How To Name Or Express Emotions.

[Meadowsweet]

I realise this sounds like a stupid question. But sometimes I struggle to feel any emotions attached to trauma. And sometimes I relive trauma and feel a whole load of awful sensations etc. But I couldn't identify any emotions like anger or sadness.

What has happened, is that I've talked about trauma in therapy and been detached from emotion, which is frustrating. Then the next day it hits me and I feel all those horrible feelings. But I can't describe those feelings as emotions.

I'm not even sure I'm making sense here. I just keep thinking, well how the heck am I meant to feel?

 

[franciemarnie]

That's not a stupid question for sure. I have had trouble identifying emotions. I started trying to figure it out with body awareness in mindful meditation. Like I'd feel tension in my abs and would try to be aware during the day how I was reacting to stuff, like trying to control things more than normally or being short tempered. Then I started connecting the two.

I am just starting to figure out my body vocabulary.

Playing music helps me identify how I feel a lot. Like if I play a sad song and feel tears, that's a giveaway. If I feel like playing an angry song, that's a hint.

Sometimes I imagine sitting across from myself and I can sometimes better identify then what the franciemarnie I am looking at is feeling.

Now that I live with someone, it's way easier to see how I am doing sometimes because I will react differently somedays to the same thing he is doing versus other days.

I can identify with the frustration of figuring out how you feel. Since I buried feelings for decades, it is all brand new. I am getting better with mad, sad, glad and fear.

 

[Abstract]

I think there are two parts to this. The first is general and about how good we are at identifying emotions and the second is specifically to do with emotional numbing and emotion identification to do with trauma.

For the first I highly recommend a DBT book called: "Don't let your emotions control your life" It's a DBT work book.

When it comes to the second I relate very strongly to what you describe. It happens to me with way more than conversations about trauma though.

I will have zero connection to emotion in T and then it hits me like a physical force after. It can take a week or it can take 20 minutes. And when it is that intense I do find it much more difficult to identify the emotions. For a long time I also did not realise it was connected; in other words where it originated from. These emotional waves were just seemingly random things that came and went with no rhyme or reason. It happens for me with challenging day to day interactions as well.

With trauma I initially did not feel a thing at any time other than in intrusions. It had no more emotion for me than reading a shopping list.

I think these are all defense mechanisms and it seems from discussions that I have had that the delay is not that rare. What I have been told is that it is important to take that into consideration when looking at how we structure T. For safety after.

For me I have also realised it is a sign of lack of trust. If I don't trust those in the environment enough to allow the feelings to be there then I can't access them.

I have worked on acceptance (whilst also working on building up self esteem and trust etc that will help it of course) and that has helped as once I realised how pervasively it interfered with me managing relationships I found it disturbing. We rely on emotion to guide action or inform us how the environment is affecting us.

 

[Rumors]

I do the exact, to a tee, same thing Meadowsweet! I don't know if it will change, however I will deal with it as it comes.

I wonder if it is my way of protecting myself from the horror? Or possibly my way of moving past it without reliving it in front of someone else. I have never been a emotionally 'proper' person. I usually cry alone, or not at all, and I replace sadness with anger mostly. I could never let someone know that they got to me. Having that sense of control makes me feel like that is why I can't become emotional speaking about things. There were so many thing out of control in my life when I was young, it feels emancipating to have one thing that I can rely upon, not having emotion! Taking that away is freaky!

 

[mamachick]

I dont know if this is even in the same catagory and if not , please just disregard.

I remember being very young and wondering what I am "suppose" to do or feel. I think it came from my desire to be normal. I knew my family was anything but normal. I think I had the desire to please others, to be compliant, and not make any waves for others.

I can remember back to adolescents and I am 54. Ex: guessing at how I should respond to my older sister saying negative and mean things to me, both thinking and feeling. Guessing at how I should respond to someone who betrayed my trust and shared information that they should not have.

From this I think I became very detached emotionally (it was safe) and became very analytical, often excusing others bad behavior. Over 20 yrs ago I began addressing from a co dependency stand point and naming and owning my feelings about things. I became pretty good at it during stable and safe times. When other things happened that triggered the ptsd-I seem to have lost that ability.

I currently struggle to name the emotions that I feel that stems from flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and other thoughts that stem from recent trauma's. Ptsd diagnosis therapy has also forced me to talk about childhood events as well as what brought about ptsd in past few years, my memories, thoughts and feelings about it and how I coped and comforted myself.

"how the heck am I meant to feel" just reminded me of a time that I tried to match the feeling to the event because I really was numb and while I felt discomfort, I was too guarded to connect to the feeling and name it.

Somewhere in all of my papers, I have a list of all possible emotions. ie irritation-anger-rage. Anyway, I used it during co-dependency work to come in touch with the feeling and the degree of emotion as well. It was very helpful. I also did something else with this list that was helpful. I would chose a word and see if any memory came to me, if it had any meaning. If it did, I would journal about it. It was amazing that a word, knowing its meaning could remind me of a time that I felt it. Then I would also journal about how I responded at the time (usually not showing the emotion). I could be very embarrassed and instead of showing that to others, I would laugh along-just wishing the moment would pass.

I have a long history of having to stuff my feelings to survive. This may not be at all what you mean and be way off topic. If it is, please just disregard.

 

[ButterflyBean]

For me, I have also realized it is a sign of lack of trust. If I don't trust those in the environment enough to allow the feelings to be there, then I can't access them...we rely on emotion to guide action or inform us how the environment is affecting us.

Hi Meadowsweet,

The above is true for me, so I completely agree with Abstract! I don't have much advice to offer, but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone! Lack of trust and feeling abandoned are huge issues of mine, and they are probably the greatest contributing factors to my inability to release emotions once I can identify them. However, if and when I can become emotional in a safe environment, I do feel I sense of freedom as long as I don't over analyze the reasons behind my emotions. Yes, understanding is essential to healing, but sometimes we need to experience our feelings without asking questions and/or giving explanations! Giving ourselves permission to feel without guilt or fear of judgment is the challenging part when addressing this aspect of healing!

Sending healing thoughts and gentle, comforting hugs!

~Holly

 

[Hashi]

I've learnt about emotions through body awareness, like franciemarnie. I had to do this with a therapist because I didn't have a clue on my own. It was quite general at first. Things like, a hot or boiling feeling was anger, a sick feeling rolling through me was fear, a shrinking or crawling feeling was shame.

I agree with Abstract about the numbing being a defence mechanism. My therapist recommended a book called "Focussing" by Eugene Glendin to help me tune into emotions through body feelings. It's a good book but I found it overwhelming when I first managed to do it. I had to learn to pace myself rather than let the dam suddenly burst open.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think that part of the problem when reliving, is that during trauma I have tended to dissociate, and remain detached emotionally afterwards.

I've never thought of it as a lack of trust. I thought it was more my training not to show emotion. But I can see that this might have a lack of trust beneath it.

I find the body signals very interesting and wonder if they may work for me. When I have been working on emotional stuff in the past, I've tended to use imagery and metaphors as a way of 'seeing' what I'm feeling. But I have been criticised for that, and it has made it harder (I feel silly sharing that now). But I think recognising these problems is one small step.

 

[franciemarnie]

Meadowsweet, imagery and metaphors have been almost equally key for me as body sensations in interpreting emotions. I think how we get there isn't as important as finding a way to get there. I can't imagine the thinking behind criticizing anyone as to the manner in which they find healing. Whatever works I say.

 

[Abstract]

Like Franciemarie and Hashi I have found looking at body signals essential in helping with these things. How the emotions feel in our body. And I have used analogies or metaphors.

Like ftanciemarie I am astounded that you were critisized for using imagary! That is just plain ignorant if you ask me.

I also suspect that it will always be difficult to work through the emotions when we dissociated at the time of the event. Someone more knowledgable may correct me but I have thought that I tend to re live that aspect of it too.

None of the things you describe in here are silly and you are not alone either.