Ohhhh So Horrible, Having To Tell My Therapist About The Trauma

[Hashi]

I'm just looking for some sympathy, a "me too" or a kind word...

I'm preparing to tell my therapist next week more about what happened during the trauma we're working on. I have ways I can tell her, with art, reading from my journal etc. I know she will be understanding, it will help me, I need to do this etc etc. Wow, though. I can't believe how horrible it is telling what happened.

I realise that in a tiny way, this process of telling mirrors some of the trauma feelings. The main one is dread. I can't believe I have to get through this but I must. Then there's the avoidance, denial, blocking it all out. My mind wants to run away and hide. I want to run away, get a train somewhere and never come back. Change my identity. Anything.

Instead I have to go there next week and say more of the horrible, fear-filled, degrading and dehumanising experiences.

I know the other side of telling will be better, but getting there is so, so bad. :cry:

 

[DanFaur]

Dear Hashi,

I can definitely relate. I too felt a sense of total dread when faced with retelling the trauma.

And I agree, the other side of telling is definitely better, but getting there can feel awful.

Fortunately you have a therapist you can count on to be understanding, and that counts for a lot in this process.

I have found a great deal of support here on this forum from the many who have also been down this road, and I hope that you will also find support as you process through the trauma.

Best wishes always,
DanFaur

 

[Tanishq]

Hashi, I am sending you hug. I understand you are taking this step and it will be beneficial for you. You and your therapist will able to find more things, understand and go further in this healing progress.

:hug:

 

[ms spock]

It is really hard going Hashi.

 

[The Albatross]

Hashi, it helps to focus on (as you have in your post) on the reason for the telling. That it is therapeutically beneficial in spite of the discomfort. The anticipation of discomfort can be as leveling as "real" stress or anxiety. Shift to mindfulness in your day to day activities and do some reading on inspirational people or people who have been successful with overcoming adversity? It helps me from time to time to remember that there is such a thing as post traumatic growth.

 

[JustBe]

(((((Hashi))))) :sorry:

 

[Abstract]

Sorry that it is so hard Hashi. :(

 

[madmax]

Just don't ABHOR....I wish I could take my own advise sometimes.....you are strong maybe just not feeling so.

Max

 

[quaintpapercut]

Oh Hashi - I know exactly what your going through . I was just thinking about this yesterday - it's more than hard reliving and speaking about horrible memories. It's debilitating in so many ways.

You are taking active steps to move forward and heal and I think what your doing is incredibly brave and courageous (even though it may not feel that way at the moment). Your working your way through the dark tunnel....try to focus on that little speck of light at the end. It may be hard to see but it is there.

Sending you support and understanding .

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all so much! Your support is just what I needed.

It's difficult that I always have to do some processing beforehand, and often have to spend some time on art or writing. That was what I was doing this morning and... really ugh. But apart from that yes, it's a good idea to focus on mindfulness and for once I'm glad I have a lot to do.

Thanks for the hugs too.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Hashi)) I went to my present therapist for about 4 YEARS before I could utter the words about my csa. It's hard to get the words out, but it's kinda of like when you are nauseated and sometimes it just feels better to 'puke' it up. Sorry for the icky analogy! You'll feel better getting that 'poison' out of your head. It's very relieving once you spit it out!

Best of luck, and I hope you feel more freedom from your past after you've done it!
AKJ

 

[rightkindofme]

I can't say, "Me too" because I seem to have diarrhea of the mouth but that sounds very difficult. I think I spend my whole life trying to get the words together properly for talking about my trauma. This is why I blog so much. :) I have a lot of words in my brain. If I can get them out I feel less crazy. If I can have other people understand in detail what happened to me I will feel like it is more true and more real. I am not the only person who believes it happened to me.

I get backlash but I've built real support too. I'm really out about being an incest/rape survivor. It feels really important to me.

I feel ashamed of myself for wanting to talk about it as much as I do. I feel like I am just a cheap "exhibitionist". But being out has caused a lot of women to come to me and tell me their stories. I'm the first person they've ever told. It feels worth the personal feelings of shame to become "safe" to these women.

It's weird.

So I say this: I'm glad you are finding the words to let you exist as a main character in the eyes of someone else. You really and truly have happened. It is scary to admit all of the things that shape you--but main characters have great and terrible things happen to them. You are the main character of your life. You should get to be seen in all of your extremities.

That's what I believe. It is more or less my religion. You don't have to agree with it. :) I hope it uhm sounds as friendly as I mean it.

I hope I am at least non-obnoxious. Ha.