Trigger(ed)

[Irud]

Why did you say we? WE need to show you a lesson. You disgust US all. You need to be punished so much, that WE have to become bad people. Who is WE and US if it's about yourself. I think that''s what threw me.

 

[Obozu]

Yes, that threw me off also because when somebody's talking about their self-talk usually they'll write "I blaa blaa blaa . . . " (in the first person) rather than "You blaa blaa blaa . . . " in the second person. Just a little English grammar/composition tweak -

 

[Kaget]

Maybe more should be supportive and less questioning or telling another what they should be doing here, as that is not your role upon this site.

To the OP, writing about what's in your head is different to resolving the core issues. You need to be talking about the core issue that makes other thoughts and symptoms present n the first place.

 

[Vimew]

You just did what you told others not to do.

 

[opij]

I think you can see what I mean because you got some negative feedback that stated other people thought you were an abuser, and that wasn't what you wanted to happen, was it?

If people think I'm an abuser maybe they're right, I don't know that I'm not, I isolate myself so fully if I was I wouldn't have had the chance to learn as much. In all fairness I barely remember writing or posting it, it's just in my updates list and I am very familiar with the undercurrent to recognise that I probably played some active part in it, so I will try to remember and influence that I should include a further warning in the future.

Why did you say we? WE need to show you a lesson. You disgust US all. You need to be punished so much, that WE have to become bad people. Who is WE and US if it's about yourself.

Firstly I have a lot of dissociative issues which may or may not be and/or relate to Dissociative Identity Disorder or at least Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified subtype 1 (DDNOS-1). At its core I can say "I have other people living in my head" however crazy that sounds, it's true. Not all of these thoughts come from the same part of me so it might refer to that, I honestly don't know because as far as I know this comes from only one or possibly two parts and whatever the case I don't understand it.

Secondly amongst other forms of abuse, I was gang-raped repeatedly by the same people as a child/teen and have many abusers, one of whom was my father. Some part of me feels that not only is it my fault that they did what they did, but I actively made them do it. That because I am such a horrifically unpleasant person I turned them to it, that they didn't want to do it, but had to because I am so sick I must be punished.

You need to be talking about the core issue that makes other thoughts and symptoms present n the first place.

I don't understand what you mean, do you mean talking about the details of the abuse. If you mean what made them there this time, they're always present, they're a part of me as much as my left hand or my ability to see. It's just sometimes they're louder. This time they were louder, the reason might be because for the first time I've passed on a list of what I remember happened to us, to my therapist and I haven't heard back from him. It might be that I've had several arguments. It might be that my remaining family are thinking about moving away and whilst that is good, it's scary. It might be that I feel so vulnerable and exposed, except I know that I'm evil and that's not really possible, so I must be being manipulative to myself/ourselves. Or that maybe it's not me at all and it's them. It might be that one member of family doesn't know I have any problems and doesn't believe in mental disorders of any kind and causes trouble to prove that I'm f*cked up has come back from a 2 month holiday and is now visiting our home frequently. It might be that one of us is self-harming every day and the most I ever know about it is that I have a mess to clear up and have to buy medical supplies to patch up the body. I hope that was what you meant.

just did what you told others not to do

I don't understand this either, if it is directed at me.

 

[Kahiz]

You just did what you told others not to do.

Because it is my role...

I don't understand what you mean, do you mean talking about the details of the abuse.

Talking about the abuse is not always the route to the issue. The issues are what bother you the most. Many become caught up in the trauma and fundamentals of abuse, that they miss what is actually concerning them the most.

As stated many times, childhood abuse is more often than not, not actually the abuse that bothers them the most, but instead that a person who was supposed to care, support and protect them as a child, instead abused them. Their main issues are not typically memories, by instead they have memories and the worst feelings are trust, abandonment, and other associated problems that come with being abused by a primary care giver / guardian. For a minority it is the abuse for childhood trauma. It can also be a combination.

But there is always one thing that is at the forefront of a persons mind the most, and that is typically the starting point. There is a question there which you want answered, but cannot... and that is the issue. When you solve one, another will often appear, and so forth, until the issues become less traumatic, less distressing, less impact to your daily life, yet still you continue solving piece by piece.

 

[Gadowa]

You're not an abuser. Inside voices can be very abusive to one's self but it's not your fault. Those beliefs about yourself have been put inside your mind by the people who abused you. But just to clarify it was not your fault and you did nothing to deserve something as horrendous as that.

Sorry I didn't see where you were coming from before. It's interesting. I think a lot of people feel the way you expressed you feel. You were just expressing it.

 

[opij]

The issues are what bother you the most. Many become caught up in the trauma and fundamentals of abuse, that they miss what is actually concerning them the most.

Thank you for explaining. I hope I'm not being deliberately difficult, but I still don't understand. I mean I understand all of what you said. But I don't know what is bothering me right now, there is too much or too little but I can't tell which it is. Nor can I tell what I'm experiencing or why. Part of me feels like I'm a dangerous mad-person who might be homicidal, part of me feels incredibly suicidal, part of me just wants to hurt myself and part of me feels that if I just sleep long enough I'll be able to think a bit clearer.

I don't know if I'm depressed or anxious, I don't know if I'm hungry or thirsty, I can't feel any physical pain or anything psychologically, except a part of me that hates me and says I should be punished. I can't even escape with sleep because my dreams are haunted. I just go between the two hoping for one to be better than the previous one and it never is. If I have a clearer thought, I will try to share because god, I hope this stops.

 

[Nomez]

It isn't about what you feel. It is about the thoughts in your head. Don't tell me that you don't know what your thoughts are, because you do. That is denial. You know what goes through you head, what haunts you when you sleep, so forth. You have the answers, you only simply need start isolating them for closer inspection.

I used to say the same things... "I don't know what is wrong," "I don't know what I think" and so forth... and it was all a copout for not wanting to really look or pay attention to any repetitive thoughts for fear of what I was trying to avoid and hoping would just go away. I didn't need long to see a primary thought that kept sloshing around in my head when I actually looked inwards. Then as I dealt with that one, another would become my primary thought, and so forth... knocking issue after issue out over the years.

Stop trying to look for some total answer or issue, and just look at what your current thoughts are. You don't just feel like cutting, jumping off a building or other such act, without knowing why. You know why... you just have to look inwards. The outcome you will quickly find will be something along the lines of:

I feel like a dangerous mad-person who might be homicidal because....

Stop looking at everything or trying to find all the answers, just pick one thing in your head and it will usually be the most present issue as it will be at the forefront of your thoughts. That is your starting point... everything else is irrelevant until you deal with that one thought. As stated, during dealing with that thought you will find another, guaranteed, which becomes your next to deal with. Often when you start dealing with one problem in your head you can start to write a list of thoughts that are all rattling around in there, being the more totality of problems. You just write them down for later and keep focused on working through one issue at a time. As months or years progress, you have knocked out issue after issue and find current problems easier and less demanding on you.

 

[opij]

The thoughts in my head whizz around so fast I find it difficult to catch them and mostly can't. I know what's wrong with me and what I think and I do have problems with not wanting always wanting to believe it, but I can't always tell whats wrong with another part of me, it's not close enough to tell, I can guess and sometimes I get it right but not always, sometimes I get it so vehemently wrong. I am almost certainly in denial because most of the time I refuse to admit that they exist. But I don't feel like cutting, I have done but not for a long while. I dissociate and when I come round I'm covered in blood. I do feel suicidal, but not because I want to die, because I just want this to stop another part of me massively wants to kill - both myself and others. I don't understand a lot of what happens to me because I'm trying to understand what irrational parts seek.

I feel like a dangerous mad person who might be homicidal, because the other night I caught someone else's thought process, although it was so loud I don't know how I didn't hear it sooner, and that thought process was to set my Dad or the main abuser on fire. But it wasn't like a stray thought, it was like the part that thought belonged to was trying to break free from a cage to get out and do it. What's worse is, if I wasn't so terrified of leaving the house and bumping into some of my abusers, then I think I probably would like to. My fear is how do I fight that part of me that is irrationally trying to protect me by putting me in danger.

My main thought is one that is alien to me that I need to be punished. That is new. I always feel guilty and ashamed - I feel bad that people have to see me and ashamed that I inflict myself on others. But right now another part wants to punish me. Not the part that wants to self harm, as much as I don't appreciate it, I don't actually blame her, I understand why and until I know how to stop her from doing that I have little choice in the matter. But this part that has resurfaced from my teens, I know it both by name and by what I get from it in terms of thoughts and feelings, but until it resurfaced recently, I had forgotten about it. Now I don't know how I did. It's really angry at me and I'm sure I've done something wrong, but as far as I can tell I can't seem to do anything right.

I feel like I'm being terrorised from the inside out. You're right. I do know my own feelings and my own thoughts, sometimes I find it hard to decipher my own from some other parts, it's like we're all bleeding into each other at the moment, but my thoughts are mine and I know when I catch one whether it's mine or not. I seem to have so many problems at the moment that it's all overwhelming, but this:

As months or years progress, you have knocked out issue after issue and find current problems easier and less demanding on you.

is very relieving. I just have to start knocking out those issues. My therapy is going to start in a week and a half. I just had my assessment and between that and telling someone for the first time (plus I've not heard back from them yet), everything seems to be worse. I just want things to settle a bit again. Too much has been stirred up at once.

Thank you all. The undercurrent that was posted was not ok to be posted and I will make sure that I don't leave my computer logged in to this forum (then I will find out if they know my password!) :confused:

And *Wow* to Anthony for posting on this thread, it's like a celebrity guru offering his advice, I'm honoured. Thank you again.

 

[Rati]

OP are you in therapy? A lot of people think that simply talking about the trauma is enough. It's not. You need to process the trauma with a trained professional.

I believe that it can be detrimental to go over the trauma ad nauseam because it can reinforce negative neural pathways in the brain. True processing isn't just writing your story until it doesn't affect you anymore, as some may believe.

 

[Wefole]

I believe that it can be detrimental to go over the trauma ad nauseam because it can reinforce negative neural pathways in the brain. True processing isn't just writing your story until it doesn't affect you anymore, as some may believe.

Not the OP but what if there is not such thing as true processing. What is processing other then talking ad nauseam? How does a counselor really make this process become anything different?