For me it's very much a case of allowing. I'm all about control, usually far too much. I admire people who can be more open!
I'm not comfortable saying "allow her
in". Definitely not to my core, but I think in my case not "in" at all. Allowing her to be in the same space is as far as it goes. Her reaching me feels more like her putting something in the space then me reaching out to that, and me putting something of myself in the space that she can reach out and pick up. I'm too protective of myself for anything else, but this for me is huge in terms of trust and openness.
What that means in practice is that I often take my time before reacting to something she says if it's significant. It's normal for me to wait until the next session and think/feel it out for a week before responding, and if it's big thing it might be after several weeks. Similarly for the things I talk about. I always decide in advance what topic it's going to be, sometimes I might have that planned for the next three sessions. I don't like having an unexpected topic come up, and if that happens I generally ask to talk about it the following week instead.
That might sound very controlling, which it is, but what it does is give me the containment and safety I need to be more open and honest when I do talk. It actually means I can let my guard down because there's less to guard against. I know there are unlikely to be a lot of surprises. The most destabilising things for me aren't the most difficult things, they're the most unexpected things. This way, I can prepare myself for emotional fallout and that allows me to take more risks in what I say and what I'm willing to hear.
Regarding how to get to that point, I remembered posting about it in a different thread so I searched for it. I don't know if this will link to the particular post I was thinking of, but the post is #34. The thread covered various aspects about therapy that might be relevant to what you asked, and there was some particular discussion about trust within it.
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-is-therapy-for.30639/page-2#post-500246[/DLMURL]
I have always remained in my safe place and kept my T at arms length.
Rumors, before your posts here I hadn't even identified that this is how I see opening up. It's actually the same way I see it when people send me good thoughts. I see them as being placed within my reach, not coming to me directly.
I don't think I'll ever be capable of anything more direct. I didn't develop emotional dependency on anyone as a child, not even at birth because I was isolated in intensive care for weeks, and not after that because of circumstances. I observed it in my siblings and saw how vulnerable it made them so I chose to avoid it consciously as well. It has been difficult for me to learn to trust and it's still very unsafe. I keep it almost literally at arm's length, and I need all the boundaries and safeguards of therapy, but then I can do it. I suppose this way, the arm's length is still there but I'm reaching across with my arm rather than pushing away with it.
I think this might be different from a lot of other people's way of approaching things. I'm at the extreme end of independence and control. I thought I'd say it in case anyone relates, because there are still attachment issues although I think of a different nature from those of people who generally fear abandonment. And it is actually relevant to the thread topic - honest! My fear of abandonment/loss is more to do with what I've invested in my therapist. Literally, the time, money, effort, trust and emotion that I've put into the process. Also that my belief in healing is to a large extent invested in her too. That dependency is a risk, and my current situation is one of the dangers. But if I hadn't taken that risk, I know I wouldn't be as far along in healing as I am now.
It has also been helpful to put into words this feeling that we're connecting in the space between us, rather than directly. Because I have a metaphysical outlook, and so does my therapist, it means we can still have some contact in that space even though we're not actually seeing each other. If I need to feel connected to her compassion, it's still there for me. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, I know I have some strange ways. but it's a good thing for me to think about right now.
