Increase Symptoms - Been Seeing Therapist More Frequently

[ButterflyBean]

First let me say, I could post this in many different forums, but I chose this one because I'm using therapy to cope. I haven't posted lately because, well, it was a difficult summer, and now school has started. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but maybe seeing it all on paper will give me perspective.Please note this is the extremely condensed version of what's been happening, and there may be grammar errors (I'm using a speech software because of my disability).

Around the second week of July. I emailed my main therapist (I've been seeing her for about 11 years) saying I was having a difficult time and was experiencing what I called "misplaced" stress. I've had premonitions in the past, kind of like a sixth sense, but what I was referring to is not the same. The feeling I was talking about was\is nothing I've ever felt before. I won't go into specifics here, but we talked about the fact that writing it all out was good work for me. I've had lots of triggers since then, but that is when it all started. (Not my trauma, but the current prolonged crisis). Let me be clear by saying the first trigger took place a few weeks after the email I sent my therapist. My roommate moved out, there were changes in allowances of my personal care assistants, and something else happened all in the same day. Then, at the end of that week, (on Friday), I had a medical procedure. Two days after that, one of my very good friend's passed away unexpectedly. That was just the beginning of August; that's not counting things that keep happening now.

Needless to say, I've been seeing my therapist almost weekly. I know that seems normal to most of you, but before this I was seeing her every other week because I have two therapist; one in the community and one on my college campus. Well, even that has changed in the past two weeks. The one I had at school had to leave the college, so now I'm seeing her in the community as well. Both are extremely committed to working with me, and the fact that they are able to work together has allowed my ever so present abandonment issues to remain the same, although heightened. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the increased therapy, but I can't help feeling like I'm pushing boundaries or being treated differently than everyone else. Yes, I know everyone is individual, but somehow it feels like my therapists are going above and beyond for me, which may be creating counter transference. I don't really have an outside support system other than a few close friends and my therapists, so I guess I'm doing the best I can, given my limited resources.

I thought the increase in frequency was helping, along with seeing my psychiatrist for med adjustment, but another issue is that I'm having nightmares again, and I don't feel safe anywhere. I should add that I had two EMDR sessions in August to help deal with what was going on, but I've never had symptoms last this far out. I know it's possible and would be normal if that were the cause, but I''m finding myself just wanting everything to be calm; thus, I want to do more EMDR in order to resolve these issues. I had one of my therapists contact my psychiatrist regarding my meds, and hopefully that will shed some light into what to do next.

I read this form daily and thank you for all your support and experiences! I'll be on again soon!

~Holly

 

[Leah123]

Hi, Holly. I'm really sorry you're struggling. Feeling unsafe constantly is awful. I'm glad you're reaching out for extra support from your therapists and here too. Are there concrete steps you can take to create a safe zone for yourself? I had to do this a while back with my little home office where I spend most of my time. I turned it into an affirming, warm, comfortable, powerful safe space for me by painting, putting up art that spoke to me, having a few scents handy. I use sage and "dragon's blood" which is really just a concentrated tree resin.

I would try not to worry about pushing boundaries by relying on your therapists. They're grown-ups and will take care of their boundaries as needed. I will mention one thought: I had been seeing my own therapist increasingly frequently, and I believe the intensity of doing that therapeutic work actually stressed me out further, too much, to the point where I had a very difficult time putting therapy into perspective and settling in-between sessions and having time to get perspective. That may well not apply to you at all, I'm just fishing around a bit as to why you're not feeling settled. I'm really sorry it's so hard. Take good care of yourself!

 

[Hashi]

Holly, I'm very sorry to hear that your friend passed away. My heart went out to you when I read that. I almost don't want to respond to other things in your post because I'm wondering if this calls for more of a pause with regard to everything else that's going on.

You've posted about other things as well so I'll respond to what you posted, in the same vein. At the same time I'm still wondering if there might be a need for some quiet and space for your feelings for your friend.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the increased therapy, but I can't help feeling like I'm pushing boundaries or being treated differently than everyone else. Yes, I know everyone is individual, but somehow it feels like my therapists are going above and beyond for me, which may be creating counter transference.

I relate to this, and find it difficult. Because of my work times and her availability, my regular weekly appointment is actually later than my therapist usually works. She's rearranging things for a couple of weeks, and so that I won't be without therapy she's offering me times that are well past the time she normally finishes. Plus she let a recent session doing trauma work overrun a lot.

I feel conflicted over this. I appreciate it, I need it, and I want to feel it's simply her generous heart and responding to what I need at the moment. But I worry that it's coming from too much emotional involvement on her side. I need her to be professional and have boundaries, after all.

I'm concerned for you that with so much to deal with in everyday life you also have more frequent therapy and - if I understand correctly - more intense processing. I'd expect two sessions of EMDR on their own, when feeling quite stable, would have a big impact. You've had them with a lot of other very difficult things going on.

When you say you want things to be calm, then talk about wanting more EMDR, are you expecting to feel calm straight after EMDR? Soon after? A short time after? ... is that realistic, in the way you experience EMDR?

Can you use your therapy sessions to work on safety and stabilisation for a while?

 

[ButterflyBean]

Leah – Thank you for the reply; sorry it took me so long to get back to you! First, let me say, I read your post last week, and I hope you're feeling better! I can relate to the need for support very much and find it very difficult to cope when my therapist is away! I have been having a hard time feeling validated when she responds to my emails; we always do better face-to-face, but she is working on being more sensitive to my needs and feelings when writing!

Are there concrete steps you can take to create a safe zone for yourself?

Regarding a safe place, privacy is very hard to come by because of my disability. I need round-the-clock care, so it is very hard to deal with my feelings without something being noticeable. However, when I am alone, and can do some work/relaxing, I feel unsafe. Part of EMDR is creating a safe zone or box, but for some reason, visualization bothers me. I find myself wanting to throw the box of emotions against the wall, so we tried internal conversations or using words, which seems to work better. Feeling safe is part of being supported, and when your support system is not easily accessible or established, the feeling is hard to come by. I guess the first step in the right direction is the fact that I know why I feel unsafe, which is the most important start.

I had been seeing my own therapist increasingly frequently, and I believe the intensity of doing that therapeutic work actually stressed me out further, too much, to the point where I had a very difficult time putting therapy into perspective and settling in-between sessions and having time to get perspective.

As far as the boundaries, I totally understand where you're coming from, and that is exactly how I feel! Both my therapists have assured me that the frequency of therapy is all right with them, given my current situation, but I just don't like feeling that I'm being treated differently than other clients, although everyone is individual, of course. I think the boundaries are more of mine rather than theirs, and breaking them makes me feel weak. I guess I could just try setting new boundaries for myself and except that I need to take care and be gentle. I know it won't be like this forever; I'm just not used to being in "crisis mode" for this long.

Thank you for your encouragement; I really appreciate it and hope you know I'm here for you as well!


Hashi – Thank you for validating my feelings about my friend; it means a lot! Validation is what I need right now regarding a lot of things.

I'm still wondering if there might be a need for some quiet and space for your feelings for your friend.

I've been wondering the same thing too. I'm sure you can understand what I mean by cognitive resources; I've got so many things to deal with that of equal importance (school, medical issues, abandonment issues, the loss of my friend, etc), that it is almost impossible to create a safe spot to deal with my feelings (not to mention lack of privacy due to my disability). I don't have enough cognitive resources to deal with everything that needs attention, which is a constant battle of mine. I know I can only do the best I can, and that's all anyone expects of me, but I can't ignore anything either. I've ignored so much for so long that I now have PTSD and am in my current situation. So, I refuse to ignore anything anymore; it all needs to be dealt with before things get out of control. Not that aren't chaotic right now, but trust me, it could be worse, it has been worse! I understand what you're saying though and appreciate your concern! Achieving balance and expressing my feelings are my main goals of therapy. Not sure if expressing includes processing trauma, but they are goals nonetheless.

When you say you want things to be calm, then talk about wanting more EMDR, are you expecting to feel calm straight after EMDR? Soon after? A short time after? ... is that realistic, in the way you experience EMDR?

I'm aware that EMDR can cause increased symptoms, so let me clarify what I mean. I'm not talking in terms of time; rather that I want to work on processing and releasing my emotions. I have had multiple traumas in my life, that I just uncovered in therapy, but the significance is that I was unable to express my emotions at all since 2011. That recently changed since starting EMDR, and it's the only thing that allows me to access the deep emotion right now. I mean, now I can cry and gain pretty good composure, which was even difficult for two years, but the emotion is more of a cry for help rather than having any meaning. I know that is progress in itself, but I feel like I won't be satisfied, free, or at peace, until I work through the trauma with EMDR. Does that make sense?

Can you use your therapy sessions to work on safety and stabilisation for a while?

It is being used for just that. We are not using any cognitive behavioral techniques; my therapist is just playing the role of supporter. Someone to listen and validate. EMDR and medication along with this are my stabilization toolbox. I do not have the goal of uncovering reasons behind anything, although they are eye-opening when discovered. Processing my trauma is the next step in healing; what's difficult is balancing my symptoms that relief causes and the relief I so strongly desire.

Thank you for your kind words; they are greatly appreciated!

~Holly