Supporter New. Is It Ever Too Late For Someone To Heal?

[BlueJupiter]

Hi, I'm new and clueless and hoping to get some help to understand my (currently) ex-boyfriend.

He's 46. When he was 13 a schoolmate put a loaded gun in his face, and he pushed it away and said something like 'that guns loaded, don't point it at me.' The kid turned to my ex's best friend, who was standing next to him, and shot him and killed him. They were 13. I guess he spent a lot of time in court as a witness. He never had any counselling.

He dropped out of school at 15. He's had drug problems his whole life. He currently lives in his parent's basement. He has a large, loving family and his parents to this day coddle him.

He does work, very hard and very long hours.

We broke up last week after dating for a year. He's like a child emotionally. His sister says he stopped growing emotionally the day he saw his best friend die in front of him.

35 years have passed. I know nothing about PTSD. I'm hoping to be pointed in the right direction. I love that guy. He's a nice guy, never mean or violent, never hurtful except for the fact that he's mentally a child and doesn't want to grow up. At 46 he isn't someone I (I'm 45) can be with. It breaks my heart that he has never recovered from the trauma he went through 35 years ago.

Is it too late for him?

Thanks for reading.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, it's never too late to heal. He won't ever be the person he was pre-trauma, but he can have a better quality of life.

The bigger question is "will he seek out treatment?" He has to be motivated to heal, otherwise it's not likely that things will improve.

I wish you the best.

 

[NIKI]

it's never too late to heal

He has to be motivated to heal, otherwise it's not likely that things will improve.

Absolutely agree with Solara. He has to want to try and help himself or most likely things for him will not change.

 

[Loloma]

I agree with Niki and Solara. It is a pity that he didn't get counselling or therapy when he was a child. From what I can read his parents have tried to parents have always treated with kid gloves.

It seems that after so long he has become comfortable in his own world, where he probably feels safe and secure. Only he can change the way he is.

 

[rockyspine]

That is awful that he had to witness that and did not receive any counselling afterwards. I'm adding my voice to the others here even though it's the same message - he has to want to get help and grow and heal. For me, I didn't realize how far gone I was until friends started noticing I was so different than I used to be. Sometimes the sufferer's mind tricks them into thinking they are the same as always and that this is 'normal'.

Does it seem like he knows he needs help? Or does he deny having PTSD symptoms or anything like that? If he knows he needs help, he might be open to talking about it. Not sure if this is the best advice but I would talk to him about it and if he doesn't seem willing to seek treatment to manage his PTSD, then you need to move on with your life and do what's best for you. That's my opinion.

Treatment is a lot of hard work but peace is possible if he is willing to put in the effort and pain to get better.

Good luck.

 

[BlueJupiter]

I'm not sure he wants to change. He's been very sheltered his whole life, his parents will never let him suffer in any way. He does work and contribute to the household but I don't think he'll ever leave his safe bubble. He's incredibly irresponsible - blows all his money on CDs, concert tickets, things a kid would, and he likes his lifestyle where he's only as responsible as he wants to be.

He's very sweet and caring but can also be very inconsiderate and rude - this is what led to our breakup. He just acts like a little kid and refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions. He says he's content with no girl friend, (I was the first in 20 years) but then he's said he wants to settle down, get married. He knows I want him to get help, but like you've all said - it's up to him. I'm the only person in his life that has made him face some serious facts and look at himself. I just find it really hard to walk away when I know he's suffering.

 

[Jyar]

So long as he wants to get better, I would hope that it is possible. Take my case as an example. I was misdiagnosed back in 1998 as having bi-polar disorder. I wanted to get help at that time, so badly so that my diagnosis became a matter of public record. But the treatments didn't work and actually made things worse. I began self medicating just to deal with the day to day norms.

Now here I am fifteen years later and having two separate mental health professionals diagnose my condition as PTSD. I sought out professional help because of my nightmares and the thoughts I have. I have experienced several violent events, including being shot at during a concert in Pontiac Michigan. I know the thoughts I have that others aren't privy to.

Even my loved ones. Now that I am beginning the long road of healing, I simply hope that I haven't waited to long. So, If your friend truly wants help, turn him on to this site and help him take the first steps to healing by getting him to a psychiatrist. He may go through a few to find the right fit, but if he truly wants help, he may just not know where to start. I know I didn't.

Best wishes and positive vibes.
Jay.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

 

[ms spock]

Good luck and Welcome to the Forum!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Hashi]

I just find it really hard to walk away when I know he's suffering.

In what way is he suffering?