Changed my surname and kept it a secret

[Janexxx]

Have you tried EMDR for this specific issue?

Yeah I said to my therapist I want to work on not being so triggered by the old name. So right now we are going into memories from school associated with being bullied over the name. Since starting this kind of therapy it has brought up a lot of emotions. I’ve had crazy dreams. And the urge to tell people is there as well as the panic. So as horribly uncomfortable as it is I’m hoping it helps me in the long run

 

[arfie]

I would welcome any advice on how to reveal this secret to people

i am a fanatical believer in small steps, big faith and lots of prayer (by whatever name). as pertains to the secrecy codes, i started with my own belief that secrets are worth guarding. i meditated (prayed) on that belief until i formed the faith that no, they are not worth the resources and toxic runoff it takes to keep them.

my effort to live openly and honestly is still a works in progress, but in the name of small steps, big faith and lots of prayer, i leave it at the first step i took on the continuing journey.

steadying support while you find your own next step.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don’t want to carry this around anymore, it’s exhausting

It is exhausting carrying it all around. It's really great you recognise it though as those are all the first steps. You will get there. You're working through it all.

Everyone gather round I have a secret to tell you. Everyone shocked and confused. My best friend of 8 years and my partner of 6 angry I kept this from them. I wish I hadn’t left it so long. I think I went through life loving my new name and that being who I was. I didn’t think the old name would still be there.

I think when we carry all this shame we assume others are going to judge us from that same shame lens. But how we hold it is going to be very different for them. It may be a complete 'non issue' for them.
It took me 16 years to tell my partner about my trauma. Wasn't 'lying' about not sharing before. Just unable.
The fact you had a different name and you changed it comes from trauma. So maybe it's not so much 'i have a secret I never told you about my name's but 'i now feel able to talk about some of my trauma with you and that made me change my name'.
Maybe shifting how you see this telling/sharing?

Edit to add: if my partner told me that they had a different surname before and never told me. I really really really wouldn't think it was a big deal. I'd ask why. It would be the why that was the thing. If they changed it because they committed crimes and wanted a different identity -that would be an issue! But any other reason would be fine. I wouldn't feel lied to or that I couldn't trust them.

I also try to get on with my family like nothing ever happened which is very hard. Me and my 2 siblings all have mental health problems and eating disorders. There’s been health issues that were ignored as children that we’ve had to deal with ourselves when we got old enough to do so. I’m so angry at them. And when I ask why they didn’t at least discuss with me about changing my surname at the time my mum just says “you were a teenager, you were just going to do what you wanted”. It’s makes it all my fault and I hate them for it

Yeah, family are their own shit show. And that's a whole other thing to navigate....

 

[Janexxx]

It is exhausting carrying it all around. It's really great you recognise it though as those are all the first steps. You will get there. You're working through it all.

I think when we carry all this shame we assume others are going to judge us from that same shame lens. But how we hold it is going to be very different for them. It may be a complete 'non issue' for them.
It took me 16 years to tell my partner about my trauma. Wasn't 'lying' about not sharing before. Just unable.
The fact you had a different name and you changed it comes from trauma. So maybe it's not so much 'i have a secret I never told you about my name's but 'i now feel able to talk about some of my trauma with you and that made me change my name'.
Maybe shifting how you see this telling/sharing?

Edit to add: if my partner told me that they had a different surname before and never told me. I really really really wouldn't think it was a big deal. I'd ask why. It would be the why that was the thing. If they changed it because they committed crimes and wanted a different identity -that would be an issue! But any other reason would be fine. I wouldn't feel lied to or that I couldn't trust them.

Yeah, family are their own shit show. And that's a whole other thing to navigate....

Yes it’s funny. I can completely see it differently from another point of view. If my friend told me this I would be like cool and never think about it again. Like you say if my partner told me I’d probably want to know why but then I wouldn’t care. I wish I could give myself this same grace as I would give someone else.

I’m interested in what you are saying about reframing the way I think about telling people. Instead of it being a huge secret name change, it’s more I’m going to share my trauma with you. My mind tells me I’m a liar, I’m weird, everyone will judge me ect. Instead I need to remember I was a child going through difficult things with no adult protection. Easier said than done. I have a very strong inner and outer critic. But I’m working on it.

 

[ags1]

Hi, as a trans person I also chose a name for myself. The name you have chosen for yourself is truly your name. You don't owe anyone explanations or apologies.

I think everyone should choose their own name!

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I salute you. I have considered changing my name too. I have blocked all my family except for my brother. I don’t want to be associated with any of them. Maybe it is a wishful thinking that it would make any difference. I have a strong desire to live a no tracer life.There is so much pain associated with my family of origin and every time I sign my name I am reminded. Healthy or unhealthy, I just want my life to be my own.

 

[FFnerd]

Thank you, it’s nice to hear from other people who relate. How have you gone about telling people parts from your past?

There's been a lot of playing it by ear for me when I decide to share things or not.

Sometimes it's been times when a friend has been confiding in me about something substantial to them - and if it has felt 'right' or safe to share something I've had in common then I'll do it then. During these moments I try to keep it specific and purposeful so I don't spin off into an entire tale of my life lol but then again even when I do get off track it's usually been received well.

A few times, I had been visibly dealing with the emotional impacts of my trauma - and friends noticed and reached out to me - I let them in on what was bothering me then and why. While it's true you never have to share anything with anyone, if you don't, you also never allow anyone a chance to try to meet you where you're at to support you. These are the moments I'll usually feel free to go into more detail because it feels purposeful, like I'm making sure I'm equipping them with all the details necessary to deal with/understand my shit lol

Most of the time though I share small moments relating to others in funny short anecdotes - the dark humor is a coping method for me, and doesn't freak the right people out lol. These are fun moments for me, because it feels like I'm giving my friends a comedic tour of my life and getting their live reactions - which is still validating and reframing for me.

Truth is plenty of people without ptsd regularly share details about their life and past - so for me it's been a practice in trying to not feel guilty that my inputs aren't always as "pretty" as others. Plus, everyone has to deal with difficult losses and hard times at some point in their life - I generally enjoy being able to set a generous curve for others to talk about the 'ugly' in their life when I open up.

 

[Movingforward10]

I wish I could give myself this same grace as I would give someone else.

Yeah, we struggle to show compassion to ourselves. But again building awareness about this really helps to learn how to be compassionate to yourself. Why don't you deserve the grace you give others?

My mind tells me I’m a liar, I’m weird, everyone will judge me ect. Instead I need to remember I was a child going through difficult things with no adult protection. Easier said than done. I have a very strong inner and outer critic. But I’m working on it.

Yeah, also all the lies PTSD tells us about ourselves. The truth is: you're not a liar, you're not weird, and no one is going to judge.

I’m interested in what you are saying about reframing the way I think about telling people. Instead of it being a huge secret name change, it’s more I’m going to share my trauma with you.

I always find reframing things just opens up doors to relief and healing. Little shifts in thinking can do a lot of good.

Hi, as a trans person I also chose a name for myself. The name you have chosen for yourself is truly your name. You don't owe anyone explanations or apologies.

I think everyone should choose their own name!

I also changed my first name. And I am proud of it . It took me decades to be brave enough. And it brings me joy every day. I'm not trans, so it doesn't have that same meaning to me but it did make me feel like I'm being me which I imagine has some similarities.