:)
RB, I would have liked to respond with an emoticon only, but this post would then have been deleted, and so I'll go on to say that:
this is a sentence I wish I had written. I sometimes envy writers' sentences, and this is one of them.
Pencil
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What Feels Like A Therapy Blow Out - Guilt, Consternation, Fatigue.
- Post starter Resilientbibliophile
- Start date
- Status
RB, I would have liked to respond with an emoticon only, but this post would then have been deleted, and so I'll go on to say that:
this is a sentence I wish I had written. I sometimes envy writers' sentences, and this is one of them.
Pencil
- Post starter
- #26
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Hello again,
Worried and unhappy. Same therapist, same cognitive behavioral stress testing misfire again this day - and I really don't know what to do. Clearly my therapist subscribes deeply to the validity of cognitive behavioral/adjustment model, and yet it seems an inadequate and patentedly limited approach in relation to what I have difficultly forgetting meshed to the materials that I read. My experiences of trauma prompted me to invest what materials I've consumed, whereas untangling such doesn't strictly seem in the cards.
What am I saying then? Imagine a legacy of socioemotional isolation mixed with a history of emotional abuse and bullying across circumstances. Imagine further that someone such as myself would reach for better written works consistent with developing a textured understanding of various issues rooted in what I'll term activist literature. This would include the review of both historical and contemporary social criticism that would help someone lend reasoned meaning to past suffering, but also heighten sensitivity to matters afloat just about everywhere consistent with being alert and 'involved'.
Lastly, appreciate that for many years indeed I took pride in avidly developing my capacity to apply knowledge gleaned from the study of this topic or that to effectively lend context to very unpleasant traumatic recall. I felt I wasn't alive if I couldn't lend special interpretation to what I experienced, and felt ever greater distance build between myself and others. Affording the reader above a basically undefended critique of myself and my motives, appreciate that my therapist believes that I don't want to change, that my adapation is clearly dysfunctional, and that I resist all efforts to reconsider my impressions and interpretations about much. I'm 'fighting', 'noncooperative', and surely 'resistant'.
The anger does indeed well within me. That normative range experience of much has been afforded to her consistent with being safe, loved, understood, etc. is of course a very good thing for her (how could I contest such?), but please do not judge my perceptions - especially those reinforced and explored in detail for my efforts to read and experiment. I read psychology, but so too do I read sociology, materials that deconstruct and avidly critique the larger socioeconomic context that individual lives unfold within. I further read economics and matters having to do with education in a post-secondary vein. These are further blended with materials that critique trends equating to global economic integration and structural economic change in particular, and much else that simply presents itself in surprising and unsurprising ways. One 'sees' in 7D if you will, noticing context where others flat fail to...
Pretending to voice the unvoiced on the part of my therapist, perhaps stating matters such will ease understanding. Reduced to a few syllables versus my usual torrent of words, perhaps Mike is unhappy because Mike's perceptions are faulty and he should believe in happiness for most others do. I (sic) am relatively happy for I've (sic) found some measure of success and happiness for my orientation and adaptation to the choices and opportunities afforded by life, you haven't, hence I'm (sic) surely correct! End of debate, for can you not detect the clear inadequacies of your fitful adaptation which has patentedly failed?
My retort might go like this. At some point I lost contact with the nontraumatized world and those better insulated from the currents of change for my isolation. I don't know how to get back, and worry that I might never. Pretending that I'm O.K. for doing without (construed however across felt lacks) is almost impossible. Continuing, for my readings the sense of difference between myself and where I perceive so many others to be seems ever starker, whereas it is my conviction that if more individuals read the materials I read, there would be a great deal more texture to 'our' collective relationships, and even for my interpersonal inadequacies, more 'shared' and in a societal sense for embrace/engagement of issues, more involvement and a higher tone overall regarding public discourse, debate, etc.
Summed up in a few words, 'they' would likely be a bit more like myself if 'they' were to undertake the study of some matters that would almost certainly engage all on some level. For long investment I really don't view this as equating to narcissism, but rather an amplification of my basic loneliness affixed atop my trauma legacies. Pursuit of a Ph.D. might draw me closer to 'life', but hard really to hold out for a theoretical circumstance when loneliness and need is ever-present and seemingly inescapable.
Advice to 'not let matters bother me', to 'compartmentalize', to 'hold out', mean very little indeed when some over-filled compartments leak trauma into other compartments (i.e. poor boundaries), whereas compartments that otherwise would allow me to recharge and take stock (the human stuff of social networks, identity and emotional resiliency) are frankly empty and/or unoccupied. This I don't believe she possesses the capability of appreciating. My therapist seems to imagine that for the suffering 'caused' by my searching (however construed), that the logical thing to do is to stop searching and thus 'turn OFF' the suffering in reasoned cognitive/behavioral sense. Understand that I just think this strategy is so limited given I can't 'dump' awareness and have the greatest trouble desensitizing myself to involuntary PTSD triggers and PTSD/amygdala hijacking/recall.
I believe that someone who tends to their own garden exclusively and cannot be strictly bothered to explore in detail macro matters isn't a more compelling person or a better authority for skipping content. In particular, I'm quite frustrated for her belief that her educated perceptions (of one person rooted in what seems one discipline) obviates the need to question the very basis of adjustment therapies. Where is the humanistic and existentialist strain/awareness when it is most needed?
I think I'm heartbroken then - as though years of reading quite good literature at the rate of maybe forty to seventy titles per year has no strict validity by the standards of someone not strictly in the thrall of PTSD and largely invested in one discipline. I think this constitutes the best way I can put it. I don't want to live without my studies, and I really haven't much honest linkage to the nonreading and in particular, the nontraumatized world. Thanks for reading this sprawler of a message. Very sad at present...
M.
Worried and unhappy. Same therapist, same cognitive behavioral stress testing misfire again this day - and I really don't know what to do. Clearly my therapist subscribes deeply to the validity of cognitive behavioral/adjustment model, and yet it seems an inadequate and patentedly limited approach in relation to what I have difficultly forgetting meshed to the materials that I read. My experiences of trauma prompted me to invest what materials I've consumed, whereas untangling such doesn't strictly seem in the cards.
What am I saying then? Imagine a legacy of socioemotional isolation mixed with a history of emotional abuse and bullying across circumstances. Imagine further that someone such as myself would reach for better written works consistent with developing a textured understanding of various issues rooted in what I'll term activist literature. This would include the review of both historical and contemporary social criticism that would help someone lend reasoned meaning to past suffering, but also heighten sensitivity to matters afloat just about everywhere consistent with being alert and 'involved'.
Lastly, appreciate that for many years indeed I took pride in avidly developing my capacity to apply knowledge gleaned from the study of this topic or that to effectively lend context to very unpleasant traumatic recall. I felt I wasn't alive if I couldn't lend special interpretation to what I experienced, and felt ever greater distance build between myself and others. Affording the reader above a basically undefended critique of myself and my motives, appreciate that my therapist believes that I don't want to change, that my adapation is clearly dysfunctional, and that I resist all efforts to reconsider my impressions and interpretations about much. I'm 'fighting', 'noncooperative', and surely 'resistant'.
The anger does indeed well within me. That normative range experience of much has been afforded to her consistent with being safe, loved, understood, etc. is of course a very good thing for her (how could I contest such?), but please do not judge my perceptions - especially those reinforced and explored in detail for my efforts to read and experiment. I read psychology, but so too do I read sociology, materials that deconstruct and avidly critique the larger socioeconomic context that individual lives unfold within. I further read economics and matters having to do with education in a post-secondary vein. These are further blended with materials that critique trends equating to global economic integration and structural economic change in particular, and much else that simply presents itself in surprising and unsurprising ways. One 'sees' in 7D if you will, noticing context where others flat fail to...
Pretending to voice the unvoiced on the part of my therapist, perhaps stating matters such will ease understanding. Reduced to a few syllables versus my usual torrent of words, perhaps Mike is unhappy because Mike's perceptions are faulty and he should believe in happiness for most others do. I (sic) am relatively happy for I've (sic) found some measure of success and happiness for my orientation and adaptation to the choices and opportunities afforded by life, you haven't, hence I'm (sic) surely correct! End of debate, for can you not detect the clear inadequacies of your fitful adaptation which has patentedly failed?
My retort might go like this. At some point I lost contact with the nontraumatized world and those better insulated from the currents of change for my isolation. I don't know how to get back, and worry that I might never. Pretending that I'm O.K. for doing without (construed however across felt lacks) is almost impossible. Continuing, for my readings the sense of difference between myself and where I perceive so many others to be seems ever starker, whereas it is my conviction that if more individuals read the materials I read, there would be a great deal more texture to 'our' collective relationships, and even for my interpersonal inadequacies, more 'shared' and in a societal sense for embrace/engagement of issues, more involvement and a higher tone overall regarding public discourse, debate, etc.
Summed up in a few words, 'they' would likely be a bit more like myself if 'they' were to undertake the study of some matters that would almost certainly engage all on some level. For long investment I really don't view this as equating to narcissism, but rather an amplification of my basic loneliness affixed atop my trauma legacies. Pursuit of a Ph.D. might draw me closer to 'life', but hard really to hold out for a theoretical circumstance when loneliness and need is ever-present and seemingly inescapable.
Advice to 'not let matters bother me', to 'compartmentalize', to 'hold out', mean very little indeed when some over-filled compartments leak trauma into other compartments (i.e. poor boundaries), whereas compartments that otherwise would allow me to recharge and take stock (the human stuff of social networks, identity and emotional resiliency) are frankly empty and/or unoccupied. This I don't believe she possesses the capability of appreciating. My therapist seems to imagine that for the suffering 'caused' by my searching (however construed), that the logical thing to do is to stop searching and thus 'turn OFF' the suffering in reasoned cognitive/behavioral sense. Understand that I just think this strategy is so limited given I can't 'dump' awareness and have the greatest trouble desensitizing myself to involuntary PTSD triggers and PTSD/amygdala hijacking/recall.
I believe that someone who tends to their own garden exclusively and cannot be strictly bothered to explore in detail macro matters isn't a more compelling person or a better authority for skipping content. In particular, I'm quite frustrated for her belief that her educated perceptions (of one person rooted in what seems one discipline) obviates the need to question the very basis of adjustment therapies. Where is the humanistic and existentialist strain/awareness when it is most needed?
I think I'm heartbroken then - as though years of reading quite good literature at the rate of maybe forty to seventy titles per year has no strict validity by the standards of someone not strictly in the thrall of PTSD and largely invested in one discipline. I think this constitutes the best way I can put it. I don't want to live without my studies, and I really haven't much honest linkage to the nonreading and in particular, the nontraumatized world. Thanks for reading this sprawler of a message. Very sad at present...
M.
- Post starter
- #27
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
I'm sorry - short follow up,
I've read that some who see therapists desire only a narcissistic mirror; i.e. someone that reflects back what a person who feels entitled and highly critical of others (i.e. loathing self all the while) only what they want to see/hear. In short - no therapeutic process is so much in motion, but rather what is visible is the debris trail of the needs of a selfish person seeking uncritical justification for that which they do and perceive.
Again if you will, the narcissist seeks out a therapist but absent the will or evidencing reasoned inclination to 'change' results in a rather useless and counter-productive stasis. Most who are able to abstract away from such a dynamic would recognize this as corrosive and unhelpful, whereas I too would declare it as nothing I would want. I don't want a 'You're so COOL!' cheerleader if the reader might understand. I would ask in such a circumstance - what of my fathomless pain, and how am I to contain such?
I don't think that I would ever strictly want this, although please appreciate that to be told that "...you're not interested in changing" when only cognitive behavioral tools and concepts apart and away from other topic knowledge and communicated from a normative ocean of calm by another isn't strictly what I require either. I really don't want occupy a world where intellectual pursuits seem aberrant, where I can't strictly speak of much that I embrace, and in particular - where mixing painful reflection with some rather intense and eye-opening literature just screams that so many seem utterly asleep. I can't celebrate so many seeming asleep, whereas some conception of a 'special status' carries near-zero weight when the experience of isolation feels so total. In particular, there has to be some middle ground - musn't there be?
It so seems another variation on the theme of 'SNAP OUT OF IT!' which is advice that has been suffered before by this writer for being identified as 'disinterested in change'. What does one strictly do when even if there are no internal voices repeating themes consistent with an attitude of hopelessness, that one nevertheless feels a vacuum inside and longs for conversation/comfort/companionship/comradeship(!)/connection that trauma deeply interwoven with the experience of years of scholarly reading turns up as identity heads or tails? Why does she believe I can just throw a switch and believe in happy adjustment, friends, relationships, etc. when such is not within sight and must be vividly imagined ABSENT or via strictly curtailed heavy identification with the topical material I hold so dear? Just HOPE! Just compartmentalize! Just don't let it bother you! Why can I write such and not believe even for not voicing or writing words consistent with derailing the curative power of HOPE?
I related to my psychologist that for some stigma suffered a few days ago that I was really stung. I didn't quite expect it, and hence was exceedingly hurt by such. She imagined I could have expected it, and that my combined feeling of fear of the other party, my contempt for the tone in evidence combined with my partial attitude of pity for the disfigurative stance of this pair of people equated again to some faulty adaptation to circumstance; i.e. a CB misfire. I supposed to be ironclad, expecting profound misunderstanding at every turn, with no need for human companionship, bulletproof and possessed of such blinding hopes consistent with the most controlled and contained expectations deferred that indeed I am Superman. It sure sounds nice - but I'm mortal and am succumbing to withering fire mixed with the most severe sense of isolation. Why do people in positions of comparative strength (i.e. a spouse, a spouse with a handsome income, 'live' in-person support on the level of someone invested at the same depth for interest they pursue in a complimentary or even analogous sense, etc.) so confidently tell us that we '...can take it!'. How on EARTH is this fair? Sorry - just very confused and upset this day...
M.
I've read that some who see therapists desire only a narcissistic mirror; i.e. someone that reflects back what a person who feels entitled and highly critical of others (i.e. loathing self all the while) only what they want to see/hear. In short - no therapeutic process is so much in motion, but rather what is visible is the debris trail of the needs of a selfish person seeking uncritical justification for that which they do and perceive.
Again if you will, the narcissist seeks out a therapist but absent the will or evidencing reasoned inclination to 'change' results in a rather useless and counter-productive stasis. Most who are able to abstract away from such a dynamic would recognize this as corrosive and unhelpful, whereas I too would declare it as nothing I would want. I don't want a 'You're so COOL!' cheerleader if the reader might understand. I would ask in such a circumstance - what of my fathomless pain, and how am I to contain such?
I don't think that I would ever strictly want this, although please appreciate that to be told that "...you're not interested in changing" when only cognitive behavioral tools and concepts apart and away from other topic knowledge and communicated from a normative ocean of calm by another isn't strictly what I require either. I really don't want occupy a world where intellectual pursuits seem aberrant, where I can't strictly speak of much that I embrace, and in particular - where mixing painful reflection with some rather intense and eye-opening literature just screams that so many seem utterly asleep. I can't celebrate so many seeming asleep, whereas some conception of a 'special status' carries near-zero weight when the experience of isolation feels so total. In particular, there has to be some middle ground - musn't there be?
It so seems another variation on the theme of 'SNAP OUT OF IT!' which is advice that has been suffered before by this writer for being identified as 'disinterested in change'. What does one strictly do when even if there are no internal voices repeating themes consistent with an attitude of hopelessness, that one nevertheless feels a vacuum inside and longs for conversation/comfort/companionship/comradeship(!)/connection that trauma deeply interwoven with the experience of years of scholarly reading turns up as identity heads or tails? Why does she believe I can just throw a switch and believe in happy adjustment, friends, relationships, etc. when such is not within sight and must be vividly imagined ABSENT or via strictly curtailed heavy identification with the topical material I hold so dear? Just HOPE! Just compartmentalize! Just don't let it bother you! Why can I write such and not believe even for not voicing or writing words consistent with derailing the curative power of HOPE?
I related to my psychologist that for some stigma suffered a few days ago that I was really stung. I didn't quite expect it, and hence was exceedingly hurt by such. She imagined I could have expected it, and that my combined feeling of fear of the other party, my contempt for the tone in evidence combined with my partial attitude of pity for the disfigurative stance of this pair of people equated again to some faulty adaptation to circumstance; i.e. a CB misfire. I supposed to be ironclad, expecting profound misunderstanding at every turn, with no need for human companionship, bulletproof and possessed of such blinding hopes consistent with the most controlled and contained expectations deferred that indeed I am Superman. It sure sounds nice - but I'm mortal and am succumbing to withering fire mixed with the most severe sense of isolation. Why do people in positions of comparative strength (i.e. a spouse, a spouse with a handsome income, 'live' in-person support on the level of someone invested at the same depth for interest they pursue in a complimentary or even analogous sense, etc.) so confidently tell us that we '...can take it!'. How on EARTH is this fair? Sorry - just very confused and upset this day...
M.
zaniara
Diamond Member
I'm sorry, but my PTSD makes it very difficult to read complicated texts, and I think you're far more intelligent than me in many ways. So I wasn't able to read all the text you wrote. (sorry..) But I just wonder.. Do you have Asperger syndrome? I don't mean to offend, but somehow you seem so very intelligent, but as if you might have difficulties "letting go" of the intellectual part and connect emotionally to things.
Of course that is difficult for most people with PTSD, but to heal from PTSD I have been "forced" to let go of my way of staying in the intellectual part of the brain(in my attempts to control things and the anxiety). To do that one can have to stop reading all along, wind down, stop debating or discussing stuff at all on a intellectual level for some time. Seeking quite time a lot. Not distraction in any form. To slow the brain down, so that the emotions can surface a bit more, and the therapist can actually help. Since a lot of the help a therapist can give has to do with healing those emotional wounds we have. - But if a person has Asperger syndrom "turning that part of the brain out" even for a second might be almost impossible.
I write this because I think it's important, and if you suffer from Asperger syndrome you might have to get some different kind of therapy then a person with "only PTSD". If you don't have it, you might have to go "the hard way" and stop feeding your intellectual part of the brain for a short period of time, for therapy to be actually helpful for you.
I had to stop debating with my therapist at one point and decide to try and trust him, despite the fact that I really don't trust anyone at all. It proved to be a smart thing to do, since he actually have been able to help me since that moment.
Of course that is difficult for most people with PTSD, but to heal from PTSD I have been "forced" to let go of my way of staying in the intellectual part of the brain(in my attempts to control things and the anxiety). To do that one can have to stop reading all along, wind down, stop debating or discussing stuff at all on a intellectual level for some time. Seeking quite time a lot. Not distraction in any form. To slow the brain down, so that the emotions can surface a bit more, and the therapist can actually help. Since a lot of the help a therapist can give has to do with healing those emotional wounds we have. - But if a person has Asperger syndrom "turning that part of the brain out" even for a second might be almost impossible.
I write this because I think it's important, and if you suffer from Asperger syndrome you might have to get some different kind of therapy then a person with "only PTSD". If you don't have it, you might have to go "the hard way" and stop feeding your intellectual part of the brain for a short period of time, for therapy to be actually helpful for you.
I had to stop debating with my therapist at one point and decide to try and trust him, despite the fact that I really don't trust anyone at all. It proved to be a smart thing to do, since he actually have been able to help me since that moment.
- Post starter
- #29
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Greetings,
At present I'm growing short of resources and need to secure work, hence time is running out. I've reviewed some materials in relation to Asperger Syndrome, and while some aspects of experience resonate, most do not. Social cues, etc. are read with fair accuracy, whereas while my interests are intense, they are varied across topics and periods. Reviewing self-diagnostic quizes found online and completing the same didn't suggest much at all, although the isolation felt is so powerful as is clear. Clearly I need to do more given that even some insights picked up for partial validity would be valued and constitute more than I've got at present...
I don't think trust my therapist for I don't believe or subscribe to her unspoken and yet subjective conception of CBT and the employment of the same. The shortcomings of comparative education and awareness really seems to hurt matters; i.e. what complex miasma of thoughts and feelings I've worked up contrasted to her conception of what the world is about. I respect the personal validity of her experiences in specific relation to the life she has lived, although I cannot place faith in anyone (or so it would seem) at present.
My therapist imagines I'm evidencing repressive tendencies and denial that I wish to communicate freely with them for I wish to be them. This summation is accurate to a point given I do want to talk to people, I do wish to be part of something, and I surely wish to break the isolation. This said and controlled sharply for circumstance - I don't want to be THEM! A fair number of scenes and activities have been partaken off, although 'a place' or 'a spot' hasn't really been secured even if for visually checking in on me, it would seem such has. Maybe a narcissistic defense certain to reinforce and harden the experience of felt isolation, but I just haven't been able to find my way in relation to what others typically value and/or esteem. Their world is logically coherent and self-reinforcing, but I don't strictly identify with that world.
I think what others might define as balance I perceive as a lack of focus consistent with doing anything so very important. The wild resentment I feel surely has roots in the horrible imbalance I feel for not having the basic comfort(s) most others have in part in a socioemotional sense, whereas I overcompensate for reading, for academic study. To ease back the study still leaves me alone, and even less well defended it seems (at times) for nothing pours in to fill the vacuum. That my therapist isn't really disposed to chase down materials to expand awareness across topics but for the professional training she might modestly build upon isn't something I fully understand in truth.
The trauma (variously manifest even if it didn't strictly leave a physical trace) impacted me, although the materials I've read have seemingly become part of my identity/foundation and even if I 'stop', memories and some conception of knowledge form points of reference that do not strictly fade (for myself anyways). For years what opinions and views I've read have formed the only stuff of conversation that plays within my mind; i.e. I see something, and a cluster of titles and the voices of those writers/authors/authorities weigh in to the extent of being cued and contrasted to what is before me. I didn't really have appropriate peer support for long, hence the books made up for a sense of loss that otherwise may not have been so acutely felt.
My parents are dead, there is no significant other in my life, no children, no discernable career at this moment, while what friends I have are invested in a hobby interest that in truth does have the quality of a Asperger obsession. If anything, my strong dissatisfaction with the life course of people invested in this hobby interest prompted me to take stock of my life to the extent of my not wishing to dissociate by way of it forever. Relaxation is difficult for context of some form or other is always afforded in relation to my past reading, prompting feverish recall consistent with making 'something of it'.
At present I'm growing short of resources and need to secure work, hence time is running out. I've reviewed some materials in relation to Asperger Syndrome, and while some aspects of experience resonate, most do not. Social cues, etc. are read with fair accuracy, whereas while my interests are intense, they are varied across topics and periods. Reviewing self-diagnostic quizes found online and completing the same didn't suggest much at all, although the isolation felt is so powerful as is clear. Clearly I need to do more given that even some insights picked up for partial validity would be valued and constitute more than I've got at present...
I don't think trust my therapist for I don't believe or subscribe to her unspoken and yet subjective conception of CBT and the employment of the same. The shortcomings of comparative education and awareness really seems to hurt matters; i.e. what complex miasma of thoughts and feelings I've worked up contrasted to her conception of what the world is about. I respect the personal validity of her experiences in specific relation to the life she has lived, although I cannot place faith in anyone (or so it would seem) at present.
My therapist imagines I'm evidencing repressive tendencies and denial that I wish to communicate freely with them for I wish to be them. This summation is accurate to a point given I do want to talk to people, I do wish to be part of something, and I surely wish to break the isolation. This said and controlled sharply for circumstance - I don't want to be THEM! A fair number of scenes and activities have been partaken off, although 'a place' or 'a spot' hasn't really been secured even if for visually checking in on me, it would seem such has. Maybe a narcissistic defense certain to reinforce and harden the experience of felt isolation, but I just haven't been able to find my way in relation to what others typically value and/or esteem. Their world is logically coherent and self-reinforcing, but I don't strictly identify with that world.
I think what others might define as balance I perceive as a lack of focus consistent with doing anything so very important. The wild resentment I feel surely has roots in the horrible imbalance I feel for not having the basic comfort(s) most others have in part in a socioemotional sense, whereas I overcompensate for reading, for academic study. To ease back the study still leaves me alone, and even less well defended it seems (at times) for nothing pours in to fill the vacuum. That my therapist isn't really disposed to chase down materials to expand awareness across topics but for the professional training she might modestly build upon isn't something I fully understand in truth.
The trauma (variously manifest even if it didn't strictly leave a physical trace) impacted me, although the materials I've read have seemingly become part of my identity/foundation and even if I 'stop', memories and some conception of knowledge form points of reference that do not strictly fade (for myself anyways). For years what opinions and views I've read have formed the only stuff of conversation that plays within my mind; i.e. I see something, and a cluster of titles and the voices of those writers/authors/authorities weigh in to the extent of being cued and contrasted to what is before me. I didn't really have appropriate peer support for long, hence the books made up for a sense of loss that otherwise may not have been so acutely felt.
My parents are dead, there is no significant other in my life, no children, no discernable career at this moment, while what friends I have are invested in a hobby interest that in truth does have the quality of a Asperger obsession. If anything, my strong dissatisfaction with the life course of people invested in this hobby interest prompted me to take stock of my life to the extent of my not wishing to dissociate by way of it forever. Relaxation is difficult for context of some form or other is always afforded in relation to my past reading, prompting feverish recall consistent with making 'something of it'.
I love your username: Resilientbibliophile. I am one too. I found my escape in texts and came out with a stronger vocabulary for it, but came out of my trauma with great difficulty using all the beautiful words I'd learned to convey my emotional reality, and to stay grounded. I've found that writing about emotionally laden topics to my therapist in short essays has helped me connect better, because I can have some control, and also enjoy my own rhythm, which helps me make the emotional attachment to the events I write about. I'm sorry you're lonely and not feeling connected with anyone. Wish we could do coffee, although sounds like neither one of us needs the caffeine. I do some career counseling- if you want to send me a message with your resume attached (no names or addresses needed, you can keep it completely anonymous) and a sample listing of the type of job you feel qualified for, I would be happy to review it, if you think that would be helpful. Best of luck with everything!
- Post starter
- #31
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Thank you each for the kind and invested feedback,
I've gathered a copy of Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome from 2008 which seems the trusted introductory treatment at present. The John Elder Robison titles might be sampled down the line, but seem more celebratory memoirs plus affirmative Aspergian (can I say such?) content for those who rock the world via crystalline high function. I can write, although I'm not sure what else I can really do...
Indeed, books and film have long substituted for the emotional life content that hasn't been secured or afforded. What relationships have been had were highly tumultuous for I know I was at pains to demonstrate emotional maturity, etc. within a brief succession of circumstances. I become a riddle to people, whereas some odd behaviors I evidence could reasonably be explained as the deformative result of one long isolated. Why does he do that? More often than I'd care to relate, usually the answer equates to my not knowing better!
Two short stories then. A recent visit to a Coney Island, staff generally young, relaxed and kind. Day of the Oklahoma City tornado, the same witnessed on television screen elevated somewhat. The crew there spoke of the usual late-teen and early-20's stuff as it is manifest in this largely blue-collar/working class area. I guess my loneliness took hold and I engaged some very young waitress in conversation regarding educational pathways, degree completion rates across area post-secondary schools, etc. Another of her workmates was close by, whereas I think at some point I must have voiced aloud the word 'beautiful' for in particular this other waitress undoubtedly was. Upon leaving I quite deliberately waited for a crush of employees to be around the cash register, whereupon her half-giggling colleagues fled voicing what they'd overheard me say to leave her alone to see to my bill. She was a normal person, not patronizing, without desire to afford me an experience of stigma - just someone I would have loved to have met at a party when I was maybe nineteen years of age.
Fine really, a few moments of attraction and not a strict 'Mr. Creepy' rebuff for being a nonthreatening conversationalist - but just terrible to feel for the entire spectrum of what I might otherwise have experienced, roles played, mistakes made, tiny successes registered, etc. was entirely lost as a developmental thread for so very long. I feel a monster for being drawn to people that are as emotionally immature as myself, whereas I am a very delicate and interpersonally inexperienced man of no less than 43 years. If I could go back in time to be in an appropriately paced, equal experience (as in very little) relationship to have what most people fumble through at age 18-23 years, I would avidly do so. I can't afford the maturity and the polish required for something truly age-appropriate, and yet what to do? I'm not a predator, a wolf, or someone skilled in leveraging experience upon those less-endowed. I'm immature! Guilty as charged! Experiences desired NOT HAD! Mingling opportunities in junior high, high school and college NOT HAD! How terrible! It's a terrifically long story and not to be strictly revealed now...
Second story then. Hurting horribly right now in the wake of an interview with a very kind and decent man who quite quickly transformed himself into a loving uncle figure who in good faith couldn't hire me. So surprising this for he was concerned that a rough and tumble circumstance that I'd applied to would be patently too much for me to handle. The year could easily have been 1952 as this man carefully and very astutely explained how people treat each other quite awfully and insensitively in the environment, that the place was a repository of psychological types adapted to manual labor sans interpersonal skill development and/or consciousness, etc. He spoke of how many amongst him vanished into shop class and only emerged in a place such as this, whereas dissatisfaction and unalloyed pressure was applied to all persons at all times within the circumstance. I think I rated as 'too delicate, too intellectual, too white-collar', but for this said I cannot help but register the concern and love afforded me right then. I do read social cues with some accuracy, although other aspects of A.S. will be 'tried on for size' given it is a spectrum disorder and aspects of this or that may be manifest differently within a person. Sorry to drone - just sad and really exhausted. I wish it weren't so...
M.
I've gathered a copy of Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome from 2008 which seems the trusted introductory treatment at present. The John Elder Robison titles might be sampled down the line, but seem more celebratory memoirs plus affirmative Aspergian (can I say such?) content for those who rock the world via crystalline high function. I can write, although I'm not sure what else I can really do...
Indeed, books and film have long substituted for the emotional life content that hasn't been secured or afforded. What relationships have been had were highly tumultuous for I know I was at pains to demonstrate emotional maturity, etc. within a brief succession of circumstances. I become a riddle to people, whereas some odd behaviors I evidence could reasonably be explained as the deformative result of one long isolated. Why does he do that? More often than I'd care to relate, usually the answer equates to my not knowing better!
Two short stories then. A recent visit to a Coney Island, staff generally young, relaxed and kind. Day of the Oklahoma City tornado, the same witnessed on television screen elevated somewhat. The crew there spoke of the usual late-teen and early-20's stuff as it is manifest in this largely blue-collar/working class area. I guess my loneliness took hold and I engaged some very young waitress in conversation regarding educational pathways, degree completion rates across area post-secondary schools, etc. Another of her workmates was close by, whereas I think at some point I must have voiced aloud the word 'beautiful' for in particular this other waitress undoubtedly was. Upon leaving I quite deliberately waited for a crush of employees to be around the cash register, whereupon her half-giggling colleagues fled voicing what they'd overheard me say to leave her alone to see to my bill. She was a normal person, not patronizing, without desire to afford me an experience of stigma - just someone I would have loved to have met at a party when I was maybe nineteen years of age.
Fine really, a few moments of attraction and not a strict 'Mr. Creepy' rebuff for being a nonthreatening conversationalist - but just terrible to feel for the entire spectrum of what I might otherwise have experienced, roles played, mistakes made, tiny successes registered, etc. was entirely lost as a developmental thread for so very long. I feel a monster for being drawn to people that are as emotionally immature as myself, whereas I am a very delicate and interpersonally inexperienced man of no less than 43 years. If I could go back in time to be in an appropriately paced, equal experience (as in very little) relationship to have what most people fumble through at age 18-23 years, I would avidly do so. I can't afford the maturity and the polish required for something truly age-appropriate, and yet what to do? I'm not a predator, a wolf, or someone skilled in leveraging experience upon those less-endowed. I'm immature! Guilty as charged! Experiences desired NOT HAD! Mingling opportunities in junior high, high school and college NOT HAD! How terrible! It's a terrifically long story and not to be strictly revealed now...
Second story then. Hurting horribly right now in the wake of an interview with a very kind and decent man who quite quickly transformed himself into a loving uncle figure who in good faith couldn't hire me. So surprising this for he was concerned that a rough and tumble circumstance that I'd applied to would be patently too much for me to handle. The year could easily have been 1952 as this man carefully and very astutely explained how people treat each other quite awfully and insensitively in the environment, that the place was a repository of psychological types adapted to manual labor sans interpersonal skill development and/or consciousness, etc. He spoke of how many amongst him vanished into shop class and only emerged in a place such as this, whereas dissatisfaction and unalloyed pressure was applied to all persons at all times within the circumstance. I think I rated as 'too delicate, too intellectual, too white-collar', but for this said I cannot help but register the concern and love afforded me right then. I do read social cues with some accuracy, although other aspects of A.S. will be 'tried on for size' given it is a spectrum disorder and aspects of this or that may be manifest differently within a person. Sorry to drone - just sad and really exhausted. I wish it weren't so...
M.
- Post starter
- #32
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Hello,
About eighty pages into the Attwood title (yes - double 't's), whereas I believe zaniara is very likely correct. Undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome across my youth, combined later with some conception of socialization/justification of felt difference for reading sociological works that amplified rage felt within and exacerbated (while also informing the content of) tendencies to disrespect boundaries premised in part on my limited ability to interpret social cues, etc. At some early point no one possessed of an educated viewpoint was strictly observing me, whereas the tools I reached for were upon reflection more the material of macro social criticism versus rudimentary tools that might otherwise have been employed to iron out inconsistencies in my presentation, my capacity to read social cues, and in my ability to form and maintain relationships.
The Attwood title is well-written and a fair primer of sorts, albeit as other reviewers online have noted, the writer is focused more on the childhood experience of AS and what astute, educated and highly-invested parents can do if they are so-inclined to aid and assist little ones so-afflicted. Such could never have afforded within my childhood home, although understand that few classical symptoms - or at least those that might open or close the chapter of an AS book really come to mind. It would surprise no one to relate here that I was an intense and deeply introspect child with few friends, or that I pursued pet interests with uncompromising avidity - sigh...
What seems especially sad is that I for reading materials online regarding occupational fit for adults with AS, one will see libraries and library work pop up now and again. For knowledge of what such is about, I'd try to steer those so-intrigued towards cataloging and technical service library work as contrasted to full-on reference work amidst staff, etc. given that it was too much for me to handle. I think for reading sociology and left of center/progressive political works that I identified closely with those people who function comparatively well in the social sphere. I wanted to be a leader irrespective of weak beginnings, irrespective of the isolation suffered for so very long.
The rough and tumble aspects of political science didn't appeal even as I collected an undergraduate degree in such, whereas I feel I backed into a graduate library and information science degree program hoping I could hide out and somehow assume the protective coloration of a good citizen. For some unpleasant combination of factors mixing trauma with again what was likely undiagnosed AS, deficiencies were fitfully addressed with tools and concepts lifted from my intense reading rather than shaped, influenced and guided by professionals earlier in my life who may have been better prepared to help. My age and what was then identified as 'state-of-the-art' knowledge and awareness of AS in full truth likely precluded ready or right diagnosis, whereas I've definitely been one to reconfigure felt difference into an identity to fight for even as I've absorbed a great deal of punishment and isolation for being so rigid.
Another complication of a sort that I evidence is a tendency to ponder and discount aspects of what might be occuring within my life for nondisclosure, for people taking me at my word on basis of a reasoned belief that if I say 'it's so' or claim that such 'hasn't application' that they may be excused from exploring matters further. Did I push away care? I'm not sure. Many of the childhood classical elements of AS seem to this writer to have limited application, and yet tonally and for the wreckage that surrounds me at present it is difficult to deny that aspects ring true.
I'm pleased to note that some discreet volume of AS work search/occupational fit/strengths and weaknesses debate and discussion can be found online and likely in print besides. This something, whereas little I've read strictly bars contemplation of 'serious' (it's o.k. you can laugh!) topics and/or the pursuit of a Ph.D. I have to find pathways to reasoned occupational function in league with being someone who is high functioning but nevertheless in the thrall of unpleasant aspects of AS.
I'm now wondering again about my psychologist. Trauma and CBT is definitely her thing, and yet I just don't know if I can bear to hear accusations consistent with my "...not desiring to change" anymore. It just doesn't seem to work, again I'm not asking for a narcissistic mirror, whereas again I can't help but greatly resent what I'll term single-discipline/CBT heavy/nontraumatized normative experience shortcomings when I detect them. I'm not strictly sure I've retained (or even developed) the capacity to trust anyone for the nonparenting afforded across my childhood and the yawning gap between the quality of what I read and the circumstantial tone on the streets. Thanks...
M.
About eighty pages into the Attwood title (yes - double 't's), whereas I believe zaniara is very likely correct. Undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome across my youth, combined later with some conception of socialization/justification of felt difference for reading sociological works that amplified rage felt within and exacerbated (while also informing the content of) tendencies to disrespect boundaries premised in part on my limited ability to interpret social cues, etc. At some early point no one possessed of an educated viewpoint was strictly observing me, whereas the tools I reached for were upon reflection more the material of macro social criticism versus rudimentary tools that might otherwise have been employed to iron out inconsistencies in my presentation, my capacity to read social cues, and in my ability to form and maintain relationships.
The Attwood title is well-written and a fair primer of sorts, albeit as other reviewers online have noted, the writer is focused more on the childhood experience of AS and what astute, educated and highly-invested parents can do if they are so-inclined to aid and assist little ones so-afflicted. Such could never have afforded within my childhood home, although understand that few classical symptoms - or at least those that might open or close the chapter of an AS book really come to mind. It would surprise no one to relate here that I was an intense and deeply introspect child with few friends, or that I pursued pet interests with uncompromising avidity - sigh...
What seems especially sad is that I for reading materials online regarding occupational fit for adults with AS, one will see libraries and library work pop up now and again. For knowledge of what such is about, I'd try to steer those so-intrigued towards cataloging and technical service library work as contrasted to full-on reference work amidst staff, etc. given that it was too much for me to handle. I think for reading sociology and left of center/progressive political works that I identified closely with those people who function comparatively well in the social sphere. I wanted to be a leader irrespective of weak beginnings, irrespective of the isolation suffered for so very long.
The rough and tumble aspects of political science didn't appeal even as I collected an undergraduate degree in such, whereas I feel I backed into a graduate library and information science degree program hoping I could hide out and somehow assume the protective coloration of a good citizen. For some unpleasant combination of factors mixing trauma with again what was likely undiagnosed AS, deficiencies were fitfully addressed with tools and concepts lifted from my intense reading rather than shaped, influenced and guided by professionals earlier in my life who may have been better prepared to help. My age and what was then identified as 'state-of-the-art' knowledge and awareness of AS in full truth likely precluded ready or right diagnosis, whereas I've definitely been one to reconfigure felt difference into an identity to fight for even as I've absorbed a great deal of punishment and isolation for being so rigid.
Another complication of a sort that I evidence is a tendency to ponder and discount aspects of what might be occuring within my life for nondisclosure, for people taking me at my word on basis of a reasoned belief that if I say 'it's so' or claim that such 'hasn't application' that they may be excused from exploring matters further. Did I push away care? I'm not sure. Many of the childhood classical elements of AS seem to this writer to have limited application, and yet tonally and for the wreckage that surrounds me at present it is difficult to deny that aspects ring true.
I'm pleased to note that some discreet volume of AS work search/occupational fit/strengths and weaknesses debate and discussion can be found online and likely in print besides. This something, whereas little I've read strictly bars contemplation of 'serious' (it's o.k. you can laugh!) topics and/or the pursuit of a Ph.D. I have to find pathways to reasoned occupational function in league with being someone who is high functioning but nevertheless in the thrall of unpleasant aspects of AS.
I'm now wondering again about my psychologist. Trauma and CBT is definitely her thing, and yet I just don't know if I can bear to hear accusations consistent with my "...not desiring to change" anymore. It just doesn't seem to work, again I'm not asking for a narcissistic mirror, whereas again I can't help but greatly resent what I'll term single-discipline/CBT heavy/nontraumatized normative experience shortcomings when I detect them. I'm not strictly sure I've retained (or even developed) the capacity to trust anyone for the nonparenting afforded across my childhood and the yawning gap between the quality of what I read and the circumstantial tone on the streets. Thanks...
M.
fyredrift23
Bronze Member
Hello RB!
It's late, so I'll make this short, but I just wanted to say that I hear where you're coming from. :)
For the record, I don't think you have AS. I think you went through a lot in your early years that made it very challenging for your young mind to relate to others. It also sounds like you felt a lot of lonliness and pain growing up (still do, :( ) and found solice in books. Books seem like they were a major source of strength and support for you (still are!).
I think that you missed certain interpersonal experiences that a lot of your peers seem to have had, and this caused a sort of social/developmental deficit, if you will. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It sounds like your natural proclivity towards books and learning about complex ideas and expanding your mind in this way was heavily strengthened due to your experiences.
I can understand how separated you must have felt and still feel. I don't think you're trying to "be like them" or that you're envious. I think you just need to mourn the young you that didn't get the same social chances as those around you. That muat have hurt you so much! And you are still hurting :(
I'm not advocating you "let go" of any "animosity" or whatever b.s. your T. came up with, lol. I'm saying to allow yourself to be with and comfort that "young you" who grew up to BE you. There were things you wanted and truly needed (like any normal boy!) and, unfortunately, you did not get enough.
However, that doesn't mean you're doomed to make awkward conversation with 19-yr-olds for years to come, lol. Just give yourself time and room to make mistakes, stumble, succeed, and grow :)
I agree with others who posted how you looking into school is a great idea. You acknowledged and asserted this need yourself! I hope (there's that word again, lol) that things go well and that you can connect with a vibrant community half as cerebral as you are ;)
Also, if you can and you so desire, see a different therapist!! She just isn't working for you, she doesn't understand you, and she's not making effective efforts to change any of this for the better. You've talked about how she hasn't helped more than how she has! Bad sign, man! Trauma bg or no, you definitely need and deserve to work with someone who appreciates and encourages your intelligence and thirst for knowledge. You are a very complex gentleman (the best kind there is!), and whoever you work with needs to get this and work hard at getting you.
On a side note, what you said and discussed about the need for and very positive benefit of continuing school really encouraged me :)
I applied to an MSW program, and, if I'm accepted, I'll start this fall! Lately, I've been feeling this strong urge/need to pursue a masters, be a student again (full-time, ideally!). I thought it was weird and silly, and I thought I was crazy. I didn't know someone ELSE found great comfort in the halls of academia, too! So, thanks so much for sharing that, I truly enjoyed reading about you :D
Anyways, I hoped some of that helped!
It's late, so I'll make this short, but I just wanted to say that I hear where you're coming from. :)
For the record, I don't think you have AS. I think you went through a lot in your early years that made it very challenging for your young mind to relate to others. It also sounds like you felt a lot of lonliness and pain growing up (still do, :( ) and found solice in books. Books seem like they were a major source of strength and support for you (still are!).
I think that you missed certain interpersonal experiences that a lot of your peers seem to have had, and this caused a sort of social/developmental deficit, if you will. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It sounds like your natural proclivity towards books and learning about complex ideas and expanding your mind in this way was heavily strengthened due to your experiences.
I can understand how separated you must have felt and still feel. I don't think you're trying to "be like them" or that you're envious. I think you just need to mourn the young you that didn't get the same social chances as those around you. That muat have hurt you so much! And you are still hurting :(
I'm not advocating you "let go" of any "animosity" or whatever b.s. your T. came up with, lol. I'm saying to allow yourself to be with and comfort that "young you" who grew up to BE you. There were things you wanted and truly needed (like any normal boy!) and, unfortunately, you did not get enough.
However, that doesn't mean you're doomed to make awkward conversation with 19-yr-olds for years to come, lol. Just give yourself time and room to make mistakes, stumble, succeed, and grow :)
I agree with others who posted how you looking into school is a great idea. You acknowledged and asserted this need yourself! I hope (there's that word again, lol) that things go well and that you can connect with a vibrant community half as cerebral as you are ;)
Also, if you can and you so desire, see a different therapist!! She just isn't working for you, she doesn't understand you, and she's not making effective efforts to change any of this for the better. You've talked about how she hasn't helped more than how she has! Bad sign, man! Trauma bg or no, you definitely need and deserve to work with someone who appreciates and encourages your intelligence and thirst for knowledge. You are a very complex gentleman (the best kind there is!), and whoever you work with needs to get this and work hard at getting you.
On a side note, what you said and discussed about the need for and very positive benefit of continuing school really encouraged me :)
I applied to an MSW program, and, if I'm accepted, I'll start this fall! Lately, I've been feeling this strong urge/need to pursue a masters, be a student again (full-time, ideally!). I thought it was weird and silly, and I thought I was crazy. I didn't know someone ELSE found great comfort in the halls of academia, too! So, thanks so much for sharing that, I truly enjoyed reading about you :D
Anyways, I hoped some of that helped!
Hi,
Please excuse any misunderstandings as my concentration levels these days are close to zero and I have not read everything here and have rather skimmed though it. I also remember some of your first posts on here.
If you go with your gut instincts do you really think you are on the AS spectrum? I truly think all you describe could very easily exist without that being so.
For me what was important was to be able to come out of that gradually. What occurs to me is that your t sounds very CBT in her approach and she is confronting this and dismantling it. And that that is leaving you feeling undermined and misunderstood as a human being.
I wonder if a less directive approach of therapy may help you more. One where you are made to feel that your choice of coping was adaptive and clever and that you can both acknowledge that whilst working on broadening your horizons. To trust in having less control over your emotional world and to trust in engaging with the others more freely.
There is a big difference between lack of experience/practice, fear of emotions and relationships and resultant over reliance on fact and the written word, and not having the capacity to read emotional and interpersonal cues.
Please excuse any misunderstandings as my concentration levels these days are close to zero and I have not read everything here and have rather skimmed though it. I also remember some of your first posts on here.
If you go with your gut instincts do you really think you are on the AS spectrum? I truly think all you describe could very easily exist without that being so.
If I am understanding correctly then you consider aspects of your life and then hide them. Is that correct?
I have done this too and we are not alone. It makes perfect sense to find some validation and companionship when other sources are not available.
For me what was important was to be able to come out of that gradually. What occurs to me is that your t sounds very CBT in her approach and she is confronting this and dismantling it. And that that is leaving you feeling undermined and misunderstood as a human being.
I wonder if a less directive approach of therapy may help you more. One where you are made to feel that your choice of coping was adaptive and clever and that you can both acknowledge that whilst working on broadening your horizons. To trust in having less control over your emotional world and to trust in engaging with the others more freely.
I am not sure if I understand. Were you spending great energy and attention on appearing emotionally mature and grown up rather than engaging emotionally in the relationship?
I truly don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. From others perspective. I understand that from your perspective it is a painful place to find yourself. I just do think that there are plenty of people who would be perfectly OK with this being where you are in your life.
This is interesting to note.
There is a big difference between lack of experience/practice, fear of emotions and relationships and resultant over reliance on fact and the written word, and not having the capacity to read emotional and interpersonal cues.
- Post starter
- #35
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Hi everyone,
Thanks - I really didn't expect this thread to come alive again. I think I flirted with the idea of AS based upon a desire for community, a desire not to be left alone with an eclectic and not easily explained personal history. As an imaginative exercise I must say it was nice to review materials intended for AS sufferers that places agreeable emphasis upon refining out how to interact with others, that one might train to improve function, and furthermore, even if some aspects of personal function may not strictly evolve out in positive sense for persistent AS symptoms and AS impacted core functionality, that a way forward might be found nevertheless that both compensates and embraces an aspect of shared identity. Contrasted to the core sadness I feel for reviewing the existing PTSD literature, such seems a breath of fresh air and thus appeals if only because select reading undertaken seems so positive in tone.
In cooperation with my T., we agree that while there are some aspects of my presentation that coincide with one suffering from AS, I'm not strictly that. So long a very careful observer of social scenes and dynamics, but so infrequently a direct participant - and often a wash out for needs uncontained and maturational steps not quite cleared irrespective of my biological age = pain as all who read my words know.
For a short time measured in days I felt terrifically empowered by the AS materials to the extent that it seemed I'd chanced across a bustling convoy of trucks with tangible cargo on board intended to aid people in relation to making sense of the social world. How exciting this if nothing else! It was like chasing some assemblage of vehicles on the move to destination or destinations unknown, prompted by overwhelming need for the cargo fascinated. What literature I've read in relation to the topic of personal boundaries just isn't sophisticated enough for my tastes, hence ANYTHING that comes by in the guise of help carries with it interest that I feel helpless to contain within myself. Indeed - I quite endlessly mourn (borrowing from AS concepts and language here) a 'neurotypical' experience of adolescence, of young adulthood, etc. that was 'staffed' but not quite experienced. It hurts terribly... END OF PART I.
M.
Thanks - I really didn't expect this thread to come alive again. I think I flirted with the idea of AS based upon a desire for community, a desire not to be left alone with an eclectic and not easily explained personal history. As an imaginative exercise I must say it was nice to review materials intended for AS sufferers that places agreeable emphasis upon refining out how to interact with others, that one might train to improve function, and furthermore, even if some aspects of personal function may not strictly evolve out in positive sense for persistent AS symptoms and AS impacted core functionality, that a way forward might be found nevertheless that both compensates and embraces an aspect of shared identity. Contrasted to the core sadness I feel for reviewing the existing PTSD literature, such seems a breath of fresh air and thus appeals if only because select reading undertaken seems so positive in tone.
In cooperation with my T., we agree that while there are some aspects of my presentation that coincide with one suffering from AS, I'm not strictly that. So long a very careful observer of social scenes and dynamics, but so infrequently a direct participant - and often a wash out for needs uncontained and maturational steps not quite cleared irrespective of my biological age = pain as all who read my words know.
For a short time measured in days I felt terrifically empowered by the AS materials to the extent that it seemed I'd chanced across a bustling convoy of trucks with tangible cargo on board intended to aid people in relation to making sense of the social world. How exciting this if nothing else! It was like chasing some assemblage of vehicles on the move to destination or destinations unknown, prompted by overwhelming need for the cargo fascinated. What literature I've read in relation to the topic of personal boundaries just isn't sophisticated enough for my tastes, hence ANYTHING that comes by in the guise of help carries with it interest that I feel helpless to contain within myself. Indeed - I quite endlessly mourn (borrowing from AS concepts and language here) a 'neurotypical' experience of adolescence, of young adulthood, etc. that was 'staffed' but not quite experienced. It hurts terribly... END OF PART I.
M.
- Post starter
- #36
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Part II then...,
Not quite an aside, but there have been times when I almost wish that I could have been comfortable for embracing a homosexual identity given for circumstance all paths led there. Although the 1980's in the industrial Midwest hardly constituted a progressive environment to discover and assert a certain expression of core identity, at least my teenage friends would find peace as the culture moved and evolved with them. Most of the better advisors and counselers seen when I was of a particular age presumed 'what I couldn't articulate', not really understanding (not that I did) some of the circumstantial pressures (especially in combination) that weighed upon my case.
My older sisters in particular imagined whenever I had what I judge important news to share that I'd be relating a core secret that wasn't a secret to them - and yet how strange to report that this wasn't it! Pain, only pain seemed constant. I remember transferring to a rather expensive college situated in NYC, specifically Greenwich Village and being kindly supported by an academic advisor who was homosexual and in all likelihood was happy for me in part based upon the belief that there was no better place for a picture of repression to find himself and others. It's so hard when so many try to love, the signal is love, but the frequency is so clearly wrong. I can calmly note people were trying in their way to help, but they (and myself too!) didn't quite have sufficient awareness to guide me to where I needed to be.
The mid-1990's, especially if one viewed a great many art house/independent films, seemed a renaissance period in relation to the embrace of GLTB issues and identity. My whole life I'd been surrounded by those so-grounded, so-affiliated, and so-moved. For my reading of materials intended to expand and elaborate upon an activist identity, it would be wildly cruel and abhorrent to discriminate in any way, although in a odd sense I didn't have a sexual identity for experiences of trauma that are hard to pull together even now. Looking across the East Village in particular, I envied the proud and life-affirming display of multi-colored gay pride flags seen across rooftops - and yet it wasn't strictly 'my' victory. I just got ashes in relation to a youth not strictly lived. Memories of trace encounters, conversations, flirtations that were shut down for my feelings of profound shame, etc. Where is my victory?
I'm older now - not quite the Colonel Sanders figure seen in my avatar (it's Dwight MacDonald - a gifted social critic and very engaging and funny at that), but I just want to go back for it seems just so terribly hard to proceed forward absent what was missed. A short burst of activity across my very late thirties just confused me badly; i.e. an open marriage relation with a Ph.D. sociologist caught up in her own scarcely acknowledged trauma legacies consisting of emotional abandonment and rape suffered in her late teens. Mind bending physical intimacy not strictly rooted to emotional intimacy I crave and craved - seemingly a mistake then. For early days it was very appealing for it seemed I would be retrospectively afforded what I most desired - almost a college girlfriend experience of note with someone well-read, engaged, smart, well turned out - etc. And so soon to come completely off the rails while I could do nothing. SHE became obsessed - oh, what a horrific mess!
M.
End Part II then...
Not quite an aside, but there have been times when I almost wish that I could have been comfortable for embracing a homosexual identity given for circumstance all paths led there. Although the 1980's in the industrial Midwest hardly constituted a progressive environment to discover and assert a certain expression of core identity, at least my teenage friends would find peace as the culture moved and evolved with them. Most of the better advisors and counselers seen when I was of a particular age presumed 'what I couldn't articulate', not really understanding (not that I did) some of the circumstantial pressures (especially in combination) that weighed upon my case.
My older sisters in particular imagined whenever I had what I judge important news to share that I'd be relating a core secret that wasn't a secret to them - and yet how strange to report that this wasn't it! Pain, only pain seemed constant. I remember transferring to a rather expensive college situated in NYC, specifically Greenwich Village and being kindly supported by an academic advisor who was homosexual and in all likelihood was happy for me in part based upon the belief that there was no better place for a picture of repression to find himself and others. It's so hard when so many try to love, the signal is love, but the frequency is so clearly wrong. I can calmly note people were trying in their way to help, but they (and myself too!) didn't quite have sufficient awareness to guide me to where I needed to be.
The mid-1990's, especially if one viewed a great many art house/independent films, seemed a renaissance period in relation to the embrace of GLTB issues and identity. My whole life I'd been surrounded by those so-grounded, so-affiliated, and so-moved. For my reading of materials intended to expand and elaborate upon an activist identity, it would be wildly cruel and abhorrent to discriminate in any way, although in a odd sense I didn't have a sexual identity for experiences of trauma that are hard to pull together even now. Looking across the East Village in particular, I envied the proud and life-affirming display of multi-colored gay pride flags seen across rooftops - and yet it wasn't strictly 'my' victory. I just got ashes in relation to a youth not strictly lived. Memories of trace encounters, conversations, flirtations that were shut down for my feelings of profound shame, etc. Where is my victory?
I'm older now - not quite the Colonel Sanders figure seen in my avatar (it's Dwight MacDonald - a gifted social critic and very engaging and funny at that), but I just want to go back for it seems just so terribly hard to proceed forward absent what was missed. A short burst of activity across my very late thirties just confused me badly; i.e. an open marriage relation with a Ph.D. sociologist caught up in her own scarcely acknowledged trauma legacies consisting of emotional abandonment and rape suffered in her late teens. Mind bending physical intimacy not strictly rooted to emotional intimacy I crave and craved - seemingly a mistake then. For early days it was very appealing for it seemed I would be retrospectively afforded what I most desired - almost a college girlfriend experience of note with someone well-read, engaged, smart, well turned out - etc. And so soon to come completely off the rails while I could do nothing. SHE became obsessed - oh, what a horrific mess!
M.
End Part II then...
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