ashdawn8287
Platinum Member
Hi. I guess this is where I tell my story.
I was sexual abused in my sleep as at age four, I don't know who did it because I was asleep, young, alone, in the dark, and a lot of people were there. I woke up in the middle of it. I have never felt the same since. It wasn't until I was older I could piece together what happened. I remember waking up the next morning feeling weird, uncomfortable, embarrassed, and scared. My parents were young and very irresponsible because of this I emotionally got neglected, yelled at, beat with a belt, and was never encouraged to seek out experiences.
My dad is a transsexual, I found out when I was 13. He is also an alcoholic. I have had a couple of close loved ones die, my mom got cancer when I was 15, my dad got cancer when I was 20. I abused alcohol for about 2 years until I learned my lesson the real hard way. I was in 2 abusive relationships.
My sister and cousins got molested by an uncle, who had molested my mom as a teenager. My sister lost the court case. A few years later she decided to bring us around him again. He didn't do anything physically but after he died my aunt and cousin found a camera/video in the bathroom. Along with naked pictures of anyone who had used the shower. His shed was filled with kid porn and other victims.
I am in and out of college. Right now, I am in and have been for 2 years going part time. I have a hard time making it to class and seeking out social relationships. I feel the most safe at home. I started seeing a psychiatrist when I was 14 because I was cutting myself. They misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety until recently when I overdosed I found out even though I don't fit the criteria I do indeed have it. I have being seeing the same therapist for 2 years. I struggle with over reactions, worry, over think, my triggers are feeling related. I have nightmares but they aren't situation related, again they are feeling related and always bad. I had a problem with taking too many pain killers. I actually love pills so much I stay away from them. I just got weened off xanax. I am currently taking paxil for depression and quetiapine for sleep and anger.
My PTSD has taken on the shape of many forums in a desperate cry for help and understanding throughout the years, but most importantly finding comfort and the ability to heal and move forward is why I am here. I have never given up on myself and hope that I can be "normal" one day.
I push the people I love most away, I say mean things when I am experiencing a trigger. I get feeling triggers a lot. I cry when I'm mad and I'm mad when I cry. I stay away from my family even though they are different now because the feelings are overwhelming, but what I want most is for me to treat them better and forgive them. I have a wonderful fiancee that puts up with my crap, although we have been having a lot of issues these past few months that we are currently working on together to fix.
I write a lot, it helps me take my feelings out on something without regretting it later. Also, I started sketching, I haven't gotten far with that, but I am a work in progress. Also I like to bake I find it very comforting. I am just trying to get closure and move on to the next part of my life, because the way I have been has not helped. I have a hard time trusting but I am trying really hard at that. My guards are up, I overprotect, and I yell when I don't get my way sometimes. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable a lot.
I just recently got diagnosed with endometriosis, basically the cells that are suppose to grow inside my uterus are growing outside my uterus and attaching to other organs and could ultimately led to infertility, which being a mom is something I desperately want after I work out this crap. I have constant pain from this condition. I just had surgery last Friday in hopes to get it controllable until I want children. Their is no cure.
I have lied, cried, left, thrown tantrum, been bullied, have bullied, quit a lot of things I try, screamed, and have felt like I have gone completely mad sometimes with the weight of worry I carry with me because of my life experiences. I still believe people are good because I am good after everything I have been through and after you peel back the layers and see the real me. I feel guilty and ashamed of my over reactions and try to control them as much as I can. It has taking a lot of practice and a lot of people leaving for me to see this. I want to gain responsibility for my feelings and actions in order to gain more control over them. I impatient and not flexible, something I also need to work on.
I am a survivor and PTSD will not get the best of me.
I was sexual abused in my sleep as at age four, I don't know who did it because I was asleep, young, alone, in the dark, and a lot of people were there. I woke up in the middle of it. I have never felt the same since. It wasn't until I was older I could piece together what happened. I remember waking up the next morning feeling weird, uncomfortable, embarrassed, and scared. My parents were young and very irresponsible because of this I emotionally got neglected, yelled at, beat with a belt, and was never encouraged to seek out experiences.
My dad is a transsexual, I found out when I was 13. He is also an alcoholic. I have had a couple of close loved ones die, my mom got cancer when I was 15, my dad got cancer when I was 20. I abused alcohol for about 2 years until I learned my lesson the real hard way. I was in 2 abusive relationships.
My sister and cousins got molested by an uncle, who had molested my mom as a teenager. My sister lost the court case. A few years later she decided to bring us around him again. He didn't do anything physically but after he died my aunt and cousin found a camera/video in the bathroom. Along with naked pictures of anyone who had used the shower. His shed was filled with kid porn and other victims.
I am in and out of college. Right now, I am in and have been for 2 years going part time. I have a hard time making it to class and seeking out social relationships. I feel the most safe at home. I started seeing a psychiatrist when I was 14 because I was cutting myself. They misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety until recently when I overdosed I found out even though I don't fit the criteria I do indeed have it. I have being seeing the same therapist for 2 years. I struggle with over reactions, worry, over think, my triggers are feeling related. I have nightmares but they aren't situation related, again they are feeling related and always bad. I had a problem with taking too many pain killers. I actually love pills so much I stay away from them. I just got weened off xanax. I am currently taking paxil for depression and quetiapine for sleep and anger.
My PTSD has taken on the shape of many forums in a desperate cry for help and understanding throughout the years, but most importantly finding comfort and the ability to heal and move forward is why I am here. I have never given up on myself and hope that I can be "normal" one day.
I push the people I love most away, I say mean things when I am experiencing a trigger. I get feeling triggers a lot. I cry when I'm mad and I'm mad when I cry. I stay away from my family even though they are different now because the feelings are overwhelming, but what I want most is for me to treat them better and forgive them. I have a wonderful fiancee that puts up with my crap, although we have been having a lot of issues these past few months that we are currently working on together to fix.
I write a lot, it helps me take my feelings out on something without regretting it later. Also, I started sketching, I haven't gotten far with that, but I am a work in progress. Also I like to bake I find it very comforting. I am just trying to get closure and move on to the next part of my life, because the way I have been has not helped. I have a hard time trusting but I am trying really hard at that. My guards are up, I overprotect, and I yell when I don't get my way sometimes. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable a lot.
I just recently got diagnosed with endometriosis, basically the cells that are suppose to grow inside my uterus are growing outside my uterus and attaching to other organs and could ultimately led to infertility, which being a mom is something I desperately want after I work out this crap. I have constant pain from this condition. I just had surgery last Friday in hopes to get it controllable until I want children. Their is no cure.
I have lied, cried, left, thrown tantrum, been bullied, have bullied, quit a lot of things I try, screamed, and have felt like I have gone completely mad sometimes with the weight of worry I carry with me because of my life experiences. I still believe people are good because I am good after everything I have been through and after you peel back the layers and see the real me. I feel guilty and ashamed of my over reactions and try to control them as much as I can. It has taking a lot of practice and a lot of people leaving for me to see this. I want to gain responsibility for my feelings and actions in order to gain more control over them. I impatient and not flexible, something I also need to work on.
I am a survivor and PTSD will not get the best of me.
