Relationship It's Not April But July

[LizardViolet]

You know that saying, April is the cruelest month? Well, for my sufferer, it looks like the cruelest month is July.

We had a couple of weeks of separation after his birthday in mid-June, in part because his behavior was over the line, and in part because I was feeling especially vulnerable and wasn't able to shake it off. We came back together for a couple of days, but the second time we hung out was very, very stressful for me. Still, there were a couple of positive moments and I came through the day feeling optimistic.

I went over there last night to spend the evening. I arrived early, which is always good (tardiness is a trigger for him), and I sat in my car for a moment playing a game on my phone to chill out a little after being in traffic. This is something I've gotten into the habit of doing, not just when I arrive at his place but when I arrive almost anywhere. He was walking the dog and saw my car and came over and said something (which I didn't hear as the window was closed). I got out, caught up to him and walked a little of the way with them. He reacted strongly to the fact that I hadn't immediately called him when I arrived (which is the usual drill), and that I WAS PLAYING SUDOKU AND THAT IS SO STUPID. He couldn't hear me when I told him it was to chill out for a moment after being in traffic. And he sent me home!

I was mad at first, but then I just had to laugh. It was so utterly ridiculous. And then I realized that in the almost five years I have known him, he has melted down during at least two other Julys, maybe three. Completely out of the blue. During one of those times, I broke up with him and didn't speak to him for a month. The other time, I just took a couple of weeks break.

I sent him an email noting the pattern and letting him know that I'll be here when he gets out of whatever fog his brain is in in July. I pointed out that I do not criticize the things he does to relieve stress, not to mention that playing a numbers game does not cause liver damage or paranoia (unlike drinking or smoking pot, his chill methods of choice).

Someone very close to him was killed in the middle of July, before I met him. I also wonder whether maybe his combat experiences occurred in July, or if there are some other horrible memories connected to July.

His wife left him in early August, thirteen years ago. My husband observed that if my boyfriend is a horrible freakazoid during July, and that was the case while he was married, then the timing of the end of his marriage makes sense.

I have been very reactive for the past month, having trouble finding my calm center and connecting with my compassion and detachment. Seeing this pattern has put me right there where I need to be, though.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I have a theory about the combat PTSD sufferers and July. I think its 4th of July fireworks. My [former] sufferer really flipped out on 4th of July and that was the last straw for me and I ended it with him. (That sounds harsh....a lot happened before that) My cousin is married to a combat PTSD sufferer and she said her husband was really weird on the 4th. We were at a baseball game on the 5th that had fireworks at the end...they left early because he can't handle it. But you can't really do anything about the illegal (at least in my area) ones that neighbors get a hold of on the 4th.

 

[LizardViolet]

I was with him on the 4th, actually, along with his best friend. They set off some stuff in the street. And he got triggered in the middle of the night when someone set off a whole string of noisy stuff that sounded like it was right out in his driveway. He got up and checked it out, and I know he was awake for some time after that, listening to see if they would come back.

But this is something deep, I suspect. Possibly from childhood. With the added bonus of the loss on July 15. That day tends to be dangerous for him. A couple of years ago on July 15, he was on a ladder in someone's kitchen and fell off and hit his back on the corner of the stove and cracked a rib.

I want to text him on the 15th to let him know I hope he'll be extra careful, but I'll have to see how strong I feel that day. I know he'll just respond with something horrible and mean.

It's so tough being without him. Right now it's Friday and ordinarily we're together on Friday nights. Except his other girlfriend has been homing in on my time and has tried to make plans with him on a couple of Friday nights already. Which infuriates me. But that's another issue.

 

[monicaelise]

His other girlfriend??

 

[LizardViolet]

We are polyamorous. I have a husband, and there is my boyfriend, who suffers from PTSD. Last year, my boyfriend also started dating someone else. I've vented about her in The Angry Thread.

BF and I have been together almost five years, and last fall he got me a ring that I wear on my right hand.

 

[monicaelise]

Ah, got it. May I ask how you deal with having to share your partner and deal with the isolating (and other) behaviour that comes with the PTSD? It seems hard enough to get enough of them when it's just one on one.

 

[LizardViolet]

Well, it is a balancing act. My bf does not do much isolating, though. He more frequently seeks connection and distraction from the voices and memories. He goes out and works almost every day, which also is a way of keeping bad thoughts at bay. And he often asks me to come over to be with him on evenings when I can't. Under ordinary circumstances, he is usually comforted by my presence in general, and especially by having me in the bed with him.

I used to see him Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings, and sometimes a weekday evening as well. Since he started seeing F, he sees her on Saturday and Wednesday evenings, and she is nosing in on Friday nights, which I am not happy about but given that he and I are not speaking right now, well, I'll bring that up eventually. It's been good that he has someone else to be with on Saturday night, so I can do things with my husband or just chill at home.

His PTSD symptoms are hypervigilance, lack of trust, nightmares, dissociation/numbness, and he will interpret neutral actions as hostile. It's toughest when he lashes out at me when he's triggered, or when he's just unrelentingly negative around me; and when he pushes me away entirely, like he's done lately. (And like he's done more times than I can count.)

My husband, fortunately, is a rock, extremely well adjusted and very supportive. And my parents know about our situation and are very welcoming of my bf when we bring him to family events.

I have an 11-year-old son and while I don't say the word 'boyfriend,' he knows that the bf and I are close, and he knows where I'm going when I go over there for the night. I usually come home early in the morning, especially during the school year, to get the household going.

Probably more than you wanted to know...

 

[monicaelise]

Probably more than you wanted to know...

LOL! Not at all. I appreciate the candor. We didn't, don't, have the most conventional dynamic either, but I probably couldn't deal with polyamory with this situation. I think it's a perfectly good arrangement for lots of folks/relationships though.

Thanks for the clarification. :)