Relationship Is It Really Me Or His Ptsd?

[exhausted 81]

So my boyfriend (or ex...not sure what is going on) and I got into an argument Friday. He was telling me that he wasn't going to meetings because I made him feel like he should spend all his time with me. Now this is not true, I encourage him to go to meetings and I ask him if he's been to meetings almost daily. Well needless to say, with my anger issues, I slammed the door, grabbed my purse and took a short drive. When i got back, wasn't gone more than 5 minutes, he was leaving. He refused to talk to me and later text me he was going to see his family. Well a few hours later he shows up and says he is going to go with a friend fishing for the weekend. He said he feels he can't trust me with his feelings. I get that I shouldn't have slammed the door and left, I completely understand that, but this is no excuse for leaving for the weekend and completely ignore me. He refused to answer my calls or texts. Finally Sunday he replies that he needs some time for himself. He also said that he thinks we should take a break. See this isn't the first time he has done this. When things get a little rough he runs away. Just curious but is this part of PTSD?

I do love him and I put up with a lot when he was using, verbal and mental abuse. But i stuck by his side through all of that and him going away for treatment and a program for his PTSD. Now he wants to end the relationship after an argument. We have been together a little over a year and even were planning on buying a house and all of the sudden he takes off for a weekend, ignores me, blocks me on facebook, but insists he is doing nothing wrong. Now am I over reacting thinking that he may have a lady on the side OR is he really needing time to himself. I am pretty sure he is going to leave, he seems to really have made up his mind. I just have questions that he is just not willing to give me the answers to. Is it me? Did I ruin this relationship? Or is he just scared to trust and get close to someone? Anything you guys and gals can help me to figure this out will really help me a lot. Oh and if you need more background I will be happy to lay it all out. I am no angel by any means, I do take some responsibility in some of this, but I wonder if it is worth trying to salvage or is it pointless. :(

 

[Expat in Australia]

I think it is, yes. There are certain things I refuse to share with my wife because she'll always take the other person's side, which is bullsh*t, but whatever. So I sugarcoat stuff and say things are sweet when they're really not. But in short, to answer your question, yes, I think it's part of his PTSD. I have it.

 

[exhausted 81]

So is it best to just let him go? Because I have a feeling that this running away will never stop.

 

[Expat in Australia]

I think for your own sanity, yeah. Find someone else. I know that's easier said than done, but you've only been hanging out for a year. It'll probably get way worse before it gets better. I'm lucky, my wife has anxiety, so together we equal one 'normal' person. Best of luck. Maybe talk to a counselor as well, I could be way wrong.

 

[exhausted 81]

Thanks Expat for being honest. And you're probably right, it will get worse. It will be hard because I do love him but I need to love myself more.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

In my experience as a supporter, it is PTSD. Doesn't mean I don't think I often responded in the worst way with dealing with someone with PTSD sometimes. I did. At least with my sufferer, it made things worse when he could tell how upset or hurt I was, but that was my truth. So, there is the balancing act. My guy, we are no longer together, but he isolates when it gets bad. That seems kind of common in PTSD. I don't deal with that well.

The advice I always got was to give him his space and have your own life separate from him. Your guy is in therapy, so that's good. Doesn't seem he's been sober terribly long so he's trying to deal with this sober and that seems new. Sometimes they just need space.

I know how hard that is. Wow, do I know how hard that is. But, I'd try to give him some time. Just my opinion.

 

[exhausted 81]

Thank you so much bewitched. It is so hard for me to even think about not being with him but I don't know what else to do. He has put me through so much stress it has physically made me sick. I don't want to say he doesn't care but it sure seems like it. I know he's afraid and I don't want him to think he doesn't deserve to be love but I just can't take the stress. Either we work at this as a team or go our separate ways.

Oh and I am not handling this running away very well. Not at all. So I'm right there with you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I can't really answer if his behavior is becasue of PTSD, I can't read his mind. But...would you be comfortable and happy in a relationship like that if your partner didn't have PTSD?

 

[exhausted 81]

Not at all. I'm not comfortable or happy that its happening with him having PTSD. I just don't want to give up on someone because they have something wrong in their life. Heck I have my own share of mental illnesses among other destructive behaviors. I will push people away when I get scared of losing it and it works, they leave. Just like he is doing now. He even told me I pushed him away. I just don't know if that he is blaming me to escape the real issues he is having with being vulnerable.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

"Either we work at this as a team or go our separate ways."

Please do not take this wrong, and it is only based on my experience, but when they hit a really high stress episode, I do not think they can be in a team. Maybe after years in therapy and years with their partner.

I am not saying that there can't be times when it feels like its the two of you in battle together against the beast. But high stress times, it's him. And sometimes you become one of "them". It is not easy. None of the "normal" rules or experiences apply. And, if they go numb, you kinda don't matter then and there, for a bit or a day or week or month. I wasn't strong enough. I don't know your sufferer or what his symptoms are, so maybe some of this doesn't apply. Again, just my opinion, based on my experience.

I wish you the best! Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk or just vent.

 

[Expat in Australia]

Thanks Expat for being honest. And you're probably right, it will get worse. It will be hard because I do love him but I need to love myself more.

All good. I'll answer anything in here to the best of my ability.

 

[KyGirl31]

Exhausted, I know exactly what you mean about him giving you so much stress it made you physically sick. My guy does the exact same thing to me. I know he doesn't mean to as he said he'd never hurt me on purpose and I truly believe that. However with all the questions and " why's" I had with him and trying to figure it all out constantly it made my head spin and I felt so weak and just dizzy and blah. I finally told him last week I couldn't do it anymore. It was just to much. The man would say one thing to me and in less than 2 minutes completely contradict himself.

I really care about him and always will have the softest place in my heart for him but he just drained me emotionally. I genuinely hope he finds somebody that cares for him as much as I do that he can be happy with. It's just not worth it if it's making you sick. You deserve better and so did I! Good luck and be strong!