Isolating - who do you find most difficult to let close?

[Abstract]

Just wandering if anyone else has similar patterns to me or if I am an :alien:

The more I care the more difficult it is for me. It can be fairly easy to contact someone I don't know or don't have a relationship with and yet be absolutely impossible and very destabilising to contact a close friend or be emotionally there with my husband (h).

With H I do what I can to hide it and protect his feelings. Its very hard. With close friends I find it absolutely impossible at times to answer communication. I am sure to emphasise that it is me but that still doesn't change things.

I detest myself for it and that is probably as it should be. Its one of the things I am most ashamed about. Sadly the worse I feel about it at the time the less I seem to be able to do anything to change it. I also have not made any new friends as I know I am not viable friend material any more. Rather that I am without than that someone gets hurt. If I was single I would also not even attempt a relationship.

But its bizarre to say the least how exactly inversely my difficulty is connected to care.

Or do you possibly not have a problem with withdrawing from others?

 

[The Albatross]

I do okay for a time, but then need to withdraw. It is like the tide. I rush in, I rush out. I have particular difficulty with my spouse and my mother. I can often say to friends, but when my "tide" is at it's lowest I don't want to say anything at all. I can write some, but not verbalize it. I don't want to form the words or hear them in my ears.

My husband knows something is going on with me right now. He is treading lightly, but I am becoming increasingly morose and frustrated and depressed.

My philosophy is pretty much, "it is what it is, but it will change". I have tried to accept at certain times, I "need" more than my spouse or mother can "give". It makes me sad at times, and frustrated. But I know that there are concrete reasons why I'm hardwired this way.

I continue to duck down the rabbit hole with some of my face to face friendships. I do better with "by phone" ones.

 

[Pencil]

Who do I find most difficult to let close?

Everybody.

I can TALK easily - even about selected intimate things, but nobody gets close to me. I just can't do it. And my daughter suffers for it.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I can talk to most people. Who I let close is another story. And once I let them get close how I often I talk to them is still another story. The closer a person gets to me the more hypervigilant I get. They have a greater potential to hurt me.

"Love" has always equaled pain for me. So if I get close to a person and start to feel love for them I push them away and everything they do gets distorted in my head. Somehow it all ends up meaning something bad. It somehow all translates into danger. Even when my logic gets it that there is no danger.

Unfortunately the squeaky wheel gets the grease and hypervigilance is louder than every other thought in my head sometimes. Especially in a case like this. It's terrible because I want to be in a relationship but I'm scared to death of men and romantic love.

Symptoms tell me I "KNOW" it's only a matter of time and it's all going to start again. For me it's very much like every man is the same person but with a different name and a different face. That is a direct result of multiple and repeated trauma by different people over a long period of time. I want to get better. Sometimes I feel like I never will. I don't want to be alone forever. I don't ever want to be abused or assaulted ever ever ever ever again.

 

[p-no]

Who do I find most difficult to let close?

Those who I do not want to let close but either feel I have to or really have to, or will anyway.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Alba!

It is like the tide. I rush in, I rush out.

I do this too. Its normally quite long cycles though I think. I am in a good one at present and so it is easier to talk.

I can write some, but not verbalize it. I don't want to form the words or hear them in my ears.

I feel this way too. Sometimes I can't write it down though. But verbal words or seeing people in person is extremely difficult.

"it is what it is, but it will change".

Essentially radical acceptance Alba. I have been able to contact people more by being kinder and more accepting of the issue. I think before I hated myself so much that it somehow intensified everything. Acceptance and change has been very helpful for me in so many areas.

Sorry you are in a bad phase and I hope it lifts soon.

nobody gets close to me.

Sorry that that is the case Pencil. And sorry it affects your relationship with your daughter. I too never let anyone close to me in truth. I have 2 remaining friends (not sure why they remain) and one I have known from age 6 and she knows nothing about my life in truth. Not even about long term depression, eating disorders etc. And certainly not this stuff. When I talk about a bad phase I cannot even answer a basic text. I go into a freeze when I receive one.

I can talk to most people. Who I let close is another story. And once I let them get close how I often I talk to them is still another story

Blackbird, how you describe this seems closest to what I experience and thank you for sharing as I think it has provided me with a bit more clarity. I am very socially skilled so this is not shyness. I have more recently suspected it is caring itself that feels very threatening but other than the obvious could not quite understand it. I struggle to see the people that are closer to me. My closest friend lives nearby and yet I have not seen her for 6 months or so.

I don't really understand why but it seems I am worse with women.

I don't have distortions as much and it is rather just an instinctive fear. Along with much freezing whenever there is contact of any means. Which then has a knockon affect on my other symptoms which makes everything last longer.

Thanks Prime_No,

Those who I do not want to let close but either feel I have to or really have to, or will anyway.

It sounds like it is more a matter of feeling your boundaries are being pushed and you are obliged in some way and therefore pressured. Correct me if I am wrong.

That sounds very different to me. I don't like those things and used to find them very distressing but I can use assertiveness etc with them and I don't and never have literally frozen up and become non functional in anticipation relating to them.

Not letting people like that close to you sounds very healthy to me in general.

 

[Abstract]

What I am thinking now is that we speak of isolating, and of course that describes withdrawal from people of some type, but that its very possible that what that looks like and the motivations behind the actions are very different for different people.

I have definitely heard PTSD sufferers show almost no remorse or real concern for the effects they are having on others when in withdrawal on occasion in the past. And then others don't seem to feel they don't really deal with isolation tendencies at all.

I wonder if we looked at the emotion that precipitated the action if it would vary a lot too. Maybe intense fear for some, disinterest for others, anger for yet others etc etc. I don't know. I am still new to understanding this all.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Blackbird, how you describe this seems closest to what I experience and thank you for sharing as I think it has provided me with a bit more clarity. I am very socially skilled so this is not shyness.

I read somewhere that people who have PTSD have a brain that is "scared to death all the time". That made me stop and think when I first read it. I agree it's not really about being shy. And honestly I've gotten angry when people have blamed it on being shy. If they only knew the truth.

What people don't seem to understand is there is a strong desire to be in control and to feel safe from whatever triggers us. I guess that's easy for someone who isn't scared to death in one way or another to completely miss the point of.

I have definitely heard PTSD sufferers show almost no remorse or real concern for the effects they are having on others when in withdrawal on occasion in the past.

For me it's like I'm unable. Somehow inside I care but I'm so consumed that my logic is somewhere in the background whispering and I can't hear it and the only thing I feel like I can do is react. I also feel a lot like I'm overstimulated when I feel like I need to isolate. Like if one more person says one more word to me my head would literally explode.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Blackbird,

to be in control and to feel safe from whatever triggers us.

Yes, if I am honest when I am bad contact from friends terrifies me. I hate it and mostly I hate how it affects them.

I too have felt profoundly misunderstood when it has been described as a confidence or even social phobia issue in some senses. I suppose technically it is a social phobia but it isn't about the issues that are generally associated with the condition. Not about confidence or fearing being judged or any of those things. Just fear.

And before I made any attempt to protect myself more I was worse as I would just do things and end up in the consequences. Thanks for sharing.

I'm unable.

I am literally unable at times. My brain does this thing that I am told is dissociative and it blanks entirely whenever I try to do something it doesn't want. Like answer a text.

And other times its like I am trying to manage everything in my head so much (like you describe) that it is totally overwhelming and cannot manage another tiny thing.

I am sorry you feel so overwhelmed at times and understand what you mean by saying you are consumed and your logic is distantly whispering.

 

[Abstract]

I have definitely heard PTSD sufferers show almost no remorse or real concern for the effects they are having on others when in withdrawal on occasion in the past.

Just in case this looks judgemental I didn't mean it that way. I imagine sometimes it is very much about being so in crisis there is no space for anything else.

And other times maybe people are using the PTSD card to just do their own thing without considering others feelings longer term. It seems this is being said on the forum a lot and so I am trying to fit that in. Still trying to figure it out in my mind.

 

[Pencil]

I also feel a lot like I'm overstimulated when I feel like I need to isolate. Like if one more person says one more word to me my head would literally explode.

Yes! Right! Ditto! Snap!

And if I walk away, remove myself physically, and someone actually FOLLOWS me, I feel as if my head will explode and I'll have a stroke and a heart attack all at once.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

And if I walk away, remove myself physically, and someone actually FOLLOWS me, I feel as if my head will explode and I'll have a stroke and a heart attack all at once.

Oh my gosh yes! That's a breaking point for me. It's one of THE WORSE things a person can do. To follow me into isolation? Bad bad BAD idea. I'm walking away to stop myself from saying and doing things I know I'll regret. And if you follow me it's almost like I can't be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth because I've already gotten to the point where I'm struggling to cope.

It's a sense of my personal space and privacy being dismissed disrespected and imposed on. There is a real sense of my boundaries being crossed. And that is not OK. That's a huge trigger for my anger. That's one of those moments when it feels like every cell in my body is on fire. It's such a raw feeling.