Name Changes

[Mayday]

Curious if anyone else has seriously considered changing their name or has changed their name, and if so, how did it go?

I think I've always thought about this. I have never felt connected with my name at all. My first name is something my mother had decided on for any daughters she had, my middle name is her first name and my surname is from my dad's side of the family and they are pretty messed up.

I've never been married (and most likely that will never happen anyway) so can't use that as an excuse to change my name. My first name doesn't lend itself easily to nicknames or abbreviations. I've also never really had a nickname.

But I have always thought about changing my name, don't have anything in mind yet, but thinking of looking for something that has some nice meaning.

Was just wondering if anyone else had changed their name and what their experience was of that.

 

[Pencil]

I don't like my name either, and don't relate to it at all. But changing it feels too radical. Would you seriously change it?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I changed my name, I kept my original first name for a number of reasons. I changed my middle name - which can be abbreviated to a nickname and my surname changed also. I found it very freeing. What I have found though, is now I don't like sharing more than my first name, it's like its special and untainted and I don't want people to know it -except with those I trust and then I feel incredibly proud of the change. That's probably just me though!

I had no idea what to change it too, but it kinda fell into place and then I couldn't see it as being anything else.

AJ
xx

 

[Mayday]

I don't know if I'd seriously change it or not...but I have considered it quite a bit. It's a big decision of course. I just sometimes feel a bit weird that these people (my parents) should be the ones to determine my name for my entire life. But then I wonder if I've "missed the boat" for a name change, because I'm in my thirties now, and shouldn't I have done it when I was younger?

Am pondering all of this.

 

[Mayday]

I had no idea what to change it too, but it kinda fell into place and then I couldn't see it as being anything else.

Awesome! Sounds like it was a positive move for you :)

 

[p-no]

AJ,

That's probably just me though!

No, me, too! :)

Mayday, I had an official name change, first, middle, last. Well, I didn't have a middle one before, so I just added one. :)
Just to get this straight, this change has nothing to do with my name changing because of marriage or divorce, this was an official thing so my new names were entered into my birth registry. My former names are obsolete, gone, poof.

I learned about this option when I was a volunteer with an organization supporting women who have gone through sexual abuse. We had a café women could come to once a week and talk about anything they liked. As staff, of course, I listened to many of their stories and found myself often thinking theirs were a lot worse than mine and therefore concluded that having my name changed officially wasn't available to me. Thing is though that my story was pretty much the same as theirs, I just couldn't see it then and couldn't give myself permission to make such a fundamental change. By the way, that was about 10 (EDIT: not 20, sorry, typo) years ago and I do live in Germany.

I only woke up fully two years ago (that's when the process started) and am now "there" (in reality). At the beginning of 2011 I finally got (my then therapist told me (so grateful)) that my story was just as bad as those women's were and that I am entitled (and always have been) to live a life I want and designed for myself. I started the process very soon after I "got it" and the official name change came into effect in July 2011.

I had a strong connection to my now first name for a long time which is why I took it on. My last name I created using my non-biological dad's last name and adding one letter in the right spot so it got a meaning (the meaning of it is "mine" now, hehe :)) When I learned that having an official name change approved meant that you could choose anything, also any number of names, I was like: wow, a middle name (always wanted one), and chose one that has a very important meaning to me. I, too, am very careful with who I tell, just because of its meaning which reminds me to never lose sight of myself again, not for a second (doing my best). So, my middle name is a constant (and beautiful) reminder of why I got the name changed in the first place and what my real goal is in all of this, which is being me and becoming my self more and more.

It was weird for some time at the beginning with the new name; it did cause me anxiety in official settings just because I felt I had to focus on my new name so not to use the old one when e.g. having an appointment at the town hall or so. But that was all it was, anxiety, fear of messing up and being looked at as if I were totally nuts. It never happened and of course it was already my name, but I was still scared. I combined the name change with a move to another city and with cutting lots of people off who weren't good for me. Some of my old friends know, some have just accepted it without further questions, others know my background. My one (abusive) aunt tried to send me on a guilt trip because of it just this last Christmas but I have taken the power away from my family members, so I just said I wasn't interested in further contact with her. She tried once more, I just ignored it, and haven't from her since.

So, this name change - although I don't really see it as a change but as a giving up of my past identity as a victim and starting into a new life as someone alive (not a survivor) - has meant more to me than I can put into words. I have gained a great feeling of freedom (freedom of choice and of being in control of my own life) and my independency; it was a real-life symbol of cutting the cords between my abusers and me. It is difficult to explain.

I have known many over the years who have done this and none of them have ever regretted it as far as I have learned from them. It can be a very important part of claiming your life (not back, as I never had my own) and make it yours.

Which is not saying you should do it. You have to be ready for it, it's an official thing, at least here, and there's no going back. I can only say that you will know when and if you're ready.

Good luck, and feel free to ask anything you'd like to know.

 

[Hashi]

I changed my name when I was 29. I changed everything - first name, middle name and surname. I'm really glad I did. I didn't like my previous name, and it was full of negative associations with my family, my family's culture and childhood.

I think choosing your own name is very powerful. I was careful about the meaning of all three names. I found this difficult when it came to my surname, because I'm female and so many surnames are based on male lineage (eg Robertson) or traditionally male professions (eg Wheelwright), which I didn't want. However, there are surnames connected to animals, birds, nature, colours, positive qualities and so on, so I chose one of those. I literally went through the phone book looking at surnames to find one I wanted. It was a big phone book and my name was quite near the end, lol.

I already knew the first and middle names I wanted, I just had to find a surname that went with them and that I liked.

It was a bit strange at first to think of myself with that name, but now I find it weird to think of myself with the old name. Other people needed a bit of time to get used to it, and some people kept on calling me by the old one - in the end I had to not respond when they did it, and then they changed over. Everyone inevitably asked me why, and I told them half the truth - I didn't like my old name, everyone spelt it wrong, and I didn't like the patriarchal system of women taking their father's name, and also... why not? The rest I kept to myself.

It was a bit of a pain having to get records, accounts and ID changed over, and I have to include a copy of my change of name deed when providing certificates that I got before I changed it. Plenty of people do that when they changed their name for marriage, so people accept it (although in my case they're surprised that it's my whole name).

Actually changing it was easy. I just told a solicitor my new name and old one, and they wrote a deed for me to sign. In fact, I found out later that in the UK you can do it by statutory declaration, which only costs £5 and takes about 5 minutes. Either way, you have to renounce your old name and make a declaration to stop using it entirely. You can't use the old name in one situation (eg career) and the new name for other situations (eg bank account), like you can with a change of name for marriage. I don't know how that is in other countries.

Other than the inconvenience and dealing with people's curiosity, I've never had any problems. I love my name now. I feel like I belong to it and it belongs to me, which I didn't feel like with my old name. Also, it sounds really nice and people always comment on that. (Well, I wasn't going to choose a plain name for myself, was I? :))

 

[Mayday]

Thank you so much for that prime-no! I wish there was a way to 'like' your comment more than just once!

I just couldn't see it then and couldn't give myself permission to make such a fundamental change

I can only say that you will know when and if you're ready.

I think I'm somewhere inbetween these two bits of what you said.

I have gained a great feeling of freedom (freedom of choice and of being in control of my own life) and my independency; it was a real-life symbol of cutting the cords between my abusers and me. It is difficult to explain.

It is difficult to explain, but I know what you mean and identify a lot. I hope to achieve similar feelings, whether I end up with the name change or not. Though I have a feeling it is definitely on the cards. Just need to listen to myself and trust myself to make the right decision

 

[Hashi]

Oh, I just read prime-no's post, I was writing when she was posting. She said it so much better! All those feelings go for me too.

Honestly, I'm so happy that I changed my name.

 

[Mayday]

dealing with people's curiosity

I like the way you respond to the curiosity, as I was wondering about that, as I don't want to be telling people my life story. But what you said makes sense, and I have never liked my name and the whole patriarchal system thing is a handy reason to use also.

In NZ I think there is a one time fee to change your name, it's not excessively too much, so could well be something I could treat myself at some stage :)

So glad to hear of other people changing their names and having such positive experiences!

 

[p-no]

changing it was easy

I am glad to hear this!

I don't know how that is in other countries.

It is incredibly difficult here in Germany. That's why it took about half a year for me (starting with getting the documents (e.g. birth certificate, etc.)) I needed to provide). That's not a long time here though.

Also, you can do it here only if you have a trauma history that you can provide proof for (by proof I mean either proof (official papers from authorities) or the support of a therapist, doctor, family (who can provide you with "witness statements") or a victim's police record (I mean, something from the police stating what happened to you) or other "important reasons" (e.g. your original last name has a derogatory meaning (e.g. there is the German surname "Fick" which means "F*ck")). It must be a very good reason though, i.e. you can not change your first name if you have a surname like Fick. You can not just do it because you don't like it and you don't have the right to do it once just cause or anything. There is a country-wide police check done (takes ages; if you have criminal records, even minor, forget it, other than that you are under police protection as a witness) and several official steps needed. Not easy, not cheap. Mine was 400 EUR. (That was cheap, considering fees are up to 1,200 EUR (in the land (like a state in the US) where I lived at the time.)

It was a bit of a pain having to get records, accounts and ID changed over, and I have to include a copy of my change of name deed when providing certificates that I got before I changed it.

Oh, yes. And expensive, too, here at least. I also have to include that certificate, e.g. each time I apply for a job. My name change was effected when I was 36, so I have references for all my previous positions with my old names. In Germany, you need to provide references for each job you have held; if your application in that sense is not complete, often they don't even ask you for interviews.

Leading to...

dealing with people's curiosity

More than once have I had the impression that employers asked me for an interview because they were nosy. They got excited like children when they asked me about the name change and I was very glad I had practiced that (role play) very thoroughly so I would really only give away what I wanted to (which they seemed quite disappointed about).

In general, in my country, people suspect the worst when they come across something like this and some have turned away when I told them I had gotten a name change. They just can't seem to do it in their minds, accept, that is.

 

[p-no]

She said it so much better!

:stop: All she did was say it differently. :)