I'm Missing Amnesia, Denial And All My Old Friends Beginning With D

[Abstract]

Thank you Zaniara, that was very well put and interesting.

For me if I am not careful I would judge myself if I am not being mindful all the time and that is not what mindfulness is about. When I am doing too much distraction (that is the case pretty much all of the time) I try to look at the context and big picture. It is often the best approach in the place where I am at that moment.

And when it comes to swimming in trauma stuff and stressors in the way that you presently find yourself Hashi, then distraction can be just what is called for in my opinion..

Lots of numbing things are self destructive. Most of them directly and the rest at least emotionally. Alcohol messes up our brain chemistry and causes depression and we are left feeling physically awful and shame. Eating issues numb but they just create more pain and again shame as well as physical danger. Other compulsions - shame and being drawn into more of the same.

Feeling means living and pain as awful as it is is part of being alive. Feeling and not living in D land also means being in the driving seat rather than unconsciously and randomly being in the self destructive back seat of our lives -thinking we are OK whilst our subconscious and trauma pulls the strings and has us jumping around.

 

[AngrySky]

I'm still committed to healing and still working on it. I just want to have a moan, or maybe more a huge sigh, because this is hard and I've been missing my days of feeling like a ghost, nothing very real. I don't want to go back to that really, but if I'm honest, right now, a little part of me does.

I so understand this. This is why I am fearful to go back to therapy. I like the numbness. Due to recent events I have felt more pain than I have in a very long time and I DO NOT like feeling. I am afraid. I want to disappear and stay numb.

But I suppose we can't, can we? I understand. Good luck on your continued jorney for the somewhat elusive strength. We are not broken, just need to find the glue!! :)

 

[zaniara]

I want to moan now. (I hope it's okay to do it here.) My therapist told me that the whole purpose with therapy is to make me be able to stop dissociating, and getting used to staying in the here and now, and feel all the awful feelings I've been avoiding all my life. And it will be horrible, but then they will subside and I will start to feel better. ....!!! Doesn't that sounds like fun?? :banghead: :grumpy: I just want to lay down and scream right now.. This sucks. If that's the whole solution, why don't we just break down all my defenses all in once and have some sort of intensive 1 month therapy-session, and then all the feelings will subside and then I will be okay? (Okay, I know I'm being childish right now..)

I'm not about to quit on this, nor my self, nor therapy either. Just needed to vent this, somewhere where I know someone might understand me. *tired to the bones*

I hope you're feeling better Hashi. :hug:

 

[Hashi]

Yes, absolutely OK to do that here. What you're saying is exactly how it feels.

When I first went through what I think of as the "reality barrier" I couldn't believe how awful being real is. Of course I have to believe that ultimately being real is going to be better, but there's nothing better about it at the start.

I've posted here about different aspects of this, and the understanding and support has really helped me through. I'm so thankful for this forum. Venting is good, there's a lot to vent. And I hear you.

 

[AngrySky]

@zaniara You are so right. I am more than willing to take an entire month of agony and pain crying and near death from heartache than this long drawn out coping. I think it may be that the long drawn out process takes continual work on my part. I get lazy, I get tired, I get scared, I think feeling nothing may be better than being real. Then I break again and back to the beginning I go.

I have heard that to truly live you have to have something to struggle for, you have to feel pain to know what happiness feels like. If you dont have a goal, why bother? Sometimes I agree..sometimes not.

 

[AngrySky]

Feeling and not living in D land also means being in the driving seat rather than unconsciously and randomly being in the self destructive back seat of our lives -thinking we are OK whilst our subconscious and trauma pulls the strings and has us jumping around.

I just read this again and it really struck a cord. I like to think of my self as an action person. Always needing something to do. Running 5 projects at the same time and thriving on it. I now realize that this may be part of my coping skills. Stay busy to avoid my thoughts and internal dialogue I am constantly running. That makes me sad. I like to think that it is because I am constantly working to make the worlld and myself a better place.
The way that you put that statement, Abstract, I am ashamed to say I may have just been the backstreet driver on my own collission course. :( That makes me sad but pretty pissed off at myself as well!!

 

[Abstract]

Zaniera, sometimes coping feelings like some sort of punishment to me and like someone somewhere has a very sick sense of humour. Knowing the theory of something and feeling happy :yuck::inpain::arghh;:cry: about it are two totally different things. I find myself mourning my progress at times and resenting it. I think how you feel is totally normal. If only there were a short cut!

 

[Abstract]

sad but pretty

Dealing with new awareness can be very hard Angrysky. You don't deserve any judgement and only compassion. Coping means are just that. Developing healthy or healthier ones is hard. One of my least favourite things is not being in control of myself so reminding myself that escape normally equates to less is one of the things I find most helpful as a motivator to keep going with what is often so painful and feels so counter intuitive.

 

[Seasounds]

Hashi, all of your writings and communications have been very helpful to me.

 

[Seasounds]

Hashi, please view my post under my flashback thread; just checking you got the alert.

 

[Hashi]

Yes got it and have replied there - thank you. :)

 

[Red Feather]

Thanks for exrpessing something I haven't put into words yet. It seems like a confession, but actually I would say its another connection with reality. That is... the sh-t reality that is and was so painful. We can't deny the pain forever, so we might as well express it somehow.