Volunteering With Ptsd And Feeling Split In Half?

[Raj]

Me and some family members volunteer to server others with similar financial issues a few times a month. And another family member is now an Emergency Services Volunteer. When doing the group activity, again yes I feel safe and even happy (until I realize I am not just with my family) as it fits with my personal values along with our Christian beliefs that we should treat others as we want to be treated, and we are not good people in any way, just people like everyone.

Yet the PTSD part of me is freaking out about being in a corner with no immediate exit and random strangers that are very close to me and even though we are all in the same boat so to speak I feel caged or even like a fish in a bowl. I want to keep helping (I like being useful and kind), yet I feel like I am hurting myself. Many of these people I no as acquaintances yet still fee like I have two people in me fighting about who stays to help and who runs through the friendly group of folks for an exit screaming like an idiot.

This has gotten worse as I have gotten older and my seizures have returned and some new abuse occurred. I feel depressed I used to run up to car wreck or a dog attack and help and now to hand an item to another in need is difficult. I want to have a better relationship with my community as well as my family who I feel overly dependent on.

 

[The Albatross]

Raj, sometimes if the immediate environment can't change I try to think of it as a "challenge" to normalize the experience. I use the opportunity to ground and make an agreement with myself that I will allow being uncomfortable for a set amount of time and reserve the right to reassess it as needed after the set time period.

Don't be too hard on your previous efforts versus the past ability. Just focus, if you can on trying to normalize the task you and your family do right now.

I hope this helps and I'm glad you're making a difference to your community! I do volunteer work too.

 

[Hashi]

This has gotten worse as I have gotten older and my seizures have returned and some new abuse occurred.

Raj, I'm really concerned to read this. The first person you need to help and take care of is yourself, and in my view that needs to be your priority.

I'd like to offer a different view of helping others and being of service in the community. You can do this directly through volunteer work as you have been doing, but I don't think that's the only way. If there's a time when you need to focus on yourself, your emotional well-being and your own healing, then the best thing you can do for others is to focus on that. To my way of thinking, that helps other people in two ways.

The first one is that you're modelling for other people how to work on yourself, take responsibility, care for your own needs, and make changes to improve your situation. By doing the difficult work on your own recovery, you learn and understand things that you'll be able to share with other people later, to help them on their journey.

The second one is that if you pace yourself and put energies into your own recovery first, you will be a stronger person later and will be able to help others even more in the end. Rather than actively helping people now and having your energies pulled in different directions so that what you can do for them is restricted, perhaps by withdrawing a little to help yourself for a while, you will ultimately be able to offer other people a great deal more. It's like the analogy of having to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs, otherwise your ability to help will not go very far.

I completely agree that we should treat others as we want to be treated. I think that also means we should treat ourselves as we want to treat others. We need to show ourselves the same duty of care that everyone deserves.

It seems the connection to your community outside your family, and the feeling of acting in line with your values, is important for your recovery. That needs to be paced very carefully and it sounds like at the moment it's happening in a way that's counter productive. If you were simply saying that you were finding it a struggle, that would be different. However, the return of seizures and new abuse occuring is much more serious.

You have that structure for volunteering and those connections in place to go back to, and it sounds like this is very meaningful and important to you. To me, it also sounds like you need to put things on pause for a while, step back a little and work out ways to engage in this so that it can be a positive for everyone concerned, and not have such a negative effect on you. I do think you need to find a way to work through the issues, but not in a way that's possibly damaging. I think it needs to be approached carefully, at the right pace, and with more strategies in place for safety and coping.

 

[daretodream]

Volunteering is a big part of my life and has been for the most part. I was active on a fire department for 19 years even acting as the fire chief for several years.

Raj, I relate to wanting to run up and help but not always able to. I resigned and walked away after a great deal of thought. I took off some time briefly from volunteering and then went back to work with children in cadets and Junior Forest Wardens but none fulfilled me as prior. My PTSD symptoms where escalating as my abuse was and I had to decide on how to proceed. I left the volunteer for a period to begin to heal me.

I was gone for several years, far longer than I had planned but that is another story for a another day. I went back three years ago into volunteering. I was afraid I would not find again anything I loved as much as Firefighting. The adrenaline rush and the relief of saving someone or someones home. I had no clue where to go, so I ended in a Christian store. Met the manager and she invited me to apply to volunteer there and I did.

I volunteered over a year and felt so good I went working part time, something I had also lost the ability to do due to health mentally and physically. For me volunteering has healing within that many are never blessed to even experience. It is a good way to prevent isolation that often PTSD creates for many of us.

The volunteer your doing presently may not be where you need to be presently. I asked God to guide me and I never expected to be in the store I am in. I actually not only volunteer still there but am now one of the paid team managers. It helps me to pay for the gas to go there.

It is okay and even healthy to say this is not for me at this time and it is okay to take a break. For me I needed to go back to venture out of my safe zone for I simply was being to accepting and isolated again. What ever the reason let your mind be open and let your heart quieten and listen to the guts within you. That is where I hear my best when I listen were I am the most assertive.

I like to use this tool. When I am thinking and at times speaking. Place my hand on my stomach and see if the emotions are from there. If they are in my head and throat then I am being submissive and accepting and not feeling nor experiencing. If I feel it in my chest I am angry, hurt or to emotionally negative. only in my stomach am I calm and rational.

Best of luck on the path you choose, for I know just from what I have read from you. You have a good heart.