Confessing To My Therapist

[Ido]

So, I've been seeing my therapist for over 2 years. I was never diagnosed with BPD, but I was told I have "traits," although I don't know if that's upgraded or not.

I'm the person who googles and googles people...so I googled my therapist often. He knows about that. But what he doesn't know is that I know where he lives...and I used to drive past his house. Not often...but still...maybe around 20 times in the last 2+ years. It's been a huge secret I've been keeping, and I hate keeping it in. I now realize I was being disrespectful to him, disrupting his privacy, and breaking boundaries. When I first started, I honestly believed that "it's a public road; yes, his house happens to be on it, but it's a PUBLIC road" so I thought it was okay. I've grown a lot in the last 6 months, and I now know how bad it was of me to do that. I'm so scared to confess to my therapist about this. I'm afraid he's going to tell me I can no longer see him. I so wish that I had never been so stupid as to do what I did. But I can't change the past, and I really don't want to feel like this big secret is between us.

Has anyone had any experiences like this? Or do you know if there's any policy with the APA about this?
Any thoughts or advice? Please don't yell at me; I already know what I did was really stupid and I sure wish I hadn't...and it sucked that I felt so compelled to make sure he was real/alive/there. I hate when I get all screwed up in the head!

 

[Ajoni]

I think it says a lot that you realise the significance of what you did. You have obviously come a long way.

I am afraid I can't help you with the legalities or anything. I have seen another account similar to this where the therapist did stop seeing the client entirely but in that situation the person could not fully see the problem and had had done it fairly recently. She had also been watching her therapist on facebook and befriended one of her family members.

I think it would be a good idea to present all the ways you have changed when you tell her. And be clear with each behaviour how long it has been that you have not done it.

I also think its wise to expect your therapist to take this seriously regardless. I don't say that too frighten you but rather to prepare you. Hopefully once she feels she and her family are sure of having their privacy and safety then she leave it be.

I think its brave and honest of you to deal with this directly. Maybe you can write a letter too and hand it to her after you tell her so that all points are sure to be communicated. Good luck!

 

[Denaka]

Gosh that's really a tough situation. It's good of you to admit it and to deal with it rather than ignore it. I have to back up what the above poster said that you should expect it to be taken seriously. To be honest I sometimes feel extremely guilty living as close to my T as I do, I even changed what stores I shopped at and what streets I drove down for a long time because I didn't want my T to think I was violating his boundaries. Eventually I realized how ridiculous I was being driving 2-3 miles out of my way just to go to a store or movie theater. But I understand the fear of your T thinking you're a stalker or dangerous. My heart really goes out to you in dealing with this, I hope your T can find a way to understand and sympathize.

 

[Ajuk]

Maybe you just can promise your self to never do that again, acknowledge that you've actually grown and changed enough to see through your own lies and disrespectfulness. If you admit it you might make him feel uneasy. Someone told me you shouldn't confess stuff that can hurt the other person just to be able to feel better about your self, that's not being honest simply being egoistic. SO. Can you just promise your self never to do that again? To respect his privacy?

 

[Wefida]

(ajuk again) By saying this I'm not saying you are a bad person. Not at all. And you've been sick, and didn't "know better" then.. But you've changed. And that's a big progress! :) Be kind to your self, and maybe just don't do it again and forgive your self for it and work to keep healing your self.

 

[Olog]

I actually think its important to tell your t. And I agree to forgive yourself.

 

[Goho]

Why do you NEED to tell your T? I think you're self sabotaging. Do you want to risk getting fired from him? At the very least he will trust you less. My advice is to not tell him and move on. Just because he's your therapist doesn't mean you have to confess everything and be an open book.

Yes, you were technically stalking him. If someone confessed to you that they were stalking you, would you be so forgiving, and keep this person in your life?

 

[Kolukun]

If someone confessed to you that they were stalking you, would you be so forgiving, and keep this person in your life?

Therapists aren't stupid people, they realize that their job entails working with people who are quite ill.
I don't believe it is healthy to be dishonest, and if your T is already aware of your behaviour, it may not come as a massive surprise to them.

 

[Olog]

Agree with Kolukan.
Therapy is about getting better. In order to get better we need to be honest with ourselves and our therapist. If there are damaged parts of us that are there then therapy is about looking at those and then working on making them better.

I think Ido is being mature about this all and think that people advised him/her to hide it is bad advice. And that they should feel proud of the changes they made.

 

[Seju]

I don't believe it is healthy to be dishonest, and if your T is already aware of your behaviour, it may not come as a massive surprise to them.

Well I hope you identify yourself as a big fat liar under those terms, ie not disclosing everything to everyone makes you a liar. Good god, poor logic.

 

[Olog]

Not disclosing something relevant to that particular situation and relationship and in the context of therapy is what was being talked about here. It was not about disclosing everything to everyone. That truly is poor logic and good god indeed.

I for one perfectly understand what Kolukun meant.

 

[Juhaco]

Why thank you Olog!

Must admit that my first response to Seju was an eye twitch and a running stream of expletives through my head.

Taking any statement in a situation specific context and generalizing it.....well, not the most intelligent thing I've ever seen.

You must be honest with the one person that you know is there and interested in helping you, keeping lies (by omission) is only going to harm you in the long run.

And Seju, one of the first things you learn when you *actually* go and try to make an effort to get better from PTSD is that honesty with yourself and those supporting you is the key.

I personally would approach the situation with the T as such;

1. "I'm really scared you won't see me after I tell you this, but I've done something I know is wrong, and I feel bad for not telling you."
2. "I know I've crossed a boundary that isn't acceptable, and I've stopped doing it, but I feel I need to tell you because you are the person here to help me, and lying isn't going to help my recovery."
3. *Deep breath* "About (insert time frame here) I kept doing X, and I know you understand that I do obsessive things because I don't trust people, but that doesn't make it right either, and that's why I stopped."

That's just how I would handle it, but given that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I may be barking up the wrong tree.....if I've even identified it as a tree, it could be a car instead!