Sufferer New Here - Almost Lost My Son

[Kimberlyp412]

I'm brand new here. My name is Kimberly and I have PTSD, Agoraphobia, severe anxiety and depression.

I developed PTSD after watching my very young son nearly die several times and being completely helpless. Although, it brought back repressed memories (that I remembered but chose not to think about) of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, and mental) by my maternal family; Being raped when I was 17 by a man fifteen years older than me; and having a gun pointed at me by a police officer when I was seven while they tore apart my moms house/meth lab.

I'm a shell of the person I once was before my baby son was born at 25 weeks, had perforated bowel four times (NEC), and being shaken by my sister in law twice. He now has cerebral palsy and is four years old. I could never put into words the guilt that I feel for letting that woman watch my son and for having an incompetent body that couldn't hold him or his brother to term (twins). I feel as if I am a failure as a mother when all I wanted was to be the wonderful mother to them that I never had. I feel so broken... If I never had to leave my house ever again I would be so happy. I want to close off from the world. I constantly worry that people think I am weird because of the way that I act and I can totally tell that I am socially awkward. Which is weird coming from a girl who four years ago was a social butterfly.

I need help. I am suffering from this illness with nobody that understands. I am all alone in this; my husband tries to understand but he doesn't get it. Sometimes I want to end it all but I refuse to leave because who would protect my sons from this world? Why did I end up like this??? It's so unfair.

Thanks for listening to my rant

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome hope we can help.

 

[EverOnly358]

Kimberly,

I am so sorry! I relate to so much you're saying... my daughter almost died right after she was born, and it was a horrible time. On top of fighting for her life, I found myself overwhelmed by memories of my awful childhood, memories I had successfully pushed away for a long time. I was exhausted, depressed and I heaped more and more guilt on myself.

PTSD, Agoraphobia, severe anxiety and depression

Check, check, check, check. I could say I have all of those, though I'm only diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar disorder. I'm new here, too, and I'm not sure exactly what I could say or do to help, but maybe it would help just to know that you're not the only one and you're not alone.

There are a lot more experienced people here with lots of good advice. Hang in there, it will get better.

D

 

[Hope4future]

Welcome.
I feel guilty about my body's inability to nurture my daughter to term as well. She was born at 30 weeks, which is miles away from 25 I know, and has no severe medical complications. However, at 8 years old she has significant learning disabilities, and my heart breaks watching her struggle each day. She is smart and beautiful and loving, but she has to work so hard to do what comes so easily to others.

I know this is nothing compared to a son with cerebral palsy, but I want you to hear that you aren't alone, and that blaming our bodies doesn't help our kids. It only steals our energy and hope. They need us to love ourselves, imperfections and all.

I hope you have or that you find a trauma therapist who can help you find peace. You deserve it.

Hang in there. Healing is possible if you're willing to do the work, and it sounds like you have at least two beautiful reasons to heal, but you have to stay alive to do the work.

I hope you find the support you need here. You're in my heart.

Hope4future

 

[Flyaway]

Hi Kimberly, I hope you can find the support you need here.

 

[Kimberlyp412]

Wow, Thank you all so much for such a warm welcome! I'm so sorry if my first message was such a downer. I was having an awful night and couldn't sleep. It is so nice to have somewhere to go to talk to people about this.

I think there is a stigma attached to PTSD that only military servicemen and women can develop this. It has been very hard for me to find understanding. Thank you all so much!!

 

[Flyaway]

You don't need to apologise at all! That's what we're here for :) I'm glad you feel like you have a place here.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kimberly,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

I am sorry that you had to experience the severe illness of a child as that is so hard on a parent, especially the feelings of helplessness. It isn't unusual for one traumatic event to bring back memories and emotions of prior trauma, and unfortunately that seems to be when PTSD rears its ugly head, especially when things are really difficult.

One of the best things about this site is that you are really among people who understand. I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[NIKI]

Hi Kimberly. Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)