Something Went Wrong With Emdr

[eav]

I started the next phase of EMDR three days ago, and I haven't felt well since. I had a 1.5 hour session, processed a memory from when my dad died when I was a teenager, before the abuse that I have PTSD from. The EMDR session itself didn't seem that upsetting, but I did have a few tears. It just seemed like it didn't stop afterward. In the evening, the images started coming again, every time I closed my eyes I kept feeling the eye movements, the buzzing, the vibrating. I became very depressed and have a numb feeling. My nightmares have changed to become very surreal--I guess this is an improvement, images flesh eating aliens are better than realistic rapists. I am sleeping longer, for the past six weeks I've been waking up every couple of hours, maybe the numbness and depression are because I don't have that overload of norepinephrine, which means the EMDR was effective?

I called my therapist yesterday and told her I felt really bad, she called my primary care doctor and wanted him to prescribe an antidepressant. He called me back and said that he and the therapist wanted me to go to the hospital and check myself in. I said no, and he said that I don't have a choice. I really freaked out about that, the therapist said she did not say that to him, but now I don't know if I trust her anymore. So now I'm out a primary care physician and the only reason I may stay with the therapist is because I have so much trouble explaining what happened that I really don't want to start over. I feel awful and really don't know where to go from here. For 25 years I've been able to manage on my own, until this summer the memories started flooding back and pretty much anything became a potential trigger. I really feel like just trying to forget it all and go on with what I need to do, but I'm not sure I'm capable of that any longer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please tell us exactly what you told the therapist. Hospitalization can only be forced if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others. I Ask because I doubt this chain of events would have occurred if you simply told your therapist you felt "really bad".

 

[Venusian]

Hi eav,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I was there about a year ago, not with the EMDR but with the memories flooding back after 40 years. What helped for me was joining this forum and talking to therapists. I have a diary here and one on paper, I just kept writing about all the memories that came back and all the emotions. My insurance has a helpline that I could call at anytime and I used it many times when therapist they assigned wasn't available. I did a few sessions of EMDR and after the first session I am not sure if it was working but instead of the vibrators my therapist had a moving light. When the treatment was over she always spent some time talking to me about all the things that had come up and how it made me feel. After that first session is was like my mind refused to go back to the trauma and even though that is where we started, it is never where we ended up.

I am glad that you were able to talk to your therapist about it and I am not sure if having to find a new primary care physician is the right idea because of just this. It could be that he is just not qualified to prescribe what your therapist wanted. My doctor didn't want to prescribe medication for the PTSD he sent me to a psychiatrist. Going to a hospital for inpatient in a crisis is the fastest way to see someone, I had to wait months before I could get an appointment. In some places it can be much longer. I had a previous doctor who would prescribe medication for PTSD and it was a nightmare, it was the complete wrong medication and it made things a lot worse.

I hope that you find some answers for what you are experiencing right now. I wanted you to know you aren't alone with those memory floods.

 

[KP the nut]

I did EMDR and I had similar. However my therapist warned me this may happen. We had already set in place some grounding techniques and after every session he would ensure I was back in the 'present'.

I was also encouraged to phone him should things become to much and he would talk me through them.

 

[Powder]

eav,

I think everything you said is a reasonable and normal response to triggering that I have experienced with PTSD from the same trauma. I want to first of all say that it is okay to respond as you did. You did nothing wrong here. In fact you reached out and didn't wallow. So that's good. But the response you got was traumatic to you, so you want to retreat now. I have done the same.

Take some time to focus on feeling better now. The death of a father is a huge loss. And you were at a particularly vulnerable time, as a teen, before our better adult coping skills are in place. Of course this is a big lot of pain to process. It's going to take some time. I don't think you unearthed only "depression" but real, delayed Grief. Grief can be delayed. (Been there, done that.) It's horrible to have so much back up grieving to do. But I promise you, you will feel better if you allow yourself to go through the pain of grieving with support and love now.

It sounds as if your doctor freaked out, not you. You are right to see out a more qualified person to manage your meds. I would seek out a psychiatrist or doctor who has spent extra time in training for PTSD and has successfully managed medicine and overseen therapy for many clients for PTSD like yours in the past. You can just email and/or call some to see if they have had success with sexual assault PTSD with other losses, such as death of family members. Sometimes asking others for who is best in your area will bring the fastest results.

Hoping for your continued healing. You are doing sooo well; don't give up yet.

Muse

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Muse, Venusian, count me in too- same experience of flooding eav (without EMDR). One of the most difficult times in my life to survive.

I agree 100% with Muse, and it will get better. Perhaps your Dr over-reacted, whatever the reason, sounds more like a mis-communication of sorts.

:hug:

PS, welcome to you. :)

 

[Powder]

I like how Junebug put it. It does sound like miscommunication.

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree with delayed grief.

After a lifetime of mostly numbness or fight or flight, I was totally freaked out when 30 years after my grandmother died, the feelings came out. Heavy dense weight on me every day, I could barely move or talk. Then came feelings of despair and then tears. I think it lasted eight weeks and then dissipated slowly. And later I felt immensely better.

I had no idea that lay within me all my life. I was terrified I was going downhill fast.

But what I felt were buried feelings. I didn't have enough experience to identify them on my own. I had learned as a child to feel nothing or to instantly bury strong feelings - including sadness.

I am sorry you've been going thru this. How well I know the big hurt.

 

[eav]

It was really hard to start going to a therapist in general—I cannot imagine having to go to a hospital and tell the story all over again. Being told by a middle eastern male doctor that I had no choice about entering the hospital is probably one of the biggest triggers I can think of. I was abused by a man from a different middle eastern country for a year and a half when I was 18-20. I really have liked going to this doctor, but I have to prepare myself each time, remind myself that his mother tongue is the same as Gandhi, he is not related to the abuser. The phone call kind of hit me out of nowhere. I was hospitalized back then, too, everything got twisted around and the doctors told me I was "emotionally immature." I never did tell them what he was doing to me.

The delayed grief makes sense, I am not sure I know what real grief is.

I also think it would have been helpful to have an appointment a couple of days after the EMDR to discuss what came up. Is it normal to keep seeing and feeling things so strongly afterward? I couldn't stop it, and it became increasingly scary. The therapist told me I could call her before I left the EMDR appointment--but when I did, it all went so wrong. Now I feel like I'm going to have to be careful what I tell her.

 

[eav]

Solara,

When I talked to the therapist, I was feeling pretty bad. I told her I felt depressed. She asked if I had thoughts about hurting myself. I told her that I would not hurt myself, which was and is true, regardless of whether I have dark thoughts. She wanted to call my doctor and get a prescription for an antidepressant, so I looked up his number and gave it to her. We didn't talk much because she was on a cell phone with a low battery. The doctor had agreed earlier that he would write a prescription for an antidepressant if we wanted him to.

 

[Seasounds]

Whew, things got turned pretty quickly, without you being a part of the discussion. I agree, professionals feel unable to manage your reactions.

I had a similar experience with EMDR, and realized it was not for me. As long as you are non-injurious to yourself and others, you are at choice.

Until you find an experienced psychiatrist, you may be able to decrease your symptoms (flash backs included), by changing your hormonal state, by taking time to do very relaxing activities and grounding (connecting your energy to the earth and nature) exercises, by spending time with nurturing friends, by decreasing caffeine, and decreasing listening to the news.

You may not be out a doctor, you may just need to go talk to him, in person. This will help the doctor know your perspective, trust you, and strengthen your rapport. (The therapist may not have represented you accurately.)

 

[DMerish]

eav,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is tough. I have not had EMDR, but I have been flooded with nightmares, daymears and emotions from past events that were repressed until such time they were safe to come out. It was/is quite upsetting and can be depressive. I think several of the other folks that posted gave some good insights and suggestions.

If you've felt comfortable in the past with your therapist, and have a sense that you may be able to be relatively comfortable with him/her again, I'd suggest staying with them (so you don't have to go back to "square one").

I understand that you've been able to separate your doctor from someone else who caused trauma in your past; however, you're had to do extra inner work to do that. Therefore, you may want to consider finding another doctor - one whose cultural or ethic background doesn't remind you of any trauma, i.e. someone entirely "neutral" whatever that may be to you. One who is somewhat experienced with trauma would be preferable as well.

With your present doctor, it sounds to me that there was a miscommunication somewhere . . . either your doctor misinterpreted what your therapist told him/her . . . or you misheard him/her . . .Or perhaps the way your doctor said what he/she said was an attempt to simply cover his/her a** Any/All those things happen in ordinary day-to-day communications with other people.

I think that if your doctor was completely serious about you needing to go to the hospital he/she would have called the authorities to come pick you up.

Be kind to yourself and relax as much as you can.

Sense your hands on your thighs for a minute or two, then slowly pass them on along a different surface. When you place your foot (or feet) on the floor can you sense the difference in the heal weight placement as opposed to the weight of the ball of your foot and toes? If you are on carpet, can sense a slight tickle of carpet fibers below the arch of your foot and between the bottom of your toes. If you're on a hardwood floor, perhaps you can feel the sensation of small dust particles below your foot or cool air under your toes. Sensing your body during difficult times like this can help one to be more in the present and provide a gentle distraction while the mind does what it needs to do to process things.

I wish you well (((hugs)))
Drew