoughts and think positive. At the moment however, I hate myself and I don't know how to get past it...my negative voice is too strong.
Hi Lonelyone
I understand that believe me. I am 46 now and felt like you do for years and years sabotaging all my relationships for fear I was not good enough and that I would be discarded like an old bike.
My self loathing just would not let me believe that I could choose when and who I was with and felt I just had to be grateful for what I got. Of course what I got was people who took advantage and could not take my issues and so left anyway.
My lack of confidence told me that I had no right to be in control or to look after my own needs as I thought I was not important enough.
All these things I was telling myself just made me hate myself more and I could only focus on this negativity instead of being aware of what was going on around me.
Learning that it is good to EXPECT to be treated well, to be considered, to be cared for and to be in control of my own body, feelings and emotions has given me guidance.
I had to learn what I liked and did not like, not what someone else told me.
I had to learn to ask for things and say no, rather than hoping for the best.
I had to learn to listen to doubts and instincts and learn to act on my decisions based on them, rather than letting things get out of control then being too scared to say anything.
I had to learn that other people may behave in a way that I do not like sometimes but I am not to blame for their behaviour. I can control their attitude towards me if I set boundaries and expect to be treated well, rather that letting them ride rough shot because I was scared of them leaving. Hang on if they treat me bad I want them to leave, don't I? Don't you? :)
I have really had to focus on my inner dialogue and tell myself that what I am thinking is part of my problem. So to help the problem I have to look realistically about what I am thinking. :)
I read a book called practising the power of now by eckhart tolle and this really helped clear the inner dialogue and get me to listen to a quiet head, no noise, no self abuse, no doubts, no anxiety. Just for those few moment, at first, I realised that at that moment I was ok, I survived. I was free of torment and free of self loathing. At first it only last a short time but you have to build on it and really embrace the inner stillness.
I built up on this so that I could empty my head and replace what I was thinking with more positive thoughts. It took time.'
I had to start looking at myself in a different light. Be honest with myself. What is actually wrong with me? I am not perfect, nobody is, I might have wobbly bits, everyone does, I hate my looks, well everyone has found something about their bodies or faces they hate. Even top models bitch about something they hate about themselves.
Self loathing is such a negative thing to carry around. I still do sometimes but it is getting better.
The one thing I can really tell you is that once you learn to control your own inner dialogue and thoughts it gets a lot easier to focus on what feels good and stay grounded.
Finding someone you trust and that you feel safe with is a huge importance though. Knowing that you have the power to take control and stop and start when you want also makes you feel safer. Knowing you have every right to change your mind at any time makes you feel safer and also sets out the boundaries with your partner. He should respect that. If you doubt he does then you are not ready to be intimate.
I also spent time in learning about how to set boundaries and communicate better through being assertive and not my usual passive aggressive ways.
This might help you a bit :)
[DLMURL]http://www.skillsyouneed.co.uk/IPS/Assertiveness.html[/DLMURL] and [DLMURL]http://www.skillsyouneed.co.uk/IPS/Interpersonal_Communication.html[/DLMURL]
I have found someone now I feel safe with and we take it slow enough to start of with just touching hands.
It is important to know that it is all on your time, FULL STOP. No one can make you ready. When you feel safe you will know. (I never realised how real that statement was until now)
I still have pangs of anxiety in regards to being rejected and abandoned but I am starting to focus less on that and focus more on what is happening in the present moment so that I can stay in control.
It will come to you lonelyone I promise and when it does you will feel safe, free and happy.
Best wishes
Saffy :)
