Supporter New. Is It Ever Too Late For Someone To Heal?

[Deleted member 1860]

His parents aren't preventing him from "suffering" per se, rather they are enabling him. There's a big difference. If he doesn't want help for himself, you really need to consider if you want to be with a man you will likely have to "parent" at times because he's never been required to be responsible for himself.

 

[BlueJupiter]

In what way is he suffering?

He wants more out of his life, he's said that. Considering everything he's been through (quite a lot in his life) and the fact that he's clearly been frozen in his tracks for a LONG time, I don't imagine he's very content with himself. He's said before how he's ruined his own life by bad decisions he's made. Maybe I'm wrong and he's not as bad as I think, but knowing him like I do, I tend to think there's a lot of pain and confusion in his head.

 

[BloomInWinter]

BlueJupiter, what about you? How are you doing? You're spending quite a bit of time trying to figure out what he feels, thinks, etc.

How do you feel today? What nice things are you going to do for yourself? What makes you happy?

You cannot live in another's persons life for them, and you cannot truly know anything that goes on in their heads. Spending a lot of your precious time on this earth focusing on what you think he's thinking is a waste of your moments in today when you could be enjoying your life, making happy memories and building deeper relationships.

I'm a true co-dependent. It's very hard for me to not ruminate on how I'd live another person's life differently. But every single minute I have given up did not fix anyone else in the way I thought they should be fixed. Not that I don't keep trying. ;)

What are your plans for you this weekend? Please add speaking kindly to yourself, not judging yourself, and telling yourself you are not responsible for his life to those plans.

When our sufferers keep themselves healthy and happy, it's easier for us to not heap guilt upon ourselves on top of the PTSD.

 

[BlueJupiter]

Ugh. He wants me to come over & hang out and pretty much act as if nothing's wrong - except just 'as friends'. He's flat out refused any counseling, said he's put a lot of thought into it and even talked to his dad about it, and they both think he's doing just fine (his dad has limited time left and I think he wants as much time with his son as possible and vice versa). I don't know what to do. On one hand I love him so much and know that things can be good -- they so often are. On the other hand, so much makes me angry (mainly the inconsideration and self-absorbedness) and I can't ignore it. I don't know what to do. Trying to weigh the good and bad. Like I've said - he's never been abusive at all, he's honest and trustworthy and mostly very thoughtful.

Aside from that, I'm putting together a work-out room for myself at home... I have a fused ankle/arthritic knee that makes most exercise near impossible for me to do, so I bought a Total Gym and am making room for it in my den. So that's a good thing for myself, I do think!

I don't have a lot of friends - I'm pretty introverted, so it's hard to make friends so I spend a lot of time alone. No family nearby - they're all very far away. I'm pretty good at entertaining myself usually but after being welcomed into and part of his family for the past year, it's hard going back to being alone. But I was fine before, I'll be fine again.

 

[circe47]

First I am so sorry that you are going through this. Second I have only one word......enmeshment. Does an emotionally healthy parent hold his kid back whatever the circumstance? His father may not have much time left, but it seems wrong that he is keeping the apron strings firmly tied so that he (the father) gets his needs met over his son's. What about the mother? What is her part?

This reminds me of my ex. When I met him he was living with mommy and step-daddy. He is -even as I write this- living with mommy. He is 49 years old and cannot take care of himself. I don't know how old you are, but 46 is waaaaaaaaaaaay too old to still be living with mommy and daddy. That is a little boy. Men don't live with mommy or daddy unless they are disabled in some way. This isn't to say that he doesn't have issues over the tragedies in his life, but come on man- you got to get on that!

 

[circe47]

And no- it's never too late. Unfortunately, enlightenment and the work required for change comes from within. Until your ex decides he has had enough- he will NOT change. Why should he? He's got a roof....food.....bills paid......probably comes with maid service (mom). He even gets to have a girlfriend over to visit whenever he feels like it. Why buy the milk when you got the whole dam cow and your cake too?

 

[BlueJupiter]

Circe47 - his mom is right there with them. They're all very close. He's fortunate to have such great parents but they'll never do or say anything that may rock the boat. They've been like that his whole life. They'll so anything for him, even pay for his counseling (according to his sister) but they won't push him to do anything.

 

[circe47]

It's nice that they're close and are very supportive. This made me think of the movie Failure To Launch with Sara Jessica Parker. Only thing was the parents in that movie wanted their son to fly from the nest and do his own thing.;)

They are not doing him any favors by babying him at such a late stage in his life. My ex mother in-law used to sit and pat my ex's hand and say "it's alright....I know you didn't mean it. It'll be okay" every time he came back from a drug run and said "I'm sorry."

I'm like "lady....you are being PLAYED!" "It is NOT okay and everything isn't going to be alright- because your baby boy is a DRUG ADDICT and WIFE BEATER and a NEGLECTFUL FATHER!" I tried repeatedly to explain how her enabling was actually ruining his life and preventing him from seeing the damage he was doing not only to himself, but the people around him. It's still the same story today- 20 years later.