Is What I Went Through Really Traumatic, Or Is It Just Me Being Overly-sensitive?

[piratelady]

Do I have PTSD? I think so. I have ALL of the symptoms, and they have persisted for almost 3 years. Nowadays, we don't need doctors to tell us what we have, or what we don't have. Any idiot with and internet connection and google can read about a disorder, and know themselves well enough to determine what symptoms they have, how long they've had them, and how much they interfere with their daily functioning.

Here is a link to some information about self-diagnosis. It explains why one cannot and should not attempt to diagnose themselves.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882/[/DLMURL]

 

[Hashi]

I agree with Albatross and rightkindofme. You're stuck on the idea of being helpless unless you have your parent's financial support. Support now = OK later. No support now = nothing else you can do, now or in the future. Those two things are not facts. Especially not the first one. However, the second one is very likely if you continue to put all your thinking and energies towards it and not towards alternatives.

Any idiot with and internet connection and google can read about a disorder, and know themselves well enough to determine what symptoms they have, how long they've had them, and how much they interfere with their daily functioning.

Yes, any idiot can do this, but a wise person wouldn't use the internet to self-diagnose.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and worked in an ER & on an ambulance for several years. Addiction is a terminal disease. If you do not begin to take responsibility for your own survival, you will end up insane, in jail, or dead. The only question is how much damage you'll do to yourself and others around you before that happens.

Regarding your parents cutting you off, financially or otherwise, it is perfectly ok for adult parents to refuse to enable a child's addiction. They can and should not allow you to manipulate them into giving you money you will end up using to feed your addiction.

To save an addict's life, they need to lose the enabling safety net. They need to have to try to function as an adult in the adult world. As long as others are paying for you to be able to continue being dependent, you are socially and emotionally far behind your peers, and will keep being left behind. You are not learning the essential life skills you'll need to live a healthy, successful life.

In fact, it is recommended to family members to make addicts support themselves and clean up their own messes. Rather than giving them money which will not be used to clean up their life but to use even more, families are educated to not allow the addict in their family use them as a tool of their own self-destruction.

We have a saying in Al-anon...giving an alcoholic/addict money to 'get out of the hole' they've dug isn't used properly; instead, they use that money to leverage even more debt and dig themselves in deeper.

My stepmom worked two jobs to support my dad and my step-brother. Since neither of them had to work, they were able to have a lot of free time to use as they wished. My stepmom thought she was 'helping' them. My step-brother overdosed on nitrous her money was used to purchase for him, and he died. My dad used up all her retirement savings and her home equity, and he died leaving her with many bills to pay off.

She would have been much better off saving herself.

I'm certain the 12 Step groups wouldn't work for you as you are in such denial that step one - admitting you have a problem - is completely out of your reach. I've been to literally thousands of meetings, and have watched far too many of my using friends, family, and peers die or end up in prison.

As far as whether or not you have PTSD, or some other issue such as an anxiety disorder, there is NOBODY who can answer that. You don't know whether or not your really have the symptoms until you can be straight, sober, and allow the symptoms to not be self-medicated away. You are not able to assess your symptoms reliably as your judgment and perception is greatly altered by your addiction.

It would be unethical of any professional to diagnose you before you have been clean and sober long enough for the real 'you' to show yourself in multiple states of emotion over time in a controlled environment. You can keep lying to yourself and spending time trying to get a diagnosis that cannot possibly yet be given to you, or you can choose to go with what works.

Your using is masking the true picture which you are unable to see.

I'd be surprised if you found any mental health professional who would be willing to proceed with any real treatment other than stabilization while your addiction is active. No treatment will succeed while you are in such denial and still using your substances of choice.

If you truly want answers, finding them is simple but not easy. Stop using, start doing what your therapist tells you, and see where it leads. Until you're willing to do that, you're on a downhill slide towards real pain and personal tragedy, for you and your family.

Please save yourself. You do not have to continue destroying yourself. You have several who are willing to help you.

Please let them.

 

[JohnJacobson]

Thank you all for your time. I don't think this forum is a good fit for me. It's hard to express my issues through writing, and i need to be face to face, with people who I actually know. It doesn't make sense to reach out to such a broad spectrum of complete strangers.

I respectfully disagree with you, Piratelady.


If you know you have something before you look up the symptoms, then your self-diagnosis is legit. If you are completely honest with yourself, and you have a firm grasp of what your diagnosing, then your call is legit! Even when you see the doctor, the doctor can only base his or her info on whatever YOU'RE telling them. So, by default, all diagnoses are primarily self diagnoses. Especially if you're dealing with a psychiatrist, which is what you need to get a PTSD diagnosis in the first place. When you know you have ptsd, you know you have it. you know something's changed in your body, in your mind, deep in your soul. You don't, and you shouldn't need someone else to tell you that.

Here is how it works:

YOU go to the psychiatrist, if you're really lucky, and can actually get one ---> you tell the psychiatrist your story over a few weeks or months, depending how often you're able to see them---> the psychiatrist diagnoses you.

Therefore you, in turn, diagnose yourself. There is no other way around it. Replace psychiatrist with any type of therapist, counsellor, doctor, whatever. There is no other way around this!

But we live in a society where degrees and pieces of paper are god, so I guess, I'll just wait a few weeks, or months, and engage in your discussions, when I have my legit diagnosis. I respect the condition of diagnosis, simply because it filters out a lot of idiots or dramatic people who don;t have ptsd, but are looking for attention or sympathy or whatever. So, I see where you guys are coming from. I do find what I read here very interesting, and people here are extremely insightful, and it's fun to challenge different viewpoints.

 

[Rumors]

Jj,
The forum is not a good fit? It isn't a good fit because people aren't saying what you want to hear.

"Degrees and pieces of paper are God." Really? You want to degrade years of school, training, and hard work to which you haven't done because they won't give you a PTSD diagnosis or write you a script for medical marijuana? Do you understand this is your illness speaking?

You can continue to protest that you can't properly share your point in writing but in fact you are simply making excuses which tells me you are nowhere in your recovery. If you were looking for validation for drug use, I can't give it to you. I have seen first hand the devastation that follows and I can only pray that you come to terms with your disease until it is too late. I will keep your parents in my thoughts because they are doing all they know how to do for you and, even though you are manipulating and lying to them now by using, choose to see the best in their son and BELIEVE that he is clean and sober. They will be devastated when they find out and they will find out.

Please consider coming back and giving an update on your status. Don't mistake my "inability to blow smoke up your ass and tell you that it is ok" for not caring. I care a lot and it devastates me that you are sick enough that you can't see how incredibly scary your disease is. If 12 step didn't work, find a 13 step but get some help, quit blaming your parents, become an adult, and stop taking money from your parents because you are lying about its use.

Best wishes.

 

[JohnJacobson]

Nowhere in my posts does it say that I'm asking you to coddle me, or tell me that everything is ok. I'm trying to reach out for help on the internet and deal with my problem, because the years of therapists, psychiatrists, counsellors, the neurophsychologist, medication after medication after medication didn't work. It's just one of those round hole in a square peg situation. No big deal.

If anything, I appreciate your feedback. I made sure to say that in all of my messages. I'm trying to be as respectful as I can here, and I'm not mad or unhappy with any posts. This place is not a good fit for me, because of my own inability to express myself through typing. I thought I explained that in my posts, but I can see that I didn't.

 

[p-no]

I also have ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Aspergers Syndrome, all of which are officially diagnosed, and significantly affect my day-today life.

From what I understand from your posts I take it you have done a lot of research on all your diagnoses, generally. In that case, you will know that many of the PTSD symptoms are also symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome (AS). There are many people with AS out there who have not been diagnosed with AS but with other disorders, like PTSD, schizophrenia, etc., simply because "from the outside", from looking at a patient, a symptom is the same for both disorders. However, if in doubt, AS can only be diagnosed with a thorough knowledge of the patient concerned, their way of living, their family situation (AS is highly hereditary), etc. It has been common lately in the US that mental health experts/professionals actually ask the wives and children of those who are suspected to have AS to be interviewed in the process of diagnosis, which is because in order to distinguish between AS and PTSD, one has to look "behind the curtains" (figuratively) of the symptoms, thus look at the cause.

The reason I am saying this is that while reading the posts in this thread I was wondering why you had seen several (not just one) experts in the mental health field and them not having diagnosed you with PTSD. I thought that maybe you had AS and thought you had PTSD because of the superficial similarities between the two disorders. Since I have now read that you do indeed have AS, I think there is a chance that you may well find several symptoms of those listed for PTSD, yet they might not be PTSD, but AS-related. Note the "might" and "may"; you are correct, I don't know you and so I will not be able to tell. However, you having seen obviously more than one expert in the mental health field makes me wonder if you indeed do not have PTSD, but have taken the symptoms of AS for PTSD. If you had seen only one professional who said he or she would not diagnose you with PTSD, I would be careful because not all professionals are that professional, unfortunately.

I personally can not see PTSD-type trauma in what you have experienced and shared in your posts here.

Best wishes.

 

[Pietro]

Just saw this thread. I'm gonna take a shot here.

I see a pretty clear indication that you (JJ) grew-up in a shame-based household. Your parents had a strict image of what you should be as their child, and when you veered from that image, you were shamed for it. There may never have been any violence, but, if this is true, it's certainly a form of emotional abuse. Shame is the root of a lot of types of disorders.

So, emotionally demoralized and diminished, you increasingly turned to things that would help ease that pain, a typical response of many. Addictions are often borne from this need. For some, they are the one thing that keeps some people from suicide, because it gives them a way to manage their pain. In your case, I don't know if marijuana was really a gateway drug -- I think you would have gotten addicted to anything that killed the pain. Going to stronger drugs was an obvious choice, as they worked better, as you learned about them.

OK, so, fine, let's say you have PTSD, ADHD, and any number of other diagnoses and acronyms assigned to you. First, as one poster mentioned previously, self-diagnosis without professional corroboration is foolish -- in the same way that doing surgery on yourself, or being your own lawyer is foolish. You can't be 100% objective.

Regardless of this, the diagnoses matter less than what you are feeling, than what's eating at you. The drugs will kill the pain for a time, but they tend to kill all real emotion. It will be very hard to have authentic experiences of love, compassion, empathy, etc. as well. And, no matter how hard you try and stuff the pain down, it will eventually come-back to haunt you, time and time again, by short-circuiting your life's pursuits.

And, most obviously, such strong drugs will damage your brain, making true recovery even more difficult over time, and potentially lead to early physical disablement, mental impairment, and death.

No judgement here -- it's a simple choice of two worlds. If you remain on the drugs, you are choosing a shortened and diminished life, but one where your inner pain is controlled and where you won't have to consciously deal with it. But you will have to get used to a life similar to what you've had since your parents made you leave home. Your emotional trauma will do nothing but sabotage every attempt you make at trying to normalize your life -- including reinforcing your addictions and perpetuating an increasingly destructive cycle.

If you decide to deal with the emotional trauma that is causing all of this self-destructive behavior, you will suffer for a time. You will have to encounter the shame and feel -- really feel -- all of the pain. You'll have to work hard at it. You'll have to quit all of the drugs and recover from all of the addictions, over time, in order to be clear-enough to do this work. Why do this? So that you can be yourself, instead of living a lie or living in a fog to escape. So that, someday, you can look your father in the eye and tell him, without fear or shame, that you thought that at least some of what he did and said was wrong. And so on.

You have to make a choice. You may make one choice today and change your mind at some later point. You have to be ready to do recovery. And, you have to be ready and willing to take responsibility for the state of your life and yourself. No matter what was done to you, no matter how badly you feel, and no matter how many mistakes you make or things you screw-up, you need to be able to say, "Yes, I'm responsible for that" -- and learn to do it without destroying yourself as a person.

OK, long enough. My two cents. ;) Hope this made sense.

 

[Pietro]

I'm trying to reach out for help on the internet and deal with my problem, because the years of therapists, psychiatrists, counsellors, the neurophsychologist, medication after medication after medication didn't work.

This is not surprising. As you might read in many places on this forum, many of us have had trouble finding therapists competent to handle issues such as these. Medications will only do so much; and they don't cure anything. Psychiatrists love their medications, but few study or practice "psychology" any longer. Many of these professionals are too academic. And many are either not experiences enough or not appropriately trained to deal with issue of trauma, especially emotional trauma.

Don't give-up on getting help yet, though. You just need to find a different circle of professionals, and ones who understand your needs.

 

[BloomInWinter]

You are expressing yourself very well. You clearly have the point of view and bizarre delusions typical of many addicts deep in denial. I know because I used to be where you are now.

Living off your parents so you can continue in your addiction traumatizes them and any in their lives. You're not the only victim in your situation. Addiction is a family disease. Your parents are taking appropriate corrective action to limit your negative effects on their lives while allowing you to feel the pain of your own decisions while that pain isn't yet from an irreversible tragedy.

You seem to take no apparent responsibility for your own recovery. That would make it feel uncomfortable here on the forum, because so many on here are working so hard to get better. Many who have responded to you have far less outside support than you have.

If you truly wish to leave, I hope you'll eventually find the courage to face yourself. Hopefully, eventually you'll find a way to convert the time you are using in furthering your addictions into taking responsibility for all aspects of your life. Then, you will find deep restorative healing.

In 12 Step programs, when people just come to get a signature but never actually do any of the work, then leave, we say 'your misery is gladly refunded.' Those who come in and make it have already paid enough dues. Some day, you'll decide the cost of your addictions are too high. With luck, hopefully it'll be before jail, or liver disease, or insanity.

May you find your answers. Good luck and stay safe.

 

[Hashi]

If the 12 steps are really not for you, there are other approaches. I did Smart Recovery and I also use Dialectical Behaviour Therapy skills.

I also didn't find psychiatry helpful, didn't find prescribed medication helpful and didn't find talk therapy helpful until I got the right kind for me. I know there can be things along the way that don't help, or can even make things worse. Please don't give up because of that, but instead keep looking for something that will work. I know it's a hard journey, very hard. But it's better to keep walking than to fall by the wayside.

I wish you well.

 

[Hashi]

Even when you see the doctor, the doctor can only base his or her info on whatever YOU'RE telling them

They are also basing their diagnosis on things like what you don't tell them, your body language, whether what you say is consistent or confused, other influences such as life situation, medication, self-medication and other conditions, their years of training in how to assess patients, their deeper understanding from clinical experience, and their knowledge of the different ways in which symptoms manifest and how they can relate to other disorders.