What Is The Exact Point Of Living?

[alitaram]

This isn't a suicide thing at all, just to let you know. I'm too stubborn to die. It is the only way I can say "F*ck you" to the universe, ha ha.

It has just been bothering me lately - I don't remember how to live. I remember not being so aware of how stupid life is, when I was young and I didn't think about the family drug problems as bad, and we lived on a beautiful farm. B

But after everything, and being thrown back into society after years of severe isolation and abuse, I don't see the reason why for anything. I don't understand "life." What is the point of dinner parties? What is the point of friends to talk about your other friends in your bubble? What is the point of doing the same job, every... single... day... What is the point of knowledge if you don't share it or use it? What is the point of travel? What is the point of anything?

What do adults do? What do people do? I just don't know nor do I understand, like at all.

Going to college... what is the point in this time period? You won't learn anything really. What is the point of all these majors? What is the point when everything is so much the same?

My analysis of life is this: Born, study, job, marriage, family, death.

It sounds fricking miserable. And no matter how you twist it, this seems to be the pattern for 99%. Most aren't aware of it though, they are on a treadmill going no where, but at least it feels like they are. My treadmill stopped and I can't press the quick start.

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, I'm on an unusual life path. My daily job was teaching high school. I did it because I felt vocational calling and even though it was draining I ended almost every day feeling like I made the world better. That felt good.

I garden because when I am an old lady I will have the best yard on the block. I want it with a fire I don't understand. I just do. So I work really hard.

I went to 25 schools before I dropped out of high school. I went to five colleges before I got my BA and another school for my teaching credential and masters. Why did I do all that? Mostly because being away from my family all day was awesome when I was a kid and I wanted to do a job that required college.

Have you heard of Viktor Frankl? He wrote a book called Mans Search for Meaning and invented Logotherapy. It is excellent.

Everyone does what they do out of a combination of programming and choice. As you get older you have more potential choices but most people stay on preselected routes. Why? Because they are safe and comfy.

I stay home with my kids because I have a whole lifetime of kisses and hugs to learn about. If I am somewhere else I don't get access to that education. I want it. I want to find out what it really feels like to be loved. It's nice.

I'm kind of the poster child for child free but I wanted kids. Why do I do what I do? Because I am hella selfish and totally cool with that. :)

 

[Springer80]

Hi Alitaram,

I'm with you on this one and I don't know how it happened but its what I feel like. I too am too stubborn to die but all my oomph and convictions and anger and urgency have gone. I'm 32 so I've got to think of something otherwise I may as well be grazing cattle. Its hard when since the age of 12 you've assessed everything on your own and since 14/15 have had this disorder,....in the last two years my body couldn't sustain my symptoms, I'd contracted too many other problems as a result and everything crashed and I miss the definition and purpose it gave me. I never thought I would feel like this a this stage.

 

[alitaram]

I know what you mean. Everything of mine just went burning into flames, all my dreams and things I did, as a teen. I also contracted this disorder at 14/15. It was solid at 15, and the abuse started at 3 years old. The really bad abuse started at 12.

I used to be so passionate about animals and academics. It was "me." But now, I can't even think of that without crying or be around animals without feeling scared. And academics... the C-PTSD has smashed my mind.

I used to be really good at dog training. I went to the national competitions, and sometimes won. I got offered jobs and mentorship positions with the best trainers in the area, to help me. This was my happiness.

What happened? Soon, no one wanted to deal with the poor little kid with a black hole home life. People decided I wasn't "dependable" enough and just kept avoiding me. And I wasn't dependable, but it wasn't because of me, it was because of my parents. And they talked about me. Constantly. Gossip, gossip, gossip, until I could never show my face without feeling that awkwardness.

This didn't just stop here though, this chaos of my family touched every, single, thing I did or even remotely liked and tried to do, until I simply had nothing.

Academics became slaughtered too, since my mom would not let me go to school, and my C-PTSD/home life made self-studying a b*tch.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've become so dead on the inside, so alone and too aware of everything to make it normal. And everywhere I go, I just feel ready to run, because I just know something will happen, something will not work out. I know it will crash.

 

[Tosh]

When I was in therapy I asked my T that question, lol. It's like everything is really so insignificant, in the grand scheme of the universe...how important is, well anything? Why does it matter that I drag myself out of bed everyday and participate in life? I think she told me something along the lines of "we're all connected, everyone's life is linked... if you break even one link, then it effects everyone." I'm not sure how she put it exactly. I really didn't get how that answered my question, but I made it work for me at the time.

Most days I feel like I'm really not that important to the world. I mean when you zoom out and look at the big picture, I'm a waitress, most people can do my job. I'm not going to find any cures or invent something life changing. Sure, I'm in school...studying management, learning a bunch of stuff that I probably will never need to know. I'm a single mother, most of my time is spent being late for the next thing I'm supposed to do.

So one morning, just like any other morning, I leave for work an hour early...hoping to have time to grab a bite to eat and tan. I make myself do these things, I enjoy them when I'm not depressed, lol. On my way to work, I noticed a little smoke coming up from some trees along the side of the road. I slowed down as I drove by, I didn't see anything at first. Then as I passed, I thought I saw the back of a car way down in there. So of course, I turned the car around drove back to check it out.

I was almost too scared to get out of the car, anyone could be down there. A homeless guy could be cooking dinner, a bad person who might attack me, a million things were running through my head. I picked up my cell phone, locked my car, and walked across the road and down into the ditch...

Yep, I saw a car in the ditch. Now the scary part... is there someone in it? "Hello? Is anyone down there?" I yelled something like that a few times as I climbed into the brush. There was a car way down there and it had hit a tree. I must have seen the fumes from the radiator when I drove by. "Help! Help!" I heard an older woman's voice. There was someone in the car! "I'm trapped, I can't get out!" The woman yelled as she tried opening her car door, but it was blocked by other trees and branches in the ditch. I made my way to the car and told her that I'm going to call for help. She was an elderly woman and it was the middle of winter, good thing I had stopped.

After calling 911 and the fire department showing up, I headed on my way to work. It did kinda feel like I was a part of something bigger when that happened. Just being in a certain place at a certain time might make all the difference. Maybe we are all linked somehow?

Your post just reminded me of that story, cause I don't ask myself "what's the point?" as much anymore ;)

 

[InHell11]

I graduated high school and even made it to college, then I had to drop out mostly because of the PTSD..though at the time I thought I just didn't care and would rather be f***d up on drugs all the time. I was really trying to prevent the unpleasant PTSD symptoms I was having like anytime I was alone and sober. I did not want to acknowledge any possibility of PTSD as I was 20 and wanted to get out there and live my life. So after all that I tried again at a community college, and still couldn't make it. I doubt I will make it to job, marrige family, though death will come eventually...trying to keep it later rather than sooner but its hard when I'm in so much mental pain...but I can always have myself admitted to the psych ward out of being too stubborn to die when its too much to take anymore.

I always feel like nothing will work out as well, and the crash always seems inevidable, hence why it makes me quite anxious when people start telling me I have to just go out there, take risks and not let it bring me down...it feels more like they are telling me to walk into a pit of hell knowing it will be horrible but somehow remain happy or something.

So yeah I guess I am not sure of the point either, and can relate to a lot of what you posted....I wish I had a good answer to what the point is but I think its something someone has to decide for them self, not sure quite how to do that either. I guess life is hard and you have to try and keep going.......but its not exactly a prime example of a motivational saying.

 

[heidi]

I guess life is hard and you have to try and keep going.......but its not exactly a prime example of a motivational saying.

So true.

 

[Lucycat]

Born, study, job, marriage, family, death.

Wow! How negative is that? For me there is so much more ( and less) I got married, discovered I was infertile = no family. But so? I love my life. I continue to study. I have extended family that want me in their life. I have a happy marriage.

Yes, OK so I also have CPTSD and life is not how I predicted it as a child. But I am happy. I achieve. I see the sun shining ( OK so I am in Scotland and that is not terribly often ;)) But my cup is always half full. Life is what you make it, PTSD or not. Be thankful for what you have, and deal with what is not so good.

Yes, I have been suicidal, I have tried to take my own life, but what good would that have done? Being positive is what makes everything worthwhile. Make hay while the sun shines!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe you should stop defining life as everyone else does. I think that may be getting you into trouble.

Find what makes you happy and just go with it.

There must be a reason why you stay stuck in this thought pattern. What is the payoff? Does it keep you safe, albeit miserable?

 

[xena21]

Yes, OK so I also have CPTSD and life is not how I predicted it as a child. But I am happy. I achieve. I see the sun shining ( OK so I am in Scotland and that is not terribly often ) But my cup is always half full. Life is what you make it, PTSD or not. Be thankful for what you have, and deal with what is not so good.

It's ok to for you to be happy and I am glad you are, but not everyone can just get that "cup half full". Sometimes it takes more than just trying to think happy thoughts or look to the brighter side of things. People's brains change with trauma and you can't just turn it off and on with a switch. You are married and that is wonderful. I am happy for you. I have never even kissed a man...anyone because of the trauma I went through. I always wanted a family or at least someone in my life. I am always lonely. So it's hard to just tell people to be happy and make their cup be full.

 

[Lucycat]

I am not telling you - or anyone else to be happy. What I am trying to get across is that you can be happy despite a life of adversity.

Clearly I have times when I don't feel so good. But I try so hard to focus on what I have to be thankful for - however big or small. Yes, it is incredibly hard to crawl out of that big black hole, and to have to do it again and again. But you do have to do it.

You can't just make everything in life rosy, but with real hard work you can turn around your thinking patterns -'play the positive DVD's in your mind- so to speak. There will be relapses but you need a package of tools and resources to deal with those times. For me that package includes the support of a therapist, who helps me to challenge the negative thoughts.

 

[Lucycat]

There must be a reason why you stay stuck in this thought pattern. What is the payoff?

That is a very good question!