Timidity...a Result Of Ptsd?

[Jen93]

I was wondering when someone would bring this up! :D

My mother calls me a "fighter", and says that I had been since birth- I was in an incubator because I was premature and I was in the incubator for two months- I guess it's like I fought for my life. Anyway, I've always just been really outgoing and outspoken- If I didn't think something was right I'd speak up and I'd disagree- It was sometimes embarrassing for those around me, but I had very firm boundaries of what was I was going to accept and what I wouldn't. During my trauma at 11 years old, I fought. I was "me".

When I was re-traumatized during my 12 years old trauma I became extremely timid. The people I was with didn't like "me" (And by me I mean the "fighter") So I was always quiet and I stuffed down my "fighter feelings" because it didn't feel safe to disagree. I thought I'd be hit or called names if I did. I'm still terrified of teachers. I'm trying to get the "me" back again. The fighter- because she was also the one that was really great to be around; happy and she could make jokes and be completely free and at ease.

The timid one is just so quiet and scared and fearful and depressed sometimes. The main goal of the timidity is survival- I think I switched to timid mode because I saw that was the way I was going to survive- when I was a fighter during my school trauma I got into trouble. So I still am the timid one at school because I'm still sort of scared even though it's been 8 years. I drilled it into my head that I had to be timid; and I had it drilled into my head- so it's going to take a while to remind myself that I am a fighter. That being a fighter is not bad. It's a good thing.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The main goal of the timidity is survival

Yeah, I think you're right. As a kid I got beaten up for every little thing I did (*insert swearing at parents here*) and I was extremely timid too. I just hadn't connected those two things yet, because I feel very detached from that timidness now. I actually changed into the 'warrior' I am today when I went throught puberty. I was so ablaze with hate and indignation about the things that had happened and were still happened to me, that I forgot "timid-mode". Most of the time nowadays I steel feel tough, I feel like Pencil: I am more afraid of closeness and intimacy than anything else.

Sometimes I still go into "timid kid" mode. It's a kid that doesn't even want to be seen. It wants to vanish into nothingness holding a teddybear. "Non-existential" mode where you don't have to face anything just feels safe, but I don't know if this is what you mean by "timid", Philippa. I don't like the "timid kid" mode a lot because of what Jen93 is saying: it's so fearful. When I get stuck in that mode, I find it really difficult to get out of it. Nowadays I have a better insight in what is happening whenever I feel like that timid kid and I have to force myself out of it. If I didn't force myself out of that mode I would never get out of my house actually.

I try sometimes to communicate my feelings to others but most of the time my brain shuts down making vocal communication impossible.

The following might sound silly and unrelated, but this happens to me in situations where people sing. I just go on total lockdown. Like a snail withdrawing back into its little house. This is probably related to whether you feel that you have "the right to exist" on this piece of earth. I did not use to believe that I had a right to exist because my parents kept insinuating that I had no right to even be in their lives. Used to get bullied too, and I would go in total lockdown too. But nowadays I just get so enraged that potential bullies risk a horrible counter-attack... and people sense that.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm timid because I don't want to be noticed. I don't want to be seen or acknowledged in any way that may affect my safety, which is every way. Even if that is someone seeing that I'm not ok and that I need help. I'm scared that someone will abuse that knowledge and use it against me or kick me when I'm down. If I'm feeling stronger someone may try to take me down a peg. It goes on.

 

[Core]

I think I relate, and like you said I will be marching timidly (and quietly) through life if I don't fix it. I've got big confidence issues, wasn't assertive to begin with, and emotional/verbal abuse contributed quite a lot. Online discussions now terrify me and I seem unable to refuse family events, vacations etc., it's all awfully sensible. :rolleyes: