Revenge Wedding Plans - Justified Or Childish?

[HëllaBubz]

As a fair few of you know, I have a darling partner who proposed after 4 1/2 years together.

He has 2 brothers that are both older, and as some of you know, they have been pretty horrible to both he and I over the years, both about PTSD and non PTSD related things.

The oldest brother is getting married in 3 weeks, and the other half was asked to be a grooms man about 3 months ago. So, with a little (ahem) encouragement, we went and purchased a tailor made suit for the wedding which he can use for other occasions, which was the price of a half decent one off the rack.

My winning arguement for the suit was the fact that his brothers expect him to only put in a half assed effort as a guest/groomsman anyway, they always pick on him for being the geek, less paid than they are....the list goes on.

So my reasoning was, why not spend a little extra, have something to look good in, and show the bastards that he can make an effort, and look good in something that's made to his specifications that will cost the same as a decent suit anyway!

Yesterday, he got a call from the groom (oldest brother).

Apparently, one of the bridesmaids has dropped out, and as a result there are now uneven numbers in the wedding party. So, given that the darling golden child/backstabber (middle brother) is the best man, and a mate of the groom is another groomsman, they had decided that they would ask my partner to step down as a groomsman.

Their reasoning behind it was, oh well, you (supposedly) didn't enjoy being a groomsman the first time (6 years ago), so in order to have numbers even and perfect, you can just take a back seat instead.

Other half suggested their half sister as a step in bridesmaid, but apparently it has to only be a bride's family or friend.

Apparently because he hadn't yet bought the bow tie and cummerbund, it would be more convenient for him to just take a back seat, til my other half pointed out that he had already bought a $400 suit for the wedding (exaggerated by $60 :p), so the cummerbund was the least of his worries.

Then he proceeded to cop an earful about why couldn't he just take it back (it's tailored), why did you bother (needed a suit, wanted something nice for same price as decent off shelf), why can't you just get a shitty one downtown (because he wanted something nice for the wedding), and then when my other half said that he thought if family were supposed to be a groomsman or bridesmaid......and that's when the groom immediately said that it was HIS decision in the end.... (which made it all that much shitter in my opinion)

He seemed pretty cut by it, but of course he wouldn't admit it (he likes to bury things for a while, then they pop up later), but on the way home, he said, "f*ck it, I'll just ask one of my mates to be a best man."
And I said, "that works, I'll just have my little sister." And as he pointed out, we only want a small intimate wedding anyway!

When I heard the phone call, I felt sick to my stomach.

I don't think I'll go to the wedding. I won't know anyone there except the brothers, I've never even met the bride and I don't really want to have to think about the bitching that will occur once they hear my pregnancy enforced dietary requirements.

Are we both over reacting?

 

[Nicolette]

Family are sometimes as difficult as politics.

I'd base my decision on what makes you and your partner feel right, and one which you can live by.

If I was them, yes you are over-reacting. If I was in your shoes, no you are not over-reacting. My advice - try and take the higher ground and rise above them rather than get involved in their family politics. ;)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't think I would worry about it so much. I know you think they are backstabbing you but don't raise to the bait. Your significant other did get a nice suit out of it and you did say he can wear it other places too...so that's something isn't?

It is family and family generally means drama. You will feel a lot healthier if you back out with some dignity.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you guys are doing good for what you have to deal with. Families are ok in small doses. Take care.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Other half was extremely polite about it, I didn't engage in the conversation, in fact I don't think the groom knew I could hear (was on loudspeaker in partner's office).

At the end of the day, he always tries to do the right thing by family, putting them first and putting himself out for them, getting used and then turfed aside. This would be just another example of that.

We won't be announcing our intentions for our wedding for at least 2 years, but as I pointed out to my darling, it's about who he likes, trusts and has his back that is the person he has as a best man, not their relationship to you via blood.

He said he didn't want to ask anyone who feels entitled to the position, or has their ego boosted by being asked, which automatically rules out his brothers. He said he thought it had to be family because I was going to have my sister for the bridesmaid, but as I said to him, it's only because she's the only female human I kinda like, and who can be trusted not to backstab.

And the heartbreaking response to that was - "I have no one, no one has my back, no one I really talk to, no friends either."

I wish I could find someone for him, that he could relate to, vent to, and have fun with. He's so intelligent, so many diverse interests but all he wants is a good friend, and I'm a terrible one to count on.

His last best friend was a woman who he had a MASSIVE crush on, before he met me, and the best man (middle brother) decided that he wanted a one night stand whilst at the groom's first wedding, and so screwed her in the room next to my partner and his only excuse was "well you weren't ever going to."

You will feel a lot healthier if you back out with some dignity.

Absolutely. Fiance sees the groom on the 17th of August for something or other apparently, so he can let them know that I'm not coming anyway. Besides, I have rotten self esteem, and now that bubs has changed my entire shape, I don't really want to be in the line of fire.

We both HATE photos.

Your significant other did get a nice suit out of it and you did say he can wear it other places too...so that's something isn't?

Yeah, and he's a handsome devil.....but I'm biased!

If I was them, yes you are over-reacting. If I was in your shoes, no you are not over-reacting

Yeah, that's true. I did see it that way from their perspective, but at the same time this little voice kept telling me that they asked him originally as an afterthought, and now discarded like one, and I feel horrible for him. He's such a loving, gentle person that will bend over backwards and do what he can for his family, and he still gets treated like crap.

 

[CraftyCath]

He's such a loving, gentle person that will bend over backwards and do what he can for his family

This is often part of the problem Bubz. I found people just used me and didn't care if I hurt or not. Now I assess how much i am willing to give and if it will cost me more in pain and suffering to give it I will refuse.

Weddings are meant to be a joyous occasion but they are often fraught with difficulty. My Mother-in-law controlled mine and I never had the wedding I wanted. If you didn't go make sure it is for genuine reasons and not to get back at them. I feel for your sweetheart, he needs a friend. Although you could choose not to have a best man or a bridesmaid.

Whatever you decide for your own wedding make sure it is exactly what you both want and don't let anyone manipulate you.

Best wishes and hugs.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Whatever you decide for your own wedding make sure it is exactly what you both want and don't let anyone manipulate you.

Pretty much! I've encouraged the other half as much as I can, he really needs to put in his biting teeth and go for what he wants, and I'll work and compromise with him along the way.

As I've said to him before, this wedding is the expression of OURSELVES, no one else.

If you didn't go make sure it is for genuine reasons and not to get back at them.

No, not to get back.....it just confirms for me that there is no real point in me being there, if they are happy to do that to my partner who is the groom's brother, then I am most certainly not safe there, and it will be best for me to stay away.

 

[Britt.f7]

The only reason I would go, if I were you, would be to stand with my man for support. He can wear that awesome suit and I am sure you have something or could get something that looks just as fabulous. You don't even have to go to the reception, just the wedding. Keep your heads held high, do your part, and move on.

But this is just my take on it. Granted, I would absolutely hate going but I could do just the wedding. Just a thought.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hmm. And it would also be the perfect excuse for him to leave early, as he doesn't want to stay long anyway!

I might give that some thought. And besides, since there won't be much of a reception anyway, we can bugger off and find a nice restaurant to go to afterwards!

 

[ms spock]

If you can manage to go for at least the wedding it will mean there will be less resentments of not going later on. So it could preserve the relationships.

Having said that you know what you can manage.

 

[Whitneys story]

Britt took the words right out of my mouth! If you are up to it, I would attend the wedding to support your awesome guy. They may as well get used to you as a couple. Dress comfortable and stylish as you are and have fun. And by all means off to a restaurant of your choosing for a cozy evening! There is nothing prettier than an expecting mother, even if we don't see it.

Keep us posted please ;) Hugs, Whitney

 

[HëllaBubz]

At least I have an excuse to be a bit bigger, given that I'll be 24-25 weeks by then!

There is nothing prettier than an expecting mother, even if we don't see it.

Tell you what, I'll post up 2 pics of the 2 different dresses I'm thinking about wearing, and get your opinion before I 'take the dive'.
And when we all finally decide on what I'm wearing, I'll post up a couple of pics with hair and makeup before we head off to the wedding.