Advice From Sufferers Needed.

[Sarah_1990]

So my sufferer has completely pushed me away. He said he is never coming back. He said he does not know what pushed him away, and when I asked him if he was triggered by something, he said "I don't know. I do not want to talk about it."

I am still fighting for him. And I will continue to fight. But in your experiences with your significant other, how often should I text him now? I want to give him space, but I do not want to just not talk to him for a long period of time.

I KNOW everyone is different and that this is only advice. And I KNOW I need to take care of myself too, but I would just like advice from people who have experienced these things or have done this to the person they love.

 

[p-no]

Sarah, you're going in circles. How can you expect a person (and one with PTSD) to trust you with his boundaries when you don't respect them?

You are asking for advice from people who have experienced these things. Well, I have. When it had come this far, I stopped, finally, and let the emotions his actions caused in me hit me. When I opened up to my own emotions and let them in, I felt them and I broke down. But it was the way out of the circling that was neither good for me nor for the man I felt love for.

 

[Away From The Sun]

The more you push, the more likely he's not going to want you back. Everyone has a breaking point (especially true with PTSD) and once you hit that, he probably will not want you back in his life. There is a difference between fighting for someone and pushing their boundaries.

This situation seems much more about you than him or his PTSD right now.

To be honest, I would feel "smothered" if I needed some time to think and someone kept trying to "assume" and tried to talk about the problems.

Give him some space and time. Stop texting him for awhile esp. about problems.

 

[lovenbliss]

I have been in your place. I guess one of the reasons she left me is I was too needy. And I think you are doing the same. The reason I was so needy and so attached to her is that she was the only pillar holding my life and it would be so difficult to find another nice girl because of my own anxieties. I think happy people don't get so needy. So, you might have issues yourself. Don't think about fighting. There is nothing to fight here. The only way to remain sane is to do what sane people usually do. Be selfish, eat good food, watch movies and earn more money.

And yes, I have spent years calculating how many text messages a day or a month or in a year should be OK. I wish I could give you an exact number. First I used to sms/call her once in 3 months. When she didn't like it, I switched to once in 6 months. She didn't like it again and suggested me to call her after 10 years. I couldn't wait for 10 years and I called her after 2 years but unfortunately her number was changed.

 

[Anna]

Don't contact him again until he contacts you.

 

[amethist]

Seems like he is asking you to let him go Sarah, and hard as this may be for you, its something you will have to do.

Take some time now to heal yourself, hold your head up, Dust yourself of and start again.

Its tough, but any relationship can end like this, even without PTSD in the mix.

Take care of yourself and move forward, without looking back at what might have been.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Sarah,
You sound a lot like me. You are not trying to smother or push him, you just want to help him. You are to the point that you would do anything for everything to be "normal" again. I understand and feel your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. Some of the above comments seem harsh, they see you as pushing him, but I see it as you love him so much you want to help. But unfortunately at this point you probably need to give him space. I know it has to be hard. My husband is the same way. When a conflict arises I want to fix it right away, otherwise i am uneasy. But with him he wants to run from it.... My best advice would be let him come back around. Maybe he needs to see how much you mean to him and he cant do that if you are still doing everything to take care of him. Does that make sense? I am trying to be uplifting, yet communicate in a healthy way that it is important you take care of you. For the longest time I was so worried about taking care of him that I lost track of who i was. That started to change our relationship more because I was angry all the time. I was angry because I had to do EVERYTHING. And I was no longer the happy go lucky person he fell in love with.

 

[dms]

Hi Wishfulthinking and Sarah, I know the comments might seem cold, but believe me, its tough love, from folks who have been there done that. We are not judging you, trust me. I was you just a few months ago. We just know how much damage this PTSD pushing away can cause to your emotional being. I'm praying for you.

 

[Away From The Sun]

You are not trying to smother or push him, you just want to help him.

I did not mean to come off too harsh but sometimes when people try to help me too much or fix my problems, I feel "smothered" or "trapped" no matter how good the intentions are. I feel obligated to try to fix my problems in the way they want me to as opposed to processing it in my own way and time (it feel selfish to me). This makes me resent the person which makes the situation worse.

PTSD is his own issue that affects others but if one feels the need to be the "rescuer" and do everything, that's the supporter's issue (not his).

If the boyfriend keeps saying, "I don't want to talk about it.", one shouldn't bring it up until the person is ready (much of this also relates to non-PTSD relationships... PTSD can't be used as an excuse for everything).

 

[The Albatross]

I am a sufferer, and when I say I don't know or I don't want to talk I mean it. My man gives me space til I can get a handle on things and I rejoin him. But, that being said, I have been partnered with my husband for 23 years, and we've "been together" 4 1/2 years before that. He gives me space when I need it, he gives me calm and I in return give him what I have to offer, though sometimes I wonder if it's good enough.

My husband knew what he was getting into (short of the actual PTSD diagnosis which came many years later). I did actively push him away... I had enough regard for him to wish him a more normal partnership. But he was tenacious, and in his absence (we broke up when I kept refusing his offers of marriage, he told me "if you won't be my wife I have to stop seeing you" and I said "fine by me") I realized I did love this man and was really afraid. So afraid I waited another 3 years before I got married.

A partner of a PTSD is not for the faint of heart, and as I read your posts, I wonder about your maturity. My husband was more mature than his years. But when I am cycling, I have some pretty intense feelings like I'm damaging him for the rest of his life. I am sometime fraught with doubts, wondering what his life would have been like if I had left him alone to find a more suitable partner.

He will never say this. He has been resolutely though not perfectly devoted to me. (Edited to add: "And I to him, also imperfectly.") But I do wonder.

 

[nursenurse]

Albatross, don't overthink. You guys have each other, that is so wonderful. And I bet you he wonders why you are with him, warts and all, at least occasionally. It is through our imperfections that we can rise to the occasion with love.

We all come with baggage to a relationship, but most folks with PTSD have more than the Samsonite store. Never truer words were said when Albatross said it's not for the faint of heart. I too wonder about maturity here, Sarah, not to be insulting. I think Lovenbliss said things very well. Define yourself as a person. Love yourself, take care of yourself. He may contact you agin, he may not. You are a bright capable woman, run with that. Respect his decision no matter how hurtful. You will be a better person for it, I promise.

 

[Spring]

Sarah_1990,
Just give him time and space. Too much contact will only make him push you further away. It sounds like he's havin' a tough time processin' his thoughts and feelin's. Unfortunately, they push away the closest people to them. Give him some tme to work through what he needs to work through.

Find things to keep you busy and your mind occupied. But more importantly, you need to do as much research as you can on PTSD.

~Spring