Step Mom Question

[EvenStrongerNow]

What would make a step mom call you her daughter, let you call her mom, and even say thinks like, "You're my daughter.", but she never calls you, never emails you, never texts you and has only visited alone with you one time?

I have been in her life for 10 years and she knows that I have no contact with my own mother because she is a Narcissist.

It hurts.

 

[DMerish]

That does seem sort of strange. Did the two of you live together for any time? Is she in good health and does she live with 20-30 minutes of you?

 

[franciemarnie]

For sure it would hurt. Do you know what her life is like? Just curious. People's behavior reflects who they are. It's not a reflection of you. But it would hurt.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well, I do know she has Fibromyalgia but has a good handle on it from what she has told me. I know there is craziness going on with her 19 year old son (first year in college, testosterone driven, being rebellious with the parties, grades slipping, etc), her 16 year old daughter just took a test to pass high school early to get going on her art career in community college, and her 10 year old is three hand fulls. I won't go into that but she home schools him. And I know there have been issues with she and my father. Also, a war going on with her own narcissistic mom (a Barbie of an old lady, country club living, and absolutely nuts). For awhile, she was managing her finances, etc and finally got so exhausted.

Her alcoholic sister decided she wanted to take over and now the mom thinks my step mom is conspiring to have her killed. A lot of animosity between the siblings. She is also very active in her church.

So yah, she has an INSANE life to say the very least. I am very understanding of it. The little girl inside of me feels hurt though.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oh and I stayed with them once for two months several years back.

 

[franciemarnie]

Absolutely I would feel the same way - hurt. But because I interpreted other people's actions as indicative of how they really felt about me and also as a sick way to define myself (for years I defined myself and determined my value by other people's opinions and treatment. I did not define myself or value myself.), now I always remind myself that the way they act shows who they are, not who I am.

I had to change my expectations of others who said one thing but did another. It helped me not to feel so bad eventually.

But we need and want to be loved, especially by someone who says we are like a daughter.

It hurts bad though. I know.

It's not the same but please treat yourself with love and compassion and treats too! when this stuff happens.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well I do know that stuff internally. I notice when old beliefs pop up and am good at stopping the thoughts with the truth.

But the only truth I have come up with is that maybe she was trying to be nice and really has too much going on.

I don't know another truth.

Also, what does this reflect about her? And what should I tell myself when I find myself wanting to give up trying to connect with her to never get anything in return? Because I feel guilty if I do that. Also, another part of me wants to tell her how I feel but then I tell myself that's bad because she didn't give birth to me and then start thinking maybe she doesn't like me and feels forced because she is married to my Dad.

Urgggh

 

[StarChild]

but she never calls you, never emails you, never texts you and has only visited alone with you one time?

Hi StrongerNow, could it be, that she just doesn't want to disturb the relationship between her son and you, his wife?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

She is my step mom, not my MIL. My MIL is awesome!

 

[StarChild]

She is my step mom, not my MIL.

Oh I'm very sorry for my mistake! I'm awake just a few minutes...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Lol that's okay. I knew you goofed.

Oh and I think my step mom is awesome too. I just can't seem to get perspective on it.

I don't do lip service but maybe some do and I just have to accept that.

 

[StarChild]

Also, what does this reflect about her?

Also, another part of me wants to tell her how I feel

Well, then do so... This would be the best and direct way: The direct way of talk to her instead of guessing and assuming the worst like:

but then I tell myself that's bad because she didn't give birth to me and then start thinking maybe she doesn't like me and feels forced because she is married to my Dad.

Even a stepmother can just be aware that you have your own life...And for this reason, doesn't want disturb your life.... But honestly, I prefer talking to that person I've got a "problem" with, instead of guessing or like someone said, interpret.