Flicking The Switch Back On??

[Philippa]

Speaking to a girlfriend from my work tonight, after work, the subject of me and relationships with men came up. I was saying to her that men don't tend to approach me or ask me out, and she, very perceptively said "perhaps because you aren't open to them approaching you"...which is correct.

I have been closed off from males and relationships, other than platonic, for a very long time now...I can't think how long, but it's been years...maybe 4 or 5 in total. I am unsure how to 'flick the switch' back to being receptive to a relationship again. I'm so used to being on my own, and being a spinster who doesn't even date and who wasn't interested in any sort of relationship with a man or men besides possibly friendship, that I have forgotten how to open up to the possibility of a relationship with anyone that isn't a work colleague, friend or otherwise superficial relationships with acquaintances.

Does anyone know about this and how to reverse it so I can be more receptive to relationships again? I know I need to smile more, and I feel like I am much better at this than I used to be. I used to be much healthier in my outlook about males and relationships, but I was over them a long time ago, and especially Australian males.

I just find them all to be so incredibly self-absorbed that they don't really notice women here in Australia, they are too caught up in their own lives and stuff to really pay attention. That isn't just my perception either, I've spoken to other women who have similar issues and they say that european men know how to treat women and pay lots of attention to them, ask them out, approach them without hesitation and actually notice them.

I really don't think I am exaggerating, but I also know that it is me as well, and that I need to learn to turn that switch on inside me again, where I am receptive to male attention. When I was receptive to it, it never came though, so I decided that guys in Australia really weren't worth bothering with. Maybe that is unfair to the few who are, and I have met some good ones too, I just wasn't attracted to them when they were to me, which was the problem.

Can anyone offer any insight into how to turn that part of me on again, or is this something I need to figure out on my own? Any help would be appreciated...Do I need to just move to Europe?:D

 

[madmax]

Move to China your odds are better.

I JUST could not let this one be...Sorry, you live in Australia and you believe men in Europe are the answer?

Your PTSD must be abating if your thinking this abstractly

Max.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well when you figure it out, clue me in!

I don't think I've ever been "receptive" to a relationship. I don't even know what that means!

All I know is that I don't get approached. I guess I'm just not approachable?

 

[Philippa]

Move to China your odds are better.

I JUST could not let this one be...Sorry, you live in Australia and you believe men in Europe are the answer?

Your PTSD must be abating if your thinking this abstractly

Wow. Is this supposed to be helpful to me? Do you think your reply answered what I was asking for at the end of my post in any constructive way? Please next time try harder to restrain yourself.

My PTSD has waned significantly, so I doubt it has anything at all to do with that.

Have you ever lived in Australia? Do you know what the men are like here, from a woman's perspective? All I hear from women is how attentive men in europe are, and how they will pursue you and have fun.

I'm an attractive woman, and I've NEVER been approached or pursued by men here. I've also approached men I liked and been rejected, so it's not just about me sitting passively waiting for men to do all the work.

Any boyfriends I've had have happened overnight, sometimes through friends of family and sometimes just chance meetings, but never have I been pursued or chased, like men are supposed to like doing.

I thought the smiley face at the end would have made it clear I was joking about moving to europe. Apparently not. Oh, and I am not attracted to chinese men, though I can see you were being sarcastic.

Can you please not reply to this thread if you are going to continue to post unhelpful things like this? I'd appreciate it, thanks.

 

[Philippa]

Well when you figure it out, clue me in!

I don't think I've ever been "receptive" to a relationship. I don't even know what that means!

All I know is that I don't get approached. I guess I'm just not approachable?

Being receptive to a relationship means being open to one...wanting one, and allowing those signals to go out into the world, so men feel it.

It may be that you give out signals that tell them to stay away, or back off, to protect yourself? I basically shut down because I did not want a relationship with anyone, but now I'm not sure how to open myself to one again.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well that would be accurate. I've always felt that I'd be weak for needing other people.

So what do I do? Wear low cut shirts? Lol.

Seriously though, HOW do you send out those signals? Oh yeah. That was your question too. Sorry.

I think I throw out a fiercely independent vibe. The "don't follow me because I won't lead, don't lead because I won't follow" sort of vibe. And most of the time, don't walk beside me because you bore me to tears and I want nothing to do with you.

Maybe I'm too picky. I got sick of dealing with everyone else's crap that I learned I need to do everything for myself. I learned to not seek others out because god knows I'd get rejected. I figure if anyone wants anything to do with me they'll seek me out. And, they don't. Wonder why. Ha.

 

[nimkekaa]

how to turn that part of me on again, or is this something I need to figure out on my own?

I think that some of it has to do with self confidence. It's what you think about yourself and your confidence about yourself that attracts a man. (in my opinion) I have seen very beautiful women that are shy with nobody and women less attractive with lots of men but they carry themselves in a positive way.

For me I really noticed how I carried myself when I started studying karate. I went from walking with my head down to walking with more pride in my step. Not because I thought I was a lean, mean fighting machine but because I wasn't so scared and walked with my head held higher.

I don't know if you have any confidence issues but I think that on a whole it's something in you that attracts someone. That and opportunity also.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou Nimkekaa, I have also done a martial art, and it helps so much with feeling good and fit and confident, you're right. I haven't trained in a couple of years now though, but I feel like I walk with a straight back, and strongly in a way that does not project 'victim' put into the world.

I've been told by my father that I have confidence issues, when I was young, but I always felt I was quietly confident...I just wasn't loud and showy about it.

I definitely believe in carrying yourself in a way that conveys confidence, even if that's not exactly how you are feeling at the time. Acting confident will eventually lead to being more confident.

Thanks for the insight. I will pay careful attention to how I really am carrying myself from now on.

 

[Philippa]

Well that would be accurate. I've always felt that I'd be weak for needing other people.

I have the same thing. I had trouble even being part of this forum for a long time as well, and rarely ever reached out to others when I did need help, which is silly.

Seriously though, HOW do you send out those signals? Oh yeah. That was your question too. Sorry.

Yeah, I think it does have a lot to do with attitude and what nimkekaa was saying, how you hold yourself. Most guys like smiley women. I've never been that smiley naturally, even though I am considered beautiful looking by many people. Whenever I did smile at a guy though, he took it the wrong way and I'd find myself being kissed without consent or even wanting it. All because I smiled at them! They took my friendliness as "she wants me"...which wasn't the case.

My solution to all this was to stop smiling at men. Period. This started when I was a teenager and I haven't really broken out of that thought form since. I have to really make the effort to smile...although I've even bought hypnosis subliminal Mp3's off the net to help with smiling more...how crazy is that?

I can see how that was my schoolgirl mentality at the time, but I'm no schoolgirl now and I'm getting sick of being single and having no one to cook for, dammit.:(

I think I throw out a fiercely independent vibe. The "don't follow me because I won't lead, don't lead because I won't follow" sort of vibe. And most of the time, don't walk beside me because you bore me to tears and I want nothing to do with you.

Yeah, I'm like that too. I was considered snobby for a long time, but I think it's good to be selective...very selective.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Dang I lost everything I typed!

Long/short.

Yes, I was considered the class snob. It sucked.

No, I don't smile much. I learned it is possibly a cultural thing handed down over generations even though my family has been in the states for a few generations now.

 

[Philippa]

Well, I am practising smiling more and I hold myself confidently, I think, so apart from what I am already doing to unravel past tendencies to self-protect, what more can I do to attract the right person? I have one woman I know who is wanting to set me up with a male friend of hers who seems to be the female version of me, in that he does not date and has all but given up on finding someone, and is so used to being a bachelor that he is stuck in his ways. I'm so used to being single that I wonder if I even know how to have a relationship again, or if I want to give up my freedom again? I do want to give it a go again. Maybe being older and wiser this time, and all the work I've done on myself to change and become more self-loving and self-respecting to attract someone at my level, will pay off now...?

 

[madmax]

Philippa,

My wife just "dressed me down like a thanksgiving turkey". She says you are correct about the men and I should shut up.

So I apologize, I just could not conceive of a "man" acting that way to a women.