Supporter Most People Have Told Me To "run"!

[anthony]

That is exactly what has been happening...

Quite honestly, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've done it and seen the aftermath I've left, let alone being the person it's happening to.

The worst part of it all, is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I've got mates who are still as destructive today as they where when first diagnosed. Some are dead...

 

[Tinyflame]

Exactly. And between lack of knowledge and denial to overcome, and the sheer fear and effort (it feels like) to deal with it in a new way, I think you have to be really committed (I mean as the person with ptsd).

I left relationships totally hanging, and with more desire to leave than regret. They knew I was leaving before I did, I told myself it was temporary (it wasn't).

 

[Abstract]

I agree a lot with what Anthony and others have said on here.

they are unwilling to accept any responsibility for their actions

In my mind this is what probably makes a relationship with someone the most troublesome or not viable. Whilst someone is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own "stuff" a "relationship" is a minefield and is likely to leave you constantly feeling troubled.

 

[Needing Guidance]

If I could 'like' Anthony's post #20 one hundred times I would. The only difference (from just my personal experience) that I would add is, "feeling" safe usually counters somewhat the default to mistrust or fear.

Sounds like her exhaustion with work contributed alot to the stress. But running is easier, and truly driven as Anthony said by stress reduction, not personal. It has taken me decades to work on that. I think it must be up to her to stop. I'm sorry that's not more hopeful, I'm not sure I could have earlier, but it also depends on your relationship. It is also a terrible feeling for her too, probably, and the extent and severity of her symptoms I would guess likely worse than she may let on to you.

The last few weeks was terrible for her, I know that. It was like she was have an internal battle with a demon. Sometimes the look in her eye's was like she was trying to say "help me". But yet she couldn't talk to me for some reason. We were 100% honest and open with each other about everything, until the symptoms reared their ugly head. Then she became paranoid and suspicious about everything.

 

[Needing Guidance]

I agree a lot with what Anthony and others have said on here.


In my mind this is what probably makes a relationship with someone the most troublesome or not viable. Whilst someone is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own "stuff" a "relationship" is a minefield and is likely to leave you constantly feeling troubled.

In reality, you are probably correct about that. It kind of sucks though! When you thought you had finally found the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with, were both so happy for so long, then that "what the heck just happened" comes aournd.

 

[amethist]

Then she became paranoid and suspicious about everything.

This rang a bell with me as this happened to my husband a few weeks ago.

We have been through hell and high water together with PTSD, and managed to come through it all still together. But a few weeks back he had a melt down.

He could not trust me not to let anyone in and take him away, not that he needed admitting anywhere, he was just so out of it he was paranoid about it. I had to lock the door and give him the keys, just to prove to him this would not happen.

Then a police car pulled up outside and he lost it. They were going next door, but he was not to know that at the time and just broke down, accusing me of calling them.

He eventually came down from it, and recognised me as his wife and safe person, but it took time. I just sat quiet and listened to him rambling on.

All you can do at these times is stay calm and let them get through it on their own time, just being there can be too much for them.

Its hard so see them suffering like this, but be assured you are not alone.

Amethist

 

[I Can Do This]

to her latest e-mail saying we "couldn't possibly be friends anymore due to what I've said and done to her".

Great advise by nursenurse above.

I would also add - if you are interested - is that when we are triggered, we don't hear what YOU said necessarily - we hear how it reminded us of the past and how hurt we were. Your tone could have been the trigger, or it could have been the emotions she feels inside that are similar to a painful event from the past. Regardless, my point is that your words are so unlikely to be the true cause of her current pain because her current pain is rooted in the past.

I guess this is a coincidence because I was triggered by something an employer said - and I immediately went to feeling small and ashamed, like I was being ridiculed - a pattern from my past. They didn't say anything mean or bad or inappropriate - but if I don't take responsibility for the emotions I feel and recognize where they come from. then I am just projecting my hurt outward and blaming others for my hurt when they truly said nothing hurtful. It is just my perception and knee jerk behavior. Does that make sense to you?

So your former girlfriend is saying you are responsible for her pain because she hasn't done the work on herself to gain any insight to her problems. Her pain was already there - you didn't place it there. This level of rationality is what your life would be like if she never got help. See - running was good advice! lol

 

[Needing Guidance]

Thank You Once Again!

I only "wish" you could let her know all this information and that she may start working on herself. It might give me hope that we could remain friends and that I'll always be here for her in anyway I can.

Who knows, maybe someday she'll actually join this site and start listening to others that have experienced the same things that she is going through.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Dear NeedingGuidance

Hell hath no fury like a woman with PTSD who is acting out. Trying to help her right now is like trying to put out a chemical factory fire with a garden hose. She is lucky to have a life available with a loving, caring, mature guy like you and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.

She obviously has sound family support (which is something a lot of us on this forum don't have) and is not exactly out on the street with a black eye and a bottle of Smirnoff. So given the hurt, fear and turmoil all this has wrought on you I would like to suggest you look after yourself as #1 for the immediate future and consider where you need to go from here.

Very wise to seek help and advice for yourself - although as we all know everyone is an expert when it's not their life. Whether the outcome in relation to your relationship with her, you have commenced your own personal journey and it is a highway that can get very rough - I don't envy you and can only wish you the best.

That's why M Scott Peck called it The Road Less Travelled. It is so much easier to walk away.
And after it's all said and done, sometimes that's the wisest thing to do.

 

[Needing Guidance]

I have some long time friends who are doing their best to keep an eye on me and to help me move on. They know it's difficult for me, seeing I've "always been too nice to people", according to almost everyone I know anyway.

Thanks for the push in what will be "the right direction", I'm sure. I guess only time will tell, huh?

 

[HighwayToHell]

I am glad you have good friends and even more relieved to hear you have made your decision to 'move on'. Time may well tell but you can only do what you feel is best now for you.. Everyone on here probably has a Degree in hindsight and I personally have a PhD in stupid mistakes. But I still look back even on so-called 'bad' or 'wrong' decisions and feel briefly regretful, but know I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time.

Whatever happens, no one can ever accuse you of being afraid to make the hard decisions.

 

[Needing Guidance]

Well, I know I may be disappointing some of you tonight as I wright this. But, have you ever had such a strong feeling that was laid upon your heart, that there was no second guessing it? I've always had God in my life, sometimes at a more continuous rate than others, but he has always been there for me and provided for me. That being said, I have a question for the masses.

Have you ever gave up on your Best Friend, your Confidant and your Lover? Not to mention I can say with utmost certainty, this girl is my Soulmate. I don't just say that because of recent issues. I've known that for a long time. I made a mistake 13 years ago and let her slip through my fingers due to work and worrying about making money. I have learned since than, I don't want that to happen again. So those of you who may have been lucky enough to find that One Person, your Soulmate, your Other Half, did you "give up on them"? Did you turn away and not look back? If so, did you just learn to cope, or did you ever find someone that even came close to comparing to them??

So, I will do my best to be patient, give her the space she needs and not give up on her. Even if her issues pop up now and then, I believe I have the ability to deal with the situation, especially with the added knowledge that I now have about PTSD. And if she'll get some professional help, I'd be thrilled. I'd rather be so freakin happy 80% of the time, than not to have her in my life 100% of the time. No question about that.

So here we go. Another rough journey of waiting, hoping and praying. Oh, my home internet is down for some reason, so don't expect me to reply until I get back to town to check it. I'll be busy with landscaping projects to keep me busy busy busy.

Hope everyone stays Happy, Happy, Happy! :)