Trusting People Including Therapist

[surviving_it_all]

I am going through issues. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like I can't even trust my therapist. In the past, he has not done anything to betray my trust. As of lately, I can't trust him. I feel he isn't on my side. I can't trust the people around me. Who can I trust? Its frustrating. How do I even seek treatment from someone I can't trust? What would others do in this situation?

 

[The Albatross]

I have had to remind myself time and time again through this process of healing/recovery that "feelings" are not facts. In the absence of facts, it's most often with me avoidance or a perceptual problem.

I would write down what not trusting anyone would look like.

I would write down conversely, a short risk assessment of what is at stake if I trusted some key people and then write down what trusting these people might look like.

Maybe that will help you. Feelings are not the stop all/end all. I can feel the emotions or hear the emotional thoughts but still take actions that are in accordance with what I aim to achieve.

Trust is like hope... you have to have some of it before you can begin to heal or recover.

 

['91 Girl]

Like Albatross said, I also have to just ignore it. I can't let it decide what I do. I know the people are trustworthy, so I have to choose to trust, even when I don't feel like trusting. It's hard, but doable if you listen to what you are thinking and choose to ignore the distrusting thoughts and feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

Thinking more on this now, during one of my counselings, I was asked if I thought my husband was a "well intentioned or good willed person". I was flummoxed at first. But I realized I had developed a habitual thinking style of skepticism and distrust... totally ignoring when dealing with key people in my life whether or not I believed they had good intent.

Not saying that I was at ease or very comfortable at times. But when distressed now, I try to make eye contact with the person and I ask myself, "Is this a good willed person? Do they have good intentions toward me?" In the absence of fact I tend more now to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It has helped me a lot.

 

[surviving_it_all]

Its not just that people mean well. You can have the BEST intentions but still violate trust. Trust is what holds a relationships together. Take for instance two brother thieves. They have the WORSE intentions to rob, but they must have trust in order to rely on each other. They must believe people have their back. That they can confide in each other. It doesn't matter to me if my therapist means well or if the others around me mean well. They are not trustworthy if they betray my confidentiality. If they act against my wishes, they are not people I can trust. The robbers even with the WORSE intentions TRUST each other.

Sometimes, I feel as if my therapist is not a trust worthy person. I feel like the things I say to him will leave the office. They phone calls I have with him are not private. I don't trust my environment right now. It has nothing to do with intentions for me. Intentions are independent of trust.

 

['91 Girl]

Have you talked with him about that? Maybe he can reassure you that your conversations really are private. And if you assume he does have the best intentions, then he will go to all reasonable lengths to make sure you have confidentiality. And since that is a relatively easy thing to control, you can guess, barring someone hacking into his computer or breaking into his office, that your conversations are confidential.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would bring up my concerns about confidentiality, as it is obvious that you need that. Have the conversation.

 

[surviving_it_all]

I guess that would make sense. I just do not trust so well. My computer actually was hacked in the summer time. I will never forgive the person who did this. It was someone I knew. I think the majority of my trust issues stem from this. My ability to trust was so fragile after my rape. It didn't take much to destroy the little trust I had.

 

[The Albatross]

It takes time and consistency to reestablish trust. It can and does get better, been there/done that and got the merit badge. Honest.

 

[Pencil]

They have the WORSE intentions to rob, but they must have trust in order to rely on each other. They must believe people have their back. That they can confide in each other.

I like the style of your thinking and your argument, but you miss one important point: The two robbers need to believe in the 'good' intentions of each toward the other. So, even if they want to rob others (the intention to do harm) they have to have faith in each other that the other won't betray (The intention to not harm).

People are not just one thing - we are all complex composites of inconsistencies and shitty characteristics and pettiness and meanness, and then of course, the ability to transcend that, to have moments of glory, to mean well, to have compassion, to hold another in high enough esteem so as not to betray.

But, I guess it does start with an intention - I think we can accidentally harm, despite good intentions, but I think the odds are 1 million against 1 to accidentally NOT harm despite intentions to harm.

On that high note, I don't trust a damn soul either ;)

 

[surviving_it_all]

I guess my point was to say that in all relationships two elemental things are important: trust and intentions. We would like to say our friends, family, etc. mean well. We would like to also say that we trust them. If we completely trust someone who means badly, this cannot be a good relationship. If we do not at all trust someone who means well, this cannot be a good relationship either. Trust is independent of intentions. All my boundaries have recently been broken. It is hard now to trust and its a horrible feeling. I just need to move somewhere else.

 

[Pencil]

Trust is independent of intentions.

So it is possible for you to trust someone with bad intentions?