I'm Missing Amnesia, Denial And All My Old Friends Beginning With D

[Hashi]

This has been another difficult week of facing feelings that were buried for a long time. Even facts that were buried for a long time.

This week I have seriously missed having amnesia, denial, dissociation, derealisation and depersonalisation. I know those were hardly the good old days, but unrelenting reality is tough. Accepting that I was traumatised in the ways I was traumatised is tough. Trying to turn my shipwrecked life around is tough. Staying present in my body is tough. Acting responsibly is tough. Even having an identity is tough.

I'm still committed to healing and still working on it. I just want to have a moan, or maybe more a huge sigh, because this is hard and I've been missing my days of feeling like a ghost, nothing very real. I don't want to go back to that really, but if I'm honest, right now, a little part of me does.

 

[p-no]

I'm Missing Amnesia, Denial And All My Old Friends Beginning With D

Hashi, I get it.

Often times, when I read a post of yours, I think I could have written it. You express so well exactly how I feel and think.

I miss all those you've mentioned all the time. I know going back isn't an option. But I so want to sometimes. Want to forget, to not feel, to pretend Earth is a wonderful place and my life has been Heaven. Sometimes I allow myself to dream myself away a little by listening to a song that can lift me up. I have learned to come back down shortly afterwards, for my own sake. Sometimes walking down the path of healing is so hard and I just want to curl up and turn myself off like Data in Star Trek.

Really saying: I hear you. If you'd like one, here's a hug: (((Hashi)))

 

[zaniara]

I'm struggling with those right now: having one of those periods. But I still relate to what you're expressing, since the denial is broken in many ways despite that: and sometimes I really struggle with living with what I now can understand and remember and see for real. It's really painful and sometimes it just sucks. :( Sorry for not having anything encouraging to write, but thank you for writing that and making me feel less lonely with those kinds of feelings.

I'm working on trying to believe that life will get better once I'm on the other side of this damn process.. But it is so looong that it's sometimes difficult to be patient. Besides I don't know what it feels like living a good life and feeling well. I have suffered from this all my life. And it's hard longing for something I know nothing about..

((((Hashi))))

 

[Saule]

I totally understand what you're saying, Hashi. It can be really tough. You've really managed to put into words the way I feel sometimes. Dissociation et al. still visit me frequently, but denial not so much anymore -- and while I know that is ultimately a good thing, it can be painful as hell. Don't really have any encouraging words either other than to say you're not alone in feeling this way and like zaniara said, thanks for writing about this ... it gives me the courage express myself more too.

 

[bell]

Firstly, @Hashi, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard week. Bummer!

Accepting that I was traumatised in the ways I was traumatised is tough. Trying to turn my shipwrecked life around is tough. Staying present in my body is tough. Acting responsibly is tough. Even having an identity is tough.

It's amazing how hard it is to turn that dang ship around, isn't it?! And staying present, oy, so very hard. Lately I've found myself in a loop of doing the same things over and over to distract myself until it's time to go to sleep. I don't want to look at the clock, I just want time to pass so I will feel better.

I'm still committed to healing and still working on it.

This is great news! Because if you're anything like me, you've definitely had those moments of just wanting to throw in the towel. Only to have that still small voice inside of you start yelling, "No!" at you because it wants you to get better, and, more importantly, knows that you have the strength do so!

I know going back isn't an option. But I so want to sometimes. Want to forget, to not feel, to pretend Earth is a wonderful place and my life has been Heaven.

Agreed! As amazing as it is to feel now, sometimes I really friggin' hate it and numb seems like the far better option, like my safe place. I just have to remind myself of how much a blessing "feeling" really is.

 

[Seasounds]

Hashi, Support to you.:) I appreciate your sigh, and your moan. I relate. A break, between, during and after, 'being in life', so much more alive and engaged, is well deserved!

Those high and low tides, can wear a caption out. Sighing is good for gaining strength, and for pausing-which is good for acknowledging, such wondrous personal growth! (As only you really know.)

Hope you reward yourself, with kindness and self-appreciation. My contribution, in the spirit of celebration: funny faces.:cool::tup:

 

[DMerish]

Completely understandable Hashi - Moan, groan and sigh - the Universe is listening. You're birthing a New You!!!

:hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

I found feeling so difficult I took painkillers for years. It's been twelve years free now and though not being numb is sometimes so painful, I'll never go back to being alive but dead. Acknowledging I don't like it sometimes has been huge. Being heard has been vital.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi, my friendships with the D crowd have been the longest lasting and closest friendships I have had in my life. That and my old ed (eating disorder) buddy.

I go through phases of intense, indescribable longing and wanting to turn the clock back. Where I will do anything to go back into that cloudy other worldly place from the past where neither I nor the past nor the present were real and where all was expressed indirectly.

Painfully that is countered by knowing that a lot of them made me vulnerable to danger whilst protecting me. So there is no escape. I can't go back even when I really want to. I know too much and there is no going back.

I think it is entirely normal for you to feel like this at present when you have a lot of stressors and when digging up some nasty trauma. Hopefully it will settle soon as you do.

I actually think there is a place for suedo D stuff when we are overwhelmed. That we don't have to be rigid with mindfulness. Maybe some good old normal D stuff such as distraction wouldn't be a bad idea at present.

Hang in there.

 

[Kintsugi]

I am struck with admiration that you are where you are, Hashi. Even as I obsess over losing touch with reality, I read your post and was gripped with fear at the thought of losing my D companions. What you're doing has to be incredibly hard, and staying present takes all the strength and courage in the world. I hope you're really proud of yourself. You deserve it.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you all for understanding. I'm amazed how much other people do understand, you've all added more of what I'm feeling myself.

I know going back isn't an option. But I so want to sometimes... Sometimes walking down the path of healing is so hard and I just want to curl up and turn myself off like Data in Star Trek.

:alien: :D !
I'm afraid I don't watch Star Trek but I understand turning myself off. From an early age, I've deliberately dissociated and I've called it "switching off". And I so want to go back to that right now, but you're right, it isn't an option any more.

Dissociation et al. still visit me frequently, but denial not so much anymore -- and while I know that is ultimately a good thing, it can be painful as hell.

I just have to remind myself of how much a blessing "feeling" really is.

I need to remind myself that it's a good thing. Sometimes that takes a lot of reminding, to the extent that when I read what you both wrote it sort of gave me a jolt. I think I can get tunnel vision about doing this and forget what I'm even doing it for.

That can be especially difficult because, like Zaniara says I don't have a clear picture of the other side of this.

I don't know what it feels like living a good life and feeling well. I have suffered from this all my life. And it's hard longing for something I know nothing about..

Exactly. And hard working towards something I know nothing about.

Sighing is good for gaining strength, and for pausing

I hadn't thought of it like this. I was aware I kept sighing at work on Friday, which was a difficult day. Really big sighs. I started feeling self-conscious about it. I like your view of it.

You're birthing a New You!!!

And it's painful! ;)

I read your post and was gripped with fear at the thought of losing my D companions.

Thank you for your kind words. I think it would be too scary without other companions in place first. Literal ones like people on the forum and my therapist, and things in other forms, like coping skills and meditation. Which I need to be doing more of. Including Abstract's suggestion:

Maybe some good old normal D stuff such as distraction wouldn't be a bad idea at present.

Very true. I still struggle to make the distinction between times when it's good to distract (I need a break and/or there's nothing I can do about something right now) and when I use distraction to avoid (can't face doing something I have to do, so I clean the flat instead).

Where I am at the moment is probably using distraction as an alternative to unhealthy coping methods. If I'm going to avoid something I might as well get the flat cleaned, and at least it's good that I didn't drink - another old friend beginning with D that I miss.

Which is why I relate very much to:

...I took painkillers for years. It's been twelve years free now and though not being numb is sometimes so painful, I'll never go back to being alive but dead.

franciemarnie, that is amazing. Thank you for reminding me that I don't really want to drink, at least in terms of what I want beyond the next few hours.

Same for the other unhelpful Ds. I've been using short-term "solutions" for a very long time. They've only ever served me in the short term. Living with a longer term view, even as far as the next day, is something I'm having to learn.

Thank you all so much for getting it, and for your support.

 

[zaniara]

Thank you all so much for getting it, and for your support.

Thank you for your honesty! It really helps me too. Maybe we're all stronger together than when on our own? ;) :) - I tend to understand this more often now than before.. But not when the isolation-impulses grab hold on me again though.. (My therapist keep on pushing the whole "connection and relationships are the cure for dissociation"-thing... Maybe he's right after all. :D It's just that the connection-thing meant so much abuse and pain before in my life, it's hard learning to do it differently.. )

Where I am at the moment is probably using distraction as an alternative to unhealthy coping methods. If I'm going to avoid something I might as well get the flat cleaned, and at least it's good that I didn't drink - another old friend beginning with D that I miss.

A person told me about a concept: "flight-complex" I think it was called.. Not sure.. Anyhow it was when people obsess over not fleeing from stuff: and thus feel bad when they can't stay put with the processing of painful aspects of it all all the time/a 100 percent of the time. When it's perfectly healthy to need distractions sometimes, and to need breaks from the whole "processing-thing" . :) I guess I need to think about this too.. So that I develop some healthy ways of distracting me at least once in a while, not trough involuntary dissociation-shit. I really admire you for coming so far in this process that you can avoid sinking into it! :) But I hope you can find some way to relax and give your self breaks, and also give your self credit for all the work you actually do to heal! I really think you're worth it!