Male Or Female Therapist?

[raven123]

I found out the local rape crisis will see males with sex abuse in their past, but the counselor is male. I made an excuse to call back later. I just can't sit in a room alone with a male. I get panic attacks. Even before those started happening, I couldn't open up to a male after a really bad experience with one years ago. It didn't help that he told me I was hopeless on top of it. I was raped by a male and female 40 years. I'm sure that has something to do with it, too. It pisses me off because I have no one to talk to here locally and could have benefited since I'm reliving my rape nightly.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Up until today I thought you were female. So I think that one of my past replies doesn't make as much sense!

Anyway, I'm the opposite. It's hard to find male therapists who deal with abuse issues, and I don't really like female therapists.

Did they specifically say that only the male therapist would see you? I know that therapists have their own personal boundaries and such, but I think this taboo surrounding sex abuse needs to be dropped. The only reason for the males see males and females see females thing is the ASSUMPTION that this is what is best for the client. It feeds into the even bigger taboo of same sex sexual abuse. Ugh. It would be nice if things changed.

 

[rightkindofme]

Is it possible to talk to a supervisor and say frankly, "I'm sorry--I was raped by a man and I don't feel comfortable. Is there any chance there is a woman on your staff who would be willing to work with me. Please ask around. I truly cannot work with a man at this point."

They may have their protocols but when you specifically ask for exceptions I find that things sometimes happen.

I go through life operating with the shot gun approach. I have needs. I can't count on anyone to meet them. Sometimes I need help anyway. If I ask a whole bunch of people with very little investment on my part then it's ok that almost everyone tells me no. Someone will say yes. I cobble things together.

It requires becoming numb to a lot of being told no. I had to learn that saying 'no' wasn't really about me. They were reacting to things I couldn't see. It truly isn't personal. When I became ok with that it got easier to just ask lots of people over and over. I don't ask the same things.

I have a wide but not deep social network. It lets me casually invest in people without getting too deep into things. I don't expect reciprocal relationships. I understand that some relationships I wil give and some I will take and I make time for the kinds of relationships and people I have time/energy for and I'm ok the fact that there is ebb and flow.

If you need something you have to ask and ask and ask. I know it's hard. I really do. It's a really useful survival mechanism.

Good luck.

 

[raven123]

Scared,

"Did they specifically say that only the male therapist would see you? "

Yep, that's all they have is the one counselor. I found that men rarely ever contact them to begin with. Probably because their promotional efforts are all geared toward women victims, which is par for the course. They have a support group, but that's women only, which is totally understandable. They are really nice there, which is way more than I can say for RAINN.

Rightkindofme,

Honestly, I'm used to being told, no. I'm going stop by their offices and see if they have any materials on it. That would probably be better anyway.

 

[raven123]

I went by there this afternoon. No information to take really. A lady did an intake. She triggered the crap out of my spiritual abuse issues, which she totally discounted and refused to let me explain it. Forgiveness issues, not anger and rage!, seem to be my whole problem including the congestive heart failure. Oh, gee... No, truthfully, babe, (she wouldn't let me get a word in edge-wise it seemed so she could push the religion), I'm just heart-broken I've never had a life and I don't see that changing. I've also done the forgiveness thing and it didn't help all that much to be honest. I really just wanted to scream at her---I AIN'T HERE TO HEAR THE RELIGIOUS SHIT FOR THE 300,000TH TIME! SAVE IT FOR SOMEONE WHO GIVES A f*ck! Sorry. It took my two Tramadol, a candy bar to calm down and I felt like telling God were to go and near road rage (woman nearly hit me swerving in and out of traffic so I flipped her the bird--and so did two others..lol) to recover from her religious spiel. God gets the spiritual abuse. Why the hell can't people like her? JESUS! Strike one.

She couldn't set an appointment with their counselor but he'd would call me later. He was there but couldn't see me to set an appointment. He never called. I figured I'd go to one just to see if it was worth pursuing. Since he didn't call and I waited around by the phone for him to call till about 7 tonight, this is probably going to be a total f*cking waste of my time and is probably just a thinly-veiled join our church counseling thing. Honestly, I should've just not went, like I wanted to, and chalked up another, no. Anyway, strike two.

Since finding books on recovery for male survivors is a total joke, I just looked up "recovering from rape" at the library. It is rape so let's just go to the source. They had one book. The rape recovering handbook by Aphrodite Matsakis, ph.d. It has detail and not just "see a shrink". It has lots of things to do and doesn't discount your anger, or anything else.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoa, what happened with RAINN?!? ;Rape, abuse and Incest National Network for anyone who doesn't know.)

I won't pretend to know what it's like to be a male who was sexually abused; because I don't.

What I do know is that help is primarily geared toward females who have been sexually abused by males. There is an additional struggle for anyone who falls outside this "model".

 

[Rumors]

http://www.aftersilence.org/male-survivors.php

A website for male victims of sexual abuse. It also has contact information. That was the first one I came to when I googled it so there are perhaps more I am not sure. There are also several male oriented sexual abuse books listed towards the bottom.

Speaking Our Truth: Voices Of Courage and Healing For Males Survivors Of Sexual Abuse

Looks to be a good book.

 

[Rumors]

Link Removed

Here is another online forum for male survivors with information.

 

[raven123]

RAINN (Rape, abuse and Incest National Network) just gave me links to their website, which I had read (pretty basic stuff), and didn't want to chat. I'd ask a question and they'd give me a link. I think all their response are "canned" (copy and paste from some script). Some of the links, of which, had nothing really to do with my question. Basically, robotic. I just wanted to talk and was very upset. So, I ended the chat. And, I selected chat a 2nd time, but this time used my name as an alter, which is female. Totally different conversation the second time. I still got the same links, but it was far more human and not robotic.

 

[raven123]

Rumors,

The only male survivor book that is really good is Victims No Longer by Mike Lew. It just lacks the how-to and says, see a shrink, which I am sick of seeing. The rest are mostly ripoffs of his work, or "stories" from other guys. Why someone wants to read the nitty gritty rape details of a bunch of other guys is beyond me. I don't cause it's triggering.

I looked at Joining Forces, a book MaleSurvivor pushes. The "expert" claims to get over sex abuse you need to go tell everyone. What a crock of sh....! Cost me two careers. Keep your trap shut except with a shrink is my advice to any guy. It features a foreward by Tyler Perry. Perry can go on Oprah cause he's Tyler Perry. He also can spend $1,000 an hour (he had the best shrinks by the way) on therapy several times a week. A lot of male survivors have tired of the "celebrity" survivor because, let's face it, they ain't the average male. And, apparently, everyone is agreeing with me the book sucks cause nobody is buying it. The Amazon reviews are fakes by the writer's buddies to pump sales. It hasn't worked.

The books geared towards women are best. They talk about the how-to way more, and they talk about the ups and downs of recovery way more. Resurrection After Rape is good. Free ebook, just Google it. I wish that person was my shrink. It explains the why better than most I've read including Mike Lew's Victims No Longer. That would include the reasons some rape victims have lots of promiscuity, which you rarely see discussed anywhere.

Pandy's has tons of good articles including PTSD. The male forum section is sparse cause not many men go on there and the ones that do are hung up on religion. Questions languish on the men's forum for days so I quit posting.

 

[raven123]

Scared,

No call from this counselor today so far at the local rape crisis place for the so-called appointment they offered. I hate to be a recent victim trying to navigate this bunch. I think it's just one of those religious indoctrination deals anyway, so if they call, I'm gonna ask if that's what it is and I'm just gonna pass if it is. The one yesterday triggered me (the spiritual abuse of mine) way too much anyway. She didn't want to listen to me either. Ah, well, another waste of my time.

It is frustrating. smh

 

[raven123]

They are closed now and never did call me today. Hmmm... so much for this place. I'll go by there tomorrow after a late morning thing I have to do and tell them not to bother wasting my time again.