This Love I Have... Is It Insane?

[Upside Down Eagle]

I love a guy. But when I say love, I don't mean that I want to be with him. I don't desire an intimate relationship with him of any kind. I don't mind it that he's seeing somebody else. The intimate relationship was there, exactly one year ago, but it was very short (bunch of weeks) and it didn't work out. It felt too weird for both of us.

So no big deal. But while we were togheter, my grandfather, who I dearly loved, died. All the time, this guy was there for me. He supported me. He was understanding, listening, caring -all the stereotypes you might look for in a sensitive man. I could tell it was taugh on him, because I was devastated. The emotion was so intense, that I reacted completely unrationally at times, even though later I apologized for it, and he said it was o.k.

After the burial, I went on a holiday, and the guy took off for some holidays of his own. Later when I returned to my country, and he had returned too, I tried to get to see him again. But it was impossible. He kept saying that he didn't have time, for months in a row. I started dating somebody else in the meantime. In December I was getting really tired of the "don't have time to see you" thing, so I called him and asked him what was up. He told me he really didn't have space in his life for a friendship with me.

He still wants to be 'facebook friends', and he still wants to casually talk to me if we ever see each other again, but that's it. This is incredibly painful to me, even though I try to live with it. Can't change reality. I feel like he let me down, and he didn't even do that in person -he told me over the phone. I'm used to hating people that let me down, but I can't hate him -because I love him too much. It's horribly confusing. I wrote him about it a couple of times, I wrote him what I am writing here, now.

In the past he has reacted empathetically to my case and already said he's sorry (although not in person). But it continues to hurt. Here we are, one year later, and it still hurts. It's a probability that I will meet him at some event in the summer, because some of our friends are the same, and I have no idea how to handle that. I just don't understand why I keep loving somebody in this intense manner, when they don't really want me in their lives.

 

[Work It Out]

Where to start? There are so many ways to look at this.

First, even though this may seem like something silly to say, be lucky that you have someone you feel so close to in your life; even if it's unrequited. Sometimes I think we all forget that attachment and closeness to things and people is a privilege; not a burden.

I would look forward to this event this summer! (If not a little anxiously.) It's fine to be afraid, but be afraid and do it anyway. If he really is sorry about being unavailable - here is his chance to redeem himself! :) He can take it or leave it.

Re-reading your post, it seems like you can't decide whether or not *you* want to be friends with him; maybe you don't because it's painful, maybe you do because he is a good friend who helped you through a rough patch in life.

One of the best mantras I've had for these types of situations is to remember that you, personally, are not responsible for other people's behavior. At least not all the time, or even most of it. However your friend chooses to deal with this, that is his decision, his result. You can judge him for it if you like, but either way, you are you, and he is him.

The only thing I can see you being able to do is make it more clear to him exactly what kind of friendship you'd like to have. Would you like it if he was maybe able to carve out a little time to spend with you this summer? If so, let him know that, and then, let him react. And respect his reaction. It appears that, while perhaps wise with emotion, you are still young. Don't underestimate the richness that life has in store for you. Appreciate your friend for what he had to offer for you, and cherish it every day. Remind yourself that with or without him, your grandfather was still the man he always was, and nothing can ever change that. It seems like your grandfather was a man who lived his life with dignity, which is perhaps why you loved him. Remember him, and you can live your life with dignity too.

 

[Work It Out]

P.S. I read your bio, and it seems like you have overcome many things already in your life. I am extremely impressed; flying a plane and skydiving? I could never do that! It seems you are very adaptable and graceful in life already; have a little faith. :)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your extensive answer! :) Turns out skydiving and flying are a piece of cake to me, compared to situations like this. Love scares the hell out of me. The thing is, I know what I would like him from, but he just can't respond to that. I would like for us to be friends, who can at least talk to each other normally, like on the phone. Or see each other some time. I've told him that, but he says he doesn't want that. He'd rather be strangers who talk to each other if they happen to run into each other.

That's what hurts. I love him, and I get that in return. I care enormously about him, and I can't see it as a blessing, because it hurts even after a year... I accept it, but I can't get used to it. I guess he doesn't want me to care that much about him. Maybe it frightens him. I have no idea.

 

[dms]

My heart breaks for you Radise. I've been in your situation more than once. Either men love me too much and I don't feel the same or i love them and they are emotionally unavailable. Work on yourself. That's all you can do!

 

[heidi]

You probably won't like my answer. In part I am aged and cynical maybe. In my opinion you are young and romantic and you are applying way more romantic understanding to this then you should. You have stars and hearts in your eyes which is a very beautiful thing but you have to take them out to see the situation clearly.

 

[Loveneverfails]

There is actually a word for this situation(and I've been there several times also). There have been found to be several types of unrequited love. I've seen them classified as different names in several different studies but the definitions tend to stay the same. I would characterize it as the 'Agape' love type? Where the person in love would gladly do anything for the other even knowing they'll never be with them romantically. I was just in this situation and my heart goes out to you. I know how much it hurts and how long a person is capable of holding on, even without hope. I finally told him I needed distance to find myself. To be me without him in the equation. It hurt and still does a little, but I'm beginning to breathe easier. I hope you find a way to look after yourself. You deserve to be your main priority.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Heidi: no, actually, I like your answer. I think you're right. I wissh I could think more clearly, and normally I do. But I think him being there for me while my granddad died, makes everything more difficult.

I don't feel like I have any kind of romantic association with it. Like I said, I don't wish I were with him. I feel I love him like I love some members of my family. I used to feel this heartbroken when my dad ignored me for seven years. I fixed that in the end. But it took a dramatic deal of pain.

I hope you find a way to look after yourself. You deserve to be your main priority.

Thank you :-) Absolutely right.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I guess my view point then on your thread in general is that any kind of love isn't insane. It's how we act on it that matters. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and (pardon me while I put on my discount store mommy hat) sometimes good people, people worth caring about, let us down a whole lot. So maybe it's a very rational thing you don't hate him? He made a mistake(in my opinion) with how he handled it, but that may not mean he's deserving of hatred. Seems to me your feelings are actually quite sane.

 

[heidi]

Heidi: no, actually, I like your answer. I think you're right. I wissh I could think more clearly, and normally I do. But I think him being there for me while my granddad died, makes everything more difficult.

I'm very sorry for my answer. I realized later how rude that sounds. I am honestly kind of upset with myself. It's all my own perspective regarding stuff I had been thinking about that I struggled to express.

I just think that sometimes loving feelings can cause us to spend a lot more energy then we should on someone. Sometimes it's best to move on.

It does seem sad though. I don't get his reasoning.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

No need to be sorry :) I do have a tendency sometimes to have hearts and stars in my eyes, so I never felt offended. It's a part of my personality: I am a dreamer. Being a dreamer has a lot of strengths, but it also has weaknesses. The strength of being a dreamer, is that I tend to always aim towards goals that others deem impossible.

For example, I managed to restore the relationship with both my parents to a point where we could talk to each other and face each other, even though at times it's very painful. It cost me seven years to get my dad to talk to me again. It was incredibly painful, but I feel my dreams and my incredible stubborness, my refusal to let go, worked out for the best.

At other times though my refusal to let go, is harmful to myself. Like now. I've had to force myself to stop being dramatic about this guy. I've had to force myself not to expect anything from him, and not sink into a depression because of him. I managed that. It still hurts though, but I think I can get past it. Something in me just has an almost obsessive tendency to "fix" things, I hate not being able to communicate with the people I love.

So maybe it's a very rational thing you don't hate him? He made a mistake(in my opinion) with how he handled it, but that may not mean he's deserving of hatred. Seems to me your feelings are actually quite sane.

This comment helped me a lot! It's a new thing for me, not to hate people when this stuff happens. In the past, whenever I felt hurt by people (even though their actions were not meant to hurt me), I would be ablaze with hatred and want some kind of "revenge", I would want "justice". This is how I actually treated men who tried to love me in the past. You can all guess how that ended.

Hate is just a way of denying that they are able to hurt me. In the past I saw people who hurt me as neccesarily evil, perverted and deserving of horrible treatment. I'm learning that even though there are people who hurt me without intending to do so, they are not necessarily trying to uproot my life, it's not a purposeful attack. I always try to believe that we meet people for certain reasons (even the ones who abused us), so that we learn stuff. I guess this is what I learn from this guy. Isn't easy though.

 

[Abstract]

I think the others have said many accurate and good things.

I hope its Ok but I am going to throw out some quite challenging things for you to try on for size. It seems to me that you are strong enough to cope with that!;-)

I used to feel this heartbroken when my dad ignored me for seven years

Is there any chance that this is tapping into other feelings that are not about him at all? In many ways what you describe with him before you went your seperate ways seemed to have him in a caretaker capacity and at a time when you really needed that.

Something in me just has an almost obsessive tendency to "fix" things, I

And before I read this this was the other thing I was wondering about. If part of this is also about not being in control and not being able to change others. In some ways it can be a boundary issue and other ways it can relate to old relationships and attachments and trying to "fix" things in the way we tried to in the past.

I also think its perfectly normal to continue to still appreciate someone for who they are as they have not changed. So in some ways it makes total sense to continue loving him from a distance.